Moosen Up

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bizarro 11-08-15 hdrWEB

(Some have found the embiggenation process gratifying. Try it for yourself by clicking moose # 3)Bizarro 11-08-15 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Interpretive Math.

Most of the cartoons I do are meant simply to give the reader a smile or chuckle, but every now and then I like to do one that teaches a little-known historical fact. This is one such cartoon. I got this information from Republican presidential front-runner Ben Carson’s book, “Lightening Bolts of Knowledge from My Genius Brain”. I also learned from that book that the pyramids in ancient Egypt were used as grain silos and that the four classical elements of the ancient world were water, fire, unicorns, and pinecones. He learned these things in brain surgery school so they must be true.

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Speaking of wearing clothes I wore “back in the day”, I was recently wearing a jean jacket that I’ve had since middle school––around 1970, I guess––as I passed by a lady setting up a vintage denim booth on a sidewalk in Venice, California. She stopped me to admire it and told me it would be worth around $500 IF I hadn’t snipped off the tiny Levis label hanging off the side of the pocket. As far as I could tell, that tiny label didn’t make the jacket any warmer or more waterproof so I fail to see why it is worth so much money, but then I’ve never pretended to understand the highly complex world of fashion.

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Maybe the media doesn’t do this anymore (and maybe they do, I really don’t pay much attention) but there was a time when they liked to give clever names to serial criminals, be they robbers, rapists or murderers. A fearful person might worry that people would begin committing heinous crimes just so they can be famous in the media as “The Ninja Rapist” or whatever. I suppose they might, but if a person is of the sort to be a serial rapist or murderer, or even a bank robber, they’re probably going to do it whether they get called a cute name or not. Every now and then I get emails admonishing me for hiding a lit stick of dynamite in the backgrounds of some of my cartoons because, “You don’t need to be giving terrorists any ideas!” These people are undoubtedly addicted to Fox News Channel. For my part, I think if all terrorists used cartoons as inspiration, it would be a much funnier and safer world.
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Since umbrellas can be used to fend off rain or shine, I like to call them weather barriers. Seriously, though, for my entire adult life thus far, when I go to say “umbrella” I almost always will say “elevator” first. I can, however, say “elevator” without saying “umbrella”. It’s just those two words, I don’t have this problem with anything else. Does anyone know if there is a name for this?
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I confess I’m much more of a dog person than a cat person and one huge reason is that cats destroy furniture. (I’ve read enough to be convinced that declawing them is unconscionably cruel so I don’t consider that an option.) Because I am heterosexual, I’ve lived with many cats because I have never been in a relationship with a woman who did not insist on having cats. It has been my personal experience that the only thing you can count on a cat leaving completely alone is a scratching post or any sort of device designed to attract a cat to scratch it. Unless, of course, it is shaped like a chair and made of leather or a reasonable facsimile.

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I’ve quit smoking twice in my life and I can tell you without fear of contradiction that it is a singularly miserable experience. (Quitting, that is, not smoking. I really loved smoking.) The constant anxiety, the nagging hunger for a puff, the irritability that makes you want to kill someone in yoga class because they are too close to your mat; it’s just a joy from start to finish. I am now 11 months away from my last cigar so the daily discomfort is long gone, but I have to admit that I still miss it terribly. I don’t, however, miss the fact that I and everything I owned smelled like a cigar. I happen to love the smell of cigars but the majority of my species does not, especially here in California where the only class of people more despised than smokers of tobacco is pedophiles. I am now able to walk down the streets of Los Angeles without people throwing rotten produce at me from passing cars, so I guess it was worth it.

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My final cartoon this week is a reference to Cinderella’s coach, which was notoriously fabricated from a squash and some rodents. I thought this story was a fairytale but according to the Ben Carson book I mentioned above, it has its roots in fact. In ancient Europe, poor people could not afford to eat the super-nutritious grain stored in Egyptian pyramids and so they were much smaller than modern-day Americans––like, 1/8 as big. Accordingly, they used to fashion carriages out of various kinds of produce––pumpkins, watermelons, acorn squash––and use trained rodents to pull them. Personally, I can’t wait until Dr. Carson is president and shares his knuggets of knowledge with us on a daily basis!

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27 thoughts on “Moosen Up

  1. The practice of giving nicknames to serial bank robbers is common here in San Luis Obispo too. Fortunately, they never named this robber (warning: gross content) http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/calif-bank-robbery-suspect-eats-feces-witness-stand-article-1.2164257 but then, he only robbed one bank before getting caught. And yes, it was such an obvious ploy to get declared “legally insane”, it had to fail.Some people just overthink everything.

    And why do the nicknames for Bank Robbers always end with “Bandit”?

  2. Thanks for the Ben Carson jokes, rooted in the same reality as his.

    Ready to post some pictures from the “Hallowedding” yet? Hope all went well. I was also at a wedding Halloween night, and after dinner many of the guests changed into costumes. Great fun. The bride, however, said that she was staying in her bride costume, given the thought, time, and expense she had put into it.

    • It was great fun. I keep meaning to post pics from it but haven’t gotten around to finding time in my schedule. The more time that passes, the less likely I am to get to it, I’m afraid.

  3. Your beach cartoon might not translate into Spanish where a parasol is for sun and a paragua is for rain. Ambiguity and cognitive dissonance rock!

    • Well, “umbrella” is from the Latin for “shade maker” so its function for protection from rain is coincidental. “Parasol” is similar meaning “against the sun.” “Against,” in this case, meaning “protection from.”

  4. I learned me some good facts from this here post. And here I thought that the stuff for your hair was made of scrambled mouses. Good work, Dr. Bizarro!

  5. I love your work and wonder where you get your inspiration. Sometimes I wonder if you start your day with a nice bowl of cereal or weed?? I read the paper every morning at breakfast and your cartoon is always a highlite. Sometimes I shake my head that your thinking is so out there and bizarre so a great name for your strip. Keep up the good work…
    Tim

  6. “As far as I could tell, that tiny label didn’t make the jacket any warmer or more waterproof so I fail to see why it is worth so much money, but then I’ve never pretended to understand the highly complex world of fashion.”

    Here’s a hint: try selling one of your art works without signing it, and see what that does to the price. Is it rational? Nope. But that’s the way the world apparently works. I’m tempted to say the world is a, erm, bizarre place.

    As for smoking, my own personal experience with quitting several times was this: what wears you down in the end is not the intensity of the craving, but the fact that it never quite goes away. During those early, miserable days, one can still bear it because they are also exciting days. In some ways, you DO feel better and you know it’s the healthy thing to do and so on.

    The real trouble comes when, after three months, you still miss the ciggies. And two years later you still miss them, at least now and then. It just never goes away completely. And then you have a bad day and you crack up and go buy a pack.

    Only way I managed to quit was to accept that the craving would never go away. It’s my punishment for having been daft enough to start in the first place.

      • I also quit enjoying my Swisher Sweet Two-Hole Wood Tips several times before finally walking away from them some ten years ago. Unfortunately I have to report to you that, even to this day, the smell of one being enjoyed by some lucky fellow still almost overwhelms me with longing for them. It’s all I can do to keep from crawling onto his lap and begging for a taste!

    • You should read a fantastic book called Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Smoking. It made quitting not only easy but enjoyable. If, after 2 years, you’re still craving it, you might consider reading it. And yes, I get that you’ve quit for a while, but this books makes those ghost cravings go away too. You can probably get it at your local library!

      • Actually, that’s the book I used to quit this time! I’m not really suffering from daily cravings anymore, it’s just every now and then in a particular situation I think, “Boy, would a cigar taste good right now.” No big deal.

        That’s a terrific book for smokers, I agree, in spite of the fact that his writing style is nearly unbearable. :^}

  7. Hey Dan, considering your own malapropism of “elevator” for “umbrella,” can’t you give the Doc a break for mistaking “grain” for “dead Pharoahs”? And I’d sure hate to be mistaken for a paedophile when smoking cigar (but gave that up years ago), considering our 42nd President’s mistaken use of the same. For surely his wife could do better and he’d make a great First Lady.

    I mean, why should our presidents and those running for the office get all the attention, albeit negative?

  8. Someone should let Ben Carson know that the pyramids would be much better at storing grain if you turned them over. I’m not sure how he thinks they got the grain into or out of the pyramids.

  9. The Carson jokes are deserved, but you want to be a TRUE subversive comic, Dan? Grow a pair and call out Hillary for her support of drone strikes, targeted assassinations, the surveillance state, and the war on drugs. Prove you’re a true satirist and not just a partisan hack.

  10. I’m so glad someone else mixes up words! Ever since I was little I switch “white” and “yellow”. To the point that they thought I was either colour blind or had a learning disability in junior kindergarden. I still mix them up and just a couple days ago was pointing out the “white, uh, yellow” crayon to my daughter. my kids are messed.

  11. The Sunday moose (mousse) is a classic.
    Not just a clever juxtaposition, but a 4 panel drama:
    The moose complacently munching a mouthful of grass
    The moose shocked by the behavior of the strange 2-legged animal
    The moose savoring the flavor
    The moose showing lip-smacking satisfaction

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