Six Smiles

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It’s been a busy week at Rancho Bizarro and I didn’t even fully realize I hadn’t posted any cartoons since last Sunday until this morning. Crazy, daddio. I’m still working as the host/narrator of FOX TV’s Utopia, which has kept me pretty busy. I don’t know how long the gig will last but it sure has been fun to work on. It’s already led to other opportunities, which is terrific. One notable one is that the Coen brothers are planning a live-action version of Snow White and I’m being seriously considered for the role of Creepy, an eighth dwarf they added specifically for me. Wish me luck!

This week’s cartoons went like this…

Monday: Seriously, why do superheroes need to have secret identities and ridiculous costumes? I suspect this will remain a mystery of our civilization for centuries to come.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday: Seriously, how many eggs can one small, red bird lay? Come on!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wednesday: Seriously, how weird is it that a caterpillar can turn into a butterfly? Is this biological metamorphosis meant to inspire us to quit our jobs at the grocery store and become astronauts? Because that’s what it did for me. (Still looking for an astronaut program that will accept me, but I’m hopeful.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thursday: Seriously, we pay money for a bloody body chunk of some dead thing but the presence of a single hair ruins it. Really?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friday: I grew up with three sisters and a mother, had two daughters of my own, and have had numerous girlfriends and wives. PMS symptoms varied with all of them, of course, but I know of what I speak. Seriously.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday: Seriously, most decent men will let a woman cry on our shoulder but none of us are particularly fond of it. If you’re a man with large, absorbent shoulders, you may want to consider offering this service. I suspect it represents a significant market opportunity. Also, I misspelled “absorbent” in the strip version of this cartoon but my editor didn’t catch it. I may need to cry on her shoulder.

 

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34 thoughts on “Six Smiles

  1. The secret identity is so that nobody comes to his house when he’s asleep and kills him, or when he’s away, and destroy his bat-cave, kidnap his friends or loved ones, and use them against him. Have you never seen a Batman movie? Or a Superman movie? They can’t get at Superman, but if they knew Clark Kent was Superman, they’d just nuke Smallville.

    Seriously, now.

    But I’m not going to go into the whole “self-hate” aspect of the caterpillar one.

  2. I have always loved your comic, until I read your blog. Now I believe you are a horrible being who must be stopped and have therefore contacted the proper authorities. (The improper ones were already engaged, at my home.) They will be at your door toot sweet, dressed as Girl Scouts. Don’t be fooled, just go with them, even if they resist! You’ll have a choice: the Do-se-doh or the Rar-rah-raisin. (Hint: Those aren’t raisins!)

    (You really have time to read these comments? I don’t even have time to think about what I’m typing!)

    Anyway, here are some useless suggestions. (Piraro:Pun ideas omitted in case I decide to use one.)

  3. As always, great work, Dan! About the superhero questions — The costume I guess helps with the flash/fear factor. But the need for a secret identity is easy: so the bad guys don’t go after the hero’s loved ones for blackmail/revenge! Duh!

  4. As always, Dan, you make me laugh or chuckle. Such a gift! I am so happy for the wonderful new happenings in your life! Instead of talking every time of what you give, I wanted to be sure to let you know every once in a while that I am thankful to be blessed with your humor!

  5. Some birds are determinant layers: always produce the same number of eggs (often two). If you steal one, she may lay two more to replace the loss for clutch of three or none and raise the one you left. One kind of duck typically raises three ducklings at a time: steal one, she lays one; steal two, she replaces both. She might be “counting” with her featherless brood patch that’s just the size and shape to directly contact a trio. Indeterminate layers (chicken, most ducks, eagles and others) lay according to their nutritional status: with plentiful food many eggs, with lean years fewer. It would be odd for so small a bird laying such large eggs to produce so many. The kiwi lays the largest egg in relation to its own body weight, normally just one (Phew!).

  6. Maybe you could dress up as a superhero Shoulder-to-Cry-On and swoop into Utopia and help Bella. With the suiperhero mask no one would know it was you. Seriously.

  7. A blog, eh?

    Eh?

    Hello?

    Well, it was worth a try.

    Long time reader; first time leaving a comment. That’s it. That’s all I got.

    Oh, I probably won’t see the reply, if any, as I don’t see a place to subscribe to the comments. I’m sure whatever you write will be clever as all heck.

  8. why do superheroes need to have secret identities and ridiculous costumes?

    I always assumed it was an artistic decision by comic book artists who got bored with drawing street clothes and/or just weren’t so good at drawing unmasked faces…

    the presence of a single hair ruins it.

    Well, we assume the bloody body chunk of some dead thing is from a single dead thing (except for ground dead-thing which is all from similar dead things – or sausage, which I have no explanation for) and the hair usually comes from a usually-NOT-dead totally unrelated thing (usually a live and overworked human).

    And, from personal experience, the problem with having big, absorbent shoulders is that it takes some time for them to dry out resulting in (1) worse than sweat stains on your shirts and (2) moments of passion where your partner grabs for your shoulders and goes “ewwwww”. Not to mention problems in the shower where much of the water for cleaning never gets past the shoulders. It’s a burden to bear, let me tell you.

  9. I’m so excited for you regarding the new opportunities that are arising out of your Utopia host gig. Maybe this is your own butterfly metamorphosis unfolding before our eyes. How cool is that?!

    I just hope you remember us little folks when you’ve risen to the top of fame and fortune! But seriously, the Cohen Bros have you pegged as Creepy? You’re Bizarro, not Creepy. Ha!

  10. Thanks, again for your humorous contributions to help us laugh at ourselves. I love steak, but you make a great point in your view of the absurdity of what disgusts us. When our friends from unknown worlds (aliens of cartoon fame) finally make their presence know to us, I’m sure they will be quick to point out these same absurdities to us!

    • Yes, you may ask that. It’s so that newspapers that want to print my comics have two formats to choose from, making it easier for them to find a place for it in their layout.

  11. I always thought the secret identity thing was just so that the poor superhero can now and then get some sleep. Imagine if everyone knew Superman’s address and cell phone number. He’d never have a moment of peace, and what’s even worse, he’d be so busy retrieving cats from trees and helping to start cars, he’d never have time to save the world.

  12. For Batman, anyway, the whole secret identity thing is just dumb ….. unless Gotham is awash in rich guys with cosplay fetishes, it should be relatively easy to figure out who he is (same/same with Iron Man, before he revealed himself).

    I have found that a 5 gallon paint bucket full of chocolate (and I do not exaggerate) enables me to survive that special time in a house full of women …. relatively intact.

  13. Actually for all ‘super’ heroes other than Superman, their super hero identity is the “secret” one, the one they put ON. For Superman, Clark Kent is his “put-on”. He didn’t become Superman, he was born Superman. Clark Kent he made up to hide when he wasn’t needed. Bruce Wayne on the other hand like all underwear on the outside of my tights pervs had to think up Batman and become Batman.

    Clark Kent is Superman’s comment on what he thinks humans expect a normal man to be…

  14. There won’t be any animal hair in a restaurant dish. Unless you’re talking about bush meat where they leave some skin attached so the consumer can ID the beast.

    So you’re saying it’s ok that human hair gets in our food. And it’s ok for humans to eat parts of other humans.

    Let it be known: DAN PIRARO ADVOCATES CANNIBALISM!!

  15. I don’t know what it is that makes it seem so, but when the panoramic view of the cartoon reverses the figures they seem strange to me.

  16. On secret identities:

    http://www.blackgate.com/2013/04/18/secret-identities-and-the-gothic-that-demmed-elusive-pimpernel/

    Judge Richard Straniere of New York laid down a ruling where he criticized a lawyer named DeFilippo who tried to dodge paying a refund on a retainer from a previous differently named law firm. Straniere objected to the idea of DeFilippo thinking he could evade the consequences of his actions by coming up with a name for his company. Straniere also wrote that DeFilippo “must be reminded that Zorro (Don Diego de la Vega), The Shadow (Lamont Cranston)…..each had an alter-ego but was, in fact, only one person who understood the difference between right and wrong and, unlike the defendant, never sought to disavow responsibility for their own actions.” Did this judge not bother to see even the 1994 film version of The Shadow or the 1998 Zorro movie? Zorro and the Shadow worked outside of the law and adopted dual identities to shield one identity from the consequences of the other identity’s actions. As Max Allan Collins pointed out in Amazing Heroes#119, they adopted alter egos since the cops would have arrested them on the spot (and in Zorro’s case, the Spanish army would have possibly executed him).

  17. Wow! I am very happy for the opportunities coming your way. From what I’ve learned of you through your strip, you deserve success, and you’ve already found happiness!

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