Barf Buffet

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Bizarro 04-10-16 hdrWEB

(An embiggenation of this cartoon can be achieved by clicking it.)Bizarro 04-10-16 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Bagel People.

People often compare dogs and cats: which is smarter, which is the better pet, etc. In my opinion, dogs and cats are such dramatically different species that they really can’t be compared. Dogs are pack animals and want to please their leader, cats are solitary hunters and don’t recognize others as part of their group. Huge difference. Like trying to compare gorillas and squirrels––they both have fur, but beyond that, not much to compare.

One way in which I do think a comparison between dogs and cats is informative, however, is in their usefulness as roommates. I’m not referring to the fact that one will deter burglars and one will not. That’s too obvious. I’m referring to housekeeping. When you live with a dog, you can toss any food item onto the floor and the dog will immediately remove it with the efficiency of a steam cleaner. This alleviates the bothersome task of having to walk to the garbage disposer, turn on the water, and flip a switch. Big time saver. Similarly, plates do not need to be washed as you can put those on the floor when you’re finished eating, too. In a matter of seconds, the plate will shine brighter than any dishwashing soap can manage. If you have a trained monkey that can put the plate back into the cabinet when the dog is done, you’re off the hook completely.

Cats, on the other hand, will sometimes eat what you throw on the floor, but then just walk into another room and vomit it back up. Probably onto something that requires dry cleaning. It’s more of a moving service than a cleaning service. In this way, I prefer dogs.

My beloved Olive Oyl and I have one cat and one dog, so we get all the benefits of both. And when the cat pukes, the dog cleans it right up. Disgusting, yes, but not as disgusting as having to clean it up ourselves.

I’ve yet to solve the mystery of how either animal can remain among the living, however, as our dog shits more than she eats and our cat throws up more than she swallows. If anyone knows that answer to that, let me know.

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Did you American readers know that in European countries, people are not afraid of women’s breasts and allow them on TV shows and commercials? Did you European readers know that Americans consider women’s breasts to be obscene objects of terrifying sexual power? It’s all true! Accordingly, as an American, I’ve always thought it amusing the way producers will find clever ways to hide taboo body parts, like the seashell bra that mermaids wear unless their hair is strategically glued to their boobs. Here is an older cartoon I’m quite proud of that refers to the way the Bible books I had access to as a child used to treat Adam and Eve.
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They say that very soon, things you order online will be delivered to your door by drones. Which means that very soon, things you order online will end up in somebody else’s yard after they’ve shot down the delivery drone with a BB gun.

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If you’re confused by this gag about the shoes it may be because you’ve not seen enough old gangster movies. There used to be a cliche that gangsters would tie a guy up, sink his feet in a bucket of cement, let it harden, then throw him into the East River. They called it “cement shoes”. The gangsters in this cartoon aren’t grasping the concept as clearly as they might. This is where the humor part is.

Another place where there’s humor is that in the horizontal strip version of this cartoon, I added a bag of cement on the right called “Mobster’s Choice Cement,” as seen below.

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An email friend of mine, a retired gentleman who enjoys doing comics of his own, sent me a comic he did of “Vague” magazine. I liked it so much I asked if I could do my own version of it and he happily agreed. So here’s my take on it, very similar to his but with a few different subheadings. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

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Tons of people really loved this Trump cartoon and many pointed out that there actually has been at least one Trump board game on the market. Of course there has. Why didn’t I just assume that? If it can have the name Trump printed on it or carved into it, The Donald has marketed it.

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My conspiracy nut cartoon above was published on April 9th. Elsewhere in the newspaper cartoon world, my friend and colleague, Dave Coverly, published the cartoon below in his feature, Speed Bump on exactly the same day.

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Neither Dave nor I was aware of the cartoon the other was going to publish on April 9th. Was this an uncanny coincidence, or were there government agents secretly influencing our thought patterns by spraying us with experimental chemicals via those long, white trails that jets leave in the sky? Savvy readers know the answer. (I am winking now.)

Want to get a unique gift for yourself or somebody you love or despise? How about a super high-quality print from a real live art gallery that was hand-signed by the same hand I use to draw cartoons? No, it’s not a dream, you are awake and this is a real thing. A Los Angeles art gallery is selling a small handful of my favorite cartoons as limited-edition, signed and numbered prints. Each and every one has been on my own kitchen table. Grab one now, before the “limited edition” part kicks in and they’re all gone!

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33 thoughts on “Barf Buffet

  1. yuo have stabbed boredom in the gutt , i enjoy your artwork whenever i get either a copy of the SDET, or the sunday newspaper that i find here in TJ, happy sunday Mr. Piraro, and thanks for the laughs!

  2. In the Globe and Mail your cartoon is next door to Speed Bump, so the alleged coincidence was even more obvious.

    • Some 10 years ago I started noticing when cartoons seemed to be “in sync” like this, either the subject, the setup or the punchline. After a few months of seeing this I started cutting them out. I now have a folder some three inches (that’s 5 cm for those of you in the rational world) thick. There’s probably a Master’s degree in Sociology hiding in there somewhere!

      – Jack

  3. Is is possible to get just an unframed signed print? Then I could frame it myself to match other such prints in my collection of famous cartoonists…

    • I’m not sure about QART’s policy on that. You’d have to ask them via their website. You can get an unsigned print without a frame from King Features, however. Find the cartoon you want on Bizarro.com by using the calendar, then hit “buy prints” link underneath. If you have a favorite image you’re looking for, let me know and I can provide a direct link to the correct date and image. Make sense?

  4. Ah, yes, the breast, that fearsome funbag that Americans find so very, very scary. It’s a miracle you guys are able to reproduce.

  5. Each and every one is a delight; but, my favorite is the poor kitty who can’t get his money’s worth. I do believe I seen almost every one of those critters on the door step at least once.

    • Jakob. I am in the US and would be happy to work out some sneaky and subversive way to enable you to have your deserved heart’s desire–send to me and I send to you if you pay for the shipping. I have a PayPal account. Also, I live by a code of honor for lack of a better description and wouldn’t hold onto it once I got my grubby paws on it. Seriously. Karma rules here. Don’t want to give out my email here…or my home address, Social Security number or bank account info. :). I know we are all one Bizzaro family and all but still…there may be a few n’er do wells out there. Can Dan send you a private msg with my email from the subscription list? Or would you want to just reply with yours?

      • If Jakob wants to connect with you via email, he can say so in a comment and I’ll email you both with contacts for each other. Thanks for your kind offer, Claire.

  6. Barffet…meow. (That’s all I had to say, but had to add this digression to allow me to post, as 14 characters was regurgitated by the comment widget.)

  7. “Neither Dave nor I was aware of the cartoon the other was going to publish on April 9th.”

    Oh, RIGHT! Just a BI-I-I-I-IG concidence.

  8. I can’t wait to see drones flying around delivering packages. What could possibly go wrong? Besides mischievous children and teenagers, gang members and others with guns, fun-loving dogs and clawing cats, that is……

  9. Dan –
    Love your comics, especially the artwork.
    But PLEASE do NOT put food down your garbage disposal in the sink. Even the smallest amounts of food or oils contribute to sewer blockages which can cause overflows into rivers and creek, often times resulting in fish kills. It’s one of those things you never think of until you work for the sewer department of a major American city.
    And, to answer your next question, I don’t know why they install them if we shouldn’t use them.
    Thanks for all the entertaining comics!!

    • Thanks for the note, Frank. I didn’t know this although we’ve been told we have old pipes that are already experiencing some blockage so we’re not supposed to put food down the disposal. We’ll redouble our efforts now, though!

    • In the U.S. people tend to give brightly-colored mylar balloons to people who are in the hospital. The doctor is saying the patient’s “balloon count” is down, the way he might say his “white blood cell count is down” or whatever. That’s all there is to it, thanks for asking. :^}

  10. I generally enjoy looking for all of your eastereggs, but I especially liked one in today’s boxing cartoon, the bird hanging from the rope.

  11. Thanks for the laughs on cats and dogs. When my sister’s kids were tiny, my mother often came over to babysit. One day, my sister saw mom giving the kids strawberries and screamed “Don’t give the kids strawberries!” My mom panicked, thinking they were allergic. My sister calmly explained: “The dog doesn’t like strawberries and won’t clean up the floor!”

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