Dangerous Crops


(To begin the embiggenation process, click the gimme cap in the cartoon below.)

Bizarro is brought to you today Trump Voodoo Doll.

There was a time when people were romantic about America’s “heartland,” as though it was where good, wholesome, moral, honest folks came from, as opposed to “big city folk”.  But to my mind these days, it seems to represent people who voted for and continue to support a racist White House that openly promises to take benefits away from poor children, the elderly, the disabled, the disadvantaged-in-general, while arresting innocent children who were born in the U.S. and throwing them out of the country because their parents came here out of desperation to make a better life for themselves and their children. (Don’t even try to tell me the immigrant issue is about jobs because there are no facts to back that bullshit up. And if you think it’s not about racism or jobs, it’s about the “rule of law,” let’s audit your taxes for the last ten years and see how law-abiding you are.)

If all of that isn’t enough to dissuade you from visiting The Heartland, consider that not one newspaper in Nebraska carries Bizarro, but all of them carry Marmaduke and Family Circus. There’s a reason they call these places “Flyover States.” Innumerable reasons, actually.

Disclaimer: If you are a decent, compassionate, open-minded person in The Heartland who thinks racism and bigotry have no place in our government, I’m not talking about you.

Disclaimer disclaimer: If you are a decent, compassionate, open-minded person in The Heartland who enjoys Bizarro but also really enjoys Marmaduke and Family Circus, and not in an ironic way, I might still be talking about you.

Hey! What’s my buddy, Wayno been cartooning about this week?…

The thing I like most about The Bible is that you can interpret it to mean anything you want. (Unless you’re what the rest of us call a “religious nut.”)  In this case, Wayno interprets the “serpent” to be a representative of Kellogg’s who is attempting to entice some friendly naked people into losing their souls while also promoting poor spelling.

All these years I’ve been avoiding snakes and it turns out toucans are the devil. And I guess that lump in the front of my throat is an “Adam’s Loop.”

Wayno writes about our week in cartoons every weekend, too, and you’ll find a link to that post at the end of this one. BUT… here’s a short, older post in which he describes the clever name he has given to the specific mechanism behind the Froot Loop joke above.

I hope he carries a really big towel to the gym to wipe off the machines when he’s done melting all over them. When he’s had a really good workout, he rewards himself with a slice of nose cake.

If you’ve not been to my mostly-new shop lately, please have a look. We sell products to help support our cartooning habits as newspapers continue to get smaller and fewer. Below is a poster I designed and illustrated specifically for your home, office, clubhouse, or bunker.

As a kid, I wasn’t particularly afraid of monsters under my bed but as an adult, I always check under my analyst’s couch before I lie down.

Lately, I’ve been indulging myself in what the Interwebs call, “Throwback Thursday.” Surprisingly, it does not involve pictures of fish that people have caught that are too small to eat––that’s called “Here’s a Picture of Me Torturing a Helpless Water Dweller Thursday”. Throwback Thursday is actually about stuff from the past, so below is a cartoon I did in 2003.

This is one of those comics that was based on my own experience during which I was trapped inside a small store in Kansas for 45 minutes while I tried to convince the other customers that the town was not closed, this was simply the back of a sign meant to be read from outside. “Then why ain’t it red?” was the reply.

This is what happens when entire states don’t carry Bizarro. I make mean jokes about them. Sometimes as I fly over them.

It took an embarrassingly long time but we are now finding out that women can do anything that men can do. Unfortunately, they still have to do it at a fraction of what men are paid to do the same job. (Especially white men.)

No, this does not mean we hate men or are ashamed to be men or white or want all white people, especially the men, to be rounded up and shot into outer space. We just support fairness no matter what color you are or what kind of plumbing you have. And no, America does NOT already have that kind of fairness.

In honor of women, Wayno and I are supporting a swell non-profit organization that helps educate girls and young women in technological fields, which are currently overwhelmingly dominated by men.  We recommend checking them out and possibly tossing a buck or two their way. Girls Who Code.

I prefer to participate in happy hour at home where the drinks are even cheaper and the atmosphere makes me a lot happier.  And yes, after the initial hour, I become all of those other things listed on the sign. Just don’t drop by my house unannounced after a certain time, that’s all I’m saying.

“Watson! We’ve invented something that will one day be used to take pictures of every plate of food we eat.” 

“Hmm. It’s hard to imagine anyone wanting to do that, but okay. Whatever.”

Even so, here we are a hundred-and-some years later with phones that take pictures, answer questions, promote fake news, rig elections in favor of our enemies, and a thousand other things. And yet, most of the time, the reception on actual phone calls isn’t any better than Bell’s prototype. (sigh)

Until next week, my precious Jazz Pickles––be happy, be smart, be nice, and resist ignorance and fascism. And while we’re at it, our official Bizarro Jazz Pickle enamel pin is BACK IN STOCK after the initial batch sold out! Grab one now before it sells out again!

Wayno: Weekly blogTwitterInstagramWaynoVision

Piraro: Bizarro shop (enamel pins, a Hello Shitty shirt and more!)  Bizarro tip jar Signed, numbered, limited edition prints and original cartoon art Piraro Instagram  Piraro Twitter Piraro coloring book


46 thoughts on “Dangerous Crops

  1. Dan, Canadian “heartlander” here. I sympathize with your dislike of the childish bully in the white house right now, and I’m glad I don’t live in a country with that kind of leader, but I can’t abide by your comments about your fellow citizens. Are there some racists in the U.S.? Sure, and there are definitely some racists in every country. But there’s a reason why so many people in the so-called “flyover states” that voted the way they did, and you have to understand that most of them aren’t racist idiots. There’s a real disconnect between the middle of our continent and the city-dwellers on the east and west sides. And comments like yours not only serve to dehumanize many of your fellow hard-working Americans, but they come across as out of touch and exacerbate that existing divide. The question should not be “why are people in states such as Nebraska racists?”, but rather “how have things deteriorated to the point where honest citizens would ignore the blatantly racist and sexist comments made by a presidential candidate and vote for him anyways?” I’m sorely disappointed to see you fail to grasp this reality, and I think that your comments are quite rude and disgusting. I respect your views, but unfortunately this is the last time I will be reading Bizarro (which is a shame, as you do fine work).

    • Well, I agree with a lot of what you said and was going to answer politely but if you’re never reading me again I guess there’s no point.

      • I’m sick and tired of being told I need to “reach out” and to “be tolerant and understanding of”, and “have empathy” and not be condescending toward, but that I should compromise my values to work toward a “common understanding” with ignorant, shallow, racist, misogynistic, xenophobic bigots who support fascists, the KKK, and nazis. In my book, that ain’t happenin’. That Canadian can go Canuck himself.

        • It is best not to confuse those who disagree with you with those who just want to disrupt. I see too many who are ones who disagree put under the “troll” label.

          I don’t care who you are and until you break my leg or rob my purse you are fine. Cross that line and the ghost of Thomas Jefferson will beat the living daylights out of you. Unless your side gains power than it will Civil War 2 horror. That we don’t need.

    • I’m not sure who “Yapo” is, but Wayno is a longtime colleague and friend of mine who took over my Monday-Saturday cartoons starting January 1st of this year. I am still doing the Sunday comics by myself. After 33 years of a-joke-a-day-with-no-vacations-or-breaks, I was ready for some deadline relief.

  2. Hey, Dan:

    I’m posting this just a mile or two from where Alex Bell & Mr. Watson had their first calls; and while I’m all for artistic licence (which I presume you have..), a quick check of the history books will show that in 1876 Alex would have been talking downwards into a fixed cone mounted over a magnet; the fancy-schmancy exchange-type mouthpiece didn’t come until a few years after…just sayin’…

  3. The Midwest is the traditional growth medium of paranoid and racist (subtly or otherwise) populist movements.
    And that’s precisely what I hate about “the bible” and other religious texts. The lunatics would be easier to contain if their texts weren’t so damned ambiguous. And far fewer people would be inclined to join them or twist the words for personal prophet.

    • After the American Civil War, there was a diaspora of Dixiecrats adventuring and some settling down in places like Brazil and Egypt. But what did happen in the time to today that the South has spread Westward filling in those huge, empty states and is now a stronghold for them, too, along with Old Dixieland. So that big states with small populations can overrule smaller states with larger ones who tend to be more Liberal.

      You will find that extremist Libertarians find such places hotbeds for their versions of liberty.

  4. I honestly did not know until just now, up there ^^^, that the Adam’s Apple was named from the Bible. Seriously. I don’t know what I thought about the name; I just never THOUGHT about it. (I also don’t know why this is such a surprise to me, the not knowing as much as the origin…Guess it’s going to be “that” kind of day……)
    (PS There’s no body part named after Eve. I just googled it. Yup. “That” kinda day….)

    • There’s all sorts of feminnny things at my drug store named Eve. Don’t know if that references the Wholly Babble or not. Not likely as that stuff relates to girly bits which I think are not allowed in Christianity.

  5. Dan–

    Loved the comics this week.
    I believe you know the reason why “Family Circus” is in every newspaper in Nebraska… your cartoon “Faustus’ Circus” kind of explains it.

  6. The Lincoln Journal Star carries your comics. We enjoy them! And many of us in Nebraska are hard fighting Democrats!

  7. Speaking of The Flyover, a Floridian who once hired me for a short-term job in Iowa one winter called to talk about the project.

    “Want to spend a week working in a square brown state?” she asked.

    “Sure. But what’s a square brown state?” I asked.

    “Ever look at a map of the Midwest? Ever fly over those states in the winter? Square brown state!” she exclaimed.

    “Aha,” I said, laughing politely, while declining to remind her that most of those brown states are more rectangular than square.

    She sent me to Iowa for a week, which was (and still is) square (actually more rectangular) and it was indeed brown… until it snowed it’s ass off. And believe me, you haven’t lived until you’ve seen Iowa without its ass.

    Nevertheless, I survived its squareness… and brownness… and wintriness.

    Best of all, I got paid, the check cleared the bank and I didn’t catch the measles from that kid that I met in that hospital.

    The end.

  8. 😂😂😂😂😂. Not much more I can say. You guys are the best.
    Loving the trump voodoo doll. Thinking I’ll make one too. 😉

  9. I know this is likely a stereotypical “liberal Californian” thing to say, but: it seems to me that stereotyping large groups of people isn’t right regardless of whether it’s based on their sex, skin color, nationality, or location, and throwing in a “if someone’s not like that, well, I don’t mean the ones like *them*” doesn’t help. (In fact, I think I recall Trump making a similar “I don’t mean the *good* ones” comment when reciting negative stereotypes of Mexican immigrants, but I could be wrong.)

    I realized a while back that, as a disabled liberal, I could understand why the struggling white Mid-Westerners & Southerners backed Trump. Poverty is like being from one of many tour groups on a sinking ocean liner: if you spend enough time watching authorities focus on helping members of the other groups while you struggle to stay afloat, eventually desperation drives you to latch onto the first prospective rescuer you see and figure you can think about their other traits later. (The same kind of mechanism drove so many voters to latch onto future-President Obama in 2008 during the economic/housing crash, so it’s not a matter of intelligence, savvy or education.)

    Just some thoughts for you to consider; no plan on this Berkeley liberal’s part to stop reading your blog. :-)

    • I agree that there was a certain naivete among some Americans that Trump would “shake things up” and perhaps make things “great” again. I do, however, want to point out that Obama was elected before the collapse of the housing bubble and I suspect most voters were electing him out of optimism rather than desperation. I also think that the ones who stick with Trump now despite his sexist, racist, elitist actions/tweets/appointments should know what they’re doing and who they’re getting.

      • Shake things up? He sure has, like an orange bull in the china shop of our govt ripping our support posts and generally trashing it. Like a demolition team. It is what is going to be built in its place that lends to worry.

  10. Shout out from flaming blue Iowa City Iowa, where we have had Bizarro for a long time and love it. Wayno is doing a great job, but I truly miss getting a dose of your personal biting humor everyday and not just Sundays. Enjoy your well deserved vacation.

  11. Loved the town closing with an annoyed rabbit looking for food. I especially like the lit stick under his lip tee. I think with all the ire in my country of which I engage in myself daily it seems, that tee would make a statement. Not saying it’s a terrorism thang, but then again don’t wear it and carry a lit torch.

  12. Thanks for mentioning and supporting Girls Who Code. I’m fortunate to be working at a university IT department where we have a much higher percentage of female technical folks (and managers) than the IT industry in general. We’re not a 50% yet, but the trend is still moving in that direction. When I took my first programming course 30 years ago at this same school, there was only one female student in a class of about 80. Things are certainly changing for the better, it’s just taking a lot longer than it should have!

    • I’m happy to say the same thing is true in cartooning. When I started back in the mid-80s, you could fit all of the female pro cartoonists into a VW bus and still have room for their dogs and luggage. Now it would take perhaps three.

  13. Comment for the 3 14 2018 cartoon. something like that actually happened where I live. It sparked a big discussion on “mama’s boys” in the newspapers.

  14. I have read Bizarro every day since I first discovered it a few years ago. My kind of humor. I didn’t realize you had a comment section however until this morning. My first thought was “good — now I can tell Dan how amazing his work is.” But the first comment I read was from some disgruntled Canadian who sounded like she was looking for the FauxNews website and landed here instead. Are all of your commenters so strident? BTW, this morning’s strip amused me if only because the rumor is the current occupier of the White House doesn’t drink. (Probably another lie.) But that’s okay, because I do! In fact, every time he gives a speech or sends a tweet I feel like having three martinis myself. (And there’s no disputing that every speech he gives makes him sound like he’s “on drugs.”) Keep up the good work. You rock.

    • Thanks so much, Rex, and welcome. Most of the comments here are positive but I do get the occasional bit of angry mail. But I’ve long thought if you’re not pissing somebody off, your work is likely pretty boring. :^}

  15. Hi Dan,
    I like your comment about how the makers of Froot Loops seem to think it is funny to promote poor spelling, much in the same way that a now moribund toy store chain has found humour in making light of dysgraphia in its logo.
    I’ve always wondered if the Moscow branch of that store has a sign reading “Toys ‘R’ Us” – you know, because я is a normal letter there. That would actually make a pretty good background sight gag, should you ever have reason to draw a comic set in a Russian shopping mall. That’s it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *