Monkey Butt


Bizarro 03-25-12 HdrWEB

(You, too, can achieve cartoon embiggenation by clicking any of these images.)Bizarro 06-12-16 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Bathroom I.D. Issues.

At various times in my adult life I have gone through periods where oddball children’s rhymes occur to me. I write them down with the intention of someday publishing a book of them but I’ve never gotten around to it. Here is one converted into a Sunday comic instead.

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Monday’s cartoon about the primitive man misrepresenting his hunting skills with cave art led a Jazz Pickle to send me a link to an article on National Geographic’s site, which I’ve linked to below. As you may know, some ancient cave artists put their hand on the wall and sprayed paint around it by blowing it out of their mouths to create a kind of stencil of their hand. Recently, a scientist decided to measure the proportion of the fingers in those stencils and discovered that many cave artists were likely women, which has not been the traditional belief.

Which brings up another interesting fact you may not be aware of: men’s and women’s fingers have different proportions to each other––men’s ring fingers tend to be longer than their index fingers, women’s are about the same length. Another fascinating study was done a few years ago showing that both male and female homosexuals tend to have finger lengths that match the opposite sex. Sorry, homophobic religious bigots (as distinguished from the many believers who are not discriminatory homophobics) but this is physiological evidence of what people with common sense have known for ages: Our sexual orientation is not a conscious “choice” and therefore cannot be a sin. Why not take a step out of the Dark Ages and join the enlightenment.

Here’s the story about the cave art.

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I am a person who lives in terror of being bored against my will, so I tend to take note of jobs that I think would be the most horrible. Toll booth operators are at the top of my list as well as museum guards. As a museum guard, the most exciting thing you are likely to ever do is ask someone to step back away from something. Other jobs I could never tolerate for reasons of boredom include anything in a law office (including being a lawyer), accountant, long-haul truck driver, train driver, and traffic cop. There are millions more, of course. I count myself exceedingly lucky to have been able to cobble together a living as an artist. I’m not rich, but I’m not trapped behind the microphone of a drive-in window, either.

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The current presidential campaign gave me this idea but it happens in all areas of life these days. A couple of hundred years ago, when Trump insulted Cruz, Cruz would have challenged him to a duel, they would have met at dawn in a field somewhere, and the world would be rid of one of them. With Trump’s penchant for childish insults, that field would quickly either include Trump’s yellow-orange corpse or, if he were an amazing shot, would be littered with bodies. My guess is that had he lived in those days, Trump would either have learned basic social etiquette, or would not have lived remotely long enough to qualify as a presidential candidate. (Minimum age being 35 years.)

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This cat/dog cartoon was inspired by the strange battles over public restrooms that so many people in our country are currently having conniption fits over. In my view, we should allow everyone to use whatever restroom they want because, guess what, they already do and it’s been no big deal. If someone wants to victimize someone in a public restroom, a law won’t stop them. And transgender folk are not looking to victimize people, they are looking to not be victimized by the same bigots who want to pass these laws. I saw a terrific meme somewhere on the Interwebs that said, “It wasn’t about water fountains in the 60s and it isn’t about bathrooms now”. It’s about bigotry and, like most of these campaigns to scare the shit out of so-called “decent” people, there’s nothing there to be afraid of.

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My latest cartoon about Trump got quite a lot of play on my Bizarro FB page this week, and sparked some heated political debate. I’m proud of this one because it’s about Trump without mentioning him by name, and it’s fairly non-partisan because everyone on both sides of the aisle can agree on one thing: Trump’s hair is a ridiculous hybrid of a 70s gameshow host, a TV evangelist, and a rodent dipped in orange paint.

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Yes, another Noah’s Ark joke. I’m sorry. For some reason I’ve been thinking of a lot of these lately. No idea why. But this concept amused me: a person who is likely to believe in Sasquatch (Bigfoot, et al) is also likely to believe that the myth of Noah’s Ark actually happened, which means that somewhere out there are any number of people who would think this cartoon is a logical, scientific explanation of how Sasquatches survived The Flood.

Thanks for reading, Jazz Pickles. If you’ve been enjoying Bizarro online and not in newspapers, I would ask you to keep in mind that I don’t get paid for cartoons online, so please consider becoming a patron of my cartoons by making a one-time or tiny monthly donation by using the Tip Jar in the righthand margin of this blog. Or find the Tip Jar here! It will help keep me out of a highway toll booth.

And one more fun thing: a fine art gallery in LA is selling some of my favorite Bizarro gags as super-nice, framed, limited-edition, signed and numbered prints. Talk about a cool, unique gift for that special someone, who may even just be yourself. Check them out here!


24 thoughts on “Monkey Butt

  1. Dear Dan,

    My family and I have been enjoying your excellent cartoons for a very long time (won’t say how many years, because I’m not ready for the nursing home), in the San Francisco Chronicle. Through the years, the Chronicle’s daily paper has bounced your cartoon all over the place. From a great spot on the back page of their datebook section, to it’s current location, too left page of the comics.

    We also saw an exhibit of your work at San Francisco’s Cartoon Art Museum.

    I enjoy your weekly round-up of your comics online mainly because the color reproduction is better and the screen resoluion appears to be much better than news print reproduction.

    Thank you for sharing.

  2. I love the nursery rhyme one. My mother was a primary school teacher way back when they couldn’t afford glossy posters, so she used to paint her own rhymes like this and hang them around the classroom. Having grown up with these masterpieces drying around the house, I find myself rhyming like this instead of just plain talking to trees or building model aircraft out of matchsticks like other people.

  3. I’ve had a petsitting Biz for 20 years, great job. But I had a customer with a falcon who I had to feed a young grouse every day. They came frozen, 24 to a box, neatly tucked in with their necks broken over their backs. It occurred to me that SOMEONE (probably making min. wage) had THAT job. . Oh, dear…

  4. I love the “oddball children’s rhymes” (and everything else, of course)! The format you’ve done here is perfect for a book — why not do them occasionally until you have enough for a collection?

    • I might. Many of them don’t make such good comics, really. Too long and complex. I’d still love to do a book of them one day.

  5. Rhymes with “ark.”

    Lark. Fark. Gark. Stark. Hoax (well, no I guess that doesn’t rhyme). Bark (for the 826 dog breeds on board). Mark (for the – well you know who the marks are).

  6. Re: Public Restrooms – What if we just did away with segregation and made them all just “Restrooms?” I mean they all have doors on the stalls and separators at the urinals already so what’s the big deal? The only downside I can see (for cartoonists) is that you lose the premise for the lines-at-women’s-restrooms-but-not-at-men’s gags.

    Re: Surfeit of Noah’s Ark gags lately – Maybe you sense a world-destroying disaster coming?

  7. “men’s ring fingers tend to be longer than their index fingers, women’s are about the same length. Another fascinating study was done a few years ago showing that both male and female homosexuals tend to have finger lengths that match the opposite sex.”

    Mmmmm…. not in my case. I’m heterosexual female, with both ring fingers noticeably longer than my index fingers.

    • It’s not an exact science, just a tendency. They’ve determined it has to do with the amount of testosterone the fetus was exposed to in the womb.

  8. Dan, we’ve been big fans of your cartoons for years (as well as your sense of humor and sense of decency, among others). Hope you continue to do your thang for many years to come.

  9. Hi,
    Just got back from a week in the Sierras and caught up on last week’s cartoons, so this is a delayed comment on the dog’s idea of “gross.”

    Has anyone done one from the dog’s point of view on his person’s ritual of carrying a plastic bag and pooper scooper on their walks? What must the poor pooch think is going on with that?

  10. Hi Dan,
    LOVE your work, can’t understand why I came you know it so late (I’m over 50, have followed your work for maybe five years…).

    Been wondering why, in these posts, the artwork is sometimes in reverse from what is printed in the paper (LA Times in my case). The dialog balloons aren’t reverse, so it’s not “flopped”. What’s the deal?

    PLEASE do NOT retire as you’ve intimated! Your work remains at the top of the commentary/genius-in-observation-they-playing-with-it genre. I trust your parent(s) never said, “Dan, don’t play with your concepts”.

    • Thanks for the nice words, Greg! The reason for the flopped images is that I construct each of my comics in vertical panel and horizontal strip form to give newspaper clients the option to publish it either way. When constructing a cartoon, you want the punch line to be as near the end of the experience as possible, which in English means the lower right. Some punch lines are verbal, some are the picture. In the vertical panel format, the words are always at the top but in the horizontal version, sometimes I want the reader to see the pic first, then read the words, and sometimes vice versa. So I change the composition to create the best flow.

  11. My fav, ever, any artist: Giant ant reading “Them” in a waiting room, other patient reading “US”.

    FWIW, I have an out-take of Gort and Klaatu, framed, among my family pix in my house.

    Speaking of Gort, he’s in a storefront window on La Brea south of Olympic.

    Thanks for making us laugh!


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