King Duane


Bizarro 11-22-15 hdrWEB

(For an embiggenated view, click the vaccuum cleaner.)Bizarro 11-22-15 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by The History of Thanksgiving (USA)

My beloved Olive Oyl and I were discussing the current terrorism/refugee crisis and it occurred to us that what we really need right now is an alien invasion to unite the people of Earth against a common foe. Of course, substituting one set of problems for another isn’t a very good solution, but it would be nice (for once) to see people realizing that there are bigger issues in the universe than whether or not everyone else is praying to the same imaginary magic person in the sky as they are.

It wouldn’t work, of course. Inter-species squabbles would continue because the impulse to believe that ancient mythology is literal truth is somehow programmed into the human brain in a way that dissolves reason and logic in most people.  A recent poll showed that Americans would hypothetically vote for a presidential candidate from pretty much any race, lifestyle, or religion, except for atheists. In a world where religious fundamentalists are destroying everyone’s peace, does it make sense to refuse to allow someone who does not buy into that same shell game to lead us?

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I don’t know exactly what this guy has up his sleeve but I wish my name was “Fishwetter”.

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Not all dogs are telepathic but many are. I’ve lived with several. My current canine companion can implant even the most complex ideas into my head, just by staring at me. A couple of days ago I caught myself handing her the keys to my car because she wanted to go to the dog park. That’s all well and good, she’s a pretty good driver, but she had not remembered to bring a couple of poop bags with her and running around like a maniac with strangers always loosens her colon.
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When I look at the damage we relatively small, hairless mammals have caused on this planet I sometimes lament the arrival of the meteor that made it all possible. And now, a mere blink of the evolutionary eye later, we’re on the brink of self extinction. What an odd bunch of monkeys we are.

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Well, this cartoon is just weird and I don’t know what to say about it. I think I was just riffing on the graphic language of lines and how two characters might have completely different reasons for having vertical lines on their faces.

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This cartoon is about as sexually racy as syndicated newspaper cartoonists are allowed to get in the U.S.  For the most part, Americans are much more comfortable with violence than they are with sex, which is likely why we have such high rates of both gun-related violence and violence against women. I’ve not done any extensive research into this but I can’t help but feel that our empire-building and puritanical roots have something to do with these anomalies between us and other industrialized nations.

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Like most American homes back in the 70s, the one I grew up in had shag carpeting. To this day I cannot understand how people missed the fact that if you wanted to create a way to attract and trap filth of all kinds in your home and be certain your family would come into contact with it on a minute-to-minute basis, you could hardly do better than shag carpet. As though living with it in the house weren’t enough of a health hazard, we teens of the era would take disgusting, discarded shag carpeting from curbsides and trash bins and line our garage walls and ceilings with it to insulate our neighbors from the horrific music our rock bands were making therein. It is a testament to the human immune system that a large portion of the human race did not die of various carpet-borne diseases.

That’s it for this week, Jazz Pickles. I hope those of you in the U.S. have a safe and satisfactory holiday later this week, and those of you who are elsewhere have other nice things.


28 thoughts on “King Duane

  1. Then shag carpets are good for building up the immune system in children. If their world is too clean then we have to resort to vaccines, and they almost always contain dihydrogen monixide.

  2. Especially like King duane. The comedy of the juxtaposition worked instantly, but the physical likeness too a little while to get to me, so I got 2 laughs!

  3. I love the cartoon about the telepathic dog! That describes my “Lucy”!! The cartoon dog even looks like her! I call her the Jedi Dog because she does Jedi mind tricks to get food from me. Recently, I brought home a burger and fries. I gave Lucy a couple of fries while I ate the burger. After I finished the burger, I decided that fries would be too much for me and her to eat, so I gathered them in a napkin. Lucy was staring at me the whole time. When I picked up the bundle of fries in the napkin to put it in the takeout bag to throw away, the napkin immediately unbundled itself, the fries fell to the floor, where Lucy gobbled them up. She is a Jedi Master!

  4. “…what we really need right now is an alien invasion to unite the people of Earth against a common foe.”

    This was one of the plot elements of Ursala K McGuin’s “Lathe of Heaven”, for what it’s worth…


    • It’s also a favorite trick of those seeking power since the dawn of civilization. I almost went into this in my post but thought it was too serious and would take too long. But here, I can vent. Virtually every election anywhere contains a certain element of finger pointing toward minorities, foreigners, “perverts”, etc., as the “real problem”. In the current U.S. presidential campaign, the Republicans and Fox News puppets regularly bang the drum against Mexican immigrants and homosexuals. Now that ISIS has attacked Paris, they’re focusing on rallying people against letting Syrian refugees into the U.S., in spite of the fact that any number of experts have publicly said that this is perhaps the most difficult way to sneak terrorists into America and not a legitimate threat. Militant fundamentalists have had much more success recruiting disgruntled Muslims already living in western countries, which the bigoted rhetoric of conservatives helps to fuel in a big way.

      None of these issues are ever the “real problem,” but appealing to voters’ fear of “the other” always works.

  5. The Puritan work ethic got a lot done but came with such a load of baggage one wonders if we might have been better founded on innovatively lazy atheists. Thank you for your thoughts today. It appears that the yearlong subscription attached to my Bizarro app has elapsed. Your textual observations compensate for having to wait for the weekend (or whenever) post.

  6. Tanning booth/Shoeshine stand gag

    I read your gags aloud. The first read I busted up at shoeshine. Second read, I lost it at fell asleep. Third read, well, I didn’t get to any reading, I was in tears just thinking about it.

    Good work!

  7. You seem to be getting better with age, and that’s saying a lot. I laughed out loud at the Mini Blinds and Telepathic Dog panels. Your imagination has really hit its stride. Keep up the great work!

  8. I’m looking forward to your post every week to make my sunday evening a good one. I like most of them, smile and laugh out loud a lot but your “our empire-building and puritanical roots have something to do with these anomalies between us and other industrialized nations”-one is soooo….. fantastic. Perfect. Right. Thanks for it! Apart from this ‘Trumpism’ which is going on in your country in the moment this puritanism is the one thing which confuses me most (but the wig man thing is veeery disturbing as well 😳!)

    • I can’t express how disturbing it is that there are Americans who would consider handing our country over to such an unqualified, bigoted bully as Donald Trump. At a time when foreign policy is the most precarious it has been since the dawn of civilization, this would almost certainly be the most colossal error since “electing” George W. Bush, who is arguably responsible for lighting this fire in the first place. (Lighting, not preparing the kindling––that’s been building for many decades.)

      On another note, I’m not sure what you mean by “the wig man thing”. Can you clarify?

  9. As your biggest fan named Duane, as someone who’s faith is simply Duanism (I have been a Duanist since the 1990s), and as someone who has also been wishing for an alien invasion as of late, I find the first comic way too eery.

  10. I love the detail in your art, such as the shelved groceries in today’s strip. You seem to love your work. You’re clearly not just sketching something quick to get it out the door. Vry nz.

  11. Googling around looking up pre-WWII Nazi speeches, without reading what we know to be between the lines, they can sound fairly reasonable by today’s standards, which is quite frightening. Tea partiers are reminiscent of Birchers.

    On the topic of the link with sex and violence, Maher on Real Time ran down a list of our (U.S.’s) recent mass shooters and referenced the evidence of sexual frustration with notes/emails/posts.

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