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Cluck Brag Kiss Shout

bz panel 11-10-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Food Discrimination.

Here’s a lovely pastoral view of a truly free-range chicken farm where some of its residents are planning a vacation. It is nothing like where real chickens come from.

 

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I’ve been giving a lot of thought recently about the important things in life and have decided that the amount of money and “things” you have isn’t one of them.

 

 

 

 

This idea from my good friend, Cliff Harris the King of Wordplay is a bit dated, but only if you don’t know jack-shit about history. Henry Kissinger was once one of the most powerful people in the world. Now he’s relegated to a carnival midway booth, which is both deep and funny, if you look at it a certain way.

BYGONE BIZARRO: Here’s a fun one from 2000bizarro 09-01-00WEB. If you’ve ever been in a recording studio, you’ll find this hilarious.

Quintuple Cavalcade of Comedy

Bizarro is brought to you today by Tiny Alien.

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Monday: Dogs are funny. Dogs without electronics are just sad. (Get a print of this cartoon.)

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Tuesday: I was on a jury once for a one-day civil trial and it was boring as hell. I can imagine after a long trial wishing that someone would kill me. (Get a print of this cartoon.)

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Wednesday: Some birds dig predigested worms and bugs from their mother’s throat when they’re young. This guy is one of those, but he needs to grow up. (Get a print of this cartoon.)

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Thursday: If you find yourself tempted to believe that any substantial amount of America’s problems are being caused by illegal aliens, remind yourself that historically this is an ancient technique by dishonest governments to shift blame. And it almost always works. In this case, the corporations who run our country and their puppet politicians say, “Yes, things are lousy, but it isn’t our fault. It’s their fault!” Then they point to illegals, gay marriage, abortion clinics, terrorists, climate change scientists, whatever “other” they can find to unite the rest of us against something other than those in charge. Don’t fall for it. You’re smarter than that. (Get a print of this cartoon)

DEJA VIEW: Since Tuesday was Election* Day in the U.S., here’s a cartoon from 2001 in which I recommended some things I thought could improve the country. None of my suggestions were followed as near as I can tell.Bizarro02-11-01WEB

*A choice between two politicians already chosen by the corporations who run America.

Spyware Neutering

bizarro 08-31-14 hedrWEB Bizarro 08-31-14 WEBBizarro is brought to you today by Invisible Man on Vacation.

As they say in my home state of Oklahoma, I went “hog-ass wild” on the art on today’s comic. Not only are there a whopping 10 secret symbols to look for, don’t miss the extra details I put in this one, or my toil will have been in vain. The reflections in the counter tops and floors, the nuanced positions of the characters as they record their every movement (bowels included?) with their smart phones, and the tiny image in the screen of the phone of the man in the foreground. I hope you enjoy it. If you will allow me to be even more immodest for a moment, I’d also like to say that I’m proud of this gag. (For a larger view, click any coffee mug.)

 

 

 

VINTAGE JAZZ PICKLAGE: From the vaults of my archival dungeon I offer you this fun little nothing from 1999. I still enjoy this gag and hope you will, too. Two of the dogs in this cartoon were mine at the time I drew this. The orange and white on on the couch (Steve), and the dark brown and white one on the blue chair (Bruno). biz18tsc WEB

Disastrous Profits

Bizarro 08-10-14 hdrWEBBizarro 08-10-14 WEBBizarro is brought to you today by Graffiti.

In this imagination of the not-too-distant future, I indulge the climate change deniers with a world in which they still run things. Corporations have found that there is still more money in pollution than in intelligent energy solutions, and so the human population of Earth is left wearing expensive contraptions to protect them from the hostile environment.

Yes, I know that the climate of the Earth changes naturally and our species’ time here is likely limited one way or another, but to hasten this rare paradise’s demise for the sake of a few extra million bucks in the pockets of a handful of already-filthy-rich executives is simply idiotic. And yet, many of us continue to pretend it isn’t happening and that the whole thing is a plot by scientists to get their names in the paper.

Buy a really nice color print of the above comic here.

PALEOZARRO: Way back in the last century, I did this Sunday cartoon about a different kind of idiocy, also relating to the so-called “end of the world.” All of these scenarios is actually the end of humanity’s world. The planet will go on quite happily without us.

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Legal Hair Wisdom

bz panel 07-24-14bz strip 07-24-14bz panel 07-25-14bz strip 07-25-14bz panel 07-26-14bz strip 07-26-14Bizarro is brought to you today by What Was Eeyore’s Crime?

I’m on vacation this week so I’m keeping my blog comments brief.

 

 

 

Thursday’s cartoon: This one is autobiographical. If you live long enough, chances are it will be for you, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friday’s cartoon: This one is autobiographical, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday’s cartoon: This has never happened to me.

Seuss Goth Magic Santa Alien

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Willing Victims.

I’ve always been one to think of “ordinary” things objectively, which is why I’m fairly good at coming up with cartoons. As a kid, I often wondered why cow’s milk was fine but horse or dog or pig milk was revolting. Eventually, I became repulsed by cow’s milk, as well, and as it turns out it’s a pretty unhealthy thing for humans to consume, contrary to everything you’ve heard all your life. That kind of thinking (and research) led me to adopt a vegan diet over 12 years ago, which has greatly improved my health and happiness. That kind of thinking also led to this cartoon about eating famous Seuss characters.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My buddy, Andy Cowan, and I offer this alternate way of looking at the expression, “your hair.” I thought some severe goth girls might be a good vehicle for this one. I just noticed that the girl on the left has a missing tattoo in the strip version. No idea how that happened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The popular, fairly new crossbreed of labradors and poodles, the “labradoodle,” led to this mash-up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To catch us up to date, here’s a gag about the existence of Santa. Poor guy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BIZARRO BOOMERANG: Immigration problems have been in the news a bit lately so here is an offering from 1999 that shows that things never change all that much. In fact, I may do an alternate version of this one and run it again soon. Keep your eyes peeled, as painful as that might be.bz990501WEB

Side note: I love the drawing of these aliens, if I may be so immodest.

 

 

 

Security Invasion

Bizarro 06-22-14 hdrWEb Bizarro 06-22-14 WEBBizarro is brought to you today by Brief Survey.

If you’re not accustomed to going through security at American airports, you may miss some of this gag. The wording these guys say over and over, all day long is, “Completely empty the contents of your pockets and take off your shoes.” (Which you are supposed to put in a tray.) Yes, we Americans still have to take off our shoes and run them through the X-ray machine because years ago, some mentally disturbed lunatic tried to ignite a bomb he had hidden in his shoe. Thank god he didn’t hide it in his underwear. So, while thinking of what a security check might look like on an alien planet, I came up with this gag. Theoretical physicists would back me up that this could potentially be happening on another planet, or a parallel universe. So there.

I must admit that I think the TSA is an enormous waste of money and resources. Studies have shown that it is just as easy as it ever was to sneak weapons onto a commercial airline, so all they are really doing is inconveniencing honest people and costing the government billions. I call it “theater of security,” and believe it mostly exists to convince Americans that it is safe to travel by air. Which, statistically, it is, with or without the TSA.

DEJA VIEW: From 1998 I bring you this idea about aliens. You likely can’t see it at this resolution, but each pea has a little eyeball and two antennae. So cute! (Click the owl for a larger view.) I particularly like this couple’s quirky sense of decorating. Note also that because the aliens are from another planet, they speak with a different font than humans.Bizarro 07-05-98 PeasWEb

Snoopy Clog Rock Apple

Bizarro 05-18-14 hedrBizarro 05-18-14 WEBBizarro is brought to you today by Unreasonable Request.

There’s been quite a lot about the NSA in the news lately and, even though I have given up the idea that a government or the law can be “fair,” the fact that our own government is spying on us is deplorable. Many great minds have said something like: You have to choose freedom or safety, you can’t have both.  Personally, I’d rather be more free and less safe, but that’s just me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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From last Friday comes this gag which discloses one of Batman’s rare weaknesses.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And Saturday’s cartoon features a familiar scene from Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves, with a modern twist. There’s probably no end to the number of “username and password” cartoons that a person could do but I’m going to try to stop now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BYGONE BIZARRO: This cartoon from 1997 reminds us that even the Devil doesn’t take New York City lightly. I lived there for ten years and I don’t blame him.bz 08-19-97 Eden NYC

Vengeance Isolation Evil

bz panel 05-09-14bz strip 05-09-14bz panel 05-10-14bz strip 05-10-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Just Do It.

As I knew I would, I got more than a few questions about the meaning of this cartoon. Many seem to have assumed that the man to the left of the king is Christopher Columbus. He is not, he’s just a member of the court dressed the way those guys used to dress.

Though a bit shrouded, the concept behind this gag is simple: these guys are assuming that a tragedy is their god’s response to their tolerance of something they deem to be wicked, but which is actually a genetic feature of a percentage of the public. It is a matter of historical record that many people used to consider left-handedness to be wicked; a sign of the devil. Children with this proclivity were forced to learn to use their right hand so they would not be ostracized by their society. Sound familiar?

In my opinion, one of modern human society’s worst crimes is our attitude toward and treatment of people whose sexual wiring is not strictly heterosexual. If we don’t cause our own extinction first, there will most certainly come a time when people look back at the current day and cringe at the way we viewed homosexuality as archaic and superstitious. I hope I live to see it.

 

 

 

The next cartoon is fairly self-explanatory, so I’ll let you get back to what you were doing. But first, this.

 

 

 

 

 

VINTAGE JAZZ PICKLAGE: In 2006, I did another cartoon with the same motif. I’m still very proud of this one and encourage you to share it with any young people you know who are struggling with their sexual orientation. Or, just someone you think will find it funny. Bizarro-05-14-06GAYsm

 

 

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