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Civilized Saucers

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Bizarro is brought to you today by The Perfect Gift.

Have you ever felt the need to run away from “civilization” and live a more natural life? It seems to me that there is little about civilization that is civilized and little about humans that is humane. Accordingly, I have found myself rethinking my choices in this world. It’s not that civilization is treating me badly, it most certainly isn’t, especially on a worldwide scale. It’s more about getting in touch with what I am, not what I’ve become as the result of social pressure and historical tradition. In my recent readings about the origins of human societies, I’ve begun to see that we are far from what we should be, and my instincts tell me that I’d be much happier and live a more meaningful life if I were more true to my nature. That’s where my head’s been at lately and why I wrote this cartoon.
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Genesis Fat Brat Drugs

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So I was thinking what would happen if Adam and Eve’s neighbors happened by just as they were standing naked together, talking to a snake and eating a piece of “forbidden” fruit. Now, I know in the classic version there were no neighbors because Adam and Eve were the first humans, but according to the same story, they had a couple of sons, Cain and Able, and one of them grew up and got married. So where did his bride come from? This leads me to believe that either this is a traditional myth used to teach a certain lesson, or incest was okay for a very long time (until there were enough people to find someone to mate with to whom you were not very closely related.)  Ew. I’m going to assume it is a myth.
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Psychic Longneck Cat Worship

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Does anyone out there have a modern solution to the password thing? You’re supposed to use different passwords for all your sites to reduce the possibility of having your identity stolen, but how do you remember them all? If you write them on a list, someone will steal the list and steal your life. I’ve taken to keeping a list but writing it in code. But sometimes I can’t remember what the code is. Gosh, life in the future can suck sometimes.
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Chiropractic Tarzan

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Nothing a Can of Gasoline and a Match Wouldn’t Cure.

Sorry for the missing posts over the weekend. The site was wearing it’s cranky pants and wouldn’t let me post.

This is the most literal example of “gallows humor” you may ever see. And in the end, it isn’t dark at all, which sort of takes it out of the category altogether. Oh, the contradictions of life.
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Turkey Giant Litter Box

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Here are some Thanksgiving leftovers for your amusement. When I first submitted the cartoon at left, which ran on Thanksgiving Day, my editors were worried that it was too brutal and asked if I really wanted to publish it. I did and here it is. Thus far, I have gotten one piece of angry mail from a reader who said, “you have crossed the line. Why would you have a naked black woman posed as a human Turkey? It wasn’t funny and during these times of rioting and strained race relations the last thing we need is some hack artist making disgusting drawings that demean a national holiday AND a naked black woman lying on a dinner table!” Given what this reader thought they saw, I can’t blame them at all for being incensed. The person on the table is not black, nor a woman, but is Cynthia’s husband, who presumably objected to a turkey-free Thanksgiving dinner. As a long-time animal rights advocate, I have met other activists who lose their ability to separate their hatred of cruelty from their hatred of the species that inflicts it. Cynthia is one such person who ends up losing her shit and offing her husband. Even the turkeys know this is the wrong approach. Most vegans I know do, too.
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Evil Turkey Stuffing Aliens

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An email buddy of mine, Michael Lagace, sent me the idea of an “evil Knievel” twin and this is how I used it. I had a good time drawing Evel, as he was one of my childhood heroes. The kids in my neighborhood and I used to build ramps out of plywood and stacks of old tires or whatever we could get hold of to prop it up, then jump our bicycles over it at great speed. Yes, it was dangerous, and bones were broken. For all I know, Knievel may be the person for whom the ubiquitous statement, “Don’t try this at home!” was invented.
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Academic Bludgeon Duck

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My effervescent and sublime life partner, Olive Oyl, came up with the idea for today’s cartoon. The breadth of her skills continues to amaze me and I consider myself a very lucky man.

If you’ve ever played the enduring classic board game, “Clue,” you’ll doubtless recognize Professor Plum as he enters the Office of Admission and admits what he’s done. I got a good chuckle from it and I hope you do, too. Plus, even though the drawing is not particularly complex, there are still 5 secret symbols to search for. Click the image for a larger view.
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Love Amputation Kids Computers

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As my regular readers know, I’ve been through two divorces and cannot recommend the experience. All that is in the distant past now but now and then a nice divorce gag occurs to me. When your job is coming up with a fresh gag 365 days a year, anything that goes into your head is likely to come back out later as a cartoon or twelve.
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Bear Blog Mouse Eskimo

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Insider tip: Don’t bother calling Teddy Bear Headquarters on a Monday. Those dudes are some picnic-loving freaks.

 

 

 

 

 

Insider tip: Don’t use a therapist who has a blog on which he features highlights from each week’s therapy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Insider tip: Mice taxis are notoriously inefficient. But when you’re spending your life in a rodent prison, it’s worth a try.
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Basketboulder

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Why Wash When You Can Bash?

My mind wandered recently about the beginning of basketball and wondered what they used for the ball before modern technology created what we now use. Going further back, I imagined this scene of a couple of cave dudes fighting over a boulder. Since I am not a terribly tall person (3’7″) I’m always last to be picked for basketball teams. That is, until they find out that I can fly, and also become invisible at will. Who’s laughing now, tall people?
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