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Getting Under Your Skin

bz panel 08-02-13bz strip 08-02-03Bizarro is brought to you today by Tattoo Editors.

A lot of amusement can be found by going to the Google, typing in “misspelled tattoos,” then hitting the “image” link below the search window. Here are three of my recent favorites: 123.

My known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh, thought up this tribute to the ill-conceived tattoo. His blog post about this collaborations features his original sketch and a link to his own regrettable tattoo. Amuse yourself with it here, then come back for more fun.

On the walls in the background and on the arm of the tattooist are some lovely Bizarro-related tattoos.  Here are some shots of actual tattoos some of my Jazz Pickles have sent me. Tattoo 1Tattoo2.   I humbly suggest that all of my Jazz Pickles get a Bizarro tattoo of some kind and send me pictures of the result. Thank you.Bz 07-24-07 tattoo




CLASSICS CORNER: Today’s geriatric Bizarro is from 2005 and is based on the response I give to people who ask me this question about my own tattoos.

Weekend in Bugrump

bz panel 08-01-13Bizarro is brought to you today by I Gave Him $5 For The Laugh.

This was one of those cartoons that required a little extra work to convert from panel to strip. As I’ve mentioned here before, I draw the vertical panel first, then use the elements to create the horizontal strip version. This often requires some extra drawing. Since this gag is very vertical in its original form, I had to move the airline displays down quite a bit and enlarge them so they could be read. This changed the angle that the pig’s head needed to point so I had to flop and reattach it. Then, of course, there’s the matter of the extra drawings needed to fill the blank spaces at the left and right. Montel Williams was nice enough to step in as the character at right.

bz strip 08-01-13One obvious inconsistency in this cartoon is that the information on the screen tells “where,” and has nothing to do with “when,” as promised by the punch line. I didn’t have room for gates and times and all that so I just made it simple. Most folks will never notice and who cares if they do? One of the nicest things about being a cartoonist for a living is that I don’t have to be accurate all of the time.Bz 05-25-09 airline


KLASSICS KORNER: Don’t you hate it when people use “K” instead of “C” in advertising and such in an attempt to make something cute? Man, I sure do.

This elderly cartoon from ’09 is about one of my favorite pet peeves. I once checked in for a flight with two bags, one that weighed 45 lbs and one that weighed 52 lbs. The representative said I could pay the $25 fee for a bag over 50 lbs, or just put a couple things from one bag to the other. She was serious. My head exploded and ruined her uniform with brain bits and blood stains. Served her right.

Monsieur Spud Noggin

bz panel 07-31-13bz strip 07-31-13Bizarro is brought to you today by My Spud Childhood.

I’ve done a lot of Mr. Potato Head cartoons; many that are better than this one, to be honest. But when you do 365 cartoons per year for nearly three decades (Bizarro started in January of 1985) some are better than others. In my CLASSICS CORNER section today, I offer one of my favorites, which also touches on the subject of cannibalism. Can potatoes help it if they’re delicious?

bz 06-10-08 potato french










CLASSICS CORNER: Mr. Potato Head in 2008.

Cradle Robbers

bz panel 07-30-13bz strip 07-30-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Walking Head.

Relationships of widely varying ages have always interested me. It is obvious that they can work; I personally know several people who are 20-or-more years apart and have enjoyed long and happy marriages. But I suspect those are the exception rather than the rule. Although I find young women attractive physically, I can’t get past their relative immaturity enough to be attracted to them for anything other than sex. That’s not to say that I have sex with much-younger women––I don’t. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t sleep with someone I’m not emotionally involved with. I’ve only once achieved an emotional attraction with someone who was notably younger than I (15 years) and while it was great fun for a while, it ended badly both emotionally and financially. I do not anticipate trying it again.

I don’t think it is unfair to say that extreme “May/December romances” are socially conspicuous. When a beautiful, 20-something woman walks into a restaurant with a dowdy, 50- or 60-something-year-old man, you can fairly safely assume one or more of three things: 1. He has a lot of money. 2. He has political power. 3. In spite of his advanced years, he has learned how to use a smart phone to send pictures of his genitals. (WARNING: This third point does not usually work unless you possess one or both of the first two points. A photo of a middle-class and politically impotent penis appearing on a woman’s cell phone is usually the event immediately preceding her blocking that number.)

Which brings us to some basic rules of life: 1. Do not electronically send pictures of your genitals to anyone unless you are prepared for them to be shared with the entire class.  2. Do not be surprised if your much-younger partner acts immaturely and posts your picture on the Internet.  3. If any person should request that you send them a picture of your genitals, send them this.

CLASSICS CORNER: bz 06-25-10 invasionToday’s golden oldie Bizarro is along the same lines as today’s current cartoon but features a short history lesson. Can you name all three British invasions? Answers are below.








ANSWERS: The Revolutionary War, the War of 1812, and this one.

Numbers Game

bz panel 07-29-13bz strip 07-29-13Bizarro is brought to you today by ASD (Abdominal Strings Disorder)

My annual checkup is coming up soon and I’m dreading it. Not because I’m afraid they’ll find something wrong with me or I don’t enjoy paying a relative stranger to insert a rubber-clad finger into my butt, but because the process will take a couple of hours out of my day and cost me money to get bad news or no news at all. My doctor will also chastise me for not following his instructions last year to get up at the ass-crack of dawn (two anal references in the first paragraph; a new record for me!) and wait in line at a clinic to have my blood taken for routine testing. Blech!

Yes, I know things could be a lot worse. I could be forced to spend a couple of hours watching them tape Justin Bieber’s new music video or have lunch with Snookie. But an increasingly large part of me just wants to ignore doctors entirely until I’m too sick to recover on my own and just take my chances. I’ve not had medical insurance of any kind for over ten years now because I despise the way the American health industry is set up and it pains me to give a single penny to an industry that is built on a business model that takes as much money from consumers as possible while it denies as many of the promised benefits as is legally allowed. My medical expenses in the last decade have been many thousands of dollars LESS than if I’d been carrying health insurance.

Yes, I know that if I get into an accident or come down with a dreaded disease, I’ll go bankrupt. I’ve not experienced that so I can’t speak with authority, but I think I’d rather die than fund another insurance executive’s vacation on the French Riviera. Is that a childish and irresponsible way to live? Perhaps. But I like to think of it as putting my life and finances on the line for the sake of principle. (Which will be precious little solace if I should lose my legs in a traffic accident.)

I wonder if my bitterness toward this process will show up in the blood tests that I’m likely to put off for yet another year?

CLASSICS CORNER: Today’s prehistoric Bizarro cartoonbz 02-04-03 cursor curse is about one of those unexpected wrinkles in the bedsheets of life for which there is no insurance available.

Anime Hospital

bz panel 07-27-13bz strip 07-27-13Today’s Bizarro is brought to you by Eyes of the Beholder.

This is a simple pun with a fun visual but I’d like to go on record as saying I’m no fan of anime. If you’re not familiar with the genre, it is pronounced “an’-i-may,” and although it is the Japanese word for “animation,” it has come to represent a style of cartoons and animation that grew popular in Japan throughout the latter half of the 20th century and has spread throughout the world as a type of comic art. The characters, for the most part, all look about like the ones in this cartoon, regardless of the artist who drew them. In principle, I’m not keen on any form of art that requires the artist to follow strict guidelines and such seems to be the case with anime; if the girls don’t look like 8-year-olds dressed up like whores with huge, fried-egg eyes, it isn’t anime. To be honest, the genre reeks of pedophelia. But that’s not what this cartoon is about.

If you’re a fan of anime, I hope you take no offense to my opinions; it’s a matter of personal preferences. I admit that I know very little about the projects created within this genre because I’ve disliked the look of it so much that I’ve not acquainted myself with many examples. It is worth noting, I think, that anime characters are recognized chiefly by their gigantic, round eyes, which few Japanese possess. That’s not surprising––we often idolize what we don’t have.

If you’re a fan of pedophilia, I have no apologies.

CLASSICS CORNER: Lately, I’ve been finding “classic” Bizarro cartoons that have something to do with the theme of the current one I’m posting but I don’t have any others about anime. So here’s one about art. If you don’t get this gag, it’s likely because you don’t know who Claes Oldenburg is. Google him now and be amused by his 02-18-06 oldenburg urinal

Pooch Suitor

bz panel 07-26-13bz strip 07-26-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Avante Dogs.

Does this cartoon imply that if you send your dog to an Ivy LBz panel 10-14-06 new puppyeague school that his pick-up technique will be more sophisticated than humping a leg? Yes, it does. If this is in your dog’s future, get him one of these.












In keeping with my habit of including an old cartoon each day in my blog, here’s one from ’06 that got some terrific hate mail. I can’t find it now (of course!) but the woman was angry with me because, according to her, plenty of people abuse and neglect their children and “we” shouldn’t be giving them more ideas with cartoons like mine. Really? Really? I told her that if someone was irrational enough to give up their children for a dog, the kids were better off anyway, and that the reason I wrote this cartoon was because of all of the idiots who drop their family dog off at the city shelter because they are afraid it would hurt the baby. This happens a lot, I’m sorry to say.

Creative Lip Reading

bz panel 07-25-13bz strip 07-25-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Religious Dummy.

I do love me some ventriloquist gags. I saw a creepy movie called “Magic,” starring Anthony Hopkins, back in 1978 and loved it. I was a kid then and have not seen it since, so I’ve no idea if it was actually any good. Still, I’ve been sort of fascinated by the surreal possibilities of ventriloquism dummies ever since.  This gag also has “alternative lifestyle” undertones, so to me that makes it even more amusing. bz panel 11-30-06 ventriloquist










In my “golden moldies” category today, I offer this cartoon with a similar theme from 2006. Evidently, I’m still amused by the idea of ventriloquist dummy as lover.

Salty Sex

bz panel 07-24-13bz strip 07-24-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Real Life Mermaid.

Anyone remember the film, “Splash”? It came out in the late 1900s and starred Tom Hanks as a New York guy and Daryl Hannah as a mermaid who’s walking around temporarily on legs for some reason, and they fall in love. Daryl was sexy as can be in that movie and everyone fell in love with her. Tom was probably really sexy, too, but I don’t recall.

Anyway, like me, Daryl is an animal rights activist and environmentalist and so she and I had some reason to talk about a project of hers back in the early 2000s. I don’t remember why now, but she called my house and left a message on my voice mail. She has a very distinctive (and sexy) voice and it was a huge thrill to hear it on my voice mail. I saved it for a long time. I briefly chatted with her in person once but we didn’t end up working together on whatever it was that she called about. I hadn’t thought of that story until I drew this comic, so that was fun.

bz panel 01-13-06 mermaid



Today’s elderly Bizarro cartoon is from 2006. In this cartoon, I did not get into how the husband character impregnated her. But then, mermaid love stories never talk about the lady’s apparent lack of the necessary apparatus for a successful relationship.

Heavenly Desires

bz panel 07-23-13bz strip 07-23-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Afterlife Fantasies.

I don’t believe in an afterlife, but if I did, it would be wonderful to be availed of any kind of sensory pleasure you could dream of without consequences or guilt. Among my personal (and very long) list would be warm, glazed donuts at your fingertips with no concern for gained weight,  sex with your favorite movie stars, beef fajitas without the torture and slaughter of a fellow being, crazy-fun drug trips without risk of arrest or damage to your health, riding a motorcycle at 100 miles an hour without threat of injury or death.

Of course, under the traditional rules of “heaven,” one no longer needs or desires sensory pleasures so the whole concept is a non-starter. But it’s fun to dream.






In the old-Bizarros-I-don’t-hate category today, I have this offering for you from bz 08-12-10 darnationheaven.

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