Descent of Man

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(Any cartoon may be embiggenated by clicking any shadow in that image.)

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Patterns.

Wow, what a week, Jazz Pickles. First, let’s discuss today’s Sunday cartoon, shown above. As a residence of the Los Angeles area for the past five years, traffic is always on my mind. This is a place with too many cars, which is why my beloved Olive Oyl (O2) and I ride motorcycles whenever we can. California is the only state where it is legal to ride between lanes and in LA traffic, it is often the only way to get home from the grocery store before tomorrow.

But on a larger scale, the world is a crowded place with far too many humans. It’s a complicated issue; you can’t just say “stop having children,” because a) most people won’t and b) the way our societies are structured, economies begin to crumble when the population becomes old and unable to work and there aren’t enough youth to take their places and keep the wheels of commerce going. So unless we really want to return to a pre-civilization style of living off the land––which only a tiny minority of modern humans even know how to do anymore––we’re stuck. I don’t have a solution for the world, but as for ourselves, O2 and I are moving to a small mountain town in Mexico that hasn’t got a single stop sign or traffic light. Please do not follow us; there are enough people there already. And if Trump wins the election and Americans start pouring over the border in hoards, we’ll have to build a wall.

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Confidence in a job interview is an important thing, so this guy decides to go all in with a truly Trumpian effort. I’m guessing he won’t get the job and I pray Trump doesn’t, either.

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Here’s a very weird take on the cartoon cliche of a mob guy dumping someone into the East River with cement shoes. And why is it always the East River? Why not the Hudson, which is just on the other side of Manhattan?

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More fun with another mob cartoon cliche can be found here.

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Lots of people told me they enjoyed this take on the Little Red Riding Hood fable. When I first wrote it I worried that it might be too lowbrow for my readers, but based on the response I got, I’m thinking most people still enjoy a good butt joke from time to time. Who am I to judge what makes people chuckle?

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This cartoon was the story of the week here at Bizarro Headquarters. As most readers know, I submit these cartoons around four weeks before the publication date. That’s not because I’m always ahead of my deadlines, believe me––it’s because the industry requires it. When I wrote and drew this cartoon in late September, I thought it was a hilarious gag and couldn’t wait to share it with you. What I did not count on, of course, was that Anthony Weiner would be in the headlines again on the same day. It was sheer coincidence, but as a result, the cartoon got a lot more Internet play than it might have otherwise.

The success of this cartoon, however, only barely helped to mitigate my dismay at FBI director Comey’s unprecedented and clearly partisan decision to drag Clinton’s emails back into the headlines. As a reasonable, intelligent person who is not terrified by non-white people, gays, or women in power, I fear for my country’s future should something as stupid as this email story be enough to tip the polls in Trump’s favor on election day.

Readers of my cartoons and this blog usually know where I stand politically and sometimes criticize me for taking sides. But I think that a fundamental aspect of democracy––a system in which everyone gets involved in government by voting––is that everyone should get involved in the process. That means everyone speaks their piece. And in this case, with such a profoundly unqualified, egomaniacal, racist, sexist, compassionless charlatan as Donald Trump standing this close to the most powerful office in the world, everyone needs to speak up. If he gets elected, America will get what it deserves. And it won’t be pretty.

And what will we learn from the email scandal? Nothing. There’s nothing there. No email will be found with the kind of smoking gun that Republicans are hoping for like Clinton saying, “I can’t wait to be president and poison the nation’s water supply so that I can sell the country to China while our citizens are puking!” The most one can say she is guilty of is putting classified information on a private server. Colin Powell did the same thing when he was secretary of state and he was a big, tough, military guy. I don’t think either of them had ill intentions in doing so, I think it was likely a case of a couple of older people not innately understanding computers and the Internet well enough to realize how dangerous it could be, and foolishly opting for convenience. That’s not a crime, but it is foolish, which is likely why no one has admitted that stupidity was the impetus.

One last bit: It’s fun to read someone’s personal emails in a voyeuristic sense and that’s why this is a story at all. That, and the fact that political committees can decide to investigate anyone for anything and they know full well that the investigation is the damning part. It doesn’t matter if anything is ever uncovered or proven, voters are leery of a politician being investigated, whether they deserve it or not.

In the 70s, Nixon ordered a burglary of the offices of the Democratic National Committee to attempt to get private information and gain an unfair political advantage. We know it as “Watergate”. This was widely seen as a criminal act that was beneath the office of the President, and correctly led to the ouster of Nixon and much of his administration. The private emails recently stolen from the Democrats’ computers and published by Wikileaks are the same thing: stolen property in an attempt to gain political advantage. The real story is the theft, because no matter how hard they try, they’ve found nothing condemning in the emails.

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My last cartoon of the week takes a shot at “preppers”. I think pretty much everyone who is not a prepper can agree that those people are nuts.

Thanks for reading, Jazz Pickles. If you think my cartoons and ideas are worthy of your support, please consider making a donation or becoming a monthly supporter of Bizarro. Most people see my work for free online and newspaper revenues are shrinking, so your support is much appreciated. You can look into doing that here.

Want some Bizarro greeting cards for whatever? Find them here!

Great gift ideas:

My new art book, inspired and inspiring for all ages.  (Only $6)

A nice, archival, color print of any Bizarro cartoon by going to Bizarro.com, using the CALENDAR link below the cartoon to pull up an image you want a print of, then hitting the BUY PRINTS link below the cartoon. ($30 to $100)

Larger, nicer, limited-edition, signed and numbered, museum-quality, framed prints of some of my favorite Bizarro cartoons… ( $200)

…and some framed original Bizarro art from that same site. ($1000)

36 thoughts on “Descent of Man

  1. Amazing stuff! And to think your editorial board hasn’t come out for one or other of the presidential candidates is a miracle of restraint! Now where’s that tip jar…

  2. “Too much traffic” is a nice reference to “The Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” where some people not only thought it was a bad idea to come down from the trees, but coming out of the seas was a bad idea as well.

  3. Dan…I LOVE your political commentary. Most public figures who aren’t politicians or broadcast media personalities don’t have the guts to speak their mind. This is coming from a career military officer who retired with 25 years of honorable service. My wife says she found the only Army officer in captivity that is a Democrat :)

    • Thanks so much, David. It always surprises me when people complain about people like me airing their political views. That’s what freedom of speech is all about, for god’s sake! :^}

    • This was my favorite too, probably because about ten years ago I wrote the centralized password maintenance program for the university, and of course it has almost that exact language. The program is still in use today, and oh how I wish I could include this cartoon on that web page. But somehow I think the administration would frown on that.

  4. Hey Dan, loved the comics as usual. Just a point of anal retentive clarification, Nixon didn’t fall because of the break-in, he fell because of the subsequent coverup. Same thing with HRC. If she ultimately falls (which I doubt) it won’t be because of the emails, it will be because of the attempt to hide everything by destroying evidence and lying about it to the FBI and congress. That’s what got Martha Stewart put away. Whichever candidate gets elected it will be what we deserve. You’d think we could have done better.

  5. I second (or third) the praise for the coloring book – It’s just beautiful (and quite inexpensive – I bought two!).
    As for the Descent of Man cartoon – We’re ALL Devo!

  6. All of you Killary shills thought that Trump was stupid for saying that Mexico would pay for the wall. Now, that claim seems quite prescient. When Trump is elected, which he will be as long as riggers aren’t allowed to affect the outcome, Mexico will gladly build a wall to prevent more libtard flight south.

    I hope you enjoy your new life and all of the taco trucks. Why isn’t jumping refried beans a thing?

    • It should be clear, especially in this venue, that most of my previous reply should be taken with more than a few grains of potassium chloride. After re-reading to make sure the adequate level of /s was evident in order to prevent ninnyism, I realized yet another line of comedic Au that might ensure your poverty.

      The noun “rigger” was commonly used as short-hand for “parachute rigger” when I was active in the US Marine Corps. I suspect that the same is true to this day, despite the similarity to a very hateful word. Hair Drumpf has already predicted that his loss must be due to “rigged” elections. I find it quite amusing, but not quite laugh out loud funny, to think of those that pack parachutes having an influence in the US Presidential election. Sadly, I have not yet been able to publish my exquisite stick figures as simple cartoons in my local newspaper. Can you believe they wanted me to pay them for the privilege of reproducing my art while calling it an “advertisement”?

      However, if a talented soul like you were to take up the case, and if you thought it would resonate with your audience, I wouldn’t mind forgiving the standard 80% of revenue generated from your scribbling that I’d normally expect. I consider myself to be a philanthropist above all else, and I will gladly deprive myself of a few packs of ramen if it means that we avoid WW3 for another four years.

    • Thanks! If you’d like to submit ideas you can do so here or send me a private message on my Facebook page. Fair warning: I’m very picky and don’t use other people’s ideas very often, though. :^}

  7. ” . . . Comey’s unprecedented and clearly partisan decision . . . .”
    Poor Comey: accused of partisanship by both conservatives and liberals.
    Best laugh I had all week.

    • His actions were unprecedented both in his editorial comments about the phony scandal back when he announced there was nothing there that warranted prosecution, and also when he unnecessarily brought it up again days before an election. Historically, politicians on both sides of the aisle have agreed that this kind of behavior should be avoided at all costs because it undermines our democracy with cheap tricks. This is a phony scandal that was invented to damage the chances of a woman getting into office. It is no coincidence that the first time a woman gets close to the presidency, her opponent is the most misogynistic, chest-beating, alpha male one could imagine.

  8. Hi, Dan. Long time fan, lapsed commentator. You may remember a picture I commissioned from Rina Piccolo of Tina getting caught coming out of a shower that I passed along to you.

    Are you still asking for original puns for Sunday pages? How about this? A man looking up to clouds with (hints of) faces, and he thinks to himself, “Don’t know why… the clouds smirk when I pass by…” and the caption reads, “Smarmy Weather.”

    I hadda try. If you choose to use, ‘Neil R’ can be my credit.

    • Welcome back, Neil. You’ve been missed! I haven’t done a Sunday Punnies in quite a while but I’ll keep your idea on file in case I revive it. :^}

  9. While poking around your site, I was sooo pleased when I discovered a collection of Bizarro cartoons are available as Christmas cards!

    I was even more pleased when they arrived in pristine condition only 3 days after ordering!

    Just imagining my friends, all three or four of them, receiving Bizarro Christmas cards, well, I’m laughing out loud.

    Thanks again for taking care of us Jazz Pickles!

    Lou

  10. Ahaha. It looks really funny and vitally. It’s very ironic and I think that such comics are brilliant! They make my day greater whatever happens. So, I want to say thank you and wish you to keep your comics charm and good humor.
    Good luck!

    • I like Larson’s work but I’ve never considered him a hero. He’s only a few years older than I am and I started cartooning before I had seen his work. My biggest influence was a cartoonist named B. Kliban. Judging by Larson’s drawing and humor style, I’d say Kliban was a huge influence on him, too, but that’s just my best guess.

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