Future of Cruising


Bizarro 02-28-16 HdrWEB

(To engage the embiggenation sequence count backwards from five to zero, then click any image.)Bizarro 02-28-16 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Relationship Advice.

When I was a boy in the 1960s it was widely believed that flying cars would be a standard feature of my adulthood. The Jetsons promised it and it seemed inevitable. But the lousy driving habits of most people (science has determined that the exact percentage of crappy drivers on the road is everyone but you) have kept that from becoming a reality. Strangers would be crashing into your upstairs bedroom or fifteenth-floor apartment living room.

What we did not see coming, however, is self-driving cars. Even a few years ago I would have thought this was further away than it turned out to be. But now it seems likely that in my lifetime, most cars might be self-piloted. As an avid motorcyclist, I can’t wait for that. Unlike humans, computers actually can update their Facebook status or read and send texts safely while driving. I’ll feel much safer when smartphone-obsessed drivers are safely in the back seat where they belong. Not to mention the alarmingly large number of horrible drivers (everyone but me) who aren’t on their phones, they just suck at driving.

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Thanks to Bernie Sanders, a lot of the talk on the Democrats’ side of the presidential campaign has been about income disparity, so this gag seemed timely. I’m told that “380 times” more is an average amount of disparity between CEOs and workers. I don’t know where that number came from, though, so don’t complain too vehemently if you heard differently. FOX News, which is a shill for big money and monster corporations, will tell you the number is much lower than that and give you a thousand reasons why the handful of folks at the top making enormously huge salaries is good for America and good for you, the little guy. Legitimate news organizations, on the other hand, will point out that wealth continues to move toward the top few percent of people and the rest of us in the middle class are sliding slowly toward the bottom. History tells us that’s not good for society in the long run. I don’t have an easy answer to this, I just think it is worth thinking about. (Sorry to offend those of my readers who trust FOX News but when one network says one thing and virtually everyone else in the world takes the opposite view, you have to wonder about that one network. A quick glance at who their friends are and you have the answer.)
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Here’s a simple gag about people who dress up their dogs. Relax, there’s no political message here.

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As I knew I would, I got a few emails and comments asking what this gag is about. Physicists have long been looking for something they call the “Higgs boson,” which is a particle that is fundamental to particle physics theory. It’s one of the reasons the Large Hadron Collider was built. To be honest, that’s as much as my tiny brain can fathom about it, but it was enough to stage the comic as though a person with a similar name could be mistaken for the particle. I knew when I wrote this gag that it would be hilarious to certain folks and a complete mystery to others. A good friend of mine is a super smart best-selling author of books about cool things that cool people read and he hired me to do some cartoons for his next book. This was one he liked very much but his editor didn’t think was quite right for the book, so I used it in Bizarro. My friend is Daniel Levitin, if you’re curious. 

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Lots of people liked this cartoon about Sean Penn’s proclivity for inserting himself into major news stories. One guy wrote to me to tell me that global warming is a myth that I should not be perpetuating. (sigh)

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I’ve read a few things that say that the streets of Manhattan might well be under a few feet of water in the not-too-distant future. This fascinates me. How will they deal with it? I cannot imagine the city being abandoned. Will they build a dike around the island to keep the water out and just live below sea level? We saw how that worked out for New Orleans. Will they simply abandon the ground level, move everyone up one floor, and fill the canals with gondolas? Anyway, whatever happens and however much the Koch Brothers deny climate change, you can bet they are planning investment strategies to capitalize on it. They’re too smart (and greedy) not to.

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This last cartoon makes me smile. Hope it does the same for you.

That’s my cartoon roundup today so I’m off to my secret underground bunker for another week. But first I’d like to remind you that if you’re looking for a special and unique gift for someone who enjoys art and humor (perhaps that someone is you!) a limited-edition, signed and numbered, fancy-paper fine art print of one of my Bizarro cartoons might be perfect. I sign each one with my own pen, held in my own twisted claw as the print rests serenely on my kitchen table and I struggle to keep my cat from walking across it. What fun it would be to have something on your wall that was once in my modest home! Here’s where those things are being kept.



39 thoughts on “Future of Cruising

    • SEZ YOU! I am your oldest fan but I love your cartoons and I laugh out loud … because when you are my age … everything seems ridiculous … for example, J.B. … of this very post.

    • Hi Dan, here’s a reminder that the above commenter is a narcissistic, cynical, holier-than-thou asshole, and your cartoons ARE AMAZING. I love seeing your Sunday notifications for new cartoons pop up on my facebook newsfeed every Sunday! Thank you for all you do :-)

    • (Thank you)x 999999….. there’s no infinity sign for your great weird sense of humor through the years and wonderful artwork besides. I did literally laugh out loud, but refuse to abbreviate.

    • Dude, he might be a narcissistic, cynical, holier-than-thou asshole, but he’s a FUNNY narcissistic, cynical, holier-than-thou asshole, whose cartoons do NOT, in fact, suck. :)

      Or in the words of the Dude: “Yeah, well, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”

    • J.B. Perhaps this begins your weekly reminder that nobody cares what you think… if you want to grow up to be a troll, you’re on the right path… but, if you want to grow up to be a mature individual, you’re starting out on the wrong path. Hiding behind initials does nothing to further your goal of adding value to what you share as your opinion. Own it or shut the F up. Why, if you don’t like Mr. Piraro’s cartoons do you even bother to visit his site? Get a job, find a hobby, look for a boyfriend… do something that takes the time you spend hating on this site to improve yourself!

    • Dear Dan Piraro,
      Maybe you should (could) design a sarcasm icon/ emoticon (whatever they’re called!) that J.B. can attach to his comments. As it is his attempts at “wit” continue to fail (at least) by half. Either that or he has a massive crush on you & is too painfully shy to directly express it….(Doesn’t he realize you’re already IN a relationship?!?)

    • The only person holier is the great J.B. You know it’s true, because he keeps making a point of letting people know.
      Also, J.B. I love how grounded your arguments are each time. Thanks for your consistent devoted efforts to spread the good word. You should consider being a Jehova’s Witness, they could use a guy like you.

  1. Dang, I wish there was a pie repair shop around here! Mine keep getting pieces disappearing….
    You Sunday recap is a weekly highlight, thank you!

  2. The wiener dog in the first one is great!

    All of them all but as an owner of two dachshunds it’s nice to see them get their fair share of Bizarro billing.

  3. Cool to know that you sign the pictures in your home. That explains the jelly stain on the back, I’ll cherish it until the ants clean it all off. Just kidding about the jelly, and the ants. The thing is professionally matted and framed with real glass and everything. I haven’t figured out which wall is worthy of hosting it yet.

  4. Dan, my sister’s husband tells me global warming and climate change isn’t really true. He should know; he spends a lot of time browsing the internet.

  5. Re: self-driving cars: while the general public of the 60s may only have been expecting *flying* cars, Science Fiction readers of the era *were* expecting self-driving ones.

    Re: Super Collider: as one who follows theoretical physics (only as an informed layperson), I should point out that the name of the collider you reference is the Large Hadron Collider, and the search for the Higgs boson was a small–though well-publicised–part of the reason it was built. There *was* a collider planned for the US that included the name you used–the Superconducting Super-Collider (SCSC or “SC squared” for short)–but it was canned after being partially constructed (thank you idiots in D.C.!).

    • Thanks for the correction. As I said, I know very little about these things. I’ve edited the post and changed the name to the correct one!

  6. It took me a couple of seconds to figure out the cartoon about the self-driving car cruising on its own.

    In regards to your cartoon about the Koch brothers opening a gondola factory, that seems to be one of the many ways that people like them different from the rest of us – they are always looking for ways to make more money and will change direction as soon as things come up or change, whether climate or laws or whatever. I hear about large financial firms finding and exploiting loopholes in existing laws and doing other things when new laws are passed, all in the interest of trying to make money.

    For better or for ill, that’s my take on things.

  7. Your “Higgins Boson” scientist faintly resembles Fabiola Gianotti, the General-Director of C.E.R.N. (which operates the particle accelerator in Europe). Coincidence, or even clevererer cartooning?

  8. Dan: I am so sorry to have to post this, but old English majors just can never be cured. I suspected that the word “dyke” is currently used mostly to mean lesbian and I even looked it up to be sure. Although it used to be interchangeable with “dike,” the predominant usage is now the derogatory term.

    I still love you! The Koch Brothers Gondola Store rings true, considering that Exon secretly researched Climate Change for years while denying it, and insurance companies are using it in their projections. However, we would much rather have a pie repair shop. Like Marcia’s pies, ours keep eroding.

    • Fran: I am so sorry to have to post this, but old English majors just can never be cured. I suspect that you really meant to use the word “Exxon” and not “Exon”.

      You’re welcome.

    • I appreciate the correction, Fran. I meant to check my spelling of that word before I posted, then forgot. I’ve changed the post the correct version now.

  9. Thanks for all your creativity! It is all great. Also, another big thank you for signing your book for my daughters birthday a few years ago. Very cool!

    Jim from Santa Cruz, Calif.

  10. Dan. In light of the destruction wrought by John Oliver last night, I humbly request that you go into the Bizarro Archives, and rewrite every cartoon that has the presidential candidate’s last name in it. That way they all match the Drumpfinator app that I have now installed on my Google Chrome browser. #MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain (I just used a hashtag for the first time in my life. I can’t believe it!)

  11. “…science has determined that the exact percentage of crappy drivers on the road is everyone but you…”

    That’s also how they select nominations for the Darwin Awards. Science used to mean knowledge, but it is has become to be not about data at all but about survival of the fittest, e.g. my perception of myself in comparison to others. And that is what holds back our evolution in the first place. It is not about progress of humanity but it is a perceived progress of me at the expense of everybody else. Which really is no progress at all.

  12. Check out the history of Seattle. They have a small portion of the old town that is underground. What is now the first floor there was once the second floor. Perhaps something similar will happen to Manhattan.

  13. Regarding today’s (Friday’s) panel: What I remember the nurse saying is “You’ll just feel a little prick.”

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