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Zombie Mummy Vampire Pirate Toado

Bizarro is brought to you today by He Man.

Here are five cartoons leading up to Halloween. If you are from a country which does not celebrate Halloween and you have never heard of it, it is a holiday at the end of October during which we Americans disguise our children as murderers, monsters, and demons and send them door to door asking for handouts. (more…)

Sunday Punnies #24

(To see this cartoon all big, click on the bird in the middle panel.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Kooky Tiki Collectors.

Welcome to my blog. If you’ve never been here before, I hope you enjoy poking around a bit. I post about three times a week and comment (often humorously) on my various efforts. If you’re a regular to this blog, skip the previous three sentences and move on. (more…)

Mattress Fine Boss Penguin Pirate

Bizarro is brought to you today by Courageous Eyebrows.

Man (woman and undecided), it’s been a busy week at Bizarro International Headquarters. So much going on that I can barely keep up. Last weekend I was at the San Diego Comic Con, which if you like 10 square miles of unnavigable crowds of nerds and wackos is where you ought to be. It’s gotten so out of hand that it’s beginning to make Burning Man look like a Republican convention. (more…)

Three Parrots Chess

(To see this carton all big, click on any parrot in this picture.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Shoulder Pet Art.

I put out a book of Bizarro pirate cartoons a couple years ago––do you have it? If not, that may be the nagging sense of emptiness that you’ve been feeling lately. Whatever the case, this cartoon is not in that book because it is new and publishers will not publish something that does not yet exist at the time of printing. Moreover, this one is a collaboration with my known associate, Wayno. You may wonder what Wayno has to say about this gag. If so, you can find out here. I think it’s lots of fun. (more…)

>Penguin Camouflage

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Casual Chic.

A lot of people liked this pirate cartoon and I do too. Penguins are inherently funny and sitting on the shoulder of a bad ass makes them even funnier. Just my opinion, no angry comments, please.

The Sunday cartoon below if from July 4th weekend. It isn’t really meant to be particularly patriotic or anything, I just happened to think of it when I needed a cartoon to run on July 4th. Here in NYC, we have camouflaged soldiers walking through subway stations and airports keeping an eye out for terrorists or whatever. It often occurs to me that in urban settings such as this, traditional camouflage performs the opposite function from what it was intended. They might as well be wearing garish clown suits or foam rubber mascot costumes.

Of course, they’re not really trying to disappear in those situations so the whole argument makes no sense. I just wanted an excuse to mention foam rubber mascot costumes. Gosh, those things are great.

>Pieces of Eight

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Embarrassing History Under Glass.

Eight relatively unknown facts about pirates:

Pirates did not wear a skull and crossbones on their hats, unless they had recently raided a Halloween store.

While most pirates had parrots on their shoulders, some kept rodents in their pants.

Pirates wore a patch over one eye to save money on mascara.

Unlike their 18th century predecessors, modern day pirates do not attempt to look like Keith Richards.

Many pirates suffered severe bone damage by jamming their foot into a peg leg.

The symbol on the pirate flag, the “Jolly Roger,” replaced the “Jolly Rancher” flag in 1704.

Legend has it that one pirate of particularly ruthless reputation had a spell cast on him that made him impervious to death. Many people believe that “Captain Iron Heart” still stalks the world today, spreading terror and misery with unparalleled blood lust.

As far as historians can determine, there was never a pirate called Tyler “Poopy Drawers” Cohen.

Don’t forget today’s contest at 7pm Eastern. Be there or be squarely elsewhere.

>Villainous Heroes of History

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Budget Family Cruises.

Like pirates, vikings were ruthless killers, thieves and slave owners. Their main source of income was sailing to another country, killing the men and stealing everything they could find a use for, including their women. And yet, we have made pop culture heroes of them.

In spite of their lack of positive social contribution, I love to do viking cartoons. Drawing their ships, outfits and horny hats is a kick and there is something about infamous amoral hellions that makes for a seemingly never-ending pool of humor.

Viking gags run in my family as I am married to the step-granddaughter of Dik Browne, the creator of Hagar the Horrible, which conveniently also makes her the stepdaughter of his son, Chris Browne, who took over the strip after Dik passed. All told, CHNW is related to five professional cartoonists, including her bio-dad (Ralph Smith, editorial cartoonist and former syndicated dude), an uncle (Chance Browne, Hi and Lois), and me. I’m pretty sure that’s the record.

>Please Get Some Help

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Biker Chick.

I began consulting psychotherapists and counselors in my late twenties when I was beset with depression. I’ve always found therapy helpful in a crisis-by-crisis context, that is to say that I don’t just go once a week for years on end no matter what is going on in my life, like Woody Allen or this pampered rich lady I know who actually just needs more attention for her trivial soap-opera-of-a-life than the public is willing to give her. I go when I’m having trouble with something specific like a breakup, a job change, etc., and continue until I’ve got a grip on it. That’s how it works best for me.

My first therapist, the one treating me for depression all those years ago, taught me to monitor my feelings more closely, discern why I react a certain way to certain stimulus, and be more assertive in getting my own needs met. Then she died of cancer. I immediately sought the help of another therapist in dealing with my abandonment issues.

The most important thing about the process is to pick a therapist who is right for you. For those of you considering therapy for the first time, here are some tips about choosing one:

1. Once your therapist begins helping you help yourself, it is quite common to have very strong feelings for them. Some patients even believe they are in love. This is called “transference.” For this reason, pick a therapist that you could not possibly imagine having sex with, no matter how drunk you were. If you’re straight, pick someone of the same sex, if you’re gay, choose someone of the opposite sex. If you’ve got “daddy issues,” choose someone younger than you, etc. My current therapist is an avid fan of reality game shows, smells like damp Fritos, and dresses like a clown.

2.Therapy styles vary widely. Some offer advice and feedback, others sit silently for months and force you to do all the work, claiming the only way one can truly learn is to discover the answers for oneself. Choose the style that is right for you. If you are actually interested in solving your problems and moving on, someone who offers feedback might be best. If, on the other hand, you just want someone to listen to you whine, your friends and family have cut you off, and money is no object, the quiet kind may be just what the doctor ordered. My own opinion is that the quiet kind is little more than a very expensive bartender who serves no alcohol.

3. Run a background check on your therapist. If he or she has a record of extracting personal information from vulnerable people then posting it on a web site with hidden-camera videos of them using their tiny office bathroom, shy away. The legal case can drag on for years.

4. When speaking of your spouse, refrain from expressions like, “I want to kill her.” They are required to report this to the authorities.

I hope you have found this list to be informative and that it helps you find help. If you’re anything like me, you really need it.

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