Lettuce Pray


(For those who are curious about the emgiggenation arts, click any image.)

At this writing we are two days away from celebrating what may be America’s last birthday and that’s the reason for this patriotic cartoon. It might not seem patriotic at first, but consider this:

Scientific consensuses are rare but recent polls have shown that the overwhelming majority of science professionals agree that large-scale head transplant programs are America’s best hope of ever returning to something remotely resembling sanity. Accordingly, for the sake of our democracy,  I support experimental efforts like the one above. The sooner we perfect these procedures, the sooner we’ll get out of this nightmare.

On the topic of sanity, there are people who believe that the cure for gun violence in America is more guns in America. This opinion, in my opinion, does not even belong in the same sentence as a word like “sanity”.

My further thoughts on this cartoon include this one about how disgusted I am that our nation is being represented by a self-avowed molester of women.

Kvetch? No thanks, I just did.

A reader asked me via FB message last week, “How many people are not going to understand this cartoon?”

How could anyone know the answer to that?

No, this cartoon is not making fun of illiterate or blind people or non english speakers, it is making fun of any person foolish enough to create and pay for an advertisement such as the one pictured. Please learn the difference.

A lot has been written about the future of warfare and crime being not on the streets but on the Web, and it spawned this idea about those plastic wrist things. Russia was the obvious choice for being behind it, of course, because they are an honorary member of Trump’s cabinet and we all know how much the Orange Menace would love to be able to control a nation of slaves through their watchamacallit bracelets. Don’t laugh, this will very probably happen.

I got a fair amount of hate mail from this cartoon, but all of it was pretty much the same, boring stuff along the lines of, “I don’t read the funny pages to hear about politics. Keep your political views to yourself.”  I’m happy to say, however, that I got FAAAR more love mail over this cartoon, so to those of you Jazz Pickles who’ve commented in support and continue to encourage me to keep punching, my heartfelt thanks.

When you’ve finished contemplating Malcolm and his tiny ski lift, have a look at the info below and please consider supporting my efforts here at Rancho Bizarro. Thanks for joining me today, Jazz Pickles.


53 thoughts on “Lettuce Pray

  1. getting ahead of things …

    A woman is in the delivery room in labor. One final push and the baby comes out. Above the baby’s pitiful first cries, she hears the horrified gasps of the doctor and shrieks of the nurses. The baby is rushed away before she can see it. Later, a doctor comes in and says, “I’m afraid there’s a…problem with your new son. It seems he was born without a body.”

    She stammers, “You mean…” “Yes,” the doctor says, “he’s just a head. But, on the bright side, he’s a perfectly healthy and normal head.”

    The years pass by, and the mother takes to putting her son (now a teenaged head) on a table upstairs near the window so he can look out at the other children playing. One day, the phone rings. It’s the hospital. A surgeon informs the woman that there has been a horrible accident, and a young man has been completely decapitated. There is a good chance that her son’s head can be attached to the victim’s body! She drops the phone, runs upstairs to where her son has rested most of his life and says, “Son! I have the most wonderful suprise for you!”

    The kid looks up at her and replies, “I hope it’s not another hat.”

  2. I read you in my daily paper. Don’t always love your cartoons–but the alien one is my favorite of the YEAR. Keep punching–perhaps you too can become a tweet target LOL

    • I spent some time trying to read that in print, because I knew there was intent, but I could not decipher it. I’m grateful for the additional embiggenating capabilities of phones.

    • Indeed. Expect a Kickstarter campaign any day now to produce this very thing. Dan, I read your work in my daily newspaper but I really appreciate the on-line postings. As is often the case, with the subway gag I could not read the text on the book shaped smartphone case in the Sunday newspaper version. So when I view your cartoons on-line, I often find some delicious detail I could not see in my 16th century delivery channel.

      • Happy to hear it, Bill. I like to offer several levels of comedy to my readers and it is good to hear that at least one is taking full advantage!

  3. I really like Malcolm and his mountainous molehill. I dig how committed he is to the endeavor – very funny visual that gets to the truth of the matter!

  4. I like the head transplant idea. I think even just replacing some heads with cabbages will already be a big step forward. And I love the container for “icky stuff” in that cartoon.

    I find it interesting that some people say they don’t read the cartoons for politics. With me, I tend to follow the political news for laughs, and read cartoons to work out what is actually going on. That’s what cartoons are for; politics has long been among the most productive sources of inspiration for cartoonists.

  5. You are really a sick puppy. Guess that’s why I love your cartoons so much.
    I’ve got the same sense of humor. Keep ’em coming.

  6. Try as I might it’s getting more and more difficult to find anything funny (as in “funny ha-ha” not “funny weirdo”) about the current president and his cronies in the White House. I still find laughter (even out loud) in your cartoons. Keep ’em coming! PLEASE!

  7. I volunteered for an adult literacy organization for a couple of years and yeah, advertising is a problem. However we did use some print ads, because while the target population is unlikely to access it, people in their lives are. Anyway, in North America you are not as likely to find people who are totally illiterate, mostly it’s the functional illiteracy of reading at a first or second grade level.

    Keeping it political (’cause, hey, why not?), there’s been some speculation that the current American president is among this group. Some of the arguments I’ve seen for this are pretty persuasive. I’ve seen a couple of video clips of “stall, stall, deflect, and finally fall back on ‘I haven’t got my glasses'” that make me go “hmmmm”. Lots of functionally illiterate adults, especially those who are successful in life, are very good at faking it.

      • When I taught 9th grade English between 1969 and 1978, I had a colorful bumper sticker hanging above the green board (rather than a blackboard) in the front of my classroom that read, “ILLITERATE? WRITE NOW FOR FREE HELP!”

        I never said anything about it nor called anyone’s attention to it, but periodically throughout the school year, students from one of my five classes would come to me before, after, or during class and confided in me that he/she “Just ‘got’ that joke.” They were always very proud of themselves and realized that they had “joined” a club.

    • I have an ex- in-law that receives SSDI for not being able to read. I did not know that was possible until recently.

  8. One minor correction: “we all know how much the Orange Menace love to be able to control . . .” should be “loveS to control . . . ”


    • Doh! Thanks for the correction, I always appreciate it. I’ll go back down to the cellar and fix that right now.

  9. The time has come,” the walrus said,
    “To talk of other things
    Of shoes and ships and ceiling wax
    Of cabagges and kings
    And while the see is boiling hot
    And wheather pigs have wings
    Kaloo Kalay no work today
    Were cabbages and kings”

    Punch on!

  10. I always love your cartoons and have been reading them since I was little, i am so glad to see a great cartoonist fight for the cause in your way!!! Love the way your taking a stand keep it up!! 💓💕

  11. Careful, Dan. You keep pushing the Orange Menace, he’ll fall over. No, wait, I mean, he’ll tweet you being beat up in a WWF video. (Or, you could save him the effort of learning to spell “DP” by officially changing your initials to “CNN” right now.)

  12. Hey Dan,

    Is the fishtail a new ‘symbol’ to be searched for in your comics now? I saw 2 of them in different panels in this week’s blog (both used very humorously).

  13. United Airlines still has an instruction card about sitting by an emergency exit that reads something along the lines of, “If you can’t read this card, please do not sit here.” Always cracks me up.

    As for your haters who want you to stay out of politics, that’s why we got Cheeto in charge: too many people stayed out of politics. So now, nevertheless, we punch on.

    • Thanks so much, John. All of us at Rancho Bizarro will bow our heads for a moment of silence in your honor!

  14. Loved all of these, the aliens, the skilift, kvetching dog. But the best gag is the book shaped smartphone case which I found hilarious. That was definitely a 2 for 1 worth embiggening. And I think an earlier poster is right– your goal should be to troll the presidential troll until he makes a fool of himself at you. If there’s one thing he’s taught us, unfortunately, it is that publicity is more important than good publicity. Go for it!

  15. Is there a caption for the giant lettuce cartoon? I’m trying to write my own Jack-&-the-Beanstalk-gone-wrong take, but my attempts are not making me laugh.

    • Indeed. That title panel was built from an old Sunday comic in which the mom says to the boy, “I don’t care what happened to the magic beans that your friend, Jack bought. You got ripped off.” It’s not a knee-slapper, but it’s okay.

  16. Re the illiteracy advert: I remember seeing similar ads in matchbook covers back in the day. The latest ad that has me scratching my head is a pharmaceutical ad on TV directed at people who are blind. ???

  17. I somehow missed this. .It was a busy LONG weekend. Nice self portrait on the bus… That is you, isn’t it?
    Thanks for making us laugh Dan, it’s a sorry state of affairs in DC.

    • You’re welcome! That’s not a self portrait of me on the bus, by the way. Not sure which one you thought was me but none of them match. :^}

  18. I liked the dramatic tension in the first comic – head-of-lettuce guy has to stay away from rabbits, but who do we see lurking in the next bed but the biggest baddest pink bunny of all time! Cue the scary music!

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