Page 41 of 42« First...102030...3839404142

>Serving Pervs

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Nine Nekked Men.

This cartoon appeals to me not because I think that transvestites are perverts – what do I care what somebody wears?– but because it sort of represents the hypocrisy we’ve seen in the news lately.

Once again, politicians who had formerly been outspoken and very “Jesusy” about others for cheating on their wives have been caught cheating on their wives. A politician who was turned down for a federal judgeship by a Senate judiciary committee years ago for being a racist, is the ranking Republican on the committee reviewing Judge Sotomayor. And he is, of course, accusing her of being racist. Business as usual in Washington.

Back to transvestites, I’d much rather see a man dressed in drag than anyone dressed like this.

NOTE: Before the “what about Bill Clinton?” comments start pouring in, I’m not talking about politicians who cheat, I’m talking about politicians who use their religious beliefs as a cudgel and toss around terms like “family values” like a frisbee. Yes, Bill Clinton and many other Democrats have been cheating scum. The difference to my mind is that they don’t whip up the religious right to vote for them by pretending to be otherwise. Just my opinion, not worth a nickle more than you paid for it.

>Help a Brother Out?

I’m a regular columnist for VegNews magazine, writing a column in each issue about the humorous side of vegetarianism and veganism called “Plant-Based Piraro.” Once each year, the magazine sponsors a vote for readers’ favorite this-and-that.

If you want to help a great cause, go to this page and vote for the following two nominees in these two categories:
Best Animal Sanctuary….Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary
Best Column…Plant-Based Piraro (sample article from last year here)

You have to cycle through the categories to find those two, along the way you can vote for whatever you wish, of course, or nothing. Whatever suits you. At the end, they’ll ask for your email address and name, if you provide it you’ll be entered to win some prizes, but it isn’t necessary if you prefer to remain anonymous.

Thanks, kids. You’re phat,” “stoopid” and “sick.”

>Trials of the Extra Terrestrial

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Invasion of the Coffee Tables.
I’ve used the Bizarro alien icon in cartoons as more than just a “hidden picture” before, but I think this is the first time he has been the subject of the joke. For anyone keeping a detailed scrapbook of every minute detail of my career, flag this page with a Post-it note and a star! Then see a counselor about seeking a more worthwhile pastime.

It is interesting that we nearly always imagine aliens to be about our size or, if they are evil, much bigger. But I can’t recall ever seeing a story about tiny aliens. I’m sure there are some and sci-fi afficianados who see this post will leave some examples in the comments section, but it certainly isn’t common in film or TV. I did a cartoon a long time ago about a race of extra-terrestials who were the size and shape of golf balls and were terrified by our species’ treatment of them.

Kurt Vonnegut wrote a novel years ago in which the Chinese had conquered the world by developing a way to shrink themselves to microscopic size. While the rest of the world was in ruins as people fought over scarce resources, the Chinese had virtually unlimited resources because they consumed so little and their enemies could no longer even see them. This has nothing to do with this cartoon, but I thought it was a brilliant idea and wanted to tell you about it. (Yes, science geeks, I know there are holes in this plot as this would drastically increase the number of other predators they would encounter, but let’s put that aside for now.)

If extra terrestrials that were the size of, say, birds visited our planet and were not well-armed with more advanced weapons than ours, we would subjugate them and eat them, of course, as we do to everything else we can dominate. There are some people who will eat anything with a pulse and claim it is delicious, so it probably wouldn’t even matter what they tasted like.

There have been many stories of aliens that are more powerful than we that want to eat us, of course. I enjoy these kinds of stories as I hope that people will see the obvious parallel to how we treat our fellow beings on this planet, but that never happens. Unless a Planet of the Apes scenario actually takes place, I’m certain it never will.

I hate to end on a serious note, so let’s all have a look at this, from Night Deposits, a random blog from my buddy, J. C. Duffy.

>A Lot of Bull

>Today’s Bizarro is brought to you by Skaters In Love.

The basic concept for this cartoon came from my young protege, Victor, who has been sending me ideas since he was about 14. He’s got some great ideas, especially for his age, and I’ve drawn a dozen-or-so of them in the past five years or whatever. I forgot how old Victor is now.

I like cartoons that lead you to think through the punch line and this is one of those. Of course, you have to have heard the expression, “like a bull in a china shop,” to get the joke, but I think people still say that, don’t they?

I often wonder where expressions like this come from. Who first thought of placing a bull in a china shop to illustrate destructive clumsiness? Did someone say it in a pub in Llanidloes, Wales in the 17th century and it spread slowly by word of mouth from there? Or was the expression published somewhere and catch on more quickly? There’s probably a web site that explains it, but who’s got the time to dig that up right now? Not I.

For the record, I think bullfighting is the most heinous and barbaric of sports still being practiced in the civilized world. Parts of Spain are finally outlawing it, and it’s about time. Others are decrying the loss of a “tradition.” Slavery, rape, pillaging, and throwing virgins into volcanoes are traditional human activities, too, but I’m not shedding any tears over their loss. Not that they are completely gone, but at least we’re not still televising them or featuring these activities in the travel section of the Sunday paper.

As you might surmise, I root for the bull.

>Speaking of Talk

Bizarro is brought to you today by Yummy Babies.

I love this gag, it’s simple, dark and unexpected. I originally used this line in comedy shows by saying, “My wife and I just had a baby yesterday.” (the audience invariably applauds) “Yeah, we had a baby boy, and it was really strange because we’re vegan and we don’t normally eat meat.” (The audience is grossed out as they realize what I’m talking about.) “His mother was all, (weepy sounding)‘he was such a good boy!’ and we were like, ‘eh, he really wasn’t that good.'”

I’m not saying it was a great routine and it tended to leave half the audience confused and the other half disgusted, but I enjoyed it. As a person who doesn’t distinguis between the suffering of humans and non-human animals, it was a bit of an activist joke, too. Every animal any of us have ever eaten was terrified when it died, and mourned by those who knew him/her.

Elsewhere in the news, I think Conan’s residency at The Tonight Show has been good. He’s got the best writers in talk show TV, for sure. A NY friend of mine who used to write for The Daily Show was hired by Conan and moved out to L.A. Now that I have an “in” at The Tonight Show, my friend assures me that I can definitely be a guest on the show. All I have to do is become a huge celebrity of some sort, preferably in TV or film.

Here’s a kooky idea: How about if every person who reads this blog writes to The Tonight Show and threatens suicide if they don’t book me as a guest? C’mon, it would be fun! If it works, get me on the same show as Natalie Portman. I have a huge crush on her. Brilliant, gorgeous, and vegan – what’s not to like?

>Fish Sperm, Education, Love

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Our Amazing Oceans.

I often draw cartoons that require a fifth grade education or better to understand, and this is such a cartoon. I fully realize that when I do this, I leave out probably more than half the readers out there, not that my readers are younger than 11 years old, but that most people in the U.S. seem relatively uneducated. Ever see Jay Leno’s “Jaywalking” routine where he asks simple questions of people on the street? It sends chills down your spine.

I’ve known many people with a college degree who couldn’t find their way through the first round of Jeopardy with a single correct answer. I’m not talking about any of you who read this blog, of course, but it is alarming how many so-called “educated” Americans can’t name the countries that border us or tell you who wrote Hamlet. Sad and scary. We’re ripe for being taken over by a less lazy culture. Speak Chinese, anyone?

I like this cartoon because it depicts the unreasonable demands we sometimes put on our spouses. Female fish poop out eggs all over the place, then some male comes along and squirts his magic man juice all over them, they both have a cigarette, get dressed, and go home without so much as exchanging phone numbers and never see the babies again.

Long term monogamous relationships between humans become so prickly, even under the best of circumstances, it is easy to see why many people choose the fish method. Hopefully with the proper contraception so they leave the diseases and children out of the equation. That’s never been my style, I’m a serial monogamist, but I can’t fault in those who never hook up long term.

It’s a lot of work and sometimes maddening. But often sublime, too.

>Mythology Humorolgy

>Today’s Bizarro is brought to you by Men’s Hats.

One of the many things I wondered about the Bible as a youth was why god is always referred to as a “he.” The pronoun denotes gender specificity, which means god has a penis. Why does “He” need a penis if he neither urinates nor reproduces biologically?

Could it be “He” is not literally male, but just representing himself as such so we may relate to “Him” better? If that is the case, the whole “trinity” issue seems ill advised. How can three men (or two men and a ghost) be one man simultaneously? Whether they have penises or not, that’s not very easy to relate to.

Another PR conundrum is that the Old Testament says Jews are the “chosen people.” If “He” created all of the myriad types, groups, ethnicities, and nationalities of people on earth, why choose any one specific group to be your favorite? Seems unfair and a bit contradictory.

So the god of the Bible is male and likes Jews best – let’s think about this. Maybe the answer is right under our noses. Maybe it is because male Jews wrote the Old Testament. Hmmm.

DISCLAIMER: I have nothing against Jews, this post is simply making a point about believing the Bible literally. I have many Jewish friends and neighbors and regard them on an individual basis, just like anyone else I meet. Bigotry against any group is deplorable.
DISCLAIMER 2: I have nothing against the Bible or any of the thousands of other religious texts around the world. I think interpreting any of them as the literal word of god is unwise at best, dangerous at worst. (See Jihad, Crusades, Fred Phelps)
DISCLAIMER 3: I have nothing against men or penises. Mine has long been my favorite organ.

>Farmy Fun

>It’s time again for the June Jamboree at Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary. It’s this Saturday, only 2 1/2 hours north of NYC, you can get there cheaply and easily on Trailways from Port Authority on 42nd.

Lots of fun, very laid back, meet and hang out with other species, take pictures of your kid licking a pig’s nose. You can’t beat it for the price!

If you’re still saying, “DAN, I WANT MORE INFO!,” click here.

>Toss Me a Bone


Bizarro is brought to you today by the Magic of Matrimony.

Today’s offering is one of the stranger concepts I’ve bothered to turn into a Sunday comic. I got a few emails about it, not a lot. A couple people really loved it, though I’m not sure what about it they loved, exactly, a couple of people didn’t understand it.

As for myself, I like the strangeness of it and the goofy drawing of the horse, but that’s about all I can say. In retrospect, I wonder if I should have had the wiggly horse walking, come upon a skeleton, then in the final panel the skeleton is gone and the horse is trotting rigidly off thinking “much better.” That might have made a more complete joke.

But when I wrote this, I was thinking of the cliche skeleton in the desert and thought it might be funny to have that skeleton belong to a living, flacid animal, rather than a dead one. As though it had wondered off.

That’s it. No more depth of reasoning or meaning than that.

Special thanks to you readers who stopped by my table at the MoCCA Art Festival in NYC yesterday, where I was doing sketches for charity. Today I’ll be at the Renegade Craft Fair in Brooklyn, perusing the goods. If you spot me and say “Gimee Pie,” I’ll give you a free pack of Bizarro trading cards!!!!!

>Lion All The Time

>Bizarro is brought to you by Animal Planet.

This simple but highly effective pun came from the nobby noggin of my good friend, Cliff, a former pediatrician who now teaches Stanford med students how to intimidate children into remaining still while a stranger jabs them with a long needle.

Cliff is a funny guy with an unusual ability with language. He and I have been collaborating on a sort of comic book written in puzzle form. Cliff writes the puzzles, I do the drawings. It’s a metric buttload of work and unless it sells a frillion copies I’ll never see much money from it. But such is a life in the arts.

Once published, I am hoping each of my three fans will buy a third of a frillion copies so Cliff and I can eventually be paid for our time. Thank you in advance for your help.

Here is a sneak peak at an illustration from the book, with the puzzle removed. We don’t want anyone stealing our mojo. To enlarge it, click the thumb of the cowboy at left.

Page 41 of 42« First...102030...3839404142