Flaccid Headwear


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Bizarro is brought to you today by Smart Hat.

When I was growing up in the late 1900s, my parents didn’t believe in spending the extra money to get the name-brand fashion trends my sisters and I needed if we hoped to have any social traction at school. This taught us important lessons such as: Kids in Levis® and Dingo® boots are not always kind to kids in Montgomery Ward jeans and “Dango” boots from Larry’s shoe barn. In the cartoon above, it’s no mystery which style of balloon hat I would have been wearing around the park.

We’ve come to take gavels in courtrooms for granted but as I was drawing this cartoon, I began to wonder about the history behind it. One could argue that a courtroom is perhaps the one social situation in which it is essential that even the most unruly of persons needs to summon the self-discipline to behave in a civilized manner. If you say or do the wrong thing, you could literally get your ass thrown in jail just for not following the rules of the room. And yet, for gavels to have become standard tools of the trade there must have been enough times that a courtroom got crazy enough that judges needed to bang a hammer on a table to get people’s attention and settle them down. I think this is a testament to the fact that for all our high and mighty opinions of ourselves, when things aren’t going our way we’re little better than a pack of coyotes.

On the positive side, I’m happy that courts have kept the traditional method of calling order to the room instead of using more modern technology like an air horn or a Supersoaker.

I’ll admit this Batman joke may not be the cleverest cartoon I have ever published. But something about a couple of Civil War-era crime fighters trotting out of their secret hideaway cave on a horse amused me so here we are. Also, the word “bathorse” is funny because your brain wants to pronounce the “th” like a “th,” but that would make it an “orse” you use in the bath.

I’m the kind of guy who does not carry a purse, so I like a lot of pockets. The downside of a multi-pocketed ensemble, however, is that I find myself constantly searching for various accoutrements like my keys, wallet, cell phone, handkerchief, lip balm, back scratcher, piñata bat, linoleum knife, surgical adhesive, etc. The creepy man in the cartoon above has found a solution for his own dilemma, but I carry far more things than does he so I must keep searching.

On a side note, I tried carrying a purse for a couple of years but I kept leaving it places. I got tired of having to replace my I.D. and cell phone and was spending a fortune on surgical adhesive so I gave it up.

I’ve always been an avid dog lover and have taught several to drive. The worst driver among them was a rescued pit bull who was too emotionally sensitive to deal with drivers who were a bit aggressive. If she got cut off in traffic, she would whimper and climb into the back seat, forcing me to grab the wheel to avoid an accident. Virtually all of the dogs I’ve driven with have the problem of circling several times before parking and some stop regularly to sniff the tailpipes of other cars, which can be frustrating if you’re in a hurry. I’ve since given up letting my dogs drive.

I tried for a while to teach my cats to drive but they are utterly uninterested in it unless you can convince them that driving is the one thing you absolutely do not want them to do.

If you’re one of those people who buy gifts and/or support the arts, please consider some of these fine products:

Bizarro greeting cards, T-shirts and stuff from my store, archival color prints of any Bizarro cartoon from this website ($25 and  up), my adult coloring book with the most elaborate and cool art of any coloring book on the market ($6!), super nice color prints of some of my favorite Bizarro cartoons from an L.A. art gallery (larger, limited edition, signed and numbered prints which is why they are more expensive than the ones through this site.)

This cartoon was a collaboration with my good friend, Cliff Harris The King Of Wordplay. Almost everyone attempts puns and wordplay but it is my experience that very few people can come up with ones that are truly surprising and therefore laugh-inducing. Cliff is a master. Here are a couple of my faves of Cliff’s from over the years…Chinese Restaurant and Pick Up Line. Cliff wrote a very fun book of dirty wordplay which would make a lovely gift and which you can buy on Amazon if you have money left over after buying some of my stuff.

Here’s a fun, last thing: Some of my favorite family members came down to Mexico for Day of the Dead this year. We all decked out and haunted the streets of our town in grand fashion, along with thousands of other folks in what is a city-wide party that lasts for days. MUCH fun was had. From left to right: Me, Krelspeth, Cornelius Red, Krapuzar, Olive Oyl. (Amazing Photo by Krapuzar’s husband, Don Gooch.)


41 thoughts on “Flaccid Headwear

  1. Your flaccid balloon maker reminds me of B Kliban.

    Loving your family Day of the Dead photo. Think I’ll ditch Hallowe’en for the Day of the Dead instead. Did you each do your own make-up or was one person “in charge”? (Kudos in either case!)

    PS I also initially read/ said in my head bath – orse. My mind seems to have a mind of its own….

    • My daughters did my makeup and their own, Olive Oyl and my son-in-law paid some local artists to do theirs. There are hundreds of them on the streets doing makeup for a fairly small fee.

  2. I use a hip-pack (which is also called a fanny pack, though it’s not worn on the fanny). They’ve recently come back in style. So I don’t need cargo pants.
    And I still have to sort through it to find what I’m looking for.

    • I remember when camping vests were a fashion item. Actually I yearn for them to come back as a fashion item. One can never have too many pockets.

    • I feel compelled to tell you that “fanny” in England means vagina and in most places is still considered quite a rude word.
      I, uh, learned this the hard way….

  3. [So now we have to know math to post. (Well, we don’t want to hear from idiots, I suppose.) And I’m sure robots would do it just as well. So maybe it could ask how many symbols were in the Sunday comic.]

    • King Features had some hacker problems recently and updated their security. Now I have to jump through hoops to get to my own site. I’m guessing this kind of thing will get worse and worse until the Internet becomes useless. It’s what we humans do. We ruin things.

      • Dan, Dan, Dan, most humans don’t ruin things, it’s the politicians and the corporations who ruin it when a few humans f**k up. It’s called a “nanny state,” or a democracy, which is highly overrated…
        was going to rant about Duterte-Trump but deleted it..

  4. One criticism of the “Bathorse” cartoon… to be consistent with his 20th/21st Century vehicles, the horse should’ve been black. (Even when his outfit was mostly light grey, the batmobile was black)

  5. Since he was originally called “Bat-Man”, I suppose you could have used “Bat-Horse” (as opposed to “Bat-Mule” or “Bat-Ass” [“Whoa, Bat-Man, that’s one Bat-Ass ride!”])

    The non-cargo pants wearing scenario must have taken place in a Walmart. I do imagine you’ve had the pleasure of visiting peopleofwalmart.com and enjoying a good guffaw!

    Thanks, Dan, for the amazing laughs!

    • I did an entire Sunday cartoon about the people of Walmart once but King Features talked me out of publish it because they thought it was too cruel and might lose me some clients. :^/

  6. I tried teaching my male dog how to drive but he kept jumping out the window whenever he caught a Wiff of a Female in Heat! And you know how many bitches are in heat down here Dan!

    • Haha. Yes, last month our newish rescue was one of them. It snuck up on us and we had to just endure it until she was finished so we could have her spayed. We had five male dogs hovering (and occasionally fighting) outside our gate for two weeks!

  7. If Batman and Robin had existed in the late 1860’s what might their supersuits look like? A bit different than these, me thinks. Gray woolen, layers, pocket watch, layered cape, and something more like a bowler hat. I’d like to see a super-heroes through time series showing super-suits better adapted to the times they lived in. Supeman with a powdered wig? You betcha.

  8. (1) Come on, now — everyone knows weasels don’t like classical music; they only listen to pop.

    (2) So what happened to the 11/9 cartoon?

    • Shit! I didn’t notice the 11/9 cartoon got omitted from my post until your comment. I’ve had trouble with my site doing things without my consent lately. This is just the latest example. Thanks for the heads-up. I’ll post it now!

  9. I need help finding the 6th symbol in the sweatpants comic… I found the pie, the eye, K2, the flying saucer and the crown…

    Do some of them double count??

    (also thank you for the wonderful entertainment, both the puns and the secret symbols!)

    • Yes, doubles count. In freezer case: eye, pie, pie, alien. In hand basket is K2, on hat is crown. Also, it’s not an exact science. I figure enough of the half-pie is showing to count it whereas the partial alien above the other alien probably doesn’t have enough to count. :^}

  10. When will you be on tour, performing your visual art in real time for the masses?*

    * If money grew on magnolias, I could make you a wealthy man, at least in Confederate dollars; but they don’t, and as you and Dylan note, the times keep a-changin’

    • Good to hear from you, Foye! Sorry to say I’m doing much of the stage thing anymore. I live in central Mexico these days and want less to do with the U.S. all the time. I’m sure you know where I’m coming from on that score.

      Hope you and yours are well and having a great TGiving!

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