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Evil Turkey Stuffing Aliens

bz panel 11-24-14bz strip 11-24-14bz panel 11-25-14bz strip 11-25-14bz panel 11-26-14bz strip 11-26-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Being Your Own Pet.

An email buddy of mine, Michael Lagace, sent me the idea of an “evil Knievel” twin and this is how I used it. I had a good time drawing Evel, as he was one of my childhood heroes. The kids in my neighborhood and I used to build ramps out of plywood and stacks of old tires or whatever we could get hold of to prop it up, then jump our bicycles over it at great speed. Yes, it was dangerous, and bones were broken. For all I know, Knievel may be the person for whom the ubiquitous statement, “Don’t try this at home!” was invented.

 

 

Now that it’s Thanksgiving week in the U.S., I’ve drawn some holiday cartoons. More to come in the next couple of days. As my regular readers know, I’m an ethical vegan, meaning I don’t buy or consume anything that contains the products from an animal’s suffering. I don’t evangelize anymore, but am always happy to discuss it when asked, or talk about it on my blog when moved to do so. I’ve come to see the planet as a large organism with billions of working parts, and humans are but a tiny, dispensable part of that. Accordingly, I try not to do anything to cause unnecessary damage or suffering to my host or my fellow earthlings. I truly think the human race acts like a cancer on this organism, consuming it until we kill it or it kills us, the latter being the most inevitable result. I’ve become convinced that we will be responsible for our own demise in the near future if we don’t adopt these kinds of attitudes and practices worldwide. I have no delusions that this shift in the human paradigm will happen in my lifetime, of course, so I’m preparing for extinction. :^}

BIZOMBIES: On a lighter note, here’s a view of what Thanksgiving for extraterrestrial creatures with similar attitudes to ours might look like.bizarro 01-06-08 ThanksgivingWEB

Academic Bludgeon Duck

Bizarro 11-23-14 hdrWEB Bizarro 11-23-14 WEBBizarro is brought to you today by Things That Add to Your Worship.

My effervescent and sublime life partner, Olive Oyl, came up with the idea for today’s cartoon. The breadth of her skills continues to amaze me and I consider myself a very lucky man.

If you’ve ever played the enduring classic board game, “Clue,” you’ll doubtless recognize Professor Plum as he enters the Office of Admission and admits what he’s done. I got a good chuckle from it and I hope you do, too. Plus, even though the drawing is not particularly complex, there are still 5 secret symbols to search for. Click the image for a larger view.

Prehistarros: From the pile of Sunday cartoons in the corner of my basement labeled “1999” comes this rendition of the traditional “Is there a doctor in the house?” trope. Jazz Pickles with keener observational skills will notice that I make a cameo appearance in the audience. bizarro 04-04-99a WEB

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love Amputation Kids Computers

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As my regular readers know, I’ve been through two divorces and cannot recommend the experience. All that is in the distant past now but now and then a nice divorce gag occurs to me. When your job is coming up with a fresh gag 365 days a year, anything that goes into your head is likely to come back out later as a cartoon or twelve.

 

Mr. Potato Head is a fun trope for cartoons but so many have been done that it’s tough to come up with a new one. This time, I went dark.

 

 

As a person over “a certain age” it still amazes me how computers have become second nature for the young. I often have to ask a member of a younger generation to solve tech problems for me. I’ve still got them beat when it comes to philosophy, though.

 

BIZARRO BOOMERANG: From 1999 is this cartoon I did along the same lines. Zack Berry was the little kid who lived next door to me way back then. bizarro 02-22-99 WEB

Bear Blog Mouse Eskimo

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Insider tip: Don’t bother calling Teddy Bear Headquarters on a Monday. Those dudes are some picnic-loving freaks.

 

 

 

 

 

Insider tip: Don’t use a therapist who has a blog on which he features highlights from each week’s therapy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Insider tip: Mice taxis are notoriously inefficient. But when you’re spending your life in a rodent prison, it’s worth a try.

 

 

 

PREBIZTORICALS: Did someone say, “What’s in your archives today, Dan?” No? Well, maybe they did and I didn’t hear them so here’s something from 1999. bizarro 01-29-99EskimoWEB

Basketboulder

Bizarro 11-16-14 hdrWEB Bizarro 11-16-14 WEB(Click any image for a bigger look!)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Why Wash When You Can Bash?

My mind wandered recently about the beginning of basketball and wondered what they used for the ball before modern technology created what we now use. Going further back, I imagined this scene of a couple of cave dudes fighting over a boulder. Since I am not a terribly tall person (3’7″) I’m always last to be picked for basketball teams. That is, until they find out that I can fly, and also become invisible at will. Who’s laughing now, tall people?

NEW TOPIC: There are only FOUR DAYS left to nab one of my limited-edition Bizarro Jazz Pickle T-shirts!

After that, this design (3rd in a series) will disappear forever, the way most people wish Kim Kardashian would.

Black line work on light shirts here.                   White line work on dark shirts here.

Because Adam Levine and Scarlett Johansson were recently voted “sexiest human members of their species and sexes,” here’s what they would look like in my T-shirt. (Available in many styles and colors, not just short-sleeves and orange.) Aren’t they sexy? You will be, too. AdamScarlett

Butts, Knock-Offs, Cosplay

bz panel 11-13-14bz strip 11-13-14bz panel 11-14-14bz strip 11-14-14bz panel 11-15-14bz strip 11-15-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Useful Government Institutions.

I thought this “Rear Admiral” gag was a harmless bit of slapstick fun but at least one reader who left a comment thought it was “absolutely classless especially around  veterans day.” (That person must REALLY hate Beetle Baily.)  I generally tend to think that no one is above having a bit of fun poked at them, especially those in authority. What do you think? Should military personnel be held sacred when it comes to cartoons?

I just realized that both of these first two cartoons posted here are about butts and coincided with Kim Kardashian’s butt breakage of the Internet. Must be a full moon this week. (To find the previous link, I googled “Kim Kardashian’s Ass.” As is Google’s habit, this appeared at the top of the page.)

This next cartoon is as sad as it is amusing. I wish the world were a kinder place but alas, it ain’t.

 

BIZARRO OF THE LIVING DEAD: This Sunday gag from 2001 still tickles my funny bone. I hope you get a smile out of it. (Click this image to see it larger, but not as large as Kardashian’s seat cushion.)Bizarro04-01-01CatDogWEB

 

 

Cluck Brag Kiss Shout

bz panel 11-10-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Food Discrimination.

Here’s a lovely pastoral view of a truly free-range chicken farm where some of its residents are planning a vacation. It is nothing like where real chickens come from.

 

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I’ve been giving a lot of thought recently about the important things in life and have decided that the amount of money and “things” you have isn’t one of them.

 

 

 

 

This idea from my good friend, Cliff Harris the King of Wordplay is a bit dated, but only if you don’t know jack-shit about history. Henry Kissinger was once one of the most powerful people in the world. Now he’s relegated to a carnival midway booth, which is both deep and funny, if you look at it a certain way.

BYGONE BIZARRO: Here’s a fun one from 2000bizarro 09-01-00WEB. If you’ve ever been in a recording studio, you’ll find this hilarious.

Funeral Rash Hitman

Bizarro is brought to you today by No, Don’t.

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I particularly like this first cartoon about a unique funeral. It’s got all the things I like in a cartoon: absurdity, irreverence, a clergyman, towels, a funny picture, and, though it seems this specialized ceremony went pretty smoothly up to this point, what happens next is up to the reader to imagine.

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I once had crosshatching on my ass and it scared the crap out of me until I realized I had sat on a drawing on which the ink had not quite dried.  No, I do not cartoon in the nude, but I sometimes store drawings in the back of my pants.

In case you missed yesterday’s post, I have a new, limited-edition Bizarro Jazz Pickle T-shirt on sale for the next 12 days only. After that, the design is gone for good. The character on this shirt is an integral part of my new Bizarro.com website, which goes live on Monday! There are lots of colors and styles to choose from so check out the dropdown menu. Great gift idea, don’t you think? See the whole shebang being offered here.

Here’s what Jerry Lewis looks like in one.

BIZARRO BASEMENT: From the archival sewer pipes in the section clearly marked “1996,” I bring you this magical moment from the Sicilian version of Cinderella.Bizarro02-09-96WEB

 

Quintuple Cavalcade of Comedy

Bizarro is brought to you today by Tiny Alien.

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Monday: Dogs are funny. Dogs without electronics are just sad. (Get a print of this cartoon.)

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Tuesday: I was on a jury once for a one-day civil trial and it was boring as hell. I can imagine after a long trial wishing that someone would kill me. (Get a print of this cartoon.)

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Wednesday: Some birds dig predigested worms and bugs from their mother’s throat when they’re young. This guy is one of those, but he needs to grow up. (Get a print of this cartoon.)

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Thursday: If you find yourself tempted to believe that any substantial amount of America’s problems are being caused by illegal aliens, remind yourself that historically this is an ancient technique by dishonest governments to shift blame. And it almost always works. In this case, the corporations who run our country and their puppet politicians say, “Yes, things are lousy, but it isn’t our fault. It’s their fault!” Then they point to illegals, gay marriage, abortion clinics, terrorists, climate change scientists, whatever “other” they can find to unite the rest of us against something other than those in charge. Don’t fall for it. You’re smarter than that. (Get a print of this cartoon)

DEJA VIEW: Since Tuesday was Election* Day in the U.S., here’s a cartoon from 2001 in which I recommended some things I thought could improve the country. None of my suggestions were followed as near as I can tell.Bizarro02-11-01WEB

*A choice between two politicians already chosen by the corporations who run America.

Travel Secrets Therapy

Bizarro 11-02-14 hdrWEB Bizarro 11-02-14 WEB(For enbiggened views of any of these images, click on any human hand.)

 

Bizarro is brought to you today by My Daughter, Krelspeth as Hall and Oates.

If you’re planning a trip to Europe, be sure to catch some of the sites mentioned below. Anyone sending me a photo of themselves in front of one of these Old World treasures will win a signed photo of me being carried piggyback by the Pope. (Offer good while supplies last.)

JAZZ PICKLE JAR: For dessert today, I bring you this Halloween cartoon from 1999. When I wrote this gag I had only visited California, but now that I live here I can report that this kind of general attitude isn’t prevalent, but is certainly more common than it is anywhere else I’ve lived or visited. There is an openness and civility in California that most places don’t share in large quantities and it makes it a more relaxed and peaceful place to live. Of course, I moved here after 10 years in New York, which is pretty much the opposite in every way. Bizarro10-31-99FrankensteinWEBI still find the absurdity of this cartoon funny, however.

 

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