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Silent Security


(A most rewarding experience awaits you when you click an image to embiggenate.)


Bizarro is brought to you today by What Exactly Are They Suggesting?!

Today’s cartoon has 8 secret symbols and a handful of background gags that are fun, so you’ll want to embiggenate it. (My favorite background gag is the truck.) The main gag is a bit of a populist joke––to borrow an oft-used term of late––because most people seem to dislike the cliche, public street mime, the sort I’ve depicted here. I’ve long been on record as a person who finds that clowns, mimes, and street performers of all kinds just make me uncomfortable. I go out of my way to avoid and ignore them. My apologies to any readers who are street performers. I don’t mean to disparage your chosen career or hobby, it just doesn’t work for me. Kind of like door-to-door evangelists.


Because I’m moving out of the country in less than three weeks, I’ve been working well ahead on my deadlines for quite a while. As most fans of newspaper cartoons know, even when working right up to deadline, we’re required to submit our work several weeks ahead of the date they print. (That schedule doesn’t apply to editorial cartoonists, for obvious reasons.) So even though this week of cartoons was written and drawn many weeks before the election, I accidentally tapped into a number of themes that resonate more now than when I submitted the gags.

The cartoon above was written about people disliking their day job but working it because they need to. Posting it here just now, however, I noticed for the first time that it could be seen as representing the general experience of women in the workplace, and one very notable woman’s experience last week. Of the multitude of things that bother me about our recent election, one that looms large is this: Of all the things you can say about both candidates and their many suspected wrongdoings, it is undeniable that in our society when a man breaks the rules as he claws and scratches his way to the top, he’s seen as a tough, ambitious son of a bitch who gets things done––a leader. When a woman does the same things, she’s a bitch; a witch to be burned at the stake. Women who have worked in corporations know exactly what I’m talking about.

And regardless of the list of things some Americans believe Hillary has done, one can easily argue that they are not as bad––or at least no worse––than what Trump has done. Yet millions of people despise her and admire him. This is a kind of deep-seated, subconscious misogyny that I believe stems from basic tribalism. Whether it manifests in the form of xenophobia, elitism, misogyny, or racism––as it did with the anti-Obama birther movement–– it is a gut feeling that says, “you’re not like us, you don’t belong here.” This kind of tribalism is an ugly and difficult thing to defeat.


Here’s a gag I did just to for a chuckle. Stupid questions amuse me. But looking at it now, it can be seen as a cartoon about how utterly inaccurate and worthless polls have become.


No idea what made me think of this gag but a reader commented this week that something very like this happened with a groomsman in his wedding: the tux shop transposed his waist measurement with his inseam and the end result was super-short pants with a gigantic waist.


Here’s another cartoon that I wrote just for fun but also turned out to be prescient. In my original version the cat was gray, but make him orange and you’ve got a perfect allegory for what Trump has pulled off. Which brings me to one of the other things that bothers me most about this election.

My heart truly goes out to the millions of desperate, blue collar workers who trusted that Trump would help them. It is clear he will not. A seventy-year-old man who has made a fortune victimizing blue collar workers for the entirety of his life does not suddenly care about them; especially when he’s already gotten what he wanted from them. Trump is a master salesman and he said what he knew folks wanted to hear.

Sadly, though, manufacturing jobs will not come back in large numbers (because the vast majority were lost to technology, not China, and Trump knows that) our health care costs will not go down, taxes will only be lowered for the very rich, and no help will arrive for the downtrodden because Republicans don’t believe in programs to help the average person. (Go ahead, try to name one.) Also, no wall will be built to keep out illegal immigrants, Hillary will not be sent to jail, and ISIS will not be defeated in the foreseeable future. You have a better chance of getting those things from Santa Claus this Christmas than you ever will from the Trump administration.

People who voted for him thought they were voting against “the system”. Trump IS the system and the next few years will bear that out. And when I say my heart goes out to the people who voted for him (the ones who did so because they are desperate, not the racist ones) I meant no condescension. It is cruel and unfair to play on the emotions of people in need. I once saw a TV evangelist (Robert Tilton, 1982) tell his viewing audience, “Somewhere out there is a couple whose child has cancer. God wants you to pledge $1000 to him right now.”  Playing on the emotions of people in crisis is among the lowest things a person can do.


Hey, here’s some good news! This cartoon doesn’t remind me of politics!


Here is my favorite gag of the week, and it has nothing to do with politics, either. YAY! Regular Jazz Pickles know that I love taking cliches and finding surprising, new angles on them. This is one of those cartoons and I’m still getting a good chuckle out of it. Before you start sending me your own ideas about how to illustrate a common phrase, remember that surprise is the key element. If you do it in any way that the readers think they could have come up with on their own, they just groan. So remember this pro tip: Surprise is the difference between a good pun and a groaner.

Thanks for reading, Jazz Pickles. There’s still time to order Bizarro holiday cards and get them in the mail to your fave peeps!

Here’s my new coloring book full of outrageous surreal art that is fascinating and inspiring to grown-ups and kids alike! Also available at your local bookstore or any online book stores.

Prints of Bizarro cartoons make great gifts, too! Get them from by using the calendar function below the cartoon at the top of the home page to pull up the image you want, then clicking the “Buy Prints” link below.

Descent of Man


(Any cartoon may be embiggenated by clicking any shadow in that image.)


Bizarro is brought to you today by Patterns.

Wow, what a week, Jazz Pickles. First, let’s discuss today’s Sunday cartoon, shown above. As a residence of the Los Angeles area for the past five years, traffic is always on my mind. This is a place with too many cars, which is why my beloved Olive Oyl (O2) and I ride motorcycles whenever we can. California is the only state where it is legal to ride between lanes and in LA traffic, it is often the only way to get home from the grocery store before tomorrow.

But on a larger scale, the world is a crowded place with far too many humans. It’s a complicated issue; you can’t just say “stop having children,” because a) most people won’t and b) the way our societies are structured, economies begin to crumble when the population becomes old and unable to work and there aren’t enough youth to take their places and keep the wheels of commerce going. So unless we really want to return to a pre-civilization style of living off the land––which only a tiny minority of modern humans even know how to do anymore––we’re stuck. I don’t have a solution for the world, but as for ourselves, O2 and I are moving to a small mountain town in Mexico that hasn’t got a single stop sign or traffic light. Please do not follow us; there are enough people there already. And if Trump wins the election and Americans start pouring over the border in hoards, we’ll have to build a wall.


Confidence in a job interview is an important thing, so this guy decides to go all in with a truly Trumpian effort. I’m guessing he won’t get the job and I pray Trump doesn’t, either.


Here’s a very weird take on the cartoon cliche of a mob guy dumping someone into the East River with cement shoes. And why is it always the East River? Why not the Hudson, which is just on the other side of Manhattan?


More fun with another mob cartoon cliche can be found here.


Lots of people told me they enjoyed this take on the Little Red Riding Hood fable. When I first wrote it I worried that it might be too lowbrow for my readers, but based on the response I got, I’m thinking most people still enjoy a good butt joke from time to time. Who am I to judge what makes people chuckle?


This cartoon was the story of the week here at Bizarro Headquarters. As most readers know, I submit these cartoons around four weeks before the publication date. That’s not because I’m always ahead of my deadlines, believe me––it’s because the industry requires it. When I wrote and drew this cartoon in late September, I thought it was a hilarious gag and couldn’t wait to share it with you. What I did not count on, of course, was that Anthony Weiner would be in the headlines again on the same day. It was sheer coincidence, but as a result, the cartoon got a lot more Internet play than it might have otherwise.

The success of this cartoon, however, only barely helped to mitigate my dismay at FBI director Comey’s unprecedented and clearly partisan decision to drag Clinton’s emails back into the headlines. As a reasonable, intelligent person who is not terrified by non-white people, gays, or women in power, I fear for my country’s future should something as stupid as this email story be enough to tip the polls in Trump’s favor on election day.

Readers of my cartoons and this blog usually know where I stand politically and sometimes criticize me for taking sides. But I think that a fundamental aspect of democracy––a system in which everyone gets involved in government by voting––is that everyone should get involved in the process. That means everyone speaks their piece. And in this case, with such a profoundly unqualified, egomaniacal, racist, sexist, compassionless charlatan as Donald Trump standing this close to the most powerful office in the world, everyone needs to speak up. If he gets elected, America will get what it deserves. And it won’t be pretty.

And what will we learn from the email scandal? Nothing. There’s nothing there. No email will be found with the kind of smoking gun that Republicans are hoping for like Clinton saying, “I can’t wait to be president and poison the nation’s water supply so that I can sell the country to China while our citizens are puking!” The most one can say she is guilty of is putting classified information on a private server. Colin Powell did the same thing when he was secretary of state and he was a big, tough, military guy. I don’t think either of them had ill intentions in doing so, I think it was likely a case of a couple of older people not innately understanding computers and the Internet well enough to realize how dangerous it could be, and foolishly opting for convenience. That’s not a crime, but it is foolish, which is likely why no one has admitted that stupidity was the impetus.

One last bit: It’s fun to read someone’s personal emails in a voyeuristic sense and that’s why this is a story at all. That, and the fact that political committees can decide to investigate anyone for anything and they know full well that the investigation is the damning part. It doesn’t matter if anything is ever uncovered or proven, voters are leery of a politician being investigated, whether they deserve it or not.

In the 70s, Nixon ordered a burglary of the offices of the Democratic National Committee to attempt to get private information and gain an unfair political advantage. We know it as “Watergate”. This was widely seen as a criminal act that was beneath the office of the President, and correctly led to the ouster of Nixon and much of his administration. The private emails recently stolen from the Democrats’ computers and published by Wikileaks are the same thing: stolen property in an attempt to gain political advantage. The real story is the theft, because no matter how hard they try, they’ve found nothing condemning in the emails.


My last cartoon of the week takes a shot at “preppers”. I think pretty much everyone who is not a prepper can agree that those people are nuts.

Thanks for reading, Jazz Pickles. If you think my cartoons and ideas are worthy of your support, please consider making a donation or becoming a monthly supporter of Bizarro. Most people see my work for free online and newspaper revenues are shrinking, so your support is much appreciated. You can look into doing that here.

Want some Bizarro greeting cards for whatever? Find them here!

Great gift ideas:

My new art book, inspired and inspiring for all ages.  (Only $6)

A nice, archival, color print of any Bizarro cartoon by going to, using the CALENDAR link below the cartoon to pull up an image you want a print of, then hitting the BUY PRINTS link below the cartoon. ($30 to $100)

Larger, nicer, limited-edition, signed and numbered, museum-quality, framed prints of some of my favorite Bizarro cartoons… ( $200)

…and some framed original Bizarro art from that same site. ($1000)

Pet Shop Shenanigans


(Colonel Firmstool, the Bizarro mascot dog shown above, wishes to remind you that a simple click to the hindquarters of any character in these cartoons will result in embiggenation.)


Bizarro is brought to you today by The Beauty and Grace of Synchronized Diving.

You’re going to want to embiggenate today’s pet shop cartoon because it has 8 secret symbols and six or seven small background jokes that have been specially formulated to curl the edges of your mouth upward.

And if you enjoy the kooky character drawings in this cartoon, you’ll flip out over the wackymonkey nonsense I filled my new book with. You don’t have to enjoy coloring to get a lot out of this book. Each page will lead to hours of mind-bending gazing and save you a fortune on recreational drugs! (The book is completely appropriate for all ages, by the way, though some recreational drugs may not be.) Here’s another sneak preview of a page.


I’m a big fan of dogs as a species but because I want to have a good relationship with you and I believe that the quality of any relationship hinges first on honesty, I’m going to be completely honest and tell you that I’m not a big fan of the Shih Tzu. When I look at their long, prom-dress fur, the almost ubiquitous bow on their head, and their little upturned noses, I cannot see how they descended from wolves. No chance. In fact, I think it is highly unlikely they are the product of any biological process whatsoever and are probably the result of a magic spell of some kind. One thing I do like about Shih Tzus, however, is their name. Because it sounds a little bit dirty.


I live in the Los Angeles area where pretty much everyone who makes more than minimum wage has had cosmetic surgery. I understand the temptation; almost anyone over a certain age begins to regret the creeping failures of the flesh. But asking a stranger to slice you up like a pumpkin and glue you back together again so you’ll (temporarily) look (a little) like you did 7 years ago seems like a losing game. As we all know from certain celebrities who have played too much in that particular sandbox, eventually they look like figures from a wax museum that were placed too close to the heat vent.


This cartoon tickles me because it lampoons the various social media trends like #ManicMonday, #ThrowbackThursday, #FaintSmellOfRottingFigsFriday, etc.  I’m aware of these things but I don’t participate in them very much because I stubbornly insist on living in the natural world, the one that existed before the Internet and has living, breathing flora and fauna. Old timers sometimes call it “the real world,” but based on certain areas of philosophy and physics, I’m not prepared to go quite that far. That’s not to say that I don’t appreciate your stopping by my cyberhouse here at to read these cartoons and comments, of course. #ArrogantHypocrite


Here’s another fun cartoon for embiggenation because, once again, I’ve placed some fun background gags in it in the form of medical pamphlets. Here’s an enlarged view of the pamphlets for your amusement. 


I quite like this cartoon about the famous Running of the Bulls in Pamploma and other towns. In its traditional form, a group of bulls is herded from the countryside where they are raised, through the streets of town to the bullring, where they will die in a cruel and gruesome manner later that day. I see it as a barbaric practice leftover from archaic times, like gladiators fighting to the death and other forms of bloodsport, and wish bullfighting would be outlawed worldwide. Progress is being made along these lines but we’re not there yet. The good news is that even if bullfighting is outlawed, they can still herd bulls through the streets and let people test their courage and reflexes by running along with them. I see it as a form of natural selection.


How much do kids get from the Tooth Fairy these days? When I was a kid it was a quarter per tooth. When my kids were young, I think it was a dollar. According to my dad, when he was young he got a morsel of coal which he could then light on fire and bask in the minuscule warmth of for ten or fifteen minutes before going back to the tomb-like cold of his family’s shack. Donald Trump reportedly got a thousand bucks per tooth, and if that wasn’t enough to gold plate some small object of his fancy, homeless street orphans were brought in for him to pull their teeth out with pliers so he could sell them to the Tooth Fairy. True story. Believe me.

Thanks for joining me for another post, Jazz Pickles. And thanks to the big crowd of lovely folks who came to my talk last night at the South Pasadena Library. It was terrific meeting you all and an honor to make you chuckle.

Great gift ideas:

My new book, inspired and inspiring for all ages.  (Only $6)

A nice, archival, color print of any Bizarro cartoon by going to, using the CALENDAR link below the cartoon to pull up an image you want a print of, then hitting the BUY PRINTS link below the cartoon. ($30 to $100)

Larger, nicer, limited-edition, signed and numbered, museum-quality, framed prints of some of my favorite Bizarro cartoons. ( $200)

Also some framed original Bizarro art from that same site. ($1000)

I also encourage you to feel the satisfaction of supporting the arts by making a one-time donation or monthly contribution to Bizarro. As newspapers shrink in numbers and pay less for comics, it’s getting harder for guys like me to stay in the game since most folks read my work for free online. A few bucks a month helps keep the comedy cogs cranking and is much appreciated!



(Click the pictures I have left here for greater embiggenation.)



Bizarro is brought to you today by Strange Times.

This is the second cartoon I’ve done recently about large, lumpy surgical masks. (Here is the other.) Sometimes when I’m gag writing I think of a joke that leads to another similar one. If they are different enough, I’ll use them both. A few times in the past, I’ve challenged myself to come up with enough jokes on a particular topic to run an entire week. I did that once in 2002 with dry cleaner gags, shown below. One of my favorite aspects of this series was the signs in each gag about what happens to customers’ clothes left too long. You’ll need to click each one to temporarily embiggenate it so you can read those signs.

bizarro-10-07-02 bizarro-10-08-02


And now let’s move on to the cartoons of this past week.


I heard that Domino’s is planning to deliver pizzas with drones, or maybe they already are in some places. I can’t help but imagine this won’t work well enough to become a national standard but if it does, I’m glad I’m moving to Mexico because I don’t want to live in a community where products are flying everywhere overhead all of the time.  On the other hand, it might be mildly amusing to watch bands of teenagers shooting pizzas out of the sky before they can arrive at their intended destination. Amusing until, of course, they shoot down the crochet shorts I ordered from Amazon.


I was thinking about horse whisperers and then my filthy mind went to a place where a guy who whispers into horse’s ears falls in love and wants to run away together by––how else?––jumping on the horse’s back and literally running away. Don’t be alarmed if you’re not laughing right now, it really isn’t a very funny cartoon.

For those of you not familiar with horse whisperers, it’s likely because you don’t have horses in your life, or the horses you have are not good at keeping secrets.


When I was a child back in the 1900s, department stores all had “lost and found” windows in a back hallway somewhere near the credit office and the bathrooms. I think they eventually got rid of them perhaps because modern people don’t lose things anymore, or maybe because modern employees and shoppers just take found articles home in the spirit of “finders keepers”.


This gag tickles me a bit because I’ve been accused of this more than once. As my beloved Olive Oyl can attest, I have a bad habit of becoming sarcastic and condescending when I feel backed into a corner. This cartoon is my way of outing myself, perhaps encouraging me to improve my behavior. As I am fond of saying, “If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re not allowed to laugh at anyone else, either.” I definitely don’t want to give up the right to laugh at others.


Lots of people on the Interwebs seem to have liked this cartoon about “smart” things. I’m sure that younger people find the inability of those of us over a certain age to navigate technology amusing and pathetic. Can’t you just feel them laughing behind your back? But with the speed at which technology changes, it is only a matter of time––and probably not much of it––before a completely new platform that does not currently exist will become the norm and anyone not born after 2010 will be as lost as I am. When millions of Americans suddenly find they can’t get or hold a job without being able to navigate the virtual world everyone is living and doing business in by blinking at the hologram floating in front of their face that only they can see, it will be my turn to laugh.


This last cartoon is funny because who among us has not gotten so drunk we participated in a one-night stand with a species from another galaxy? Am I right? Okay, I’ve not actually had that experience, but I wanted to seem cool like the other guys. Consider it harmless locker room talk.

Hey, Jazz Pickles, even if you’re not into defacing black and white images by adding colors, I’m pretty sure you’ll love looking at the insane amount of detail and insanity that I packed into my new Bizarro Land Coloring Book. It has 31 of the most tremendously detailed and imaginative images I’ve ever created and it’s only $6. You really can’t afford not to buy a dozen or more. Great gift, you say? You’re right! Here is a detail of about one third of a single page. You can buy the book here, or from other online book vendors, or from many of your local bookstores.

Also, I’ll be doing a couple of promotional comedy talks in Pasadena, California this week:

Monday, October 17 (TOMORROW NIGHT!) at 7pm at Vroman’s Bookstore on Colorado, totally free to attend, buy a book and have me sign it if you want. I’m friendly and funny and you will be glad you dropped by!

Next Saturday, October 22 at 7pm, I’ll be at South Pasadena Library on Oxley Street as part of the Library Arts Crawl. Again, it’s a free event, I’ll be funny and showing cartoons and art on a big screen, and you can buy one or more books for me to sign after the event. Meet me and take a picture with me but don’t back me into a corner. I can get condescending.



Drive By


(Make any of these images embiggenated by arching your back and clicking on them.)


Bizarro is brought to you today by Sneaking Up On A Glyptodon.

As you likely know, those “street view” images you can find online of just about any address in the civilized world are taken from contraptions attached to the tops of cars that just drive all over the world taking pictures of everything they pass. Some famously funny things have been captured by those pictures and they just lie quietly in wait on the Interwebs until people begin discovering them and spreading the word. There are gobs of pages dedicated to the funniest, strangest, most tragic things captured on Google Street View, which you can find by, of course, googling the topic.

In past blog posts I’ve mentioned that I bought a house in Mexico. One of the Jazz Pickles who participated in my survey recently (thanks to all who did!) mentioned that they thought it was a vacation house so I thought I should clear that up. Olive Oyl and I are not the sort of folks who can afford more than one place to live so we’re actually moving there full time in December and will no longer be living in the U.S.

After a few years of renting in the Los Angeles area, we recently decided to buy a house and found very quickly that we can’t afford to live anywhere in the U.S. that we would actually want to live. If it’s an attractive, liberal, artistic town with good weather, real estate prices are absurd. We’ve both always loved Mexico and one small, Spanish colonial mountain town in particular, so we started researching it and decided to buy a house there. For what would have been an average downpayment on a house in LA––that would then have been followed by 30 years of big payments each month––we bought a house for cash in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico. So we’ll be living this new adventure debt free, which is a huge relief at this point in my life. I’ll keep you updated on the shenanigans as this story progresses.


Here’s a fun take on getting lost in art museums. I love visiting museums but I really dislike how difficult they are to navigate. I’m good with maps but sometimes I still get lost. Between art museums and Ikea stores, I think that by the end of my life I will have lost a couple of years to wandering around looking for exits.


I used to be in bands when I was young and though most musicians are not stupid enough to walk into glass windows, it isn’t hard to find ones who are.


More observant readers will notice that the macabre scene above is taking place in my beloved Olive Oyl’s bistro. She’s an amazing cook and a gifted hostess. Sadly, since Oyl’s Bistro is currently still in the fictional stage, you can’t go there for dinner tonight.


I did this clown version of Noah before I’d heard about the wave of scary clown panic that is plaguing American schools at the moment. If you’ve not heard about it, google it. It’s pretty ridiculous on many levels. I was particularly amused by the head of a big clown organization making a public service announcement video about how scary clowns are not “real” clowns. Hmm… I think that’s a matter of opinion, isn’t it?


Just as Donald Trump mentioned in his apology video this week that he has never said he was a “perfect person”––although to my recollection he’s rarely said anything else––I’ve never said I was above making a cartoon from a ridiculous pun. I won’t use just any pun for a cartoon, however. I have a set of criteria that I go by and two of them are “is it surprising?” and “does it make me smile?” This one cleared both bars so I used it. Someone commenting on a FB post of this cartoon said, “That’s stupid”. Yes, it is. Sometimes stupid is funny. Dr. Ben Carson is a good example.

I’m not a golfer but my dad was and I used to really enjoy caddying for him when I was barely big enough to schlep a golf bag. I occasionally used his adult-sized golf clubs to hit practice balls with and while thinking about this one day I wondered about the scenario illustrated above. Along the same lines, I’ve often thought that for me––at 5’7″ tall––to fully understand what game NBA players are playing, I’d have to use a basketball the size of a cantaloupe and a hoop that is only 8 feet off the ground.

That’s it for this week except for this big news: MY COLORING BOOK FOR GROWNUPS IS FINALLY OUT! You can order it on Amazon and other online book sellers, and it is beginning to appear in bookstores daily. I’ll be doing a couple of events here in Pasadena soon to publicize it.  

Monday, Oct 17, 7pm, I’ll be doing a comedy talk at Vroman’s Bookstore, 695 E. Colorado Blvd. Pasadena, CA 91101 Tel:626.449.5320 

And also…

Saturday, Oct 22 at 7pm at the South Pasadena Library, 1100 Oxley St., South Pasadena, CA, 91030, (626) 403-7340. I’ll be signing and selling books at both events, of course. Come see me! 


Fourteen Smiles


(To enjoy the embiggenation of these images, click on any object with corners.)


Bizarro is brought to you today by Odd Body Parts

Because I was out of town last week and did not post my week’s cartoons, this post includes TWO WEEKS OF CARTOONS!

Let us begin with last Sunday’s double-wide comedy cavalcade about a lab scientist doing some kind of experimenty thing that ends up switching his own head with that of a house cat’s. If you’ve ever had this happen, you know how funny (and embarrassing!) this can be. What’s more, the cartoon has 8 secret symbols, so click it, embiggen it, and commence counting.


A couple of years ago there were some articles about how sitting down all day is as bad for your body as chain smoking heroine while eating chocolate-covered french fries, and that no amount of exercise can undo the damage, so a lot of people were buying standing desks. Some standing desks have a treadmill so you can exercise and not-sit-down at the same time. I figure other kinds of exercise desks can’t be far behind.

I stand up while working sometimes but my main form of exercise is arguing with people on the Internet, which can be exhausting.


This is a joke about a cowboy on a pig. If you really love mushrooms, you might think it is funny and forward it to a friend of yours who also loves mushrooms. Other than that, I don’t have a lot to say about it. I’m not a big fan of mushrooms unless they make you see funny things.


Dogs evolved to be of use to humans not only as companions, but also as hunters, herders and guardians. In our modern world, dogs often report that they do not have enough to do, are bored, and cannot think of ways to be of use to their humans. I think it is good to challenge them from time to time, even if the circumstances are phony.


I don’t watch TV news anymore mostly because it is too ratings-driven and so they cover “exciting” nonsense rather than less-exciting issues that actually matter to human history. I get all my news from the Washington Post, The New York Times, and NPR, so I don’t miss the TV bullshit coverage at all, and one of the aspects of TV news that I really love doing without is all of that extra information they run across the bottom of the screen while they’re talking about the main story––the “news crawl”. No wonder our species’ attention span is shrinking faster than (could someone think of a punch line for this sentence and leave it in the comments section, please? Thanks.)


I enjoy starting with a cartoon cliche and finding a surprising punch line for it. The spooky-story-around-a-campfire motif has been used a lot in the world of gag cartoons, but I’ve not seen this angle on it. I was alone in the woods at night one time and it was scary as hell. I admit that this was entirely because I was raised in cities and am now incapable of surviving for more than a couple of days in the place where my species evolved: nature. If there is some kind of apocalypse and the entire technology grid crumbles and we’re all on our own, most of us modern first-world people will be wishing we were good buddies with one of those hillbillies who’ve been prepping for the hostile government takeover or a zombie apocalypse.


And the Chinese call them “long-grain rice dogs”.

That’s a week’s worth of cartoons from a week ago, now here’s this past week’s worth of cartoons starting with today’s Sunday hootenanny. (This may be the first time I’ve written the word “week” in a sentence three times.)


This one’s about the ubiquitousness of pumpkin-flavored stuff this time of year. Each autumn there are numerous cartoons and articles and jokes about “pumpkin spice” so I thought I’d go completely over the top and make it the actual reason her stomach is big and round.

On a slightly different subject, did you know that it is not unheard of to get a tattoo of your baby’s ultrasound? Sadly, it is not. And if you’re looking for an equally terrible idea for a tattoo, you might wait a few months and do this. Yes, this is deeply distressing but in a free society you have to be willing to let people do stupid things if they want to.


I know this big beard fad won’t last forever and it’s always amusing to make fun of people who jump on bandwagons, but I have to say I really like the big beard thing. I’ve long been an advocate of eccentric beards and mustaches and have worn a crazy mustache myself for decades. If I had the right kind of beard, I’d grow it to be much bigger and stranger but, unfortunately, this is just another of many ways in which god has cursed me biologically.

Still, the popularity of the urban faux lumberjack look is ironic considering what I was talking about above regarding the average American’s inability to survive in nature. For reals, though, how cool would a log cubicle be?


This cartoon got a few really angry emails and comments. I figured it would draw a little criticism but I didn’t expect people to take it personally. Here’s a typical one:

“Until today I have generally enjoyed your humor. But I will read your squib no more. There is nothing even pretendedly humorous about today’s hate-message against all men. Your misandry is going along with today’s popular Big Lie, which presumably makes you feel righteous. But it means only that you have joined a huge mass of people with innocent blood on their hands, because words have consequences.”

I politely thanked this guy for his comments and asked him what the “Big Lie” is and what “blood” I have on my hands because of my words, but his email address was incorrect and my reply bounced back. I’m guessing maybe this is one of those white males who is tired of being blamed for everything. I get that. Not all white males are bad. I’m a white male and I don’t think I’m bad. But it is undeniable that white males have been in charge of most of the world for most of human civilization (approx. 10,000 years) and are behind the overwhelming majority of incidents of racism, injustice, war, child abuse, sexual molestations, environmental abuse, and institutional violence of just about every kind. That’s not to say that any other style of human (black, brown, female, etc.) might not have done the same terrible things had they been in charge all these centuries, nor is it to say that all males have done terrible things, but it is undeniable that many males have done these things and the vast majority of women, as a group, have not.

One last note: that guy’s second sentence sounds like he might have traveled here from the 19th century, so perhaps he’s dealing with all kinds of crazy time-travel issues I know nothing about.


I guess when I wrote this week’s gags I was on a kind of kick about the rat race that civilization has become. From the urban office dude who dresses like a mountain man, to the “civilization” joke, to this cave man talking about going camping, there’s a similar theme here.


I think this ZZ Top gag got the most chuckles out of me this week. Just good, old-fashioned stupid fun with no deeper meaning. In addition to the “civilization” theme, I guess I was thinking a lot about beards this week.



This Pokemon gag isn’t all that original, I know. I’ve seen a few other cartoons about the amazing things people are missing while they’re busy playing that game. I wrote it just after the game made headlines but the way newspaper syndication works, it takes weeks for me to go from a written idea to a published cartoon so “getting there first” on current events is difficult for me.


My last cartoon for the week is this mythological moment between the god and the devil made famous by the super popular desert religions. “Feel good movie of the year” used to be a term you’d hear a lot but I think maybe nobody says it anymore. Oh well.

That’s it for these two weeks, see you next Sunday. In the meantime, a special thanks to those of you who have donated a few bucks or who contribute monthly to Bizarro via my Tip Jar to keep me able to post my cartoons for free on the web. Your support is much appreciated!

Another great way to support my efforts to keep you smiling is by buying a print of any Bizarro cartoon from the homepage of  Just find a cartoon you like using the calendar function below the cartoon, then click “Buy Prints”.

If you’d like a larger, nicer, limited-edition, signed-and-numbered print, or a piece of original hand-drawn art from Bizarro, go to this groovy LA art gallery website!



(To embiggenate these images, click any character in the solar plexus.)

bizarro-09-18-16-webBizarro is brought to you today by Forgotten Muscle Groups.

This Sunday comic about the family health club membership is worth enlarging, if only to search for the 12 secret symbols. There are 11 official secret symbols (as documented and explained here) but one of them appears in this image twice.

I’m an athletic sort of guy and a big advocate of staying in shape, so for most of my adult life, I’ve been a regular at various gyms, yoga classes, tennis courts, bike routes, etc.  I’m not, however, the type of guy who spends so much time at a gym that my body is swollen and bulging in unnatural places as though I’ve been attacked by a swarm of bees. I have too many more important things to do to spend that much time lifting heavy things. As I write this, I realize how “judgy” it sounds; as though people who are big and bumpy from copious weight lifting are somehow inferior to me. I apologize for that and do not wish to inspire stronger people than I to assault me. I don’t know any more about the secret workings of the universe than you do, so for all I know lifting heavy things while staring at yourself in a mirror is more important than drawing silly pictures. We all have our own path.


This ostrich cartoon coincidentally appeared in newspapers the day after 9/11. I say it was a coincidence because it didn’t cross my mind when I drew it, dated it, and submitted it for publication several weeks previous. I often don’t notice the dates I’m slapping on cartoons each week––I just write seven cartoons, draw them, color them, look up the next seven dates I’m supposed to provide to King Features, write them in under the signature and submit them. I usually will notice a major holiday like Christmas or Halloween, but other holidays or anniversaries that I’m not looking to address in my cartoons just slide by without notice. So I thought it was a bit odd when I noticed the proximity of this one to the anniversary, considering 9/11 is the reason there exists a “no fly list” in the first place. If I’d noticed that when I was dating this batch of cartoons, I likely would have bumped it to the end of the week so as not to draw unintentional parallels in reader’s minds. Whatever. As you most certainly have noticed by now, I don’t have anything interesting to say about this cartoon. Let’s see if we have any more luck with the next one.


OMG, have you ever been around a surgeon who holds his hands this way all the time so you’ll ask, “Why are you holding your hands that way?” and then he says arrogantly, “I’m an important surgeon,” as though some surgeons are totally UNimportant? No, neither have I. No one has. It’s stupid.  But we all know insecure nitwits who find ways to organically drop information into conversations so that you’ll be amazed, and then they act like it’s no big deal and pretend they’re a little embarrassed that you’re making a fuss when that was obviously their intention all along. I’ve known several people like that and it is such a challenge not to slap them in the face with the hand I used to spread sunscreen on Sophia Loren on the French Riviera that time I was the guest of the Prince of Monaco because he liked my cartoons so much.


My good email buddy, Michael Roth of someplace in Germany, suggested this subtle cartoon about Chewbacca, which I really like. He’s a writer of some sort which impresses me because that means he’s even better at German than he is at English, which is pretty much flawless. I’m jealous of bilingual folks because I’ve always wanted to speak another language but have found that it is difficult to learn so many new gibberish sounds that supposedly mean things and then use them in exactly the right order so that you don’t sound like an idiot. So far, this skill has eluded me. I’ve been taking Spanish lessons online for a few months now because Olive Oyl and I have bought a house in Mexico and are moving there full time soon. I’m starting to get the hang of it in a tiny, microscopic way but I can still only say things like, “Tengo un pato bonito,” which has yet to come up in conversation and I am skeptical that it ever will. Unless I get a duck.


My favorite thing about this saber-toothed tiger and corkscrewed-toothed bobcat is the drawings of the animals. If you’re a big drinker of wine, you might like it for that reason but I’m more of a tequila and whiskey kind of guy. I like wine and drink it on occasion, as long as it is red, but if I get drunk on it I get a worse headache than pretty much any other kind of booze.


Service animals are a funny thing. Keep in mind as you read the next few sentences that I have no personal experience with service animals, nor have I read up on them or even googled the subject. But it is my impression that while some people use service animals for obviously important things, as is the case of seeing-eye dogs for the blind, there are also people who get anxious if they don’t have their pet caiman with them and overly compassionate people put pressure on weak, liberal politicians to give them that right, and then they want to visit a children’s carnival and somebody’s baby gets eaten. Maybe that never actually happens but now that I’ve put it on the Interwebs, thousands of people will think it did even if every major newspaper in the country proves the story is false. That’s how things work now.


And now here’s a cartoon of Jesus heeling a dog. Is it a harmless pun or does it heretically ridicule our Lord and Savior and it sure is telling that I wouldn’t dare make this cartoon about Mohammad? Depends on your version of reality.

If you enjoy thinking about things the way my cartoons lead you to, please consider supporting my efforts (and my pato bonito) with a one-time donation or a monthly contribution here.

Another way to support my humor is to buy a piece of original art from Bizarro, or a limited-edition, signed and numbered print of one of my favorite Bizarro gags. The original art is black and white, the prints are in color, both are framed, super nice, and make a wonderful gift for friends and enemies alike. Even for yourself. Do it here.

Thanks for your eyes, Jazz Pickles. Have a great week!


Gum Delay

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(Click any rectangular object in any cartoon to embiggenate it.)

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Bizarro is brought to you today by The Strange Girl Next Door.

Today’s big Sunday cartoon is about the mixed bag of convenience we get from technology. Historically speaking, each generation witnesses more change than the ones before it. A couple of thousand years ago, a person was lucky to come across a single new invention in their entire lifetime. Five hundred years ago, you might see two or three in a lifetime. A hundred years ago, during the Industrial Revolution, things really heated up and people’s heads were spinning with new inventions coming at them at the alarming speed of one every five years or so. Today, in the time it has taken me to type this paragraph, there have been as many new inventions as there are letters typed. How do I know this? Because of a little invention called lying with authority. I made all these figures up, but I’m guessing they’re more-or-less historically true up to that last one about each letter of this paragraph.

The larger point is that we tend to incorporate these inventions into our lives and then can’t live without them. Imagine if smart phones suddenly stopped working all over the world. Everyone would have to walk around shouting what we would normally be tweeting, and carry our food plates through the streets to show people what we ordered instead of just posting it on FacadeBook. It would be chaos.

Lastly, I recommend embiggenating the cartoon above so you can see all of the small jokes I incorporated into the product labels. I’m certain you will find and extra smile or two hidden on the shelves of the “Shop ‘n’ Leave”.

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When I drew and submitted this cartoon (several weeks ago) I wondered if the weather would be hot when it published, but with the record heat worldwide in recent years, it wasn’t much of a gamble. Thanks and a shout-out to my email friend in Canada named Russell who suggested I do a pun on “daily weather report” using the name of the famous surrealist painter, Salvador Dali. Sadly, I’m afraid we’re all in for flaming giraffes and melting clocks for most of the rest of our lives––even the climate change deniers, who sweat at the same rate the rest of us do.

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This pirate cartoon was suggested by my good friend, Cliff Harris the King of Wordplay. This isn’t wordplay, really, but I thought the hooks being mistaken for air quotes was amusing. And, since here in the U.S. the ultimate corporate pirate is shamefully close to the most powerful office in the world, it’s also fairly timely. (For those of you tempted to write something predictable about Hillary being a pirate, note that I said “corporate” pirate and her misdeeds have been in the world of politics, not business.) (For those of you tempted to say something predictable like “what’s the difference between politics and business?”, okay, you got me.)

Cliff has a book of clever wordplay and illustrations that makes a fun gift and is also fun to just have lying around your house. Snag one here while it’s still in its first edition!

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This hunter cartoon has a fun story behind it. The day that it published, several people contacted me via the Interwebs to tell me that there was a mistake in the picture, and they were right. Have you spotted it yet? I’m a stickler for details and so I had a good laugh at myself that I had not noticed it until readers pointed it out. I then posted it on FB and Twitter asking who else could catch it and most people responded accurately, but a few got lost in my Secret Symbols, like the eyeball in the chair, which are not mistakes and appear in most of my cartoons. The mistake I’m talking about has been corrected in the cartoon posted below and an explanation of it follows. So don’t scroll down yet if you want to see if you can find the mistake in the original first.

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Observant readers will have noticed that in my original drawing, the hand the hunter mounted in the crocodile’s stead is a left hand, but the hand the hunter is missing is his right. In the second cartoon posted here I corrected the drawing. I’m not sure why I didn’t notice it when I drew it, I guess I was sleepwalking through my work that day and just drew the hand without thinking about which hand he was missing. I’m glad people caught it and told me so I could get a good laugh, though. As I am known to say, if you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re not allowed to laugh at others, either.

Several posters attempting to answer the question got lost in other kinds of arcane details, like the fact that if a crocodile had bitten off the man’s arm he would not have been able to get it back for his trophy room, but that’s easily remedied by imagining that the crocodile is highly allergic to human flesh and sneezed heartily before he could swallow.

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This brother-in-law gag is about an old expression “When they made him(her) they broke the mold”, meaning that a person is unique, and also about something we’ve all experienced where siblings within the same family can be very alike and yet utterly dissimilar. I could list examples from my own life but then people might get embarrassed.
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If I may be immodest for a moment, I’d like to say that this cartoon about #NeverMagellan is one of my favorites in forever. It’s strange and funny and sad and true. And it says something about the Trump campaign and its followers that isn’t often addressed: Going backward in time with protectionism, tough-talk, racial innuendo, insults, pride in ignorance, denial of science, big walls that keep “bad guys” out, etc., is something that has been tried again and again in times of heightened fear but never works. Is the world a dangerous place and are there bad guys who mean you harm? Yes––always has been, always will be. Can a tough guy protect you? Not in a democracy. You need a ruthless dictator and closed borders for that kind of “protection”. Are the people who live in countries like that happy? Ask people who lived behind the Iron Curtain or any number of other countries with ass-kicking “strongmen” in their front office.

“If you want total security, go to prison. There you’re fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking… is freedom.” ––Dwight D. Eisenhower

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I’ve long thought that dogs more often exhibit the kinds of traits we attribute to gods than do humans. I think the popular bumper sticker says it brilliantly––“Dear God, please help me to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.” And of course, none of us are.

I got lots of positive messages about how much people liked this dog cartoon, one predictable comment from someone who thought I was insulting their Christian god, and one cliche comment right out of the scripts at Fox News which I’ve gotten each time I poke fun at Christian mythology, asking if I would dare do this cartoon about “the Muslim god”. In response to this comment I always hasten to point out that Christianity and Islam are offshoots of ancient Judaism (itself an evolution of previous mythologies) and that historically speaking, all three of those religions worship the same “God of Abraham,” even though many of their modern followers have long forgotten that fact. My favorite oddball comment was someone who asked me if I was a member of the Illuminati because I had put an eyeball and a pyramid on god’s throne. No, I’m not. Cartoonists deal in cliches to get ideas across and those seemed to fit.

If you’ve read this far I deeply appreciate your effort and hope you found it enjoyable. As the newspaper industry dwindles, most of my readers receive it for free on the Internet. If you’re one of those folks, I humbly ask that you consider a monthly contribution to my efforts or a one-time donation, which you can accomplish by going here. Much appreciated, Jazz Pickles!

Another way to support me and Olive Oyl is to purchase a signed and numbered, limited edition, color, framed, fine art print of one of my favorite Bizarro cartoons from this site. They also have a small number of original black and white ink drawings from Bizarro. Thanks!

Bush Voyeurs

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(Enjoy these cartoons more through the magic of embiggenation. Click any article of clothing within a cartoon to achieve it.)

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Another Monkey Cartoon.

What happens when a super smart British lady crouches in the bushes for 56 years? We find out a lot about chimps and also ourselves, since we are their closest relatives, that’s what! Some of what she learned is that, like us, chimps sometimes commit random acts of violence against their own kind and that we, like them, if imprisoned in a zoo, sometimes go crazy and throw poop. Yes, I am intentionally writing this paragraph as a sixth-grade C student might write a school report.

On a different topic, there are NINE secret symbols in this cartoon, so click it, embiggen it, and get started searching!

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These parents are playing one of those rock ‘n’ roll guitar video games, which is reportedly a lot of fun but makes you look pretty goofy. This child has been scarred for life by happening upon it. Do any of you Jazz Pickles have memories of embarrassing things you caught your parents doing when you were a child after you went to bed? Keep the language clean, please.

I actually used to sleepwalk quite a lot as a kid and have a few vague memories of walking into the living room where my parents were watching TV and being led gently back to bed. Another time I was awakened in the middle of the night by my parents bursting loudly and frantically into my room and turning the light on. They were visibly terrified and told me that I had screamed (in my sleep, apparently) in such a blood-curdling way that they were sure I was being attacked or kidnapped. I didn’t even remember having a nightmare. So strange.

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Somebody in some comments somewhere scolded me regarding this cartoon for making fun of depression because it is a serious illness. Yes, it is. I’ve suffered from it my entire adult life, starting when I was about 19. I was on antidepressants from 1996 until two years ago, when I quit. (The safe, medically recommended way.) Since then, I’ve been able to manage my depression pretty well with meditation, positive thinking, and staying busy on art projects that feed my soul, like oil painting. (Cartoons are fun but they don’t have as powerful an effect on me, probably because they are a business with deadlines.) Anyway, reading that placebos work as well for depression as do antidepressants made me change the way I thought about it. It isn’t to say that depression isn’t real or that antidepressants are phony, it says that the power of the mind to heal itself (and the rest of the body) is more powerful than we often realize. It isn’t easy to tap into that power, but it is possible. I’m not advocating this approach for everyone, I’m just saying that for me in this case, it’s working pretty well. Though it isn’t always easy. One small part is to realize that feeling good all the time isn’t a natural state of being and to just relax and be more accepting and less troubled by feeling anxious or depressed from time to time.

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A few weeks back I did a cartoon about the growing LGBT list of sexual identities and I got some flak from people who thought I was ridiculing non-hetero folks. I apologized appropriately for the misunderstanding and admitted that the cartoon was poorly worded and could easily have been seen that way. (I can be a jerk but I don’t like being seen as a jerk in a way that I’m not actually a jerk. And I have zero tolerance for homophobia, hence my revulsion at the thought of being seen that way.)

With the cartoon above, I only got one complaint from a dude who seemed to just want me to be homophobic so he could hate me. Whatever. Truth is, I didn’t think I’d get a lot of heat from this gag because it isn’t ridiculing anyone, it’s simply pointing out that our attempt to label every single type of sexual identity, preference, orientation, and lifestyle is a very unwieldy process that has no logical end. I think eventually our society will get to a place where we don’t have to label ourselves, we can just be who we are and nobody will give a shit what we do in our private moments or with whom we do it. Perhaps I’m being overly optimistic, though. Somehow, I think bigots will always be with us.

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Here is a cartoon about a very stupid criminal. Stupid people committing crimes is one of my favorite things, actually. There are any number of stupid criminal examples on the Interwebs that will make you smile. If you are a stupid criminal and you resent my making fun of you in this way, you can leave a nasty comment but I won’t apologize.

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This Egyptian cartoon tickles me for a couple of reasons. One is that imagining people from great civilizations of the ancient past talking like modern-day nitwits instead of thoughtful British intellectuals like they do in Hollywood films is funny. The other is the unquenchable thirst our species has for magical solutions, which I also find amusing. If you’re one of those folks who believes it is possible that aliens built or taught the ancient Egyptians to build pyramids is reasonable, you’re probably miffed right now imagining the smug look on my face as I typed that last sentence. See? I told you I could be a jerk.

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I don’t usually care much about the latest technology, but I am actually fascinated by self-driving cars. The technology isn’t totally there yet, but it is sufficient to easily see how self-driving cars can and will be far more safe than human drivers. In my opinion, almost anything would be a safer way to drive a car than letting just any old human do it. Driving tests are not nearly hard enough to ensure safe driving.

That’s it for me this week, Jazz Pickles. It is always so rewarding to spend time with you in this manner. Thanks for your donations, monthly contributions, purchase of my occasional books and your newspaper subscriptions. Without you, I’d not be able to afford this ludicrous activity I call a career.



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(To embiggenate any image, click on your favorite color in that cartoon.)

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Bizarro is brought to you today by A Reason To Look Forward To Mondays. Or Not.

I’ve enjoyed optical illusions since childhood, so this cartoon about them was fun to draw. Unfortunately, you can’t incorporate most optical illusions into a street scene (like this one, which only appears to be moving), so I had to rely on tricks of perspective and such, most of which were inspired by the great draftsman, M. C. Escher. I don’t know how many illusions there are in this picture, but here’s a list of the ones I can see. 1) Window at top left is the wrong perspective for that wall 2) Pie in lower left corner is too far back not to hit wall (which also makes it look like it’s floating) 3) Man’s foot disappears behind line where sidewalk joins the wall 4) Same man has classic optical illusion on T-shirt (both lines are the same length) 5) Same man’s face looks like a different man’s face if you turn it upside down (an ancient classic illusion) 6) Stick inside folded sign is wrong perspective 7) Man giving money could not reach hat from where he stands 8) Street lamp across street crosses in front of wall in foreground 9) Boy stealing hat from across street 10) Stairs inside doorway across the street are sideways 11) Tire on sports car (1971 Fiat X1/9, by request from a reader) is wrong perspective. 12) background colors on sign is the classic box illusion, seen here. That’s all I can find, let me know if you find more. I didn’t list the two bunnies or the upside-down bird because those things could exist in that space.

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Have you ever worked for a boss who seemed to care about his employees but didn’t quite “get it”? I haven’t, but I’m guessing other people have so here’s a cartoon sort of kind of about that.
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I’ve complained before about people taking my cartoons and changing them for their own purposes and it would seem that with this cartoon I’ve given them the perfect template to do just that. But I’ve also found that most people who do that kind of thing have very little imagination or creativity (hence their need to steal other people’s work) so I suspect I’m fairly safe with this one since the thief would have to add characters to the image to make it mean something other than what it already means.

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This cowboy cartoon had a different caption when I published it in newspapers worldwide last week. It said, “You the one they call The Amarillo Squid?” As I began to post it here just now, I thought of this new caption and think it’s better, so I changed it. Only folks who read this blog will see this version so I hope that makes you feel special in some small way.

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One thing nobody can ever say about me without lying is “Dan Piraro didn’t put enough effort into drawing wrinkly clothing on public servants.” 

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This cartoon about the pollster elicited another political donnybrook on my Bizarro Facadebook page this week. Polls over many years consistently show that an alarming number of Americans are woefully ignorant of simple facts about our government and current events in the news. They just follow the elephant or the donkey, no matter who’s leading it.  (Not unlike the hordes of people in the UK who voted for “Brexit” then after it passed, googled it to find out what it means.) It’s no wonder that Faux News and Trump can get away with what they do.

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Do you feel sorry for this guy or are you creeped out by him? Or both? If you want to explore the subject more deeply, imagine how he manages various daily tasks with his unusual anatomical challenges.

Since the holidays are approaching (at any given moment in time, various holidays are approaching) I’d be remiss if I didn’t remind you of some amazing gift ideas, your purchase of which will enable Olive Oyl and me to continue to eat daily and live indoors. The following list is arranged from cheapest to most not-cheapest.

Bizarro Tip Jar (okay, it’s only a gift to me, but I’ve been entertaining you for years for free so maybe toss a few bucks my way from time to time? Options from $1 to $1million.)

Buy a print of your favorite Bizarro cartoon (Go to, click on the calendar link below the cartoon image, find a Bizarro cartoon you like, click “Buy Prints” link below. (Options from $30 to $100.) (P.S. I’m hoping to make this function much simpler in the coming year.)

Buy an even nicer, larger, limited-edition, signed-and-numbered, color print of one of my favorite cartoons ($200) or an original ink drawing of one of my Bizarro cartoons ($1000 to $1200) from an LA art gallery. Those things happen here.

Thanks for paying attention, Jazz Pickles. You make life worth posting about!


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