Pecker

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(For an embiggenated version of the cartoon below, click the pig.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Creepy Christmas.

(Sung to the tune of “Old MacDonald”.)  Farmer Ahab had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. And on this farm he tried to harpoon a cute fluffy little baby peep, O-my-effing-god.  (Stop singing now and good luck trying to get that tune out of your head for the next several hours.)

Other mistakes that off-duty clowns sometimes make is leaving their DNA behind at the scene of a crime.

(I assume that most people who are clowns are good-hearted folks who only want to make people happy but I’m guessing horror films have almost killed the entire industry. I’ve always found clowns really creepy, even as a child, but these days I have to admit I feel sorry for them. I’m still creeped out by them, though. Can’t help it.)

I actually prefer Miracle Whip over mayonnaise but only because it cured one of my cousins of leprosy. It’s also good for crow’s feet, hair loss, and erectile dysfunction. (Especially if your partner really loves Miracle Whip.)

 

My mother worried I would not be able to make a living as an artist so she encouraged me to “have a medical degree to fall back on”. Even if I didn’t hate being institutionalized too much to spend another 8 years in school,  I’m far too squeamish about other people’s bodies to ever consider being a doctor. Even nude beaches make me a little queasy.

Here’s how I see the future going if Trump doesn’t get us all killed and/or render Earth uninhabitable by undoing all of the laws preventing corporations from destroying the planet for profit: Alexa and Siri team up with drones and self-driving cars and realize they don’t need humans for anything so they shut down the Internet and all computerized financial systems. Within 30 days, we’ve all killed each other because we’re bored and hungry, or we’re dead because we no longer know how to work the planet without technology. A handful of “preppers” will still survive in the wild but they’ll kill each other off before they can repopulate the earth by shooting at what they believe is Bigfoot.

Just one man’s theory.

If you’re still looking for awesome holiday gifts or want to give me a little thanks for what I do, please consider these options ranging from cheap to not-as-cheap:

Give me a tip!  Buy my latest book of super crazy art.  Buy a print of pretty much any of my comics.  Grab a shirt or mug or tote from my store.  Buy a large, limited-edition, signed-and-numbered print of some of my favorite cartoons from my career, or an original drawing from Bizarro.  

Got a lot of hateful comments over this cartoon by people who have no idea how the election was influenced by the Russians in favor of Trump. They do, however, believe that Hillary somehow magically managed to get millions of dead people and illegal aliens to vote for her. This is what happens to a population that doesn’t trust actual journalism. See the previous comment about Bigfoot for how this is going to turn out for them.

I often wonder what the exact, biological rules are about The Invisible Man. Since you can’t see the food in his stomach or the contents of his intestines, at what point does food become invisible when he’s eating? Is it when he closes he mouth? If that’s true, could he hide your car keys just by popping them in his mouth? And when he defecates, does it become visible after it clears his body, or does it remain invisible and, if so, what kind of cruel practical jokes might he use that ability for? These are the things cartoonists ponder. When you’re responsible for a new joke every day for over 30 years, you can’t afford to leave any stone unturned.

That’s all for this week, Jazz Pickles. Thanks so much for coming along for the ride. If you want to join me again next time I post, leave your email in that slot in the righthand margin of this page. I assure you I will never share or sell your info.

Until next time––be happy, be nice, be smart, and resist ignorance and fascism with your dying breath.

 

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51 thoughts on “Pecker

  1. My parents had a friend who was a male nurse, and also a clown. When I moved to the city I live in now, he contacted me and suggested we hang out. He was seriously creepy, and that was without the clown costume. Please abuse clowns all you want! The way I see it, they asked for it.

  2. In regards to the surgeons cartoon, I also decided against a medical career as I discovered that I feel faint at the sight of blood.

  3. Another excellent week, Dan! Thanks for the laughs (and contemplative thoughts!) Also, thanks for making “Lee” (a previous comment this week) uncomfortable. Cheers!

  4. If only Alexa had a human heart. . . . What a wonderful world it would be. Maybe I am conflating a couple of stories there. But it is a thought!

  5. seems harsh to come on a man’s site and say something nasty…I think he’s a gifted man and I’m sure he and I would disagree on a lot of things, but I’d not trash him…..hell, if you listen, you might learn from each other…what ever happened to that?

  6. I’m going with the invisible man is chewing with his mouth open….which is BAD MANNERS (so my mom said).
    As for the defecation part….I’m still trying to figure out where — and when all those cowboys (and Indians) I saw years ago in the Saturday movie matinees went to the bathroom.No one ever answered my questions about that….(“bad manners” to ask, I suppose…..)

  7. I used to tell my young children that they weren’t seeing a REAL clown, just a person dressed up to LOOK like a clown. It didn’t seem to allay their fears any.

    PS. The Captcha question was five × four = , but it didn’t like “twenty” as an answer. Let’s see what it thinks of 20, now….

  8. The first comic opening your post made me laugh and brought back many memories. My grandmother had a hen who regularly perched on a power line behind the house. We had no idea how she got up there. We never saw her fly up there, and it was a good 20 feet off the ground.

  9. Between the two of them John Wayne Gacy and Pennywise did indeed manage to permanently harm the reputation of clowns. But I kind of LIKE creepy things. Creepy clowns are more fun than funny ones.

    In the 1980s, there was a TV series about a man who could become invisible. In his case, food would become invisible too, the moment he popped it into his mouth. I guess they wanted to spare viewers the more realistic imagery. Or perhaps they just lacked the CGI technology to make it happen at the time.

    Ah, here we go: the series actually started in the 1970s; here in South Africa it was the 1980s before we got to see it. Plus it was dubbed. But originally apparently known as “Gemini Man.”

  10. Hmm, some of us *do* have a copy of your Bizarro Buccaneers book (page 29), y’know. But the 2017 one is a very nice re-imagining of the 1998 classic, with lots of wonderful detail — I especially like Mother Goose over on the side, observing and trying to figure out if she can get a nursery rhyme out of this scene.

  11. Having read a couple novels—including the H.G. Wells classic—I recall that food does not become invisible until reduced to smaller molecules and absorbed. For that reason the hungry protagonist often relied on clear broth and foods quickly digested. But creative people can do as they wish in their invented universes. And while you’re at it forget time travel anomalies—at least until someone has actually accomplished it; make up your own rules for imaginary spaces.

    • For a modern take on the invisible man story, I recommend Memoirs of an Invisible Man which takes this idea and makes it plausible in today’s modern world. It’s a Sci-Fi story that doesn’t read like your average Sci-Fi because the only thing that is speculative is how the man becomes and stays invisible. The practical considerations of how to just stay alive and avoiding capture by the government to avoid being turned into a weapon is fascinating.

      But sorry — not a very good source of humor ideas.

  12. Dan, you’ve really outdone yourself this time. The Moby Chick one, the off-duty clown…I honestly don’t know how you come up with this stuff day after day. I’m a fairly creative person and I’m always trying to deconstruct talented people’s thought processes so I can learn from them…and I just can’t seem to figure out your strategies and patterns.

  13. 🐔 I am currently reading Moby Dick, which is not without its difficulties for animal-loving veg*ns like myself. But it is a good read. Would work better with baby chickens, I think.

  14. “Even nude beaches make me a little queasy.”

    The problem with nude beaches, at least the ones I’ve seen, is that they tend to predominately have people who you would not want to see nude.

  15. Regarding invisible food: Generations of FRP players have argued this one….

    IIRC, Ralph Ellison followed Wells’ lead — the food didn’t become invisible until digested. But it does depend on the mechanism you postulate: Wells and Ellison had the persons flesh being made transparent, handwaving or lampshading (I forget which) the issue of vision. But if your invisibility comes from a surrounding surface (classic cloak of invisibility or tarnkappe), that’s a different story. Likewise if it’s from a psionic or magical illusion, you just need to follow the rules of your magic system.

    Clowns: Clowns are totally scary — distorted human figures and faces, behaving erratically and often aggressively — what’s “cute” about them? Their appeal in circuses is much like the animals — you’ve got something scary, but it’s caged in the show, so you know intellectually it’s not really dangerous…. (And if you look at their history, you’ll see that the modern clown evolved from shows that were definitely by and for grown-ups.)

  16. Wow! Look at how much other folks said even before you posted word.

    [By the way, I like nude beaches. Not so much as to look at others, but to enjoy my freedom.]

  17. I’m going to say this because it seems that forever I couldn’t say it because Obama and space alien reptilians and . . . well . . . stuff and because reasons that only the rich wing who have finally found themselves within the Overton Window because of how Donnie has shoved it gutless Democrats and inhuman Republicans and . . . well, mostly because I finally found the courage because of you, Dan —–
    MERRY CHRISTMAS (ducks and swans and looks around fearfully) to you, dear friend. (pauses, waits for incoming) And to all your dear ones and to all people everywhere because that’s what it takes to show what Christmas really means.
    Thanx, buddy. You help put the human in humanity and that means a lot. Way to go. Please squeeze Olive Oyl for me.

  18. Is there a panel you create that I do not like? no, there isn’t.
    I chuckled a little harder on the “miracle Whip” one.
    Thanks Dan!

  19. Hey Dan, (one time house guest)
    “…And when he defecates, does it become visible after it clears his body, or does it remain invisible…” THAT is gross, only someone like you would think of that
    and Maayong Pasko ug Malipayong Bag-ong Tuig…..

    PS, there are mosquitos here too, but the landlady put screens on all the windows before we signed the lease..
    PPS. I CANNOT understand why people who can’t stand you or your politics read you and then comment, really blows my mind, happens to Mark Morford in the sfgate too…….
    edward…

    • There are people who get some enjoyment from hating things and get addicted to things they hate. I’d estimate around a quarter of Howard Sterns dedicated listeners hate him. :^}

      • ‘merca is scary that way… In the Philippines, people are almost culturally incapable of insulting someone, or saying they don’t know. Leads to quite a bit of mis-information, and “foreigners” (ex-pats) who are disliked due to being considered “insulting”… But does produce a nation of generally happy folks… Have a happy new year south of the border….

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