Santa Ruminant Heathen Odorless Maneuver Amputee Webcam


(To see this cartoon as big as the star over the nativity scene, click the ball on Santa’s hat.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Christmas Kidnapping.

The bizarre and convoluted imagery of modern-day Christmas has fascinated me since I was old enough to notice it. (Sometime in my teens.) I’ve since learned that there are many and various ancient myths and holidays that were incorporated into it over the centuries, including the virgin birth (the birth of heroes to virgins, often with some kind of god as the father, are common in many pre-Christian mythologies), the king born of poverty (another common mythological element and likely the reason that to this day, Americans like to vote for a “down home” candidate for president, the sort you’d want to “have a beer with”), the Christmas tree, (a pagan symbol of the winter solstice), and Santa Claus (derived from the pre-Christian, Germanic god, Odin, who flew through the skies giving gifts at Yule [Dec 25] on an eight-legged horse, later morphed into eight reindeer.) Anyway, for the past couple of Christmases, I’ve had some fun combining modern elements of the holiday with the original nativity scene of Christian mythology. Here’s last year’s, in case you’ve forgotten.

To demonstrate that I am an equal-opportunity lampooner, here’s another favorite Xmas gag from a few years back, making fun of my own kind.

At a Xmas comedy show a few years back, I sang some “atheist Christmas carols” by taking standards and changing the words to reflect an atheist’s views. Here’s a sample of one sung to the tune of “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing:”

Hark! the herald mythological creatures sing, glory to the newborn average baby. Peace on earth and mercy mild, no one and everyone reconciled.

I got very few laughs, but I thought it was funny. It is my opinion that humans are so naturally superstitious that even most non-believers feel nervous about laughing at irreverent religious humor. I’ve noticed this time and time again with audiences when doing these kinds of jokes in my stand-up act; I can actually see many people doing their best to stifle a smile. It is completely understandable, though––early childhood indoctrination is a very difficult thing to overcome; it certainly was for me. It’s hard not to think, but what if there really is a god? I certainly don’t want to piss him off. I’m happy to report, however, that not a single venue I’ve performed in has been hit by lightening or plague. At least not while I was still there. 

To finish out this post, let’s catch you up on the week. Here are the ‘toons that ran in papers in the past few days.











Hope you all have a Jazz Pickle holiday season, whatever the hell that is. Best wishes for whatever you’re celebrating for whatever reason!


P.S. If you missed the announcement about my upcoming TV show, check out my previous post. Here’s the direct link!



30 thoughts on “Santa Ruminant Heathen Odorless Maneuver Amputee Webcam

  1. What?No pie with the frogs legs? Although I am Christian,I enjoy very irreverent humor.A Jewish friend once told me a story about Jesus being on the cross,near death.He started asking for Peter in a very weak voice.The crowd summoned Peter to be with Jesus.Peter knelt at the base of the cross and said “Yes,my lord,what is it?” and Jesus said to Peter “I can see your house from here.” Merry whatever,Dan.

      • If you hadn’t heard “I can see your house from here.” joke, maybe you haven’t heard:

        (People telling this joke stand up with arms outstreched and say:) “Oh, what a way to spend Good Friday.”


        Scene: People (especially gay guys), looking at a crucifix with a man (Jesus ?) in a skimpy cloth around his loins showing a big bulge between his legs, saying, “Jesus! Was HE hung!”

        My little contribution to irreverence, which I’ve always loved, even when I was a believer. Still love and promote irreverance,

        that’s why I love your cartoons.

        Keep us amused, dude. We love you. And best wishes for a successful TV career.


        • Hmmm, Dan also mentioned that Atheists generally have their own “pre-Atheist” spiritual superstitions, so an Atheist Christmas makes a lot of sense. Just as, if you were ever in the military (USMC 1982-1985) you would understand the phrase “there are no Atheists in a foxhole.” Or how about having sex – do you cry out “Oh higher spiritual being!” when you orgasm? Just as Christians shouldn’t lose their sense of humor, neither should Atheists. If you lose sight of humor and irony, you lose your humanity. And Dan – love your stuff! I can’t wait for what the future holds for you!

  2. Pingback: Santa Ruminant Heathen Webcam « What I see, what I feel, what I'd like to see…

  3. Regarding your cartoon from the 22nd of December 2012 you may not know that the Toronto Eaton Centre replaced their Santa Clause in the mall with a Skype With Santa kiosk instead. This is the second year they have run it.

  4. hello and mery nothing to you too, i’ve been reading or better say enjoying your blog from 5 years now, and i want to tell you that it the firts thign i read every day since. the reason i choose to rigth for the firts time now is becouse i want to give you my opinion about the tv thing, i think is a bad idea and i thougth you hated reality-tv or tv directly, ( yes i have reead every thing you have wrote), and the show is not original i don’t like the idea of making fun of loclas.

    and finally i awnt you to know that im vegan and proteccionist here in argentina and you are welcome to visit me when ever you want and your crew too but no filming is i’m funny at all no tv producer is going to make juice of my funny orange bue you cuald enjoy itno prolbem on that!

    well i hope my writing english is undertandable, or now that you are in LA i cant write in spanish and almost anyone can translate for you


  5. The three wise men rode their camels across the desert, saddlebags full of presents, (following the star). Arriving at the manger, they stopped & dismounted. Arms laden with gifts, they walked towards the door to the manger. The wise man in front was very tall, and he smashed his forehead against the top of the doorframe. He dropped all his presents, clapped his hands on his bleeding forehead, and shouted out “JESUS CHRIST!”

    Hearing the commotion, Mary jumped up- out of the stables- and said:

    “That’s a great name- I was gonna call him Fred!”

  6. I remember the frog’s legs as a Gahan Wilson cartoon long ago, frog on a cart without the prosthetics angle. Google suggests it’s been done a lot since.

    I suspect in Playboy, described by Jean Shepherd one night on his show.

  7. Reading the comics last Sunday I was nauseated by the sentimentality of almost all of the artists, until I came to your posting of Santa Claus at the manger. As with a two-edged sword you cut through the nonsense and hypocracy. It took my breath away. Well done, good and faithful servant!

    Peace and Joy!

    George A. Marquart

  8. I may have posted this before, but while we’re revelling in irreverent humour….

    After resurrection, and before ascending into heaven, Jesus decides to pay his old dad Joseph a visit, because he hadn’t seen him for many years and he wants to say goodbye. So he walks into Nazareth, but he has no idea where his dad lives. Jesus wanders the streets of Nazareth for hours, asking people if they know his father, but no-one can help. Tired, sad, and desperate, Jesus is about to give up, when he sees an old man sitting in a doorway, sobbing, tears streaming down his face.

    Jesus feels pity for the old man and walks up to him: “Old man, why are crying?”

    The old man replies: “I have lost my son!”

    Jesus asks: “What did your son look like?”

    The old man: “He had holes in his hands and feet.”

    Jesus’ heart skips a beat. He throws his arms around the old man and cries out joyfully: “FATHER, FATHER!!!”

    Old man: “PINOCCHIO!!!”

  9. Pingback: Poor little stinker | Punny Business

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