Ears, Apes, Magic, Poker

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Bizarro is brought to you today by When Do They Drive?

Anyone with a roommate – be they married, shacking up, related, or just sharing the rent – will want a pair of removable ears. They are still in the developmental stage, but I hope to have them on the market by late next year. The perfect gift for anyone of any age. We all have someone who’s voice grates like a chainsaw through sheet metal.

I got this idea in part from my personal assistant, who is deaf. If he wants to hear what you’re saying, he flips on his hearing aid and looks at your mouth. If he doesn’t, he turns it off and looks away. He always looks so peaceful. In many ways, I envy him. Especially in a noisy city like New York.

Last night, CHNW and I saw that new monkey* movie, “Rise of The Planet of the Apes.” I’ve gotta say that I really liked it. The satisfaction of watching such an abused and terrorized species exact revenge on their oppressors is irresistible. Even if you draw strong lines between species and believe that humans are morally entitled to get away with whatever we can, the drama of the story is still compelling. And, with the exception of the beauty of the main researcher and his girlfriend, the story is remarkably believable. If you’re sensitive to animal cruelty, you may want to skip it. CHNW cried all the way through the first two thirds, which is mostly about the kind of real-world cruelty that all kinds of animals experience in medical labs (apes, monkeys, cats, dogs, rats, pigs, you name it). But ultimately, she found the ending worth it.

It’s one of those movies that I figured could be either terrific or terrifically bad. I would have been happy with either, of course; nobody enjoys a horrifically bad film any more than I do (Ed Wood’s “Glen or Glenda” is one of my favorites ever!) but this film is actually very well done from script to execution. There’s my 2-cent movie review for you. Now enjoy the cartoon above in which the rabbit gets revenge on the magician. Ahahahahaha!

Here now is another collaboration between myself and my known associate, Wayno. As you’ll see if you read his blog post about this one, his original gag was about a guy playing chess with death. I liked it, but thought the chess motif was a little over-used, so I went for poker. I think it punched up the joke nicely. The only thing missing is the trademark scythe, but I assume most of you were able to identify this character as the Grim Reaper and not just some local goober dressed in a Snuggie and Halloween mask.

You want to be the coolest person you know, right? So display Bizarro cartoons on nifty products already.

*Yes, I know that monkeys are not apes, and vice versa. Humans, for instance, are not monkeys, we are apes.

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13 thoughts on “Ears, Apes, Magic, Poker

  1. Oh man, I gotta have a pair of those removable ears. I have been asking myself before, if it may be possible to get one’s ears removed (not seriously, I just giggled at the idea).

    I like listening to music very much, and ears are quite helpful when driving a car. Apart from that, hearing is totally overrated.

  2. You didn’t ask for it but I would like to recommend the book Lucy by Laurence Gonzalez for an interesting look at crossing the species line. A researcher is living alone in the jungle so that he can pursue his dream of an ape/human hybrid. What would be the result of such an experiment and how would the world react?

    • Sounds interesting, I’ll look into it. In return, I can highly recommend the book, “The Evolution of Bruno Littlemore.” Brilliant fiction by a brilliant young author about this same topic.

  3. Hah, I kind of figured you for a fellow Ed Wood fan. Actually, I’ve just now finally gotten hold of a copy of Glen Or Glenda, and it’s not nearly as bad as I expected, although it is pretty goddamn’ bad, especially that bit where Delores Fuller is supposed to be agonizing over the revelation of Glen’s cross-dressing secret, but ends up looking as if she’s having an orgasm in the chair.

    Still, for my money, Plan 9 From Outer Space has got to be the pinnacle of Ed Wood’s genius… though there’s another little gem of his I just recently unearthed from the public-domain archive at archive.org, a little thing called Jail Bait — but it’s not what you think it’s about — which is Wood’s attempt at film noir, also co-starring Delores Fuller, and which is also extraordinarily bad, though nowhere close to the deep-down badness of Plan 9.

    • I agree that Plan 9 is worse than Glen or Glenda. Still, for some reason, G or G is my favorite. The Delores Fuller inadvertent orgasm scene is certainly the highlight. No matter how many times I see it, I still get tears in my eyes when she hands him the sweater.

      • The thing about Glen Or Glenda, though, is that even though most of it is pretty bad, Bela Lugosi’s bits are actually quite good. I can never tell who he’s supposed be — like, God or something, I guess — but his delivery of those monologues is killer: “Pull the string! Pull the string!” That shit’s classic Lugosi, man.

  4. I sent the “Bad Hare Day” cartoon to a well-known (?) magician-comedian friend of mine. I think he’ll get it.

  5. “Glen or Glenda” is one of my favorites, too! I genuinely love it and (strangely) I don’t even think it’s as bad as it’s considered to be. Pull the strings!

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