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Honey Jailbird

Bizarro is brought to you today by The End of Civilization.

I like a train wreck as well as the next guy but I’ve not seen this Honey Boo Boo that has become so popular on American TV, and I hope to spare myself that particular pleasure for the rest of my life. For those of you who’ve never heard of her or her show, she’s an obese 8-year-old from a hillbilly family whose mother got her involved in those “beauty pageants” for children. She was (or is) a part of a cable show about those whorish events for pedophiles called Toddlers & Tiaras. Because she and her mother are so unabashedly horrendous in so many ways, she got her own show called, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Of course she did, because that’s how things work now. If you’re an extraordinarily disgusting person and willing to display your skills in front of a camera, you can have a reality show. (Not all reality shows are about disgusting people, but many are.) I think of it as the modern, American version of the habit of ancient Romans of throwing live prisoners (not just Christians) to hungry lions and other dangerous beasts as a crowd watched. Enough people enjoy this kind of thing to score big ratings today, just as they did then. We haven’t changed as much as we’d like to believe. (more…)

Sunday Punnies #28

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(To embiggen this cartoon to a largerest size, click on the barking dog.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Power of Puns.

Welcome to the 28th edition of my Sunday Punnies, in which I illustrate pun suggestions from readers like you. Today’s congratulations go to Doug Folmer, Bruce Nichols, and Barry St. (street?) Vitus. If you’d like to submit a pun for a future edition, follow these simple guidelines: (more…)

Founding Boomerang Jumper Dog Stick Wig

Bizarro is brought to you by The Glories of Technology.

Today in my weekly roundup of Bizarro cartoons we begin with one that ran on President’s Day (in the U.S.).  People are fond of claiming that nothing gets done in Washington but the truth is likely closer to “too much” gets done in Washington. I’m not one of those people who believes that everything would be fine if the government did nothing other than raise an army, but I do think it would be nice if the Patriot Act was scrapped. And also the ludicrous TSA ban on liquids. (more…)

Dopey Pen Abe Coal Armor Bug

Bizarro is brought to you today by How To Build Your Own Sexless Dwarf.

Hello, Jazz Pickles, and welcome to this week’s cartoon round-up. My first cartoon today is a fun little twist on Lance Armstrong’s recent travails. For those who do not recognize that name, he won an unprecedented 7 Tour de Frances (a real hard bicycle race that lasts for days and days). Being the first person to ever come close to such a feat, and having done this after defeating testicular cancer, he was perhaps the biggest hero in sports history. Turns out he was doping in a wide variety of ways, officials inside whatever the international bike racing organization is called knew about it and not only turned a blind eye, but helped him. Wow. Just like that, Armstrong is now the Hitler of sports. Humans can be smarmy. By the way, this bit of fun fun word play was in collaboration with my good friend and The King of Wordplay, Cliff Harris. (more…)

Abs of Mythological Proportions

Bizarro is brought to you today by Bizarro Big Foot.

The “Abominable Snowman” is a creature from the same family as Bigfoot, Sasquatch, and the Yeti. For thousands of years, people all over the world have claimed they have seen these giant, ape/human-like creatures in forests and mountains across the globe.

Science knows little about this ancient species but what we do know is this: They are faster and more cunning than any other species on earth because no matter how many people see them in however many countries, they always manage to escape before anyone can kill or even photograph one properly. The fact that a corpse or skeleton of one has never been found either, tells us they are either immortal or have their own funeral and burial system that hides their bodies more effectively than the impotent minds of humans can discover. (more…)

Loser Dingbat Sexy Hoax Pop-Tart Museum

Bizarro is brought to you today by Gay Police Raids.

It’s been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon but that has nothing to do with me so I’m not going to get into it right now.

Instead, let’s talk about this week in Bizarro cartoons. Have you ever met anyone like Jason, who has virtually no chance of holding any kind of meaningful position in the world? If not, just go to one of your high school reunions and you’ll meet quite a few. As for me, my high school was full of independent-thinking, creative types and all of them (like myself) are scattered around the planet and too wrapped up in their own lives to organize reunions with any kind of regularity. Or, perhaps they just don’t invite me. Hmmm. (more…)

Bizarro’s 2012 Year in Review

(To view this cartoon as big as a pink elephant, click on the barfing character’s butt.)

Very soon our tiny planet will have successfully made another revolution around the sun and I am thankful for the ability to say so without fear of prosecution. Galileo spent the rest of his life under arrest for saying the same thing in 1633, so we shouldn’t take these things for granted. In addition to that excellent news, I have had a tremendously successful year in my own life and I want to share those victories with you now.  As is done by so many others at this time of year, (more…)

Santa Ruminant Heathen Odorless Maneuver Amputee Webcam

(To see this cartoon as big as the star over the nativity scene, click the ball on Santa’s hat.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Christmas Kidnapping.

The bizarre and convoluted imagery of modern-day Christmas has fascinated me since I was old enough to notice it. (Sometime in my teens.) I’ve since learned that there are many and various ancient myths and holidays that were incorporated into it over the centuries, including the virgin birth (the birth of heroes to virgins, often with some kind of god as the father, are common in many pre-Christian mythologies), the king born of poverty (another common mythological element and likely the reason that to this day, Americans like to vote for a “down home” candidate for president, the sort you’d want to “have a beer with”), the Christmas tree, (a pagan symbol of the winter solstice), and Santa Claus (derived from the pre-Christian, Germanic god, Odin, who flew through the skies giving gifts at Yule [Dec 25] on an eight-legged horse, later morphed into eight reindeer.) Anyway, for the past couple of Christmases, I’ve had some fun combining modern elements of the holiday with the original nativity scene of Christian mythology. Here’s last year’s, in case you’ve forgotten. (more…)

Mao Dummy Alien Cat Pee God Santa Nixon Crook

 

(To see this cartoon as big as China, click on Mao’s third button.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Hover Cats.

I’ve been away for a while visiting my hometown of Tulsa, Oklahoma. I was asked to deliver the commencement address at their midterm graduation and had a ball doing it. As many times as I have spoken and performed in public, I was pretty nervous. Big crowd, lots of big brains, funny outfits, a giant basketball scoreboard with a live video feed of me talking hanging over the center of the room right in front of me. To top it all off, I couldn’t see my notes so I had to mostly wing it. I guess it went okay. (more…)

Shag Dark Ghost Corpse

Bizarro is brought to you today by Pilgrims and Indians.

Well, if all goes as planned, today is Thanksgiving Day in the U.S.  The holiday supported by a coloring book story about pilgrims and native Americans getting together peacefully (for the last time?) to have dinner and give thanks or something. We celebrate this by, and as an ethical vegan I cannot resist saying this, slaughtering millions of innocent beings who’ve lived their short lives in uncomfortable captivity so we can gorge ourselves like gluttons. In December, the massacre starts all over again in the name of “peace on Earth.” Whatever. (more…)

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