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Basketboulder

Bizarro 11-16-14 hdrWEB Bizarro 11-16-14 WEB(Click any image for a bigger look!)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Why Wash When You Can Bash?

My mind wandered recently about the beginning of basketball and wondered what they used for the ball before modern technology created what we now use. Going further back, I imagined this scene of a couple of cave dudes fighting over a boulder. Since I am not a terribly tall person (3’7″) I’m always last to be picked for basketball teams. That is, until they find out that I can fly, and also become invisible at will. Who’s laughing now, tall people?

NEW TOPIC: There are only FOUR DAYS left to nab one of my limited-edition Bizarro Jazz Pickle T-shirts!

After that, this design (3rd in a series) will disappear forever, the way most people wish Kim Kardashian would.

Black line work on light shirts here.                   White line work on dark shirts here.

Because Adam Levine and Scarlett Johansson were recently voted “sexiest human members of their species and sexes,” here’s what they would look like in my T-shirt. (Available in many styles and colors, not just short-sleeves and orange.) Aren’t they sexy? You will be, too. AdamScarlett

Quintuple Cavalcade of Comedy

Bizarro is brought to you today by Tiny Alien.

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Monday: Dogs are funny. Dogs without electronics are just sad. (Get a print of this cartoon.)

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Tuesday: I was on a jury once for a one-day civil trial and it was boring as hell. I can imagine after a long trial wishing that someone would kill me. (Get a print of this cartoon.)

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Wednesday: Some birds dig predigested worms and bugs from their mother’s throat when they’re young. This guy is one of those, but he needs to grow up. (Get a print of this cartoon.)

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Thursday: If you find yourself tempted to believe that any substantial amount of America’s problems are being caused by illegal aliens, remind yourself that historically this is an ancient technique by dishonest governments to shift blame. And it almost always works. In this case, the corporations who run our country and their puppet politicians say, “Yes, things are lousy, but it isn’t our fault. It’s their fault!” Then they point to illegals, gay marriage, abortion clinics, terrorists, climate change scientists, whatever “other” they can find to unite the rest of us against something other than those in charge. Don’t fall for it. You’re smarter than that. (Get a print of this cartoon)

DEJA VIEW: Since Tuesday was Election* Day in the U.S., here’s a cartoon from 2001 in which I recommended some things I thought could improve the country. None of my suggestions were followed as near as I can tell.Bizarro02-11-01WEB

*A choice between two politicians already chosen by the corporations who run America.

DNA Hippo Can Bellbottoms

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Granny Sale.

 

It’s Saturday, so I’m posting the silliness exhibited in Bizarro since Thursday. If that confuses you, consult your local calendar expert. I have no specific comments to make about any of them. I know, it is rare.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

REZARRO: From Bizarro of 1998, I offer you this other bit of foolishness that has deep, hidden meaning. Let me know if you figure out what it is so I’ll have a good answer should someone ask.bizarro981002WEB

Mass Entertainment

bizarro 10-05-14 hdrWEB Bizarro 10-05-14 WEB Bizarro is brought to you today by Wildlife Sighting.

I wrote today’s cartoon with the “dumbing down” of American audiences in mind but I used gross exaggerations to do it. I’m not one to have season tickets to the symphony, either (though I’ve been a few times and enjoyed it) and most Americans wouldn’t watch a man eat a piano for long, but there are plenty who would. As I think about it now, though, there has always been a wide audience for lowbrow entertainment and a smaller one for higher quality endeavors of any kind, so this is nothing new. Even in Shakespeare’s time, the theater across the street was offering amateur juggling competitions called “England’s Got Balls,” and these shows were much more popular than Hamlet and the like.

I’ve recently been intimately involved in a reality show here in the U.S. called “Utopia.” I am only the host and narrator so I have no control over the show whatsoever, but it has been my first close look at this kind of programming. I’ve never watched a reality show before, so it’s been an education for me. As a member of the show, I’ve got to watch all of the episodes, usually more than once, to learn the plot lines and personalities so I can apply the correct emphasis to my lines. This is not only my first time viewing a reality show but the first time I’ve been required to watch any TV program. I have to admit that over time, however, I’ve become interested and invested in the people on this show.

But my taste is more towards the eccentric, so I am not as interested in the “normal” people on the show (if any of them can truly be called normal) and more fascinated by people like ex-convict Dave, who couldn’t seem to go more than a few hours without blowing up, intimidating people, and applying the tenets of jail-yard politics to the most miniscule situations, and Hillbilly Red, who is so  melodramatically independent that he could barely make it through a single episode without seceding from the rest of the group because he was not acknowledged as having the most important opinion on everything from money management to seating arrangements at the communal table. Now that they are gone, I’m counting on Bella to stop behaving herself (a recent development but one I hope doesn’t last) and Taylor and Hex breaking up and challenging each other to a cage fight. (BTW, my money would be on Hex) Of course, without Red there, I’m not sure if any of the remaining cast have the skills to build a decent cage. Time will tell.

There are two “newtopians” in the compound, vying for the spot of Red, who was voted out this past week. After a few days, the rest will vote on which one they will allow to stay. I know which one I’d choose––the weirdest one––but I’m not saying which one I think that is. Some people have suggested I be the next “pioneer,” but I don’t think living with a cigar-smoking, wise-ass, vegan cartoonist is anyone’s idea of utopia. Except my beloved Olive Oyl, of course.

BIZARRCHIVES: From 1999 is this “modern” take on “Gilligan’s Island,” a show that was popular in the 1960s. It occurred to me while writing this post that this was a show that attempted to do with scripted comedy what many reality shows do today; put an odd group of people who would never know each other in real life into a situation in which they have to cope and survive. In my updated version, the show never takes place because everyone has a way of connecting to the rest of the world and they get rescued the same day. Note that “beepers” were still in the mix back then. biz34tscGilliganWEB

 

 

Cave Sex Battles

Bizarro 09-28-04 hdrWEBBizarro 09-28-14 WEBBizarro is brought to you today by Grammar.

I’m a self-proclaimed amateur expert on human behavior and anthropology and was pondering one day about how women tend to be more verbal than men. It then occurred to me that it would not surprise me in the least to find that females attained speech long before men, which is the point of this cartoon. It now occurs to me that an alternate interpretation of this cartoon is that both sexes had speech but it was hundreds of years before men actually started using it. That wouldn’t surprise me, either. Though most of my cartoons are not autobiographical, this one almost is. I’m not the traditionally silent type and probably talk far too much for my own good, but I was once married to a woman who could not stop talking if you had sewn her mouth shut. She woke up rambling on and on and it continued until after I fell asleep at night. It was disturbing, and not just to my sleep. (For a color print of this comic, go here.)

BIZARCHAEOLOGY: For dessert, I offer this elderly cartoon from 1998, in which I further explore stereotypes about male and female behavior as they may have pertained to prehistory. Yes, I know that not all men love football and TV and not all women love to shop. But humor is often found in generalizations and I don’t personally see anything insulting about either of these behaviors, so here it is. You may also notice that this cartoon situation took place in the early stages of language, before letters had been completely standardized and prepositions had been invented, but not before proper punctuation or capitalization.biz44tscCaveWEB

Casual Probing Racism Comb-over

bz panel 09-15-14bz strip 09-15-14bz panel 09-16-14bz strip 09-16-14bz panel 09-17-14bz strip 09-17-14Bizarro is brought to you today by How To Fill A Diaper.

I moved from NYC to LA a few years ago and have become even more keenly aware of the differences in their cultures than I was when I was only visiting here. Life in California is generally so much more relaxed than in NYC, which isn’t surprising, but the effect it has on people is glorious. The average person on the street––behind a counter or reception desk, answering a phone call for a business, driving a bus, etc.––is friendlier by a factor of 6.3 (by my unofficial calculations) than their East Coast counterparts. I love that about the West. Thinking along this line, I couldn’t help imagining the clash between how things are done in offices in the east compared to the west.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This alien gag resulted from the fact that the traditional extraterrestrial image that people claim to have been abducted frequently settle on is always without a nose. At most, they have a couple of nostrils. Like Michael Jackson.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, today’s cartoon is another about the Old West ––a favorite theme of mine. With only a few exceptions, Hollywood gave Indians a pretty bad rap for the better part of the 20th century. Most of what the average person (probably anywhere in the world) knows about the Americas’ indigenous people is from Hollywood, and SO much of it is utterly inaccurate. I’m reading a fascinating book right now called “1491,” which is about what the Americas were like up until the villainous Columbus began the onslaught of European invaders. It wasn’t at all like you’ve been led to believe. I highly recommend this book for history buffs or Native Americans who are interested in what the latest archeological information tells us about pre-European America, both north and south.

 

 

PREHISTARROS: After all that high-minded talk about history, let’s have a chuckle at Ben’s expense, whomever he may be.bz010404CombOverWEB

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Camper Bite Godzilla God

bz panel 09-11-14bz strip 09-11-14bz panel 09-12-14bz strip 09-12-14bz panel 09-13-14bz strip 09-13-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Cartoons Inspiring Sculpture.

In creating this first cartoon, I was well aware of the fact that there are plenty of women (and men) out there who really dig this kind of guy. To those folks I’d like to say that the point of this was not to say that this guy is wrong for everyone, just wrong for the gal at the bar. I have a lot of friends who are political, environmental, and/or animal rights activists and some of them have the habit of plastering their vehicles with tons of stickers about their beliefs, as well. I’m not sure how many people actually change their belief system based on the bumper stickers they read while at a red light, but I’m guessing it’s a fairly small percentage. Still, somehow we all like to tell the world what we believe or cherish in one way or another. I, for instance, enjoy wearing a T-shirt that says, “ONE OF MY CHILDREN HAS NEVER BEEN ARRESTED.” (Purchase a print of this cartoon.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This “Found Dog” cartoon is a favorite of mine, because the punch line is so hidden. I found it very difficult to convert into a strip version, however, and wonder how many readers missed the joke when seeing it in the tiny newspaper format. Life is like that sometimes. (Purchase a print of this cartoon.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Regarding my Godzilla cartoon, I figured I would get a complaint or two from religious readers and I was not disappointed. This one appeared this morning on my Bizarro Facebook page:

Mr. Piraro, as a Christian, I take offense at your cartoon in today’s (paper), wherein you depict godzilla returning in a Christ-like manner.”  

This was my response: “I’m sorry you were offended, that wasn’t my intention. For me, it was just a simple pun between God and Godzilla. I’ve always felt that humor is an innate and invaluable part of the human mind and that if there is a supreme, omnipotent being, it is likely not easily offended by the meager attempts of humans to make each other smile.”

This is a common problem with jokes about religion and one that keeps most mainstream cartoonists from broaching the subject. I was raised in a devout Catholic family and attended Catholic school for many years, so I was raised to take spiritual matters very seriously. As an adult I’ve read a fair amount about world religions, theology, and philosophy and continue to study the subject of “higher powers” in all its forms. I’m no longer a believer in any established religions or gods, but still find the powerful attraction most humans have to belief in a higher power fascinating. For some time I was a fairly militant atheist, but now my views have softened a bit and I see the human experience as something endlessly complex and difficult, and have come to believe that whatever means people use to make their journey a little more tolerable is understandable. I draw the line, of course, when religious beliefs are used to prosecute or oppress others. Which, to be fair, is alarmingly often, so I still get ample chances to exercise my militant side.  (Purchase a print of this cartoon.)

PREBIZTORICALS: On the topic of religion, I bring you this cartoon from the archives. In the version that appeared in newspapers, the word “shit” was replaced with “poo.” It’s not as funny that way, somehow, so I reverted to my original caption for this post.  It has long been interesting to me how utterly ridiculous certain other religions seem (even when I was a devout believer) primitive ones especially, and the thought that immediately followed was that the religion I was raised in would seem just as ridiculous to someone convinced otherwise. Bz 04-17-06 GodBirdPooSMThis gag, for instance, won’t offend modern folks in any great number, but if the statue had been of Jesus, I would not have even been allowed to publish it. I think we often fool ourselves into believing that other religions have more superstition in them than ours, whatever it may be.

 

 

Hunter Fan Hero Liar

bz panel 09-04-14bz strip 09-04-14bz panel 09-05-14bz strip 09-05-14bz panel 09-06-14bz strip 09-06-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Store Manager Wisdom.

 

Phony, fad diets like Paleo are a favorite topic of mine when I can find a good idea with which to skewer them. I think this one is pretty funny. Large amounts of meat are horrible for the human body unless you combine them with enormous amounts of exercise, which our primitive ancestors most certainly did. If you’re thinking “But I lost a lot of weight on the Paleo Diet,” keep in mind that people on meth lose a lot of weight, too. Doesn’t mean it’s healthy for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I should’ve saved this cartoon for playoff season but I’d likely forget it by then so I used it now. I’m a fairly big sports fan and I never watch games live, so this idea appealed to me. Plus, I like gags that show how absurdly off-base we humans can be in our modern world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I drew this one I wondered if I’d hear from family members of people suffering from dementia who think it is insensitive. My defense is that there has been some dementia in my own family and nearly everyone knows someone who has suffered from it in one form or another. Comedy is a time-honored and natural way for humans to deal with the more tragic elements of life. It’s one of the best traits of our overly-developed brains in my opinion, and can be very healing.

 

 

 

 

 

BIZARRO OF THE LIVING DEAD: From my archival mausoleum comes this cartoon from 1996 about the psychology of performers. I’ve done some performing myself and have always wondered what it is that drives me to do it. In my next post, I’ll be telling you about a strange new job in television that recently fell into my lap from the ether. I’ll actually be on your TV this coming Sunday night, which is hard for even me to believe.bz960524 WEB

Puke Snooze Drink Puke

bz panel 09-01-14bz strip 09-01-14bz panel 09-02-14bz strip 09-02-14bz panel 09-03-14bz strip 09-03-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Abe and Friends.

Since I was a child I’ve been fascinated by the fact that some animals feed their young by eating something, then regurgitating it into their mouth. First, let me say how happy I am that humans are not among the species with this charming habit, and secondly, perhaps we should be. Some babies have difficulty digesting certain kinds of foods and perhaps a little pre-digestion would be a good thing. If anyone decides to try this with their own baby, let me know how it turns out, and remember that I am not a doctor nor even a particularly well-educated person so don’t blame me if your baby is irreparably damaged by this experiment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As long as I’m helping raise other people’s kids, why not try turning your child’s life completely over to the Internet like this fine fellow? It’s going to happen eventually anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Lincoln gag is one of my favorites in a long time. I have my buddy, Cliff Harris The King Of Wordplay to thank for it. I wish I was this clever, but, alas, I guess I’m not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BYGONE BIZARRO: Just so you don’t think I’m not clever at all, here’s one of my favorite gags from my archives that deals with the baby-food-puke issue. Bon Appétit! Bz BirdPuke 10-05-07 SM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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