Tall Tail Tales

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(To achieve and enjoy enbiggenation, click on any regenerative limb.) 

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Four Hairstyles of the Apocalypse.

This week’s Sunday cartoon is a fun little twist of expectation and I had a grand time drawing it. I’m a fan of lizards (though I do not have any as pets) particularly the prehistoric-seeming nature of them, so drawing them is always a treat. Recently, Olive Oyl (O2) and I were kayaking through some lagoons near a beach in Mexico and saw dozens of these big, orange iguanas with black striped tails hanging out in the trees. SO cool.

A quick word to my younger readers about this cartoon:

KIDS!  DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME! By that, I mean do not open a beauty salon in your home without the proper permits from your local government; do not ask someone to “cut it short” without being specific about WHAT you want to be cut short; and do not let those giant blue and orange lumps on your face get out of control before seeing a physician. Also, do not operate a pair of scissors that are as tall as you are without adult supervision.

And now, the Week in Wayno…

I usually ask for my eggs “1970s Pimp Style”: comes with a big, purple, velvet hat, full-length velvet coat and some kick-ass platform shoes, MoFo. Once it arrives, feel free to address other diners who may be staring at you with, “Whose eggs YOU lookin’ at, bitch?”

As an avid motorcyclist, I look forward to a time when virtually all cars and trucks are self-driving, and ones that are not will have an official designation alerting other drivers of that fact. My preference is for big stickers on the front and back bumpers that say, “CAUTION: APE DRIVER”.

Creationists can, of course, opt for ones that say “CAUTION: UNIQUE AND PRECIOUS CREATION MADE IN GOD’S IMAGE THAT DRIVES 99% LIKE A CHIMP.”

Many American offspring today are coddled by their parents and allowed to remain virtual infants without a driver’s license or a job and to live with their parents well into their twenties, thirties, and sometimes beyond. As for me, as soon as I was out of college, my parents started charging me rent and shooting at me with a BB gun until I moved out. It forced me to grow up and make something of myself, as well as to learn to navigate the world with sight in only one eye.

Show me someone who thinks that Marijuana should still be a controlled substance and I’ll show you someone who badly needs to get stoned on a regular basis.

On another note, I was alarmed by how many nitwits came at me on social media with castigations like “Trump doesn’t drink” and “More fake news to discredit the president,” and the like. Considering that, among other high crimes and misdemeanors, the Cheeto Mussolini holds the record for the most demonstrable lies ever told by a sitting president––i.e.; in his first 10 months in office, he told 103 separate untruths, many of them repeatedly, while Obama told 18 over his entire eight-year tenure––how can you take his word that he doesn’t drink? And if this supposed “lie” upsets you, it seems likely that you think drinking is a bad thing and you would not want people to think the president drinks if he doesn’t. But lying, molesting women, supporting white supremacists and neo-Nazis is okay somehow? (I don’t have enough bandwidth to list all of Trump’s highly offensive offenses, so we’ll leave it at that.)

I do not require my doctors to wear one of those head-mirror things but I have personally worn a Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer costume to my dental appointments so we can sing “We’re a Couple of Misfits” together.

Are multiple Big Foot creatures called “Big Foots” or “Big Feet”? “Sasquatches” or “Sasquati”? “Hallucinations” or the “Consequences of Hiking on Meth”? Wayno has some fun stuff to say about Bigfoot on his weekly blog post this week, and also a few links to some of my and his previous Big Foot cartoons.  We just love that giant lug and his comedy potential. (A link  to Wayno’s blog is below.)

The new batch of Jazz Pickle pins is in so nab some before they sell out. (Click “Bizarro Shop” at the top of that page to find them also sold individually.)  We also have some shirts, mugs, tote bags, and an educational poster about cat puke that you may want to share with your feline companion. 

Thanks for reading this far, Jazz Pickles. Until my next post, be happy, be smart, be nice, and resist ignorance and fascism.  And please help support our meager humor efforts by clicking the links below. 

Wayno: Weekly blogTwitterInstagramWaynoVision

Piraro: Bizarro shop (enamel pins, a Hello Shitty shirt and more!)  Bizarro tip jar Signed, numbered, limited edition prints and original cartoon art Piraro Instagram  Piraro Twitter Piraro coloring book

 

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40 thoughts on “Tall Tail Tales

  1. You might want to check your facts on Cheetohead’s lies; a reporter with our local Toronto Star newspaper has been keeping a running total of his verbal misdeeds and had a total of close to 1,000 in his first 10 months and many more by his first year…

    • Yeah, it depends on who is doing the counting and exactly what they consider a provable, intentional lie. I was using the results of some New York Times reporters.

  2. The bottom right hairstyle is the “Conway Twitty.” To the left of it is the “Wolfman Jack.”
    I saw a license plate today that said: ILUVDP. I guess I have a dirty mind.

  3. Cheeto Mussolini might not drink alcohol but, per a video I saw about what he supposedly eats and drinks every day and one fact was that he drinks 12 cans of Diet Coke every day. That shit is nasty and horrible for anyone’s physical and mental health, so, who knows, that horrid stuff could get as much blame as alcohol for someone’s decisions and actions.

    • I tried drinking Coke in the late 50s, thought it was like battery acid and never had one again, save for a couple rum and cokes when I was too drunk to notice.

  4. Wayno’s “the president gave a speech on drugs” cartoon was my favorite this week. I think it works no matter when a reader might read it, say, 12 years ago or 12 years from now, it’s still funny no matter who’s “the president” at the time. Admittedly, it’s insanely easy to assume it’s about Trump specifically, which an apparently-Trump-supporting commenter did on another website, taking umbrage at the negative tone of the cartoon towards their beloved president. I responded as I’ve said here, pointing out the non-specific and transcending nature of the joke, and suggested that perhaps, if he/she him/herself had so readily attached the joke to Trump, then perhaps they should examine their own thoughts and feelings further. Well, that backfired nicely, as ensuing commenters interpreted my comments to be a “painfully strained defense” of Trump. Ouch…

  5. Donald Trump’s older brother died of alcoholism at age 43. That is why Donald Trump does not drink alcohol. You would be wise to let this sleeping dog unmolested for now. The cartoon about Donald and martinis indicates that your taste buds are located in your descending colon.

    • It’s a good gag regardless of who is president. It has some fun wordplay about a president who either gave a speech about drugs or was “on drugs” when he spoke, and also points to America’s acceptance of truly dangerous drugs like alcohol and it’s absurd and archaic persecution of safe and effective drugs like cannabis. Wasn’t meant to be about Drumpf.

  6. About spit out my coffee when I first saw the iguana barbershop. I’m surprised they need shears. How about just grabbing them by the tail and letting it fall off itself?

    • Yeah, it depends on who is doing the counting and exactly what they consider a provable, intentional lie. I was using the results of some New York Times reporters who were likely being generous and conservative so as not to be seen as being partisan. I’ve no doubt he has told FAR more. He clearly does not even know what the truth is.

  7. My friend Dylan Brody posted this today:
    “Can we stop saying @realDonaldTrump is unraveling? This man was never properly raveled to begin with.”

  8. Jeez…to spare us all the wasted time talking about Drumpf just change the wording next time to “governor” or “our beloved leader” or make up a name. But that won’t stop the public from seeing through your lame deception and calling you out for slandering whoever it is they think you’re slandering. p.s. keep up the good work. I’m still getting used to Wayno’s style after 30 years of yours, but he’s FUNNY. No drop in laughs.

  9. The lizard cartoon made me cringe a little, as I identify with the dozen or so lizards that live in the cracks of our block wall, and come out to bask in the California sun and feast on bugs. They are also much better at doing pushups than I am!

  10. A bit late to the party, but “Cheeto Mussolini” has become my new favorite name for “TheRump” (my previous fave (since I coined it!)).

  11. The iguana cartoon made hot coffee come out my nose! Does the site have insurance for this sort of thing? Wayno, could you please try a little harder at hiding the secret symbols? Otherwise, you are a grand heir apparent!

    • We syndicated cartoonists work a few weeks ahead of publication so I’ve seen what’s ahead and I can say that the symbols will begin being more hidden soon. Stay tuned. :^}

  12. Always funny as always and i always tell the truth always. Wait, what? I’m always sooooo confused……… always. Either way keep it coming …….always.
    Like the new website too.

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