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Academic Bludgeon Duck

Bizarro 11-23-14 hdrWEB Bizarro 11-23-14 WEBBizarro is brought to you today by Things That Add to Your Worship.

My effervescent and sublime life partner, Olive Oyl, came up with the idea for today’s cartoon. The breadth of her skills continues to amaze me and I consider myself a very lucky man.

If you’ve ever played the enduring classic board game, “Clue,” you’ll doubtless recognize Professor Plum as he enters the Office of Admission and admits what he’s done. I got a good chuckle from it and I hope you do, too. Plus, even though the drawing is not particularly complex, there are still 5 secret symbols to search for. Click the image for a larger view.

Prehistarros: From the pile of Sunday cartoons in the corner of my basement labeled “1999″ comes this rendition of the traditional “Is there a doctor in the house?” trope. Jazz Pickles with keener observational skills will notice that I make a cameo appearance in the audience. bizarro 04-04-99a WEB

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love Amputation Kids Computers

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As my regular readers know, I’ve been through two divorces and cannot recommend the experience. All that is in the distant past now but now and then a nice divorce gag occurs to me. When your job is coming up with a fresh gag 365 days a year, anything that goes into your head is likely to come back out later as a cartoon or twelve.

 

Mr. Potato Head is a fun trope for cartoons but so many have been done that it’s tough to come up with a new one. This time, I went dark.

 

 

As a person over “a certain age” it still amazes me how computers have become second nature for the young. I often have to ask a member of a younger generation to solve tech problems for me. I’ve still got them beat when it comes to philosophy, though.

 

BIZARRO BOOMERANG: From 1999 is this cartoon I did along the same lines. Zack Berry was the little kid who lived next door to me way back then. bizarro 02-22-99 WEB

Bear Blog Mouse Eskimo

bz panel 11-17-14bz strip 11-17-14bz panel 11-18-14bz strip 11-18-14bz panel 11-19-14bz strip 11-19-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Freudian Typo.

Insider tip: Don’t bother calling Teddy Bear Headquarters on a Monday. Those dudes are some picnic-loving freaks.

 

 

 

 

 

Insider tip: Don’t use a therapist who has a blog on which he features highlights from each week’s therapy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Insider tip: Mice taxis are notoriously inefficient. But when you’re spending your life in a rodent prison, it’s worth a try.

 

 

 

PREBIZTORICALS: Did someone say, “What’s in your archives today, Dan?” No? Well, maybe they did and I didn’t hear them so here’s something from 1999. bizarro 01-29-99EskimoWEB

Basketboulder

Bizarro 11-16-14 hdrWEB Bizarro 11-16-14 WEB(Click any image for a bigger look!)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Why Wash When You Can Bash?

My mind wandered recently about the beginning of basketball and wondered what they used for the ball before modern technology created what we now use. Going further back, I imagined this scene of a couple of cave dudes fighting over a boulder. Since I am not a terribly tall person (3’7″) I’m always last to be picked for basketball teams. That is, until they find out that I can fly, and also become invisible at will. Who’s laughing now, tall people?

NEW TOPIC: There are only FOUR DAYS left to nab one of my limited-edition Bizarro Jazz Pickle T-shirts!

After that, this design (3rd in a series) will disappear forever, the way most people wish Kim Kardashian would.

Black line work on light shirts here.                   White line work on dark shirts here.

Because Adam Levine and Scarlett Johansson were recently voted “sexiest human members of their species and sexes,” here’s what they would look like in my T-shirt. (Available in many styles and colors, not just short-sleeves and orange.) Aren’t they sexy? You will be, too. AdamScarlett

Butts, Knock-Offs, Cosplay

bz panel 11-13-14bz strip 11-13-14bz panel 11-14-14bz strip 11-14-14bz panel 11-15-14bz strip 11-15-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Useful Government Institutions.

I thought this “Rear Admiral” gag was a harmless bit of slapstick fun but at least one reader who left a comment thought it was “absolutely classless especially around  veterans day.” (That person must REALLY hate Beetle Baily.)  I generally tend to think that no one is above having a bit of fun poked at them, especially those in authority. What do you think? Should military personnel be held sacred when it comes to cartoons?

I just realized that both of these first two cartoons posted here are about butts and coincided with Kim Kardashian’s butt breakage of the Internet. Must be a full moon this week. (To find the previous link, I googled “Kim Kardashian’s Ass.” As is Google’s habit, this appeared at the top of the page.)

This next cartoon is as sad as it is amusing. I wish the world were a kinder place but alas, it ain’t.

 

BIZARRO OF THE LIVING DEAD: This Sunday gag from 2001 still tickles my funny bone. I hope you get a smile out of it. (Click this image to see it larger, but not as large as Kardashian’s seat cushion.)Bizarro04-01-01CatDogWEB

 

 

Cluck Brag Kiss Shout

bz panel 11-10-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Food Discrimination.

Here’s a lovely pastoral view of a truly free-range chicken farm where some of its residents are planning a vacation. It is nothing like where real chickens come from.

 

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I’ve been giving a lot of thought recently about the important things in life and have decided that the amount of money and “things” you have isn’t one of them.

 

 

 

 

This idea from my good friend, Cliff Harris the King of Wordplay is a bit dated, but only if you don’t know jack-shit about history. Henry Kissinger was once one of the most powerful people in the world. Now he’s relegated to a carnival midway booth, which is both deep and funny, if you look at it a certain way.

BYGONE BIZARRO: Here’s a fun one from 2000bizarro 09-01-00WEB. If you’ve ever been in a recording studio, you’ll find this hilarious.

Funeral Rash Hitman

Bizarro is brought to you today by No, Don’t.

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I particularly like this first cartoon about a unique funeral. It’s got all the things I like in a cartoon: absurdity, irreverence, a clergyman, towels, a funny picture, and, though it seems this specialized ceremony went pretty smoothly up to this point, what happens next is up to the reader to imagine.

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I once had crosshatching on my ass and it scared the crap out of me until I realized I had sat on a drawing on which the ink had not quite dried.  No, I do not cartoon in the nude, but I sometimes store drawings in the back of my pants.

In case you missed yesterday’s post, I have a new, limited-edition Bizarro Jazz Pickle T-shirt on sale for the next 12 days only. After that, the design is gone for good. The character on this shirt is an integral part of my new Bizarro.com website, which goes live on Monday! There are lots of colors and styles to choose from so check out the dropdown menu. Great gift idea, don’t you think? See the whole shebang being offered here.

Here’s what Jerry Lewis looks like in one.

BIZARRO BASEMENT: From the archival sewer pipes in the section clearly marked “1996,” I bring you this magical moment from the Sicilian version of Cinderella.Bizarro02-09-96WEB

 

Quintuple Cavalcade of Comedy

Bizarro is brought to you today by Tiny Alien.

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Monday: Dogs are funny. Dogs without electronics are just sad. (Get a print of this cartoon.)

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Tuesday: I was on a jury once for a one-day civil trial and it was boring as hell. I can imagine after a long trial wishing that someone would kill me. (Get a print of this cartoon.)

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Wednesday: Some birds dig predigested worms and bugs from their mother’s throat when they’re young. This guy is one of those, but he needs to grow up. (Get a print of this cartoon.)

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Thursday: If you find yourself tempted to believe that any substantial amount of America’s problems are being caused by illegal aliens, remind yourself that historically this is an ancient technique by dishonest governments to shift blame. And it almost always works. In this case, the corporations who run our country and their puppet politicians say, “Yes, things are lousy, but it isn’t our fault. It’s their fault!” Then they point to illegals, gay marriage, abortion clinics, terrorists, climate change scientists, whatever “other” they can find to unite the rest of us against something other than those in charge. Don’t fall for it. You’re smarter than that. (Get a print of this cartoon)

DEJA VIEW: Since Tuesday was Election* Day in the U.S., here’s a cartoon from 2001 in which I recommended some things I thought could improve the country. None of my suggestions were followed as near as I can tell.Bizarro02-11-01WEB

*A choice between two politicians already chosen by the corporations who run America.

Travel Secrets Therapy

Bizarro 11-02-14 hdrWEB Bizarro 11-02-14 WEB(For enbiggened views of any of these images, click on any human hand.)

 

Bizarro is brought to you today by My Daughter, Krelspeth as Hall and Oates.

If you’re planning a trip to Europe, be sure to catch some of the sites mentioned below. Anyone sending me a photo of themselves in front of one of these Old World treasures will win a signed photo of me being carried piggyback by the Pope. (Offer good while supplies last.)

JAZZ PICKLE JAR: For dessert today, I bring you this Halloween cartoon from 1999. When I wrote this gag I had only visited California, but now that I live here I can report that this kind of general attitude isn’t prevalent, but is certainly more common than it is anywhere else I’ve lived or visited. There is an openness and civility in California that most places don’t share in large quantities and it makes it a more relaxed and peaceful place to live. Of course, I moved here after 10 years in New York, which is pretty much the opposite in every way. Bizarro10-31-99FrankensteinWEBI still find the absurdity of this cartoon funny, however.

 

Halloween Cartoons

bz panel 10-27-14bz strip 10-27-14bz panel 10-28-14bz strip 10-28-14bz panel 10-29-14bz strip 10-29-14bz panel 10-30-14bz strip 10-30-14bz panel 10-31-14bz strip 10-31-14bz panel 11-01-14bz strip 11-01-14Bizarro is brought to you today by My Producer Jon Kroll and me on the Set of Utopia This Week.

I had a busy week and didn’t get around to posting anything on Wednesday as I usually do, so here is the entire week of Bizarro cartoons in review. I’ll post my Sunday Bizarro tomorrow.

 

Monday: One of America’s most desired bachelors finally got married recently so I used his name for this gag. I admit I’ve never participated in online dating of any kind, but I can imagine the challenges involved and have heard plenty of hilarious stories from friends who’ve been unpleasantly surprised by their date. None have had this exact experience, however.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday: Here we begin some Halloween fun. My German buddy, Michael Roth, came up with this zombie pun and I thought you Jazz Pickles might enjoy it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wednesday: A friend of mine pointed out that the woman in this cartoon is using the back of the sewing machine. That kind of closed-minded bigotry is just the sort of thing that is ruining America. I don’t want to live in a country where a person can’t use whatever side of a sewing machine that they choose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thursday: If you don’t get this gag, it’s likely because you’ve never been to a restaurant that offers “wraps”. It’s basically just a traditional sandwich wrapped in something floppy like a tortilla or giant leaf of something green instead of bread. You’re not missing much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friday: I love this gag even though I know that various permutations of this same concept have likely been cartooned before. I admit that I used to look down at women who use Halloween as an excuse to dress like “sluts” but after reading “Sex at Dawn” (I highly recommend this book to anyone who can read) I now see it as another innocent display of our species’ ubiquitous oppression of our basic sexual nature. Yes, I’m serious. Personally, I’m a hardcore monogamist, but I firmly believe that a loosening of our puritanical ideas about sex would be a very good thing for all of us individually and human cultures all over the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday: I should have run this cartoon on Halloween but I wanted to run the sexy one instead. So, no, this woman isn’t showing up a day after Halloween, early for next year, but is meant to be trick-or-treating with her unborn child a year early. This was inspired by a woman I know who cannot stop talking about “mommyhood” to the mild chagrin of those around her.

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