Houseguests

(Find yourself wanting more embiggenation out of any of these cartoons? This desire can be satisfied by the mere clickage of the images.)

Happy holidays and other things, Jazz Pickles! I hope you’re having (or have had) a lovely holiday month and that the good times will continue to roll into the new year. As a special holiday treat, I’ve put some of my favorite Bizarro holiday cartoons of the past behind the blue links in this post, so be sure to click those and claim your BONUS CHUCKLES––you’ve earned them! (Don’t ask me how you’ve earned them. I’m only pretending to know you.) Let’s start with this mash-up of competing mythologies.


Bizarro is brought to you today by Holiday Heartbreak.

Have you ever noticed how much people resemble apes? Well, there’s a good reason for that. Scientists and other people who are way smarter than you or I have been insisting for over a century now that human beings are actually closely, biologically, genetically linked to apes. It’s not true, of course, and is merely another liberal hoax like climate change and Trump’s disdain for the working class, but if you tell school children long enough that they are related to monkeys, they start acting like it. No surprise there!

This holiday season, artisanal goods are a very popular gift item in the U.S.  I think it is because people are tired of mass-produced and marketed stuff that was made in China by blind orphan puppies, and yearn for something hand-made by a single person. (Not that all artisans are unmarried.) I think another reason people like artisanal goods is because the last four letters spells “anal”.

If you want to get someone a perfect gift, though, I stand behind this suggestion.

Some piscine psychologists say that when fish lie to their young about the existence Santa Cod, it erodes their trust and, therefore, their relationship. This can lead to problems later when the young fish is enticed by others in their school to engage in dangerous behavior like biting into sparkly, rubber worms dancing on a bit of fishing line just below the surface.

If you’re going to experiment with a surreal weight loss technique, the holidays is a terrific time to do it because it is a time of year when many of us gain a little extra weight. But another school of thought holds that a person heading into 2017 in a mere six days should hang onto that extra weight because there’s a damn good chance that the coming year will present multiple situations that will put you off your food for any number of days or weeks. Those few extra pounds might save you from physical collapse.

The family in this cartoon is using the holiday to discuss some of those possible scenarios.

Remember waaaaaaay back about a month ago when Wells Fargo Bank was in the news for cheating millions of their customers? No? I don’t blame you. There are so many incidences of corporate malfeasance in the modern world that it’s pretty hard to remember them all. That’s all going to end next year as our new president “drains the swamp” and replaces it with muddy, murky water filled with crocodiles, alligators, mosquitoes and poisonous snakes. Yay!

One category of things that takes me months to get out of my head, however, is represented in this cartoon from 2007.

Lots of readers enjoyed this take on Cannabis Claus (not to be confused with Santa Cod, mentioned above.) Many suggested what music he might be listening to and the two most popular suggestions were Pink Floyd and The Grateful Dead. One of my buddies who is a Canadian activist for legal cannabis had similar thoughts and sent me this illegally altered versionThanks, Russell!

But don’t get any ideas about altering my comics and posting them online. I hate it when people do that and it’s also illegal. BUT, when a friend sends me an altered version for my own amusement and then I CHOOSE TO POST IT, that’s legal and fine. I trust you understand the difference. If not, you probably need to smoke some more weed.

Sometimes people find other kinds of drugs helpful during the holidays, too.

In some areas of America––the places where people believe that the stories of the Bible are literally true and historically accurate––children have begun dressing as Bible characters and going door to door on Christmas Eve asking for handouts Halloween style. This was started by parents who don’t let their kids participate in Halloween because they believe that Satan is a real person and that Halloween makes light of evil and therefore puts children in danger of pleasing “the Devil” and perhaps losing their eternal souls accidentally.

I’ve long been bewildered by the logic behind worshipping a supreme being who would allow his supposedly cherished creations to be tortured eternally with fire by accident; as though life were a board game by Milton Bradley and if you forget to draw your card from the stack before rolling the dice, you lose your turn and perhaps the whole game. “Them’s the breaks, kid. Sorry for the eternal agony but you dressed up like a witch when you were seven years old, so it’s out of my hands.”

By the way, everything in the previous two paragraphs is absolutely true except the part about the new trend of kids doing this on Christmas Eve. I made that part up. (But I wouldn’t be surprised if it happens.)

Meanwhile, in the big, bad, coastal, liberal cities, this kind of Christmas is more popular.

That’s it for this special holiday extravaganza edition of the Bizarro blog. I hope you enjoyed it and are having a terrific holiday, regardless of your beliefs or perspective. Have a great week and be nice to people. 

 

 

34 thoughts on “Houseguests

  1. As a member of the working class, I’ve never felt disdain from Trump. But you say he feels that way about me, so I guess it’s true. Maybe we should wait until he’s ACTUALLY president before we start telling folks what he’s doing AS president. You’d do that if Hillary won..

    • A fair point but I think his cabinet picks say it all. Not to mention his entire 50-year career in business & real estate shafting the working the class and favoring the uber wealthy.

    • Not at all. I do two versions for newspapers: a vertical rectangle like the ones you see on this site, and a horizontal, strip-shaped one that some newspapers use because it fits their layout better. I often reverse the strip version from the panel because it works better, as was the case with this cartoon.

  2. I get annoyed by the altered and attribution-removed versions of yours and others’ comics that pop into my feed. I will always post the original with your name and try to shame them but it continues. What’s even worse I think are the ones that try to sell you Calvin and Hobbes shirts and mugs when you know that is all unauthorized.

  3. I now realize you don’t hand letter these. That’s a font you’re using for the speech bubbles. Is it a custom one based on your own design or a commercially available one? Many thanks. Feliz Navidad and Feliz Año Nuevo!

    • It was custom built from my own lettering. I hand lettered them for decades then a friend who designs and builds fonts suggested I get one made, I did, and it’s been an enormous time saver!

  4. Wells Fargo. . . a lump of coal for Christmas. Distant relatives!! Door-to-door solicitations as Christmas characters? This may not work as well as hoped, but why not try it?
    Thanks for the holiday cheer.

  5. We had some “Merry Christmas ” visitors one time. They were dressed in regular clothes and held out bags for candy. My mother was rather perplexed. It never happened again.

  6. Why do religious minds still believe in god, despite the overwhelming evidence that it doesn’t exist? The same reason that scientific minds still believe that sentient life will someday come to it’s senses and we will unite to get off this rock and find our place in the stars.

    Hope is a nasty monster that feeds you lies to keep you warm and happy, and makes you believe that anything that you dream for is possible despite all the evidence to the contrary.

    Humankind was born on this rock and humankind will die on this rock, alone in an uncaring universe because all other sentient life is either long dead or too far to reach/communicate with. Suggesting anything else is just denying the overwhelming amount of proof that we have learned from the study of physics and astronomy.

  7. Your 12/26/16 comic was in bad taste. The phrase “affluent white male “was in my eye uncalled for. What would have been the issue of just putting ” affluent individuals”

    • Sorry to upset you, Tom. My cartoon is an editorial about the fact that the vast majority of affluent people in our society are white males. I don’t see it as an attack on white male individuals as much as it is on a system that heavily favors white males. By the age-old rules of public satire, poking fun at the ruling class is well within normal ethical boundaries.

    • I have no problem with affluent white males. I am one. My cartoon is an editorial comment on the fact that people other than white males are not offered the same opportunity to become affluent in the United States. That’s fact, not racism. You’re entitle to think it is lame and ineffective if you like.

  8. Dan, I assume you voted for Killary. Probably the most corrupt person ever. I take it you never served in the military, and obviously didn’t lose anybody in Benghazi. Google the fate of white water witnesses. Or the witnesses against Bill Clinton for his rape charges. Liberals are pathetic.

    • Since you are the a willing victim of fake news, Robert, there’s nothing I can tell you that you would believe. Fox News has convinced the intellectually challenged that facts are subjective and that mainstream news sources cannot be trusted. Meanwhile, the least trustworthy mainstream news source is Fox.

      Enjoy your belief that a pack of billionaires who’ve spent their careers filling their bank accounts at other people’s expense give a flying fuck about the working class. You’re going to richly deserve what you get from this.

  9. Love your cartoon of January 6. Subtle and effective. Pure genius. Wondering if you accept suggestions or ideas for cartoons? I may have one you might like. Thanks for brightening my day. Always look forward to your strip.

    • Glad you enjoyed it, Kent. I enjoy readers’ ideas for cartoons and sometimes will use them. Feel free to submit here and know that I’ll read it, though I likely won’t post it in case I decide to use it. Thanks!

  10. Your sense of humor kills me! As another affluent, white male, I couldn’t agree with you more. “Cartoon wok”, That’s a great metaphor! Babies in the overhead compartments of planes? Brilliant! My jaw dropped when you dropped that very appropriate F-bomb. I don’t recall you ever writing it before.

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