Performance Chops

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Bizarro 10-18-15 hdrWEB

(Anyone can make these cartoons bigger by clicking on them. Are you anyone?)Bizarro 10-18-15 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you this week by A Lighthearted Message from the NRA.

Most comedy clubs have amateur nights of some sort––which they now usually call “Open Mic Night”–– but in this case, even the audience is full of amateurs. More advanced comics readers will also notice that even the spotlight isn’t sure what its job is. I’ve done a fair amount of stand-up comedy in my day and I highly recommend it to anyone who has ever been curious about it; making a roomful of strangers laugh is even easier than it looks and not scary at all. Unless you have any fear of standing under a bright light in public and experiencing the deafening silence of complete and utter rejection.

Last week’s cartoons looked almost exactly like the following:bz panel 10-12-15

I like this “know-it-all, loudmouth jackass” cartoon a lot. Being a male and therefore full of testosterone, my first inclination when faced with a complete jerk is to punch him in the mouth. Being 5’7″ tall and under 150 lbs., I have learned to override that desire almost instantaneously. On a side note, a reader suggested this would have been even more perfect if they guy was talking on a cell phone. SO right. Wish I’d thought of that.

bz panel 10-13-15

People are always looking for an easy way to lose weight without doing any work, so I created this “armchair diet.” It still has some bugs to work out.

bz panel 10-14-15

Lots of people were confused by this joke about the buffalo in a bar. As far as I can tell there were two main reasons: they didn’t know who “Cody” was referring to, or they didn’t know who the bartender was talking to. Cody was the last name of Buffalo Bill Cody, a famous buffalo hunter in the Old West, and the bartender is talking to the buffalo (more correctly called an American Bison but then we call pre-European natives “Indians” when they’re not from India, so why get all pedantic now?) I confess that in the cartoon that was published in the paper and on websites, the eye of the bartender was drawn in a way that you could not clearly tell who he was looking at, so I suspect many readers assumed he was talking to the man on the left, which would be confusing. I fixed the eye for this post so there’s less doubt.

bz panel 10-15-15

I can understand people who hunt animals for food but I have no sympathy for those who trophy hunt. Yes, your weapon is more powerful than an unarmed creature. Congratulations.

bz panel 10-16-15

Don’t get me started on the way I feel about marijuana laws. Too late, I already did it by publishing this cartoon. The idea for this gag was sent to me by my Canadian friend, Russell Barth, a well-known activist for changing our absurd and inaccurate attitudes toward the cannabis plant. It has been shown time and time again to be tremendously safe and effective in a wide variety of medical uses, and utterly harmless in recreational use, especially as compared to tobacco, alcohol, and any number of prescription drugs. The absurd propaganda we’ve received about it in the last 100 years is finally beginning to be replaced by the truth and local governments are dropping their expensive and pointless prosecution of users, growers and sellers. I pray the U.S. federal government comes to its senses soon, as I’d like to live in a country that treats its adults like grown-ups. Wouldn’t you?

bz panel 10-17-15

I was wondering one day about the effect of Batman on criminals of the Old West and it made me laugh hard enough to drop my bagful of money as I ran from the bank, so I drew this cartoon.

One last thing before I go: My two average daughters (see below) have started a fun little online store that I’d love for you to check out. They’re hardworking gals who are not rich (and neither is their dad so he can’t help them out as much as he’d like) so feel good about tossing them a buck or two.  And while you’re at it, like their Facebook page. For some reason, that seems to be important to people their age. Thanks, Jazz Pickles!K2

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17 thoughts on “Performance Chops

  1. A)What is not funny is New Yorker cartoons. I have been entering the caption contest for the past 2-3 months – and I must say my captions are a delight. But the finalists!!?? This is a free subscription I have so have not had a lot of experience with the magazine but (call me naive) I though – well, NEW YORK – but it turns out it is new york.

    B) Those daughters are anything but “average” – to me they appear superb.

  2. I was thrilled to see this marijuana cartoon online this past week. I posted it to Facebook and I don’t think I ever got so many re-shares before.

    This is the second gag of mine that Dan has done (the other being the vampire at the optometrist), and I am so honoured.

  3. I got the bit about a guy named Cody, but I’m stymied by the American Bison named Jerry. Is that a reference to Jeremiah Johnson or Jeremy Piven?

    Pretty sure I know why Native Americans are called Indians even though they’re not from India, because the Italian guy Christopher Columbus thought he was in India. So, how come Italians are no longer Latins, but Mexicans are?

    • You raise some good questions but I can’t answer any of them. I don’t know why the bison is called Jerry. It’s just his name, I guess.

      Oh, and Italy didn’t exist in the time of Columbus so it’s more correct to call him Genoan. (I say that because I hate Columbus and I am Italian, so I like to deflect blame from my country of heritage.) :^}

  4. A: I think the main reason maryjuana is illegal is because the government can not control and tax it to the fullest. I bet we see the states that have legalized it reverse those laws after they find they are not making enough money off of the taxes. I suppose cigarettes started out like this too but you can only grow tobacco is certain climates and there were no grow lights back when they were invented( ?), unlike pot which can be grown anywhere you can plug in a UV light and feed it some water. you can’t not tell the taxed pot apart from the home grown stuff. that will be their downfall.

    B: on the hunting subject, even real hunters don’t like the caged hunts where someone pays to go to a ranch and basically shoot an animal in a cage or in a very small confined area. Hunting and having the game mounted is just a way of showing to people that you actually got something. Most hunters never get anything because they are at such a disadvantage to the animals, especially the bow hunters. Imagine someone trying to sneak up on you as you were watching TV or at the dinner table, it wouldn’t be very easy as you are in your house and know all the entrances and unique sounds your place makes. Even with the best gun and scope, most hunters are seen, smelled or heard long before they can get close enough to get anything so they like to show off when they finally do.

  5. The Batman panel in my daily newspaper made me laugh harder, and for a longer time, than anything I can remember on the comic pages in a long time. It just hit me the right way I guess. I’d stop laughing, then think about it again, and start to giggle.

    Try to top that, Family Circus!

  6. With respect to the image you link to (NRA thing): ow. Hasd she actually pulled the trigger she’d have had a bruise on her butt from falling over and a bruise on her lady parts from where the stock was. That’s a “how not ta” picture, that’s what that is. Bad NRA – no biscuit fer you.

    WRT this week’s comix- I snorted milk and a cheerio up my nose when I read the batman gag at breakfast. I should know better than to eat while reading your stuff, but there ya go. Well played, sir.

  7. Regarding marijuana being “utterly harmless in recreational use,” I would have to disagree based on personal experience. I use to partake in my early 20’s and it would turn me into a complete and utter MORON. I put the word in all capitals because I can’t stress enough just how stupid I would become. I couldn’t even form a proper sentence sometimes, and the degree to which it made me paranoid pretty much took all enjoyment out of using it. It was not in the slightest bit conducive to me mentally or emotionally. It seems to affect different people in different ways, for whatever reason. I far prefer the sober life.

    • I’ve heard of it affecting some people that way and yes, like alcohol, it affects different people differently. Statistically and historically, however, it is a much safer drug than alcohol.

  8. Dan, what is the meaning of the slice of blueberry pie in the ring with Mr Punch in the Face. Is it a slice of blueberry pie?

    • I’ve recently seen a spate of cartoons (not necessarily recent ones themselves) that put dinosaurs in biblical contexts, so I was kind of glad to see Dan didn’t go there with that’un.

  9. Batman – that one is hilarious!
    Now we see the true back story of the Joker! He was so amused at seeing Batman that he went insane!

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