Pet Shop Shenanigans

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(Colonel Firmstool, the Bizarro mascot dog shown above, wishes to remind you that a simple click to the hindquarters of any character in these cartoons will result in embiggenation.)

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Bizarro is brought to you today by The Beauty and Grace of Synchronized Diving.

You’re going to want to embiggenate today’s pet shop cartoon because it has 8 secret symbols and six or seven small background jokes that have been specially formulated to curl the edges of your mouth upward.

And if you enjoy the kooky character drawings in this cartoon, you’ll flip out over the wackymonkey nonsense I filled my new book with. You don’t have to enjoy coloring to get a lot out of this book. Each page will lead to hours of mind-bending gazing and save you a fortune on recreational drugs! (The book is completely appropriate for all ages, by the way, though some recreational drugs may not be.) Here’s another sneak preview of a page.

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I’m a big fan of dogs as a species but because I want to have a good relationship with you and I believe that the quality of any relationship hinges first on honesty, I’m going to be completely honest and tell you that I’m not a big fan of the Shih Tzu. When I look at their long, prom-dress fur, the almost ubiquitous bow on their head, and their little upturned noses, I cannot see how they descended from wolves. No chance. In fact, I think it is highly unlikely they are the product of any biological process whatsoever and are probably the result of a magic spell of some kind. One thing I do like about Shih Tzus, however, is their name. Because it sounds a little bit dirty.

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I live in the Los Angeles area where pretty much everyone who makes more than minimum wage has had cosmetic surgery. I understand the temptation; almost anyone over a certain age begins to regret the creeping failures of the flesh. But asking a stranger to slice you up like a pumpkin and glue you back together again so you’ll (temporarily) look (a little) like you did 7 years ago seems like a losing game. As we all know from certain celebrities who have played too much in that particular sandbox, eventually they look like figures from a wax museum that were placed too close to the heat vent.

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This cartoon tickles me because it lampoons the various social media trends like #ManicMonday, #ThrowbackThursday, #FaintSmellOfRottingFigsFriday, etc.  I’m aware of these things but I don’t participate in them very much because I stubbornly insist on living in the natural world, the one that existed before the Internet and has living, breathing flora and fauna. Old timers sometimes call it “the real world,” but based on certain areas of philosophy and physics, I’m not prepared to go quite that far. That’s not to say that I don’t appreciate your stopping by my cyberhouse here at Bizarro.com to read these cartoons and comments, of course. #ArrogantHypocrite

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Here’s another fun cartoon for embiggenation because, once again, I’ve placed some fun background gags in it in the form of medical pamphlets. Here’s an enlarged view of the pamphlets for your amusement. 

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I quite like this cartoon about the famous Running of the Bulls in Pamploma and other towns. In its traditional form, a group of bulls is herded from the countryside where they are raised, through the streets of town to the bullring, where they will die in a cruel and gruesome manner later that day. I see it as a barbaric practice leftover from archaic times, like gladiators fighting to the death and other forms of bloodsport, and wish bullfighting would be outlawed worldwide. Progress is being made along these lines but we’re not there yet. The good news is that even if bullfighting is outlawed, they can still herd bulls through the streets and let people test their courage and reflexes by running along with them. I see it as a form of natural selection.

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How much do kids get from the Tooth Fairy these days? When I was a kid it was a quarter per tooth. When my kids were young, I think it was a dollar. According to my dad, when he was young he got a morsel of coal which he could then light on fire and bask in the minuscule warmth of for ten or fifteen minutes before going back to the tomb-like cold of his family’s shack. Donald Trump reportedly got a thousand bucks per tooth, and if that wasn’t enough to gold plate some small object of his fancy, homeless street orphans were brought in for him to pull their teeth out with pliers so he could sell them to the Tooth Fairy. True story. Believe me.

Thanks for joining me for another post, Jazz Pickles. And thanks to the big crowd of lovely folks who came to my talk last night at the South Pasadena Library. It was terrific meeting you all and an honor to make you chuckle.

Great gift ideas:

My new book, inspired and inspiring for all ages.  (Only $6)

A nice, archival, color print of any Bizarro cartoon by going to Bizarro.com, using the CALENDAR link below the cartoon to pull up an image you want a print of, then hitting the BUY PRINTS link below the cartoon. ($30 to $100)

Larger, nicer, limited-edition, signed and numbered, museum-quality, framed prints of some of my favorite Bizarro cartoons. ( $200)

Also some framed original Bizarro art from that same site. ($1000)

I also encourage you to feel the satisfaction of supporting the arts by making a one-time donation or monthly contribution to Bizarro. As newspapers shrink in numbers and pay less for comics, it’s getting harder for guys like me to stay in the game since most folks read my work for free online. A few bucks a month helps keep the comedy cogs cranking and is much appreciated!

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28 thoughts on “Pet Shop Shenanigans

  1. Mr. Piraro,

    Your mind is delightfully twisted in extra-dimensional/dementianal ways! Sandy Claws should be very good to you this year. I have it from reliable scourges that he’s a great fan.

  2. I pre-ordered your Bizarro Land Coloring Book and it arrived this week. I enthusiastically recommend it as a source of surrealistic relief from the disturbing so-called reality of today. I have a package of multi-colored Flair(TM) felt-tip pens I acquired some time go (and am still trying to find in my desk drawers), but I wonder if I’ll even bother because all the images are so much fun and your coloring and shading is so good I know mine will look sad by comparison. I’ll just keep looking at the pretty pictures and try to count all the characters with handlebar mustaches (112 so far).

    • Thanks for that generous review, Craig! I didn’t count the number of crazy mustaches in that book so let me know the final number you end up with!

  3. Thanks for the stellar comedy show last night! You were exceptionally funny and were very gracious to your lead-in act, an acoustical guitarist, not the best starter for standup, but hey, he was just there for the fame and the money.

    I love your Bizarro Land Comic Book! It will provide me hours of entertainment both with and without the use of mind-altering substances. I’m so very sorry you ran out of copies; I was all set to take care of my Christmas shopping!

    Finally, it was kind of you to include a slice of pie next to your signature; I feel like I’m a member of a secret society now.

    Finally… and I really mean it this time… “Colonel Firmstool, the Bizarro mascot dog!”  I laughed like a little girl!  Then I stopped because I was embarrassed.

    Please call me if you need help loading your moving van next month. Oh wait, sorry; bad back…

    Take care you kids!

  4. Dinosaur that I am, I still subscribe to a daily newspaper delivered to my doorstep in the dead of night. I think my local newspaper (“The Concord Monitor”) is better than most at not having shrunk the comics to ridiculously small sizes. But even so, I appreciate having the on-line version (and your comments) so I can see all the visual bon mots embedded in your art work, that are otherwise impossible to see in the typical newspaper print.

    • Thanks for dropping by, Bill! I’ve come to recognize your name and avatar in the comments and I appreciate your dedication!

  5. Fyi: this week’s post, “Pet Shop Shenanigans”, doesn’t show up on the blog’s list of recent entries. Afaik, the only way it can be reached from the site itself is by going to the supposed latest post, “Feedbag”, and clicking “Next” at the top. Me, I got here by email subscription. Thought you’d like to know.

  6. Greets Dan,

    Thanks again for the show in So. Pasadena. During your presentation, it was completely obvious to me what you were playing on the tambourine. There was no hesitation on my part to yell out, “Freebird!” Or maybe I was simply showing my age. We must also thank you for reminding us of some Bizarro classics. I used your “One More Theory” cartoon in discussing the evolution of a scientific program, specifically the development of quantum mechanics in the early 1900s.

    And, of course, thanks for staying the hour plus, signing all those autographs, taking pictures with fans, etc. I’m really hoping your book will cheer up my depressed brother who is dealing with time, our biggest mind ^%$#. My wife was very pleased to receive her own personal copy of your psychological based autobiography / coloring book. It has already increased the level of romance in our household, an unexpected benefit.

    Finally, hats off to Olive Oil for coming up to me and chatting away. In short – you are darn lucking to be the partner of such a talented and smart individual. I can see why you two are “eloping” to Mexico. Hopefully there you two will discover physical evidence of the many parallel universes that those physicians have proposed.

    signed, “Bizarro” Scot

    • Enjoyed meeting you and chatting, Dr. Scot! So glad you enjoyed the talk and are enjoying the book. Hope to meet again sometime soon!

      • Yes – since I also enjoy popular libations, next time you roll through So.Cal. make sure you announce another public presentation. I’m sure there are several of us would be happy to “feed the bunny.” Your efforts should be rewarded!

  7. Hi Dan,

    This comment is regarding the Oct. 28 strip with the young Anthony Weiner. Is the strip implying that a child is showing a photo of his genitals to an adult woman? In other words, is a minor sexually exposing himself to an adult? Please help me understand how this is appropriate, when child sexual abuse occurs frequently. Or am I missing something?

    • Sorry you were offended by this cartoon, Andrew, that was certainly not my intention. As I understand it, Mr. Weiner is famous for sending pictures of his underwear to women via Twitter, which is not his genitals but rather the shape they make in his briefs. I realize that distinction probably doesn’t alter your view of this cartoon much, but it is something of a mitigating factor in my mind. If he’d been guilty of child rape or molestation, I would certainly have not made a cartoon about him. Also, since the child (the weaker actor in this equation) is the instigator here and he is not being dominated or even lead on by an adult, I can’t see how it condones or suggests the sexual abuse of a child. I’m not one to believe that alluding to something vaguely inappropriate in a cartoon is tantamount to encouraging damaging behavior towards those who cannot defend themselves, so I don’t see it as inappropriate.

  8. thanks for signing all those autographs, taking pictures with fans, etc. I’m really hoping your book will cheer up my depressed sister who is dealing with time, our biggest mind . its also bring me unexpected benefit as having increased the level of romance between me and my wife

  9. Hello Dan,
    As always, enjoyed the cartoons, thank you!
    I was wondering, would you mind if I got a tattoo of one of your characters (the pipe-smoking K2-bubble blowing glasses wearing dapper dressed flamingo)…?
    Maybe even accompanied by your one-of-a-kind copyright sign?

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