Bizarro 02-07-16 hdrWEB

(Enjoy the delights of embiggenation by clicking any nose within an image.)Bizarro 02-07-16 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Deep Sea Jazz Pickles.

Today’s big Sunday cartoon is a history lesson wrapped in humor. Two historical facts that one must know to fully appreciate it are these: horses did not occur in the Americas before Europeans brought them, and corn did not occur in Europe until Indians smuggled it in disguised as straight, bumpy bananas wrapped in leafy husks.

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Regarding the cartoon above. English speakers often call an untidy person a “pig,” and an untidy space a “pig sty” but that’s only because pigs cover their bodies with mud to protect themselves from sun damage and insects. This is primarily due to the lack of availability of affordable clothing designed for pigs.  In truth, outside of the mud thing, pigs are quite tidy; they don’t poop in their living spaces (unlike most humans who have toilets in their homes) and they don’t cover their tables and desks with piles of papers and car keys and other forms of clutter.

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Say what you will about physicians who used to be veterinarians, they can be a very good source for an inexpensive, no-fuss vasectomy. As long as you don’t mind a few days of wearing a plastic collar.

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All I can say about the cartoon above is that if you can find a talented therapist who is also an authentic psychic, hang on to them.
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I wanted to create a cartoon that looked like it was about our cave-dwelling ancestors but was actually about modern people pretending to be cave people while on vacation. I’ve not heard of this actually happening but I cannot imagine that something like this hasn’t been marketed before. If it hasn’t, it’s only a matter of time before it is. Oh, and “Cavebnb” is a reference to a popular travel site called Airbnb. 

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I’ve often thought that Wine Spectator (which actually exists) was an odd name for a magazine so I’ve added one called Wine Participant to give it perspective. WP is for folks who like to drink wine, WS is for those who are happy to watch others drink.
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I recently attended yoga classes a few times a week for three years and always found what accomplished yogis could do (virtually always women, in my experience) to be anywhere from impressive to unnatural and gross. I envy them, however, as I believe that flexibility is an enormous key to living comfortably, especially as one gets older. But like most physical pursuits, genetics play a major part and after a few years of working pretty hard at it, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll never be particularly flexible. That’s not to say that I haven’t gotten a lot of good out of yoga. I met my partner, Olive Oyl, there (who used to be able do the ponytail pose illustrated above but wears her hair shorter now so has to balance on a can of soda) and I also got my dog from there after a fellow class member had rescued her off the mean streets and was looking for someone to adopt her. She’s pretty good at yoga, too, though when company comes to the house she has a problem with “down dog” until her excitement dissipates a little.

That’s the weekly roundup of Bizarro cartoons, Jazz Pickles. If I make it until next week, I’ll do this again. Good luck!


21 thoughts on “CornHorses

  1. I always enjoy your cartoons, commentary, and particular brand of insanity, Dan. I’ve learned that anything that causes me even a slight change in perspective is good for my own creativity and sanity.

  2. Prehistorical note: there *were* horses in America before Columbus (in fact, horses first evolved in North America), but went extinct about 13,000 years ago, partly due to the hunting prowess of the ancestors of the Native Americans in your comic. There is fairly decent evidence, however, that the horses that the Europeans brought with them to the “new world” were a subspecies of a species that were among those last, apparently tasty, horses in North America.

    • I did not know that. I knew that camels had originated in North America––some went south and became llamas and alpacas, other went through Asia to the Middle East and became dromedary and bactrian camels. But I didn’t know that about horses. Thanks!

  3. Apropos the veterinarian: My son had abdominal surgery last year, and when his surgeon visited him in recovery, he was told that they’d inserted a surgical drain at the incision site.

    Without missing a beat, he quipped,

    “Does this mean I’ll have to wear one of those collars so I don’t chew on it?”

    Wit at short notice has always been his forte.

  4. OMG! Hilariously funny this week. (You are other weeks too, I might add.) Not only did the cartoons have me laughing but so did your commentary. Please never die. The world needs you.

  5. According to my 1981 edition of the American Heritage Dictionary, the word “corn” existed in Old English (that is, prior to Columbus’ voyages to the New World), referring to the edible portions of the grains barley, rye, oats, and wheat. I’d give you an exact quote, but my dictionary’s other current occupation is serve as a base for my flat screen.

  6. In Old England, they referred to any grain as “corn”, such as “a corn of wheat”. What we Americans call corn was called “maiz” by the Spaniards when they took it back to Europe.

  7. There is a Caveman room at the Madonna Inn in San Luis Obispo, CA. Walls of solid rock. Animal prints, rock pond and stone-age clubs add to the primitive surroundings. A waterfall spills from overhead in the stone shower and water flows from the rocks into a stone sink basin. No fire on the floor, though. Fun place to visit.

  8. Regarding the comic on 2-11-16 with Buddha and Jesus:

    It is a common misconception in the West that Buddha was fat. This is not true. Buddha always followed the Middle Path (no extremes).

    The so-called ‘Fat Buddha’ is actually Budai, an eccentric Chinese Zen monk who lived during the Later Liang Dynasty (907–923 CE) of China.

  9. February 11, 2016
    I challenge you, Dan, to create a cartoon similar to today’s, replacing
    Jesus with Mohammad. It does not take courage, nor honor, to
    create “humor” that is the heart of Christianity.

  10. Today’s comic with Buddha and Jesus is so spot on! I’ve often thought how much fun it would be to have a time machine to take some Jerry Falwell or Ted Cruz types back to about 30 C.E. and introduce them to the real Jesus.

  11. Today’s cartoon (2/12/16) seemed very difficult to interpret to me. My wife finally came up with the idea that the clown was talking to Cinderella who had just left the scene. It appeared in our paper in a wide panel which put the castle very far in the distance. So it was impossible to see the Clocktower at midnight. The bushes are full of lies and a couple of tiny aliens in flying saucers. Plus there’s a slice of pie on the ground over in the far right. Is there any meeting there or is this just Bizarro?

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