Three to Five Smiles


bz panel 01-20-14 bz panel 01-21-14 bz panel 01-22-14Bizarro is brought to you today by The Power of Three.

Since it is Wednesday and I have not yet posted any cartoons this week, you get three. Hooray, wunderbar, groovy.



1. If your cholesterol and weight are high your doctor may say he’d like to “get your numbers down.” But this patient is an ancient Roman so he uses the word “numerals” instead. That is supposed to be the joke. What happens next is the doctor is cleaved in half by a sword and his head is displayed on a pike in the town square. I didn’t include that in the gag because it’s gross.




2. A good friend of mine didn’t get this joke at first because he thought the dog at right was too good to be a doodle. Maybe he has a point, I don’t know. Because I can draw good, perhaps my attempt at a regular non-drawing person’s doodle is too well. You be the judge. This gag was a collaboration with my known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh. Here’s what he had to said about it.

(Note to grammar nazis: the errors in the previous paragraph are intentional because I sometimes find it amusing to talk this way.)






3. My last cartoon in today’s post is an idea by my good friend and cartoon colleague, Dan McConnell. He has a smutty mind, so naturally this cartoon is about pornography. The truth is that in societies where women are completely covered all the time, a glimpse of an ankle is, indeed, sexually arousing. Which means that in our current society where nothing is hidden, nothing is arousing. Damn.  Dan McConnell hangs out here.



PAZZ JICKLES: Since we’ve been chatting about covered women, here are a couple of burka gags I’ve done in the past. Though mandatory burka-wearing is not funny, I think these cartoons are.Bz 01-16-09 burka sneezeWEB bz Burqa Photo Op WEB


29 thoughts on “Three to Five Smiles

  1. Dan,

    just wanted to take a moment to tell you i think your comics are the shit! they are the most consistently funny comic i read online.

    – Brian

  2. Absolutely hilarious!

    I like how you push the envelope when it comes to culturally sensitive topics. You are a huge inspiration to me for my humour and satire blog that I’ve started.

  3. I can’t say how happy i am to have “liked” your site on facecrook. Pilgrim Porn made my day, and I’d love to share your comment on intentional grammatical gaffes with my wife- geez- what’s up with people anyway!?

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  5. Hi, Dan! I only joined your site recently. You might remember me as Marie McWhorter, who worked as a writer at Neiman’s. I still have a custom watercolor you painted for me, and my entire family, including my two grown boys, are loyal fans. Lovely to see your unique perspective on the human condition still going strong.

    • So great to hear from you, Marie! I remember you well and often think of the old gang at Norman Mucous. What a ball I had with you guys back then. Seems like another lifetime now. So glad to hear you’re enjoying my work. What’re you up to these days? Send me a private FB message or something and we can catch up!

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  7. That young Puritan’s got future “Jazz Pickler” written all over ‘m.

    The eyeball’s also enjoying the view.

    Piraro, where does it all come from?

  8. That labradoodle is drawn way too well! Next time you need a doodle, ask me to draw it and I’ll be happy to muck it up for you! Seriously though, I am so envious of your artistic talent, YOUR head may well end up on a pike if I ever get my hands on you.

    It does remind me of a gag of yours from some time ago, that still makes me laugh every time I think about it: a rather pixelated looking bloke, whose New Year’s resolution is said to be low. You should repost it as Bizarchaelogy gag one day.

    As for the Pilgrim porn, some years ago there was a satirical site on the web featuring Amish porn, complete with warning that you had to be eighteen before entering and lots of legal warnings and stuff. It then featured photos of Amish-looking ladies lifting their skirts to reveal an ankle, or slightly pulling back the sleeves to reveal a wrist, etc.

    Your burka jokes are hilarious, but the grammar Nazi in me spotted an error in the accompanying paragraph. Hah! Gotcha!

    • All good info and I will act appropriately on each of your ideas and suggestions. PLUS, I’ve added “Bizarchaeology” to my list of archive names. Well done!

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  10. nice, try drawing with your opposite hand so it looks like a doodle unless you are ambidexterity. and in the last cartoon would they say, “bless you?” what about a dutch oven? too soon? is that racist?

  11. Re: Pilgrim Porn. I’m a little late for this comment, having only recently discovered your blog, but here goes: When I was in college doing some research about the Spanish Flu epidemic and its affect on the US during the First World War, I came across a two-panel comic strip in a popular magazine from that era (Sorry, I can’t remember which one). The first panel was titled “Stocks and Shares”. In it, a man with spectacles was sitting at a desk with a glass domed ticker-tape machine spitting out ticker tape. Across the desk from him was a woman seated in a chair wearing a dress with a floor-length skirt as was typical of that era. The second panel is titles “Shocks and Stares” and this time the woman has shifted her position just slightly, exposing her (sock-covered) ankle. The man’s spectacles leap off his face and his jaw drops, a look of shock on his face. It could be that the comic itself might have risqué for that time.

    That’s how I remember it, anyway. It’s been about 20 years since I finished college.

    • Great story, Phil. Thanks! There is nothing new under the sun. (Can’t remember where that quote came from and I’m too lazy to look it up.)

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