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Clones, Babies, Honey, Mom

Bizarro is brought to you today by How To Treat Heat Prostration.

I have been remiss in my blogging responsibilities of late. Spending a week one block from Hell will do that to a person. I was in Texas and Oklahoma visiting family and experienced the daily 100+ degrees of what is being called “the worst heat wave in the history of this area this month.” Oklahoma isn’t actually Hell, but you can easily walk to it from there. Daily highs averaged around 106, the high temperature I experienced was 111 degrees on Saturday. At midnight, when the city was quiet and temps are still in the high 90s, you could hear Satan laughing as he watched reruns of Two and a Half Men. It was chilling, but not in a way that made it any cooler. (more…)

Stupid Heat

Bizarro is brought to you today by I’m Out Of Town and Trying To Do This Quickly So I Didn’t Take The Time To Find A Clever Picture.

Damn, it’s hot down here in Texas. Today we go to Oklahoma where it is even hotter. It’s miserable, but I do take some comfort in knowing that Oklahoma is the state of  Senator Jim Inhofe, the single most outspoken opponent of  Climate Change and all things scientific (I can’t swear to it, but I’d bet he believes in the creation story of Genesis), and one of the singularly stupidest people holding any kind of office anywhere. Except for Michelle Bachmann and if Sarah Palin is ever elected again. I hope he’s frying is ass off. (more…)

Norway Massacre

A lot of people have been asking me about this so I’m posting a few comments about it.

The right-wing maniac who killed a bunch of kids in Norway last week used one of my cartoons in the video he posted about his political beliefs. The still image below, about 2 1/2 minutes into his video, is the one in which my cartoon appears. Mine isn’t the only cartoon he employed; the entire video is one image after another, and a lot of editorial cartoons are used to support his point. (more…)

Bliss Talk

Bizarro is brought to you today by Improper Sexual Advances of the 1950s.

Advances in DNA studies continue to point to the fact that more of our personalities, dispositions, and even personal choices are genetically programmed than we have previously thought. With what we know about evolution, human and otherwise, I have developed a theory of my own, which I will be publishing in the New England Journal of Ideas by People with Perhaps Too Much Time on Their Hands, called The Theory of Too Much Information. It goes like this: (more…)

>Wind Spitting

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(To see these cartoons bigger, click them. To find this McDonalds cartoon on fine merch, click here.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Childhood Dreams.

Today we have two cartoons about clowns. One from now and one from 1997.

I’m one of those people who think that clowns are creepy as hell. I’ve never found graphic representations or photos of clowns creepy, just the live version, the person dressed like a psycho getting in your face and trying to make you laugh. Even as a child I instinctively did not trust people in costumes. Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, clowns, you name it. I couldn’t help but think that if they meant me no harm they would not be concealing their identity. It’s as simple as that.

Ronald McDonald is perhaps the most malevolent clown of all. The fact that the sort of worldwide cruelty and destruction that the McDonald’s corporation is responsible for is represented by a clown is like something from a horror movie. They guy owns thousands of things called slaughter houses, for one thing. “Slaughter” isn’t a funny word. I wont’ go into a lot of detail, but the animal cruelty, environmental destruction and international health crises that are wrought by cheap hamburgers and chicken parts is a holocaust. I know it’s the way the world works and it will not likely ever change, I’m just saying it sends chills down my spine.

I drew the McDonalds cartoon shortly after CHNW and I spent the night in an emergency room when she was hit by a NYC cab. Hospital ERs are not fun to draw because they are either incredibly spare and dull, like the doorway I’ve drawn here, or incredibly complex, like the rest of the rooms full of gadgets and equipment. It’s a no-win for an artist.

“Fopah the Clown” is a weird little story about politically correct language. I don’t remember why I wrote it or what I was thinking, but I’ve never been a fan of PC language in general. After seeing it evolve over the past 30+ years, I think it is a great way to act like we’re doing something to end discrimination without really doing anything. Seems to be little more than lip service.

I could be wrong and probably am. I’m just one man spitting into the wind on a blog, as usual. Please come back and watch me spit some more next week.

Hope the rest of your weekend is like this.

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>Halloween, Idiots, Teeth

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Teeth.

I hope everyone had a dandy Halloween weekend. CHNW and I stayed home and watched scary movies. If you ever want to see a movie that will absolutely make your blood run cold and afraid to be alone after dark for the rest of your life, find one other than 1959’s House on Haunted Hill, starring Vincent Price. If, on the other hand, you want to get stoned and laugh your buttocks off, this might be just the right choice.

I love old movies (and new movies, too, I’m not some weird gay guy still living with his mother, after all) and it always amazes me what passed for scary in olden times. Part of my problem is probably that I don’t believe in anything supernatural – ghosts, demons, magic, spirits, etc. – so I never fall for those kinds of stories. The only movies I find “scary” are films about murderers or whatever. Things that could actually happen to me. I can’t bear slasher or torture movies at all.

When I was a teenager, however, it was different. During my brief few years as a fundamentalist “teen for Jesus” type, I firmly believed in the devil and demons, so movies like The Exorcist scared the crap out of me. Almost as much as the prospect of President Sarah Palin does now, for instance. Oh yeah, it’s election day, I have to go vote. You should go vote, too, unless you’re superstitious and think that gays, Mexicans and socialists are trying to take over America. Then maybe you should skip it.

Let the angry comments begin!

By the way, the “idiot” joke above was a collaboration between me and my good friend, Wayno. Here’s his post on how it morphed as we discussed it.

>Halloween

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Pumpkin
Abuse.

It is Halloween weekend and if I were a 10-year-old child I’d be getting my costume ready for trick-or-treating. But since I am ancient and my sciatica is acting up, I’ll probably stay in with my nurse and have her rub liniment on my lower back. Did I mention my nurse is a 24-year-old student from Sweden?

A few years ago, I started doing “Scariest Halloween Costumes of (year)” Sunday cartoons and have kept that tradition. Here today are all of them since 2007 when I began.

(click the cartoon images for a biggerer view)
As you can see, the first one is graphically fairly simple in comparison to what I did in later years. In this one I referred to global warming, the lead toys from China scandal, NFL quarterback Michael Vick’s dog fighting problems, more about the environment with the over-zealous breeders, and the consistently abhorrent anti-role models, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. Strangely, I got the most hate mail about the population crisis. Many fundamentalist Christians took exception to my contradiction of their lord’s instructions to “be fruitful and multiply.” I still contend He was talking about practicing your math skills.

In ’08, an election year, I touched on the collapsing economy and blamed it on the Republicans, which everyone but a die-hard Republican would agree with. I also hit the TV writer’s strike, which has pretty much been forgotten by now. I expected hate mail about the drunken elephant and got some.

2009 brought the term “Zombie bank” into the popular lexicon, which was a natural for this. It was also the year Kanye West made an ass of himself at the MTV awards (or whatever it was), Michael Jackson died, and Fox and it’s minions funded and organized the faux grass-roots protests about health care reform. I got hate mail about the health care reform aspect on this one, of course.

This year’s cartoon does not touch on political events at all, though there were plenty of easy targets. The Fox News funded and organized, faux grass-roots Tea Baggers would have been an obvious choice but American politics have become so incredible incendiary and stupid that I no longer bother to editorialize. (Except here on this blog.) I’ve decided that such things do nothing to change anyone’s mind and amid the current epidemic of idiocy, I might get tarred and feathered or lynched. Still, I think the three topics I chose are funny, especially the little Jesse James Nazi kid with his toy chopper bike. Although Jay Leno stealing candy from a baby makes me smile, too. I can’t imagine what hate mail I could get from this one but I’m often surprised. I’ll keep you updated.

Have fun on Halloween this year and be safe. Unless being safe ruins your fun, in which case you should just go for it. What’s a few less humans on a crowded planet?

>Samson Drugs Teabagger

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Elections.

We’ve all had a good time the last few days discussing our various beliefs about science, diet and cancer, but now it’s time to get down to something serious: comedy.

What could be more blissful and relaxing than living in a pharmaceutical ad? You feel no anxiety, you don’t have to pee, you can get an erection any time the mood strikes and you can eat like a pig without worrying about your cholesterol. Of course, there are encyclopedias of terrifying side effects to consider, but those are only represented in the dulcet tones of the voice over. Nothing bad ever happens in a pharmaceutical ad. Count me in!

Less euphoric is the world of luggage transportation. Even with the unbelievably recent addition of wheels (we’ve had luggage and the wheel for tens of thousands of years and it was the late 20th century before anyone thought to combine them!) one still has to schlep one’s luggage up and down stairs, into cars, over curbs, onto the scales at the airport, etc. If I’m traveling with the full 49.9 lbs suitcase, I always return with a backache. One would think the legendary strongman, Samson, would be immune to such human weakness, but along comes Samsonite.

Speaking of catastrophe, I’m trying hard not to worry about the elections in a couple of weeks. I know that Americans will just hand the country back over to the party that took eight years to ruin it because the current party couldn’t fix it in two years. It’s a done deal. So I’m telling myself ahead of time that it’s already happened, things will get worse, humans are a deeply flawed species, someday I’ll die and none of it will matter.

Maybe I’ll be surprised and American voters in sufficient numbers will just say no to Fox News, but I think that’s unlikely so we might as well have some fun with it and elect a Mr. T impersonator or a masturbation-opposing witch. As long as you’re destined to listen to morons on the news for x number of years, you might as well go for the craziest ones possible. That’s entertainment!

Another comedy post tomorrow, I hope to see your eyes peering through the computer screen again then, except for those of you who are big fans of Fox News and swear me off for good.

>Conspiracies

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Conspiracy Theories.

This cartoon got some angry letters from readers who believe that 9/11 was an inside job and felt I was making fun of them. Most of the letters were polite and chided me for being uniformed about the various holes in the “official” story and included links to prove their case. I’ve seen most of these sites before but viewed them again so I could be totally, totally informed.

I don’t mean to insult any of you who believe this, but here is my position, for what it’s worth. I have no doubt that Cheney and Bush (word order intentional) would have done such a thing if they could. But considering their utter failure at everything else they touched, I find it inconceivable that they could have pulled off a mission so huge and complex without everything going wrong. First, a lot of people would have had to be in the loop and history tells us that people are not good at keeping secrets; someone would have come forward by now with irrefutable evidence, not just conjecture. Second, you can find holes in every story, true or not. The human brain is irresistibly drawn to conspiracy theories, it’s part of our evolutionary nature to study events, construct a story and draw conclusions. Different people come to different conclusions, but they can’t all be true. As it turns out, the simplest explanation is usually correct. Bin Laden is the simplest explanation here, by far.

The Bush administration was clearly guilty of ignoring repeated warnings about the attack beforehand and using it as a tool to frighten the nation into attacking a country that had nothing to do with it. And we all know how well that worked out for the U.S. They used 9/11 in the most unscrupulous way imaginable to get what they had been wanting for years and that alone is enough to put them in jail forever. But I don’t think they orchestrated it. I think it was Bin Laden. Just my opinion, we all have one.

As I said, most of the letters were polite but here is one that falls into some other category. I found it amusing, I hope you do, too. It appears here in its entirety, except for the signature.

THIS PAST WEEK ?NOT SO FUNNY BUT ALSO A LIE : “BUSH DIDN’T
DO 911 … “MEANING ? HE DID , OR HE DID NOT ?AND YOU KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE >? BUSH DID NINE ELEVEN AND TWELVE AND 2 WARS ? I
REALLY LIKE THE BIZARRO COMIC , BUT I DID NOT GET THIS ONE … SHAME ON YOU AND OUR GOVERNMENT FROM 2001 TO 2008 , AND THE LITTLE BOYS STILL COVERING IT UP … I AM 76 YRS OLD AND DO NOT LIKE JOKES LIKE THAT . THIS /THAT WAS A” FALSE FLAG ATTACK “. MAY THE TALIBAN KICK PETRAEUS AS AND THEN YOURS .. I KNOW HEARST IS A RAG PAPER : I AM JUST ABOUT TO WRITE TO SCARPETTA,(PATRICIA CORNWELL ) PAGE 158 CHAPTER
10 … BERGER LOOKS OUT HER WINDOW AND SEES FLIGHT 11 CRASH INTO WTC.
THEN THE SECOND PLANE HIT … NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
FN PLANE CRASHED INTO ANY BUILDING … CHECK OUT THE STATISTICS AT TRANSPORTATION DEPT (KNOWN HAS RITA ) DEPARTURES ,, FLIGHTS 11,175,77,
93 ? FLEW ON 9/10 , AND WERE PENCILLED IN HAS FLYING ON 9/11/2001
(MISSING THE TAIL NUMBERS AND DEPARTURE TIME …

I responded to the other emails, but not this one. I don’t actually speak this man‘s language and I couldn’t be certain he has a translator available.

ON A DIFFERENT TOPIC:
Hey, kids. A reader just told me that somebody posted some random clips from my Baloney Show on Funny or Die. Please go to that site and vote “funny.” I’m too young to die.

Thanks!

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/d0d4a60502/the-bizarro-baloney-show-by-dan-piraro

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