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Holiday Hangover

bz panel 07-28-14bz strip 07-28-14bz panel 07-29-14bz strip 07-29-14bz panel 07-30-14bz strip 07-30-14bz panel 07-31-14bz strip 07-31-14bz panel 08-01-14bz strip 08-01-14bz panel 08-02-14bz strip 08-02-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Attack of the 50 Foot Boy.

The adorable Olive Oyl and I were on vacation last week and though we have been back since Monday, I’ve had no time to post here because this past week has been a hectic whirlwind of chaos, mayhem, and shenanigans of all kinds as I try to get caught up. As anyone who’s ever had a vacation knows, getting back into the rhythm of “real life” after you’ve spent seven days drinking margaritas from noon till midnight is like trying to put a giraffe in a car without a sunroof. Yes, that is a clumsy analogy but I’ve been drinking tequila all day, every day for a week and my brain is soft. For anyone who cares, we had an amazing time and here’s proof.

So here is this past week’s cartoons. I vaguely remember having seen them before and my signature appears on all of them so I guess they’re mine.

 

1. I’m all for adopting highways but then there’s always the chance they’ll up and run off someday, trying to find their real parents.

 

 

 

 

2. How do they know when I’m listening to NPR?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. How amazing would it be if you died and actually found yourself in cartoon heaven, with wings and a large O-ring floating above your head? Sounds boring.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. At open-casket funerals, people often say the corpse “looks natural.” I’ve been to a few and they look anything but natural. Unless you mean they look dead, which is a part of nature.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. I actually wrote this restaurant cartoon after my first divorce, back in 1996, but since I’m going through it again it seemed like a good time to revisit the topic. After all the artillery fire is over and peace has returned to your village, it’s good to be able to laugh at how angry someone we once loved and trusted can make us. The silver lining is that after each divorce, my life improved immeasurably. I can’t wait to do it again! (Last line to be read with dripping sarcasm.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. A friend of mine, Bob the museum guard, pointed out to me that I’ve done a lot of “bad dog” cartoons lately. It isn’t because my own sweet Jemima has been a bad dog lately, she hasn’t, but when I first adopted her she was still young and added to the chaos of my life with alarming regularity. She’s calming down a lot lately––I think it’s because I introduced her to meditation. That’s her, more or less, on the far right. She’s taken to wearing glasses and a hat these days, but I depicted her naked in this cartoon.

Super Villain Flies

Bizarro 07-27-14 HdrWEB Bizarro 07-27-14 WEB(Click any image to make it seem larger.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Homeopathic Hair Replacement.

This is my last day of vacation so my next post will be full of verbosity. If you care.

 

Today’s cartoon is a bit of a soft gag, I suppose, but I just thought it would be really funny to impose Hollywood action film rules on actual life for a moment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A fun bit of Jazz Pickle trivia: I used the same boardroom drawing for this gag as I did in the one below from Bizarro 07-21-13 FlyBoardroomWEB2013. Compare and contrast.

Legal Hair Wisdom

bz panel 07-24-14bz strip 07-24-14bz panel 07-25-14bz strip 07-25-14bz panel 07-26-14bz strip 07-26-14Bizarro is brought to you today by What Was Eeyore’s Crime?

I’m on vacation this week so I’m keeping my blog comments brief.

 

 

 

Thursday’s cartoon: This one is autobiographical. If you live long enough, chances are it will be for you, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friday’s cartoon: This one is autobiographical, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday’s cartoon: This has never happened to me.

Spider on a Plane

Bizarro 07-20-14 HedrWEB Bizarro 07-20-14 WEB bizarro 06-14-98 tall shipWEB(click on any image to make it more huge)

 

Bizarro is brought to you today by My Invisible Friend.

I’m on vacation this week so I’m keeping my blog comments brief. I hope you more loyal Jazz Pickles will forgive me.

Here’s my cartoon for today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s a cartoon I did in 1998 that I thought you might like.

Dog Amputee Monster Dog

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Dung Beetle.

I’m on vacation this week and keeping my blog posts short!

 

 

 

Thursday’s cartoon: My dog would do this. No doubt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friday’s cartoon: My dog would not do this. Especially if the kid had snacks. She would shred homework, though, judging by the way she treats mail.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday’s fare: My buddy Eric Scott thought of this pun. I like it and I like black beans.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BIZARRO FROM THE BLACK LAGOON: Here’s another example of dogs’ pesky habit of masticating the fruit of children’s sweat. (Which is illegal in 29 states.)bz001030DogsWEB

Jobs Imposter Indians Indians

bz panel 07-14-14bz strip 07-14-14bz panel 07-15-14bz strip 07-15-14bz panel 07-16-14bz strip 07-16-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Immigration Ego Battles.

This first cartoon was inspired by the fact that I’ve got a couple of very smart, hardworking, talented, adult daughters who found it very difficult to find meaningful work when they graduated college. Of course, their degrees in 16th century transportation innovations of the Berbers, and Poetry of the Malagasy Republic may have something to do with it, but still. You’d think someone would want to hire these amazing young women that I personally groomed to be valuable contributors to the planet. Even so, I’m happy to report that both are living indoors and eating daily and that neither has ever worked for life-destroying corporations like McDonalds.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In our Cap’n Crunch vs. The Bus Driver cartoon, my buddy Andy and I muse about an alternative meaning to the “Not in Service” sign on the front of off-duty buses.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I was a kid I often wondered how two peoples from different parts of the world were both called “Indians.” There was no Internet when I was a child, neither of my parents spoke English and we lived in a remote cabin in Siberia, so there was no way for me to find out until much later. Here now, all these years later, is a cartoon about it. (Yes, I know that “Indian” is not the moniker of choice for living descendants of those people who first inhabited the Western Hemisphere, but that’s not what this cartoon is about anyway, so keep your sanctimony for another time.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

BIZOMBIES: Here’s another take from 2004 on the Indian vs. Indian debate. I like this one a lot and it remains one of my favorite cartoons of mine ten years later. I hope it brings some small corner of your brain some momentary pleasure. (For a larger view, click the elephant’s butt.)Bizarro RealIndian 03-28-04WEB

Sunday Punnies #35

Bizarro 07-13-14 hedrWEbBizarro 07-13-14 WEB(To see an enbigginated version of any of these cartoons, tap them with your clicker.)

 

Bizarro is brought to you today by Self Defense Advice.

Here is number 35 in my series of “Sunday Punnies,” which are puns donated by readers, then expertly interpreted and illustrated by the best artist I could find without leaving my house. Congrats this time goes to Jay Branscomb, Cliff Harris (yes, The King of Wordplay), and Martin Baker.  If you have an original pun that you’d like to submit, leave it in the comments section of any post on this blog and I’ll consider it. Here are the rules:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. Your pun MUST be ORIGINAL. Don’t be sending me something you heard somewhere or saw on the Truthernet. Well, you can, but I won’t use it.

2. Tell me what name you’d like me to use at the bottom, should I choose your pun for a future edition. Anything goes, as long as it isn’t too long to fit the space or obscene.

3. YOUR SUGGESTION WILL NOT APPEAR IN THE COMMENTS SECTION, so don’t expect to see it there. I read them, save the ones that I think might be useful, and delete the comments containing pun submissions without posting them so as not to ruin the gag for other readers. All other kinds of comments will be posted. Unless you behave badly.

4. Put your life’s savings in the “Tip Jar” in the margin of this blog. This isn’t necessary and won’t improve your chances of having your pun chosen, but free money is always appreciated.

That’s all there is to it! Have fun, Jazz Pickles.

bz panel 07-11-14bz strip 07-11-14bz panel 07-12-14bz strip 07-12-14These two cartoons are from Friday and Saturday of last week. I’ve been involved in a legal battle with the worst ex-wife I’ve ever had, so this law cartoon seemed appropriate. Contrary to what many people believe, cartoonists like myself are not rich, so lawsuits are not just a royal pain in the ass, but also an unwanted financial burden. (I can’t think of an example of a “wanted” financial burden at the moment, but give me some time.) Whatever. We all have financial burdens, I just happen to have a cartoon feature in which to exorcise my demons.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In my humble opinion, twerking is the stupidest thing since giant, baggy pants that you have to hold  up in order to walk. Yes, I’m becoming an old codger, but I kind of like it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PREHISTARROS: Here’s a complicated Sunday cartoon of mine from the late 1900s. Since it, too, is based on a pun, I thought it seemed appropriate to feature today. I hope you have found a smile on this page somewhere.biz41htcWEB

Seuss Goth Magic Santa Alien

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Willing Victims.

I’ve always been one to think of “ordinary” things objectively, which is why I’m fairly good at coming up with cartoons. As a kid, I often wondered why cow’s milk was fine but horse or dog or pig milk was revolting. Eventually, I became repulsed by cow’s milk, as well, and as it turns out it’s a pretty unhealthy thing for humans to consume, contrary to everything you’ve heard all your life. That kind of thinking (and research) led me to adopt a vegan diet over 12 years ago, which has greatly improved my health and happiness. That kind of thinking also led to this cartoon about eating famous Seuss characters.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My buddy, Andy Cowan, and I offer this alternate way of looking at the expression, “your hair.” I thought some severe goth girls might be a good vehicle for this one. I just noticed that the girl on the left has a missing tattoo in the strip version. No idea how that happened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The popular, fairly new crossbreed of labradors and poodles, the “labradoodle,” led to this mash-up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To catch us up to date, here’s a gag about the existence of Santa. Poor guy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BIZARRO BOOMERANG: Immigration problems have been in the news a bit lately so here is an offering from 1999 that shows that things never change all that much. In fact, I may do an alternate version of this one and run it again soon. Keep your eyes peeled, as painful as that might be.bz990501WEB

Side note: I love the drawing of these aliens, if I may be so immodest.

 

 

 

Star Trek Godzilla Murder Complaint Nap

Bizarro 07-06-14 hedrWEB Bizarro 07-06-14 WEBBizarro is brought to you today by Catzilla.

I have a long-time pen pal in Germany by the name of Michael Roth. He’s a writer and sometimes he writes cartoon ideas he’d like to see and every now and again I use one. He sent me some ideas about how outdated the “communicators” from the original Star Trek TV show would look to us now, and we finally settled on this treatment for it. If that’s not enough, I packed it with lots of background jokes, too, so click the image for a larger look-see. On the side of the pink truck is one of my Jazz Pickle, limited-edition T-shirts. If you missed this one, check out my most recent shirt,available for only TWO MORE DAYS! Makes a great gift for that person in your life who is addicted to lame TV shows or Justin Bieber. bz panel 07-03-14bz strip 07-03-14bz panel 07-04-14bz strip 07-04-14bz panel 07-05-14bz strip 07-05-14And don’t forget to drop by and say hello to Michael.

 

 

 

 

These next several cartoons are the tail end of last week’s offerings. Michael Roth also sent me some ideas about Godzilla, one of which was about GZ ordering a “Manhattan” cocktail, which resulted in GZ asking about the missing terrorized populace in his drink.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A magician from an organization in Dallas asked me recently to come up with something for his students of magic, and that got me thinking about a trick attempted without knowing the “trick”. Whoops.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lastly, we have an impatient patient. This one was a collaboration with my good buddy and frequent writing partner, Andy Cowan. Andy is a former TV writer for Seinfeld, Cheers, 3rd Rock from the Sun, and some other shows. He’s neurotic mess, of course, but you have to be to write for TV sitcoms. I’m one too, which is perhaps why we’re friends as well as collaborators.

 

 

 

 

 

 

PREBIZTORICALS: Hey, remember 1997? Neither do I, but this cartoon says it was published then. If you google “Catzilla” today, you’ll get numerous images, but I’d never seen the idea before when I published this cartoon. Perhaps I was the first? I’m going to assume I was and if you find out differently, I’d appreciate your not bursting my little ego bubble.

If you don’t get the gag, click on it and blow it up. On the far right is an old-fashioned, electric can opener being tugged out to sea. I only explain this because I fear I didn’t draw it large enough to make it clear. Ah, the foolishness of youth.bizarro 11-30-97 CatzillaWEB

Money Frames Dead Doctor

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Bizarro is brought to you today by My Cigar Smoking is Having an Effect on My Dog.

As a cartoonist, it’s particularly fun for me to be able to add a new twist to one of the cartoon cliches we’ve all seen so many times. In the archive section at the end of this post, I feature another such idea from a few years back.

Side note: If I were a bank robber, I definitely do this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A good friend of mine recently sent me a pic on my cell phone of him in a new pair of glasses and asked my opinion. My girlfriend, the inimitable Olive Oyl, made a comment about what kind of frames would be right for his shape of face. I didn’t think of this cartoon at that moment, but a couple days later while writing cartoons, this hit me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So this clown cartoon is pretty dark, I know, but that’s what I like about it. Someone suggest a clown being on “laugh support” would make a good cartoon and though I enjoyed the pun, I didn’t think it was unique enough to hold up on its own. By adding this exceedingly dark tag line, it made me laugh. Which, incidentally, a clown has never done. (I apologize if that last comment offended any of my “clown” readers, but I’m not fond of clowns. I don’t have coulrophobia, but I do have extroverted-stranger-in-disguise-phobia. I didn’t trust people dressed as Santa Claus when I was a kid, either.)

 

 

 

 

 

BIZARRO OF THE LIVING DEAD: As promised in the first paragraph, here is a gag from 2005 that also plays on a well-known cartoon cliche.Bz panel 01-12-05 DocHeadband

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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