SPECIAL REPORT

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Colonoscopies.

Well, Jazz Pickles, it’s that time of year again when men all over the world are encouraged to pay a relative stranger to insert a finger into their anus.

Yes, it’s November and that means that the hideous shocking pink (my opinion of the color) of the booby cancer folks steps aside for the prickly upper lips of men in the Movember movement.

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You: “What in the name of Jesus Christ Superstar is the Movember movement?”

Me: It’s a thing where they (whoever they are) try to raise awareness of men’s health concerns, like prostate and testicular cancer, for sure. So men all over the planet (more than a dozen, less than a billion) will be starting the month with a shaved upper lip, then grow a macho-hootenanny-festival-of-a-mustache to remind their fellow male Homo sapiens to get their butts and balls checked for lethal space invaders.

Since I’m a professional mustachioed gentleman, I’m not about to shave my awesome lip art for any reason, but I did agree to put a mustache in every one of my cartoons this month, as well as post some pics of my own mustache in its various ridiculous forms. The mustaches in my cartoons may be on a character or they may just be hidden among the various oddball icons I usually toss in.

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I’d also like to take this opportunity to remind men (and people with indoor plumbing, too) that diet plays a HUGE part in the cancer picture. Vegans (who eat no animal products of any kind, including eggs or dairy) are many times less likely to develop most any kind of cancer, vegetarians (who don’t eat dead bodies but do eat dairy and eggs) are somewhat less protected but still experience far lower percentages of cancer overall than do meat eaters. I think you can safely say that diet plays a big role in the cause of prostate and testicular cancer.

It may be the fat in animal flesh, or the pesticides and hormones they cram into “food” animals nowadays, or milk, or it may just be that animal protein in general feeds cancer cells. No one yet knows what the biggest influence is but the connection is pretty well accepted. Nonetheless, a plant-based diet routinely improves the health of people with prostate cancer (and other types, too) and lowers their PSA, whatever the hell that is.

For more information about what kinds of tests you should or should not engage in, have a look at an article by a doctor who has had even more medical training than I have!

To read more about the Movember movement, drag yourself here.

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25 thoughts on “SPECIAL REPORT

  1. I was a few weeks behind on the blog. Just caught up. THANK YOU for getting my weekend off to the right start! I still giggling. Batman and his bat bat……. slays me.

  2. Hi Dan,

    I’ve read that sugar and milk feed cancer cells. I drink no milk now and am working on the sugar! I eat way less meat than I used to. I had breast cancer in 2002.

    Jan Garoutte Humphrey

    • Oh, shit! Thanks for pointing that out! I actually changed it to “comb-under” before I submitted it but posted the previous one by mistake! Will change it now!

  3. “And people with indoor plumbing, too” Hilarious!

    For what it’s worth, I think it’d be a shame if we ever cure cancer… think of all the people who work for The American Cancer Society who would be out of a job!

    • And hospital oncology departments and pharmaceuticals, and, and… Which is exactly why cancer will never be “cured.” (Low-fat Veganism is close, though!)

  4. BEST HEADLINE EVER: “… men all over the world are encouraged to pay a relative stranger to insert a finger into their anus.”

    For what it’s worth, I have that done several times a week at work.

    See, Steve in accounting says he was born with a hidden device in his index finger that can detect cancer, so for $5, he’ll do a rectal probe.

    I’m not sure I believe him, but, hey, it’s only $5 and it doesn’t hurt. In fact… oh, never mind.

    That’s an excellent photo of purple nose hair as well!

  5. Just last month, I had my first Colonoscopy ever… a couple years later than the colon doc would have liked, but I had been impressing my Regular doc with a string of no-sign-of-anything-wrong stool samples so he gave me some slack to save me the expense; but as my latest birthday approached, he gave me the “let’s get serious about this” lecture and a referral to Dr. Assman. Well, the colon they were scoping turned out to be SO clean and free of polyps or any other suspicious features, I was told I could wait TEN YEARS for my next probing. Dr. Assman’s assistant, Nurse Asslady, reacted with surprise, prompting him to repeat it and write it down. And that was for me, whose dietary intake has included average-to-above-average quantities of many of those foods that can cause trouble down there.

    The whole process was actually better than the “as well as I could have hoped” level, except for the prep… specifically MoviPrep, the Industrial Strength Laxative used to clean out my insides 12-24 hours before the procedure. No details, just YIKES! And the name “MoviPrep”? Sounds like a title given to a stagehand for a major motion picture… well, it was major motion leading to a picture…

    Anyway, my advice to anyone reading this… GET IT DONE (no, not ‘Get-er-done’, I am NOT Larry the Colon Guy). And when the MoviPrep starts working – just keep a good book or your iPad in the bathroom to keep you distracted because stepping away is NOT recommended for a couple hours.

  6. You really “cracked” me up on this one. Just had the finger job done last week… almost an enjoyable experience (once it’s over)

  7. Dan, as a fellow vegan it is my duty to inform you that a big chunk of the Movember-raised funds go to the Prostate Cancer Foundation which still funds research on animals.

    • Thanks for the info, Fernando. I agreed to do it as long as I was not involved in any fund raising, only consciousness raising. Because I accepted the temporary position as a spokesperson, I was able to do a couple of interviews, in both of which I stressed the importance of plant-based diets to avoid cancer altogether, as I did on my blog. I suspected my info-pushing would do some good and since I didn’t raise any funds (or even mention that possibility in any of my posts or interviews) I was able to avoid the moral conflict. Just my take on it, of course. Hope I was right. Thanks again for your concern! :^}

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