Hot Crackers


(Embiggenation is within your reach with a simple click on the parrot’s cloaca.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Maybe If Your Business Is Pimping.

Olive Oyl and I are not big enough fans of technology to want one of those thingamajigs––whatever you call them––in our house, but we do like to appear to our friends to be “hip” and up-to-date, so I spray painted a tomato juice can black and put it on our coffee table. When our friends come over, I just casually say, “Alexa, take a nap for a few hours and don’t bother us while our visitors are here unless it’s an emergency.” So far no one is the wiser.

If you have a thingamajig, ask Alexa to order you a Jazz Pickle enamel pin pronto. Apart from being aesthetically very attractive, it also achieves two important objectives:

  1. Identifies you as a member of an elite group of highly intelligent, tasteful, and discerning individuals
  2. Looks awesome on your girl scout beret

There are also three other pins currently on offer and you can see them here. Or visit my entire new Bizarro Shop by starting on the home page. Once these pins are sold out, we’ll be replacing them with other designs, so don’t get left behind with a blank space on your sash or beret.

And now, the week in Wayno cartoons:

As a result of our growing understanding of genetics, there are big-brained scientists who are considering the distinct possibility that what we call “free will” is actually an illusion. That is to say that, given your exact genetic makeup, there is only one decision you can and will make under a given set of circumstances and you really don’t have a choice at all; you only think you do. If you throw out your personal beliefs for a moment and consider it objectively, it could absolutely be true and we’d never know it. And if it was true and we could prove it, it would dismantle everything we believe and think we know about religion, law, criminal behavior, personality, success, etc.

I enjoy thinking about this kind of crazy stuff.

They say that vertical stripes make you look thinner than horizontal stripes, which I guess is why prisoners in a jail look thinner than cattle in a corral. (Just think about it awhile before you ask what I meant by that.)

Pro tip for artists: If you ever want to draw a turd, use a #2 pencil. If you want to draw urine, use a six-pack of beer.

If Mom and Pop are devotees of Fox News Channel, they should have no trouble buying into this kid’s bullshit. Most Fox viewers seemed to have no trouble accepting it when they were told that the middle class and poor would be better off if rich people and corporations got a huge tax cut. I guess because rich people are so famous for sharing their good fortune with their employees and those of us who did not get a red carpet invitation to an expensive education and a lucrative career.

In the next scene, he tries to remember whether or not his apartment number is 2B. (Anybody get the reference to a famous 20th-century detective here? If not, Wayno has a link in his blog post today that explains it.)

I like the way that Wayno drew these guys’ eyes. I never trust a person whose irises don’t touch their eyelids on any side. It’s just creepy.

That’s the rundown for this week, Jazz Pickles. Thanks for following me this far through traffic; I hope I didn’t drive too fast. Don’t forget to avail yourself of Wayno’s blog this week and the other handy-dandy links below. Those of us at Rancho Bizarro (Mexico) and Bizarro Studios North (Pittsburgh) thank you from the basements of our hearts.

Wayno: Weekly blogTwitterInstagramWaynoVision

Piraro: Bizarro shop  Bizarro tip jar Signed, numbered, limited edition prints and original cartoon art Piraro Instagram  Twitter Piraro coloring book


40 thoughts on “Hot Crackers

    • Hah, #2, pencils – I just caught the reference. Now I understand the punch line to that old joke: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil. It was funny in Junior High, renamed Middle School since it went into the witness protection program.
      Side note; bet that mathematician stopped chewing his pencils.

  1. it’s not merely genetics, of course. Free will is an illusion because our verbal narrative happens AFTER we make a decision. And that decision is cultural/nurture based at least as much as it comes from genetics.

  2. I thought I got the first gag until you explained it. Alexa is actually a gadget? Never heard of such a thing: I live in a shithole country, where we think the wheel is kind of cool. I thought the parrot was just parroting instructions to some hapless servant who get shunted around all day long.

    As an aside, it looks like an African grey. They are very cute. But people should please not buy them. Lots of them get smuggled. And they can live longer humans, so it’s definitely a longer term commitment than most people are actually willing to make for real. And they are often not happy at all in captivity.

    Now go draw some more cartoons. They brighten up my day every week. :-)

    • I agree about not having parrots as pets. They live a very long time, are not happy in captivity regardless of how they learn to adapt to life in a box full of mammals (house full of people) and they live a very long time. Much better to admire them in the wild.

      If I may ask, in what “shithole country” do you live?

    • Maybe a subtle reference to Irene Pepperburg’s student Alex, the famous African Grey? Although he’s been dead a few years now, having it be Alexa rather than another device and having an African Grey rather than another type of parrot does suggest it.

  3. The “free will is an illusion” debate is [at least] as old as religion and philosophy. If the god(s) know everything, including the future, then everything is predetermined. If everything non-random has a cause, there again can be no free will, though there can be random behavior that looks like free will.

  4. Re: Four salesmen.
    When people ask me why I no longer listen to FM radio I tell them I was driven from it. I can show them this and stop reciting, “99 DOLLARS DOWN, 99 DOLLAR A MONTH. YOU WON’T BELIEVE YOUR EYES!”

  5. Love the parrot cartoon. We have a bird and were given one of those creepy eavesdroppers as a gift; I can totally imagine the scene you show. I feel like the world will end when some band makes a song called “Alexa, Turn Up The Volume”.

  6. People have been suggesting that free will is an illusion for centuries. Religion, philosophy, and science all (can) give support to that conclusion. The evidence continues to mount, yet the acceptance of the idea has made little progress. Humans, as usual, don’t like to accept some of the things that we know.

  7. I would have loved to buy the 4 enamel pins, and were in the process of doing so along with a t-shirt and a mug, but when I got to the paying part I was notified that the enamel pins couldn’t be purchased from Denmark which is where I live. So I skipped the whole thing. Too bad. How come?
    Best regards

    • Thanks for the note, Jesper, and so sorry for the difficulties. Here’s what’s happening: our shop is new so we’re still figuring out some of the bugs and idiosyncrasies. At first, international shipping seemed simple, then we realized it was absurdly expensive. We’re going to enable it again soon but it will literally almost double the cost of the order and we figure most people won’t end up using it. We’re not making a dime off of shipping or handling––international shipping for things that are not flat pieces of paper are simply outrageously priced and we have to fill out a customs form for each product. It’s kind of a nightmare for a small, family business like ours. (My adult daughter is basically handling all of the shipping, handling and managing of the shop and she also has a fulltime job.)

  8. “I guess because rich people are so famous for sharing their good fortune with their employees and those of us who did not get a red carpet invitation to an expensive education and a lucrative career.”

    Reminds me of one of my favor quotes about jerks like Trump who don’t recognize their own good fortune of a culturally advantaged upbringing; “Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.” (Barry Switzer)

  9. Science can neither prove nor disprove the existence of god(s). It can neither prove nor disprove the existence of free will. Not everything is knowable!

    Science can, of course, show that particular religious beliefs are idiotic.

    The genetics argument is a debate about “nature versus nurture”. Overgeneralizing a bit, the left thinks nature totally determines (as opposed to influences) sexual orientation but is almost a non-factor in determining things like financial success. The right is just as inconsistent.

    Too much politics-based “science” on both sides.

    • Science has found no need for gods of any sort in the present Cosmology. The same with a soul. Everyone talks about it but no proof or missing part that would fit the concept of a soul. So until does it is not spoken of. So the question is moot. One doesn’t waste time disproving so much as proving what is by constant work using the information we find with each test and speak with colleagues. Which may not end with support for your pet hypothesis or belief. Most don’t think that way so they will never be scientists or even amateur one.

      It does come down to evolution and distributions of such traits. (The majority hold some need for such beliefs in religion or philosophy that they can continue living. A few outliers do not and in the end cannot.) Though society can exert tremendous effects on people.

      I look at the free will a mouse has in a laboratory maze.

      We make our own decisions based upon what we know and what we accept and if we follow the constraints in society and our brains. Not an easy answer one can put in a comment section.

      We have limited free will. Conditional on situation.

  10. Love the toons, the t-shirts, coloring books and the pins. Maybe in the next batch of pin designs consider including the eyeball in the spaceship? My daughter said that if she ever got a tattoo that would be the image (a teeny tiny version). Glad you are enjoying your new digs and your new freedom. Sally forth, whoever she is.

  11. Read today’s “Octuplet” cartoon at the local library and neither myself, the security guard or any of the 3 librarians have a clue! what the point of this cartoon is. Congratulations?

    • Circus clowns are known for stuffing lots of themselves into small cars and coming out one at a time to the amazement of the audience. In this case, it is lots of babies stuffed into a single carriage.

  12. Recently the thinking’s been changed to believe that horizontal stripes are more slimming, since now we’ve been trained to look at things side-to-side. The eye follows the unbroken line of a horizontal stripe quite readily. Vertical stripes don’t draw the eye up or downward anymore. Instead, the gaps between them interrupt the eye’s gaze across, which makes the brain think the area must therefore be wider.

    I just ordered some pins, they look awesome. And I vote for the design you used for the “blank space” to be your next T shirt design.

    • Thanks a llama for your purchase, Kalli! If it appeals, send me a pic of yourself with your new pins and I’ll feature it on social media. If you’d rather remain anonymous, that’s fine, of course.

      I’m loving that info about the vertical and horizontal stripes! Hadn’t heard that before.

      I’m sure I’m being daft but I’m not sure what you’re talking about with the “blank space” thing. Please elucidate!

      • You linked to a picture of a wondrous creature adorned with medals and drew a box around a blank space, to illustrate where one might put one of those nifty new pins.

        • Oh, of course! I knew I was being thick. That’s a page from my coloring book, which is only $6 and has twenty-something elaborate illustrations like that. If you like that illustration, you should get the book! (Also: we’re thinking of turning one or more of those pages into a print-all-over shirt. I’m not entirely sure what that means other than what is implied by the name. If/when that happens, I’ll promote it on my social media and this blog, so stay tuned!)

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