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>Take A Lap, Maggot!

>Today’s Bizarro brought to you by tiny, creeping gnomes with lumpy hats.

What is a “life coach”? Do I need one? Will he be an overweight jackass with a bad haircut who makes me run laps when I talk back? And more importantly, if I don’t have a good life coach, might I lose? How much time do I have to get ready for the playoffs?

I’ve never been arrested and hope to keep that streak going for a long time, but if ever I am, I hope I can remember to say this line.

>Sporting Sharks and Humans

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Today’s Bizarro cartoon (right) is brought to you by the wonders of electricity. Get some today!

Today’s shark-infested funny is about the appalling habit we humans have of hiding sharp things in food and offering it to animals. We call it “fishing” and convince ourselves that because we can trick animals into hurting themselves, we should. I used to fish as a kid but I grew out of it–much later than I should have, I’m ashamed to say.

Fisherman who throw them back after injuring them are slightly more admirable, in my opinion. At least they admit they’re hurting things for fun and not pretending that eating the victim justifies its suffering. We are a strange species.

The ‘toon below is one I did on the same subject a few years back. Fly fishermen thought it was very funny, admitting the truth behind it. I suppose you have to admire them for “owning it.”

CrazyHNW and I are fostering a baby racoon this weekend – smaller than a newborn kitten. I’ll write about it in my next blog.

Check back for more shenanigans, amigos.

>Heston Addendum

>A few people have left comments here and written to me personally about my comment about Heston being racist. Okay, you caught me – I don’t really know if Charlie was racist. True, he did march with MLK back in the day, but I despised his right wing politics of recent decades and thought his comments in “Bowling For Columbine” seemed fairly racist. Perhaps he was just an elitist and distrusted anyone “beneath” him, no matter their race.

Someone pointed out that Michael Moore is known for stretching the truth and I’m sure that’s true. But no matter how you edit it, Heston’s own words in that film are pretty damning, and he made some very callous remarks immediately after the Columbine tragedy. He was obviously much more concerned with protecting his gun ownership than the plight of the victims and their families.

Others have said they enjoyed his films. I did, too. He was one of the great over-actors of his day and I always found him entertaining to watch. In recent years, when he got all riled up at NRA rallies, raised a rifle over his head and said in his best Moses voice, “From my cold, dead, fingers!” he seemed very much as though he believed he was currently living on the planet of the apes.

And, in fact, he was.

>DingDong, the Witch, is Dead

>Just heard that actor, racist, and violence advocate Charlton Heston died last night. If you’re wondering about my dark opinion of Charlie, see his interview in the film “Bowling for Columbine.”

Here is a cartoon I did about him a few years ago. I got waves of hate mail from rabid NRA members, who worshiped him as a messiah. If his body disappears from his tomb in three days and he returns to save the country from pacifism, I will stand corrected.

>Valentine's Day – Grand or Grim?

>Your feelings about this day depend entirely on your love life. When I was a kid, we decorated white paper bags and put them on a shelf in the classroom and everyone put a valentine in everyone else’s bag, whether you liked them or not. A strange ritual for prepubescents on a day designed for lovers.

In middle school it became a public test of your attractiveness to the opposite sex. Just what you need at the most vulnerable time of your life. It made for a miserable and anxious day for virtually every student in the school – faculty members likely went home with hormone poisoning just from breathing the air. I can only imagine how gay and lesbian students dealt with it.

As adults, if you’re in a relationship you’re happy with, you’re cool. If you’re not, this day sucks. It also sucks for those in relationships with difficult people who expect the day to be perfect and mope for days if it isn’t. I was in a relationship like that once and I dreaded Valentine’s Day and her birthday more than my yearly colonoscopy.

Whatever VD means to you (pun intended), I hope you’re well today. Here are a couple of cartoons on the subject that may give you a smile.


>Valentine’s Day – Grand or Grim?

>Your feelings about this day depend entirely on your love life. When I was a kid, we decorated white paper bags and put them on a shelf in the classroom and everyone put a valentine in everyone else’s bag, whether you liked them or not. A strange ritual for prepubescents on a day designed for lovers.

In middle school it became a public test of your attractiveness to the opposite sex. Just what you need at the most vulnerable time of your life. It made for a miserable and anxious day for virtually every student in the school – faculty members likely went home with hormone poisoning just from breathing the air. I can only imagine how gay and lesbian students dealt with it.

As adults, if you’re in a relationship you’re happy with, you’re cool. If you’re not, this day sucks. It also sucks for those in relationships with difficult people who expect the day to be perfect and mope for days if it isn’t. I was in a relationship like that once and I dreaded Valentine’s Day and her birthday more than my yearly colonoscopy.

Whatever VD means to you (pun intended), I hope you’re well today. Here are a couple of cartoons on the subject that may give you a smile.


>National Pie Tragedy

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As most of you know, January 23rd – today, unless my medication needs adjusting – is National Pie Day. Since I include a piece of pie in almost all of my cartoons and have done so for years, one would naturally assume that I would be a fundamental part of this great celebration. But I have been snubbed.

All across the land people are rejoicing, families are gathering and giving thanks, congregations are praying, school children are singing about pie. But not one word is being uttered about Bizarro, which celebrates pie not just on a single day in January, but all year long. I wasn’t asked to ride in a parade atop a pie made of geraniums, I wasn’t interviewed by USA Today, I wasn’t a guest on Larry King Live. I wasn’t even called by some corny morning DJ to talk live on the air about what this day means to me. Instead, my wife and I will celebrate quietly in our tiny Brooklyn apartment with our two cats and a half-dozen (vegan) pies.

I blame capitalism. Greedy retailers have taken all the meaning out of National Pie Day and turned it into a money-grubbing orgy of merchandise and services. What once was a meaningful celebration of a time-honored staple in every person’s life, has become another way to line our pockets with soul-draining cash and fill our homes with useless baubles and electronic gizmos to distract us from the real meaning of pie.

Let us not forget on this special day, that pie is not about cash and gifts and merchandise. It’s about flaky crust. It’s about juicy fruits and syrupy goodness, shared with family and friends. It’s about the bounty of Mother Nature’s Bosom, flowing forth with fruits and vegetables and grains, captured at their paramount in a round, portable disk of life-giving flavor.

Without pie, we would be nothing more than a nation of cartilage-gnawing barbarians.

http://www.piecouncil.org/national.htm

>Refugees Unite!

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Badly designed, impossible to navigate, ugly, loud, depressing, reeking of death. How did this beast that is eating the fabric of our civilization and puking it up on the shoes of our future achieve such popularity? I might be talking about the Bush War, but in this case I’m referring to MySpace.

I had a blog on MySpace for a while and it made my colon throb. And not in a good way. So, at the helpful advice of many of you, my readers, I abandoned it like the religion I was raised in and moved over to Blogger. I pray to the multitude of gods I no longer believe in (proud atheist) that it treats me – and you – well.

The groovy photo below is of me the night I met Dennis Kucinich and his wife, Elizabeth. I am a fan of his philosophies and politics and was thrilled to discover he has been a fan of my cartoons. (We’re both ethical vegans) He’s very charming and affable and I gave him one of my new books. I always pull a wagon full of books behind me in case I meet someone I admire.

More in a week or so. Hope you like the new blog and please tell your friends, family, and enemies all about it!
Smooches,
Dan

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