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Beasts of Beauty

bz panel 05-17-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Do-it-Yourself Dentures.

I used to live with a couple of different women, at different times, and both of them spent a fortune on youth and beauty creams. They were both naturally youthful and beautiful and weren’t the type to wear tons of makeup or fuss over their hair, but their fear of getting old led them to fall prey to the beauty cream racket. It is, by the way, astounding how much that stuff costs. (I don’t like looking older, either, by the way, but I don’t do anything to prevent it other than dye my hair, tape my eyelids up, wear a toupee and a girdle, and shove white Chiclets into the spaces where I’ve lost teeth.) (more…)

Keep Your Pants On

bz panel 04-29-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Airport Security.

I never miss a chance to poke fun at the TSA (Thousands Standing Around) because I am a firm believer that they are the most obvious sign of the terrorists “winning.” We spend billions of dollars a year to enact this absurd charade of security, but tests that the TSA runs on its own system have reportedly routinely shown that it is still fairly easy to smuggle knives and guns on board an airplane.  One story I’ve heard is that an undercover agent for the TSA managed to smuggle a huge bag of deadly snakes on board by dying them orange and claiming they were super-sized Cheetohs. I mean, come on!  Whatever the case, I’m convinced that the shoes and liquids thing are complete nonsense that could be done away with easily without consequence. Most of the process we go through is a political charade to make us feel more secure, when the truth is that (statistically) we never were in that much danger in the first place. (more…)

Wrong in So Many Ways

Bizarro is brought to you today by Literal Bakers.

One of my favorite types of games as a kid were those “find x things wrong with this picture.” Playing that game in Highlights magazine was the only good thing about going to the doctor or dentist. (My parents were too poor to get me a subscription to the magazine, plus, we had no permanent mailing address in the strip mining pit in which we lived.) (more…)

Cartoon Cross-Breeding

Bizarro is brought to you today by Cartoon Hybrids.

There is an unwritten repertoire of cartoon themes into which just about any one-panel gag cartoonist will dip occasionally. The guy-crawling-through-a-desert is one, some other examples are someone-stranded-on-an-island, the psychiatrist couch, guys-chained-to-a-wall-in-a-dungeon (which I’ve never done because it disgusts me), fish-evolving-and-walking-up-a-beach, and ventriloquists. This cartoon combines two of the popular themes in a way that amuses me. If you’ve not seen many of the old-timey time ventriloquists, one of their favorite tricks was to make the dummy talk while the ventriloquist is drinking a glass of water. This is impossible, of course, and is irrefutable evidence that the ventriloquist has sold his soul to the devil in return for a dummy that can actually talk. Sure, it’s great for their career but they will be sorry when they burn in the fires of hell for eternity. Other examples of people who have sold their soul to the devil in return for celebrity are Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Vanilla Ice, Pauley Shore, the  entire cast of “Jersey Shore,” Honey Boo Boo’s mom, Bill O’Reilly, all of the Kardashians. (more…)

Booty Cast Thug Idea Exam Blur

Bizarro is brought to you today by Grizzly Bear Coin Purse.

You’ve stumbled upon this week’s roundup of Bizarro cartoons. First up is this silly little ditty by my known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh. I love this gag and it makes me realize how much has changed in recent years. Not long ago, women worried about have a large butt. Now, with superstar-mondo-caboose celebs like J-Lo and Kim Kardashian, many women wish their butts were bigger. It’s always nice to have a role model, no matter what your body type, I suppose. Here’s what Wayno has to say about this collaboration. (more…)

Elderly Underwear Surgeon Evolution Cat Foot

 

Bizarro is brought to you today by Tiny Pediatrician.

I had a good week in my personal life in that after over a year of living in LA, I finally screwed up the courage to go to the DMV and get my motorcycle and car driver’s licenses, and register my motorcycle in California. She now has a California plate and she couldn’t be more proud. Even more importantly, I don’t have to look over my shoulder constantly for the fuzz. Anyone want to start a bidding war over my old New York State motorcycle plate? I can sign it and draw a self portrait on it! (more…)

Baby Snail Drown Balls Bra Slavery

Bizarro is brought to you today by Big Babies.

Welcome to another weekly roundup of Bizarro cartoons. For this first cartoon, I’ve included the strip version as well as the usual panel version because I put some extra work into the cereal boxes on the shelf and wanted to share them. Lots of “icons” to search for in this one–not that they are hidden. Click on the cartoons to see them biggerer. (more…)

Abs of Mythological Proportions

Bizarro is brought to you today by Bizarro Big Foot.

The “Abominable Snowman” is a creature from the same family as Bigfoot, Sasquatch, and the Yeti. For thousands of years, people all over the world have claimed they have seen these giant, ape/human-like creatures in forests and mountains across the globe.

Science knows little about this ancient species but what we do know is this: They are faster and more cunning than any other species on earth because no matter how many people see them in however many countries, they always manage to escape before anyone can kill or even photograph one properly. The fact that a corpse or skeleton of one has never been found either, tells us they are either immortal or have their own funeral and burial system that hides their bodies more effectively than the impotent minds of humans can discover. (more…)

Vroom Bite Myth Drugs Death Poop

Bizarro is brought to you today by Logo Lust.

 

 

All week long I’ve been fielding questions from readers about this NASCAR cartoon. It’s simple, really: Drivers get paid to wear logos and if this guy was taller, he’d have room for more and make more money. By the way, if you’ve ever wondered what NASCAR stands for: Non-Articulate Snazzy-Car Appalachian Racecardriver. (more…)

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