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Civilized Saucers

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Bizarro is brought to you today by The Perfect Gift.

Have you ever felt the need to run away from “civilization” and live a more natural life? It seems to me that there is little about civilization that is civilized and little about humans that is humane. Accordingly, I have found myself rethinking my choices in this world. It’s not that civilization is treating me badly, it most certainly isn’t, especially on a worldwide scale. It’s more about getting in touch with what I am, not what I’ve become as the result of social pressure and historical tradition. In my recent readings about the origins of human societies, I’ve begun to see that we are far from what we should be, and my instincts tell me that I’d be much happier and live a more meaningful life if I were more true to my nature. That’s where my head’s been at lately and why I wrote this cartoon.

OLD BIZNESS: I came across this cartoon from 2002 on a different subject and thought it was amusing. I share it with you now in hopes that you will, too.Bizarro 10-27-02 WEB

Genesis Fat Brat Drugs

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So I was thinking what would happen if Adam and Eve’s neighbors happened by just as they were standing naked together, talking to a snake and eating a piece of “forbidden” fruit. Now, I know in the classic version there were no neighbors because Adam and Eve were the first humans, but according to the same story, they had a couple of sons, Cain and Able, and one of them grew up and got married. So where did his bride come from? This leads me to believe that either this is a traditional myth used to teach a certain lesson, or incest was okay for a very long time (until there were enough people to find someone to mate with to whom you were not very closely related.)  Ew. I’m going to assume it is a myth.

Another myth in our culture is that women actually want your honest opinion when they ask if they look fat in something. The lady in this cartoon decides to only ask the question once, with all her dresses on at the same time. I like that idea––one question, one lie.

My final salvo this week is a cartoon with an editorial message on the childish behavior of our species toward each other, the rest of the planet’s inhabitants, and the Earth itself. I’ve been reading a lot lately about anthropology and where we went wrong, mental health in a materialistic, technological world, and the science behind spirituality. (Yes, there actually are areas where the two intersect and it is fascinating, especially to this diehard atheist.) I’ve never been so enthralled by a subject. Olive Oyl and I are currently transitioning off of our anti-depressants for good (we hope) with a fairly rigorous regimen of vitamins, minerals, exercise, and meditative practices. We’re both excited to be able to say goodbye to the sinkhole that is allopathic medicine. I’m convinced that pharmaceuticals are among the worst things ever invented by humans. Many bacteriologists are confidently predicting the end of our species will not come in the form of climate change or nuclear war, but disease  and bacteria that is smarter than us or our antibiotics. I’ll let you know how it goes (regarding our quest to be happy without pharmaceuticals, not the end of human civilization.)
BIZARCHAEOLOGY: From the year 2000 I bring you a cartoon about which I have just spoken in the paragraph above. Stay tangy, Jazz Pickles.bizarro 03-03-00WEB

Chiropractic Tarzan

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Nothing a Can of Gasoline and a Match Wouldn’t Cure.

Sorry for the missing posts over the weekend. The site was wearing it’s cranky pants and wouldn’t let me post.

This is the most literal example of “gallows humor” you may ever see. And in the end, it isn’t dark at all, which sort of takes it out of the category altogether. Oh, the contradictions of life.

Those Jazz Pickles who are paying close attention may notice that I’ve used this background before. I switched it up a bit and moved things around and added some stuff to suit this gag, though. I figure if Hollywood can reuse sets, why can’t I? If you want to compare and contrast, here’s the previous use of which I speak.

BIZARROLD: In the archival section today, I offer you a vision from 2004 of what Tarzan might’ve looked like had he been raised differently. Bizarro 03-14-04 TarzanPenguinWEb

Basketboulder

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Why Wash When You Can Bash?

My mind wandered recently about the beginning of basketball and wondered what they used for the ball before modern technology created what we now use. Going further back, I imagined this scene of a couple of cave dudes fighting over a boulder. Since I am not a terribly tall person (3’7″) I’m always last to be picked for basketball teams. That is, until they find out that I can fly, and also become invisible at will. Who’s laughing now, tall people?

NEW TOPIC: There are only FOUR DAYS left to nab one of my limited-edition Bizarro Jazz Pickle T-shirts!

After that, this design (3rd in a series) will disappear forever, the way most people wish Kim Kardashian would.

Black line work on light shirts here.                   White line work on dark shirts here.

Because Adam Levine and Scarlett Johansson were recently voted “sexiest human members of their species and sexes,” here’s what they would look like in my T-shirt. (Available in many styles and colors, not just short-sleeves and orange.) Aren’t they sexy? You will be, too. AdamScarlett

Quintuple Cavalcade of Comedy

Bizarro is brought to you today by Tiny Alien.

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Monday: Dogs are funny. Dogs without electronics are just sad. (Get a print of this cartoon.)

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Tuesday: I was on a jury once for a one-day civil trial and it was boring as hell. I can imagine after a long trial wishing that someone would kill me. (Get a print of this cartoon.)

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Wednesday: Some birds dig predigested worms and bugs from their mother’s throat when they’re young. This guy is one of those, but he needs to grow up. (Get a print of this cartoon.)

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Thursday: If you find yourself tempted to believe that any substantial amount of America’s problems are being caused by illegal aliens, remind yourself that historically this is an ancient technique by dishonest governments to shift blame. And it almost always works. In this case, the corporations who run our country and their puppet politicians say, “Yes, things are lousy, but it isn’t our fault. It’s their fault!” Then they point to illegals, gay marriage, abortion clinics, terrorists, climate change scientists, whatever “other” they can find to unite the rest of us against something other than those in charge. Don’t fall for it. You’re smarter than that. (Get a print of this cartoon)

DEJA VIEW: Since Tuesday was Election* Day in the U.S., here’s a cartoon from 2001 in which I recommended some things I thought could improve the country. None of my suggestions were followed as near as I can tell.Bizarro02-11-01WEB

*A choice between two politicians already chosen by the corporations who run America.

DNA Hippo Can Bellbottoms

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Granny Sale.

 

It’s Saturday, so I’m posting the silliness exhibited in Bizarro since Thursday. If that confuses you, consult your local calendar expert. I have no specific comments to make about any of them. I know, it is rare.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

REZARRO: From Bizarro of 1998, I offer you this other bit of foolishness that has deep, hidden meaning. Let me know if you figure out what it is so I’ll have a good answer should someone ask.bizarro981002WEB

Mass Entertainment

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I wrote today’s cartoon with the “dumbing down” of American audiences in mind but I used gross exaggerations to do it. I’m not one to have season tickets to the symphony, either (though I’ve been a few times and enjoyed it) and most Americans wouldn’t watch a man eat a piano for long, but there are plenty who would. As I think about it now, though, there has always been a wide audience for lowbrow entertainment and a smaller one for higher quality endeavors of any kind, so this is nothing new. Even in Shakespeare’s time, the theater across the street was offering amateur juggling competitions called “England’s Got Balls,” and these shows were much more popular than Hamlet and the like.

I’ve recently been intimately involved in a reality show here in the U.S. called “Utopia.” I am only the host and narrator so I have no control over the show whatsoever, but it has been my first close look at this kind of programming. I’ve never watched a reality show before, so it’s been an education for me. As a member of the show, I’ve got to watch all of the episodes, usually more than once, to learn the plot lines and personalities so I can apply the correct emphasis to my lines. This is not only my first time viewing a reality show but the first time I’ve been required to watch any TV program. I have to admit that over time, however, I’ve become interested and invested in the people on this show.

But my taste is more towards the eccentric, so I am not as interested in the “normal” people on the show (if any of them can truly be called normal) and more fascinated by people like ex-convict Dave, who couldn’t seem to go more than a few hours without blowing up, intimidating people, and applying the tenets of jail-yard politics to the most miniscule situations, and Hillbilly Red, who is so  melodramatically independent that he could barely make it through a single episode without seceding from the rest of the group because he was not acknowledged as having the most important opinion on everything from money management to seating arrangements at the communal table. Now that they are gone, I’m counting on Bella to stop behaving herself (a recent development but one I hope doesn’t last) and Taylor and Hex breaking up and challenging each other to a cage fight. (BTW, my money would be on Hex) Of course, without Red there, I’m not sure if any of the remaining cast have the skills to build a decent cage. Time will tell.

There are two “newtopians” in the compound, vying for the spot of Red, who was voted out this past week. After a few days, the rest will vote on which one they will allow to stay. I know which one I’d choose––the weirdest one––but I’m not saying which one I think that is. Some people have suggested I be the next “pioneer,” but I don’t think living with a cigar-smoking, wise-ass, vegan cartoonist is anyone’s idea of utopia. Except my beloved Olive Oyl, of course.

BIZARRCHIVES: From 1999 is this “modern” take on “Gilligan’s Island,” a show that was popular in the 1960s. It occurred to me while writing this post that this was a show that attempted to do with scripted comedy what many reality shows do today; put an odd group of people who would never know each other in real life into a situation in which they have to cope and survive. In my updated version, the show never takes place because everyone has a way of connecting to the rest of the world and they get rescued the same day. Note that “beepers” were still in the mix back then. biz34tscGilliganWEB

 

 

Cave Sex Battles

Bizarro 09-28-04 hdrWEBBizarro 09-28-14 WEBBizarro is brought to you today by Grammar.

I’m a self-proclaimed amateur expert on human behavior and anthropology and was pondering one day about how women tend to be more verbal than men. It then occurred to me that it would not surprise me in the least to find that females attained speech long before men, which is the point of this cartoon. It now occurs to me that an alternate interpretation of this cartoon is that both sexes had speech but it was hundreds of years before men actually started using it. That wouldn’t surprise me, either. Though most of my cartoons are not autobiographical, this one almost is. I’m not the traditionally silent type and probably talk far too much for my own good, but I was once married to a woman who could not stop talking if you had sewn her mouth shut. She woke up rambling on and on and it continued until after I fell asleep at night. It was disturbing, and not just to my sleep. (For a color print of this comic, go here.)

BIZARCHAEOLOGY: For dessert, I offer this elderly cartoon from 1998, in which I further explore stereotypes about male and female behavior as they may have pertained to prehistory. Yes, I know that not all men love football and TV and not all women love to shop. But humor is often found in generalizations and I don’t personally see anything insulting about either of these behaviors, so here it is. You may also notice that this cartoon situation took place in the early stages of language, before letters had been completely standardized and prepositions had been invented, but not before proper punctuation or capitalization.biz44tscCaveWEB

Casual Probing Racism Comb-over

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I moved from NYC to LA a few years ago and have become even more keenly aware of the differences in their cultures than I was when I was only visiting here. Life in California is generally so much more relaxed than in NYC, which isn’t surprising, but the effect it has on people is glorious. The average person on the street––behind a counter or reception desk, answering a phone call for a business, driving a bus, etc.––is friendlier by a factor of 6.3 (by my unofficial calculations) than their East Coast counterparts. I love that about the West. Thinking along this line, I couldn’t help imagining the clash between how things are done in offices in the east compared to the west.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This alien gag resulted from the fact that the traditional extraterrestrial image that people claim to have been abducted frequently settle on is always without a nose. At most, they have a couple of nostrils. Like Michael Jackson.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, today’s cartoon is another about the Old West ––a favorite theme of mine. With only a few exceptions, Hollywood gave Indians a pretty bad rap for the better part of the 20th century. Most of what the average person (probably anywhere in the world) knows about the Americas’ indigenous people is from Hollywood, and SO much of it is utterly inaccurate. I’m reading a fascinating book right now called “1491,” which is about what the Americas were like up until the villainous Columbus began the onslaught of European invaders. It wasn’t at all like you’ve been led to believe. I highly recommend this book for history buffs or Native Americans who are interested in what the latest archeological information tells us about pre-European America, both north and south.

 

 

PREHISTARROS: After all that high-minded talk about history, let’s have a chuckle at Ben’s expense, whomever he may be.bz010404CombOverWEB

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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