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>Anatomically Incorrect

Bizarro is brought to you today by The King’s Colonoscopy.

Speaking of which, it is time for me, once again, to pay a stranger to shove things into my rectum. Yes, I am overdue for a colonoscopy, the medical equivalent of prison rape.

I had one about ten years ago, when I turned 40, and after complaining to my friends about how it was the worst, most painful day of my life, they all said, “But you’re not supposed to remember it. They give you that amnesia drug.”

Huh? They gave me no such drug. I guess they forgot. Perhaps they took it themselves.

Now I’m (over)due for another and I don’t want to do it because:
A. The last one was a nightmare
B. I don’t have health insurance and it’s expensive
C. I don’t know where/who to go to. Am I supposed to pick someone randomly from the Yellow Pages and pay them to shove things into my butt? Sounds like more like Craig’s List than modern medicine.

A reasonable blog reader might ask, “Why don’t you have health insurance, Dan?”

Because in NY it is phenomenally expensive when you are not affiliated with any group or employer. The cheapest I’ve found is through the Freelancers Union (which isn’t really a “union” but a group of freelancers who buy insurance together so it is cheaper) and it’s still over $1000 a month for minimum coverage for my wife and me, and of course, that doesn’t include “pre-existing conditions” or anything else they decide they don’t want to pay for. I’d literally rather die than pay $12,000 a year to an extortion corporation, only to be denied money back later when I really need it. It is the definition of organized crime.

I Twooted this last night, but how is it that even the dimmest Americans cannot see these two simple facts:
1. All politicians who oppose government-run health care actually HAVE government-run health care.
2. All politicians who oppose government-run health care are taking huge amounts of money from the insurance industry and big pharm.

Will this country ever wake up, or do I see residency in Europe in my future?

>Visiting A Broad

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Vixen Travel Services.

I like this cartoon for its simplicity. The absurd lack of geographic proficiency of Americans is embarrassing and reflects our arrogance. It is yet another item on the “Why They Hate Us” list, and who can blame them? Far too many Americans are too self-absorbed and intellectually lazy to find out what is going on outside of our own borders. Or inside, for that matter. That’s how the network calling itself “Fox News” gets away with passing off their absurd propaganda as “news.”

On a less stressful note, with all the excitement of yesterday’s first Bizarro contest I barely got any sleep last night. By the time the Western press was finished with me, around midnight, the Asian press started in. It was exhausting.

This morning, the winner, a reader indentifying himself as “t. tex,” wrote to me and I was surprised to find out he is a guy I knew way back in my squandered youth in Texas. When I was front man for The Doo, Tex was at the helm of the infamous Dallas punkrock band, The Nervebreakers.

Tex is in Austin now, (good choice) and has a pretty interesting blog about music and other odd things. I got lost there this morning, applying my eye bones to the many peculiar photos and sundry art, to which I will be linking in the future. Always fun to find a new source.

Gotta catch some shut eye now. Conan wanted me on his show tonight to talk about the contest, but I just can’t make it all the way out to the West Coast on such short notice.

See you in dreamland, kiddies…

>Join the Club

>Bizarro is brought to you today by The Talent Portion of Our Competition.

What’s funnier than caveman violence? A lot of things, but today’s cartoon is about caveman violence anyway.

I guess this joke comes from the recent economic catastrophe, known in some corners as The Bush Legacy, and while there is nothing funny about so many people being out of work, maybe a recently laid off employee might look at this cartoon and say to him or herself, “well, at least I didn’t get clubbed or speared.” Or perhaps even, “At least I don’t have to go around in a one-shoulder dead animal skin and get an uneven tan. At least not yet, anyway.”

Keep in mind that during the Great Depression, things were even worse than this and FDR brought us out of it with government spending, which Republicans (who pushed us into that one, too) decried as insanity. Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it and here we are again. But things are beginning to turn around. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for a quick recovery. It took 8 years to bury the country this deep, it’s going to take more than a few months to dig it out.

P.S. I think I used that photo that is beneath the “Talent Portion” link above before, but it’s so great, I decided to use it again.

Until tomorrow, smile with every lip on your face…

>Zombie Therapy

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Fashion Police.

Monsters who feel remorse for their behavior is a regular theme in vampire dramas – HBO’s “True Blood,” the film, “Twilight” – so I thought it might be fun to extend the same feelings to a zombie. He eats people’s brains, then feels bad about it. If only Karl Rove were capable of such emotion.

A libertarian reader told me recently that he believed government should stay out of our way because most people are basically good and will do the right thing without government intervention. He called my view that humans cannot be trusted, “cynical.”

He’s absolutely right, it is cynical. I also happen to think it is realistic and accurate, as witnessed by recent human history. (By “recent,” I mean the past 100,000 years.) While most “individuals” might be good, groups of idividuals in power cannot be trusted. Corporations are amoral by definition – their sole purpose for existence is to make money, not serve humanity – and the very small percentage of people who rise to the top of corporations are very often as unethical and unrepentant as a zombie. That’s how they get there. Bernie Madoff, Ken Lay, Dick Cheney, everyone on Wall Street, etc.

People who rise to the top of government usually have the same problem, of course; power almost always corrupts. But the difference is that government is not amoral by definition and in a republic such as ours, the politicians eventually, in some way, must answer to the rest of us. That is to say that if things get out of hand we can fire them, as we did to so many Republicans in the last election. (Of course, people have to be smart enough to figure out they are being screwed, which sometimes takes a while, but that’s another story.)

It’s not perfect, god knows, but it’s better than letting markets police themselves and not screw the rest of us (see Wall Street, last eight years), and corporations not to pollute the planet and sell toxic goods to the rest of us (see last 60 years), and people to treat each other fairly and not seek to destroy those with more skin pigment. (See Civil War, civil rights movement, “birthers,” current town hall hooliganism over health care, Glenn Beck, Lou Dobbs, Rush, etc.)

Stories about zombies and vampires are popular because they are a metaphor for our actual lives as we struggle to avoid the bloodsuckers and braineaters at the top. What discourages me most is when the monsters find ways to scare their prey into fighting for them, instead of against, as they have done so often in the past decade and most recently with health care reform.

Enough seriousness, now this.

>Hateful Wino

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Alien Observers.

I like this gag a lot and assumed it was a harmless little play on words. Not to one reader, apparently. Below is one of my favorite bits of hate mail in a good while.

Your’e obviously a Liberal- it’s noticeable in your comics- in the regular little jabs at conservative Americans.
Bet this just blows your ass that your favorite Facist, B.O., Nobama; Owebama-whatever you want to call the lying, racist, piece of shit he is -is dropping like a boulder over a cliff in popularity.
People are finally waking up- Thank GOD- oh, sorry- you probably don’t like that word- too bad.

I do like your work- most of the time. So go ahead ,if it makes you feel better-and continue with the pathetic little jabs at Americans-like your piece today, you poor thing.

Bless your heart.

Aside from her blatant, Fox News zombified view of current events, my favorite part of this is the condescending “poor thing” and “bless your heart” at the end. I replied with a polite note in response saying, truthfully, that I wasn’t sure what she was talking about. What does this cartoon have to do with politics or conservativism? Her response:

Dan- thank you for responding. It is obvious by your cartoon that you feel anyone that carries a gun is an extremist. B.O. said as much during his campaign with his “clinging to guns and religion” remark- in the process offending and insulting a large population.
And obviously you are making a joke-albeit a sick one -that Al queda is conservative because they carry guns- no, they hijack planes and murder 3,000 men ,women and children-but “that’s another topic”.
That you support a lying, racist ,spineless, cry-baby Facist that doesn’t have the balls to take responsibilty for his own actions- [no one forced him to run for president, did they?]is your business.
You, Janine Garafolo and the other liberals just can’t
understand why almost 50% of this country despise this man- so ,we must be racists? His poll # ‘s are dismal across the country,and you blame the south? He is deliberately,systematically destroying this country-that’s quite enough for us to run this pig out of office.
The arrogance and ignorance of your statements are stunning. The racism coming from your “president”-he’s not mine- and the elitism from you just reaffirms why the country is turning against you and yours.
Let me guess- you LOVE Msnbc, Chris MathewsJon Stewart, Letterman, Daily Kos,etc ,right?
Keep drinking the kool-aid-we’ll talk again in 3 1/2 years.

I do like most of your comics-your’e just misguided-bless your heart.

Again, with the heart blessing. So I’ve been set straight at last. I wish she had written sooner.

>Darkness and Despair

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Crappy Internet.

I’ve been without Internet and Cable TV for two days, living in the dark ages like Attila the Hun. I sat in damp darkness eating bugs, totally out of touch with the world, no way to find out what’s going on, no way to find out what “Weeds'” Nancy Botwin‘s latest kerfuffle was, and worst of all, kept away from YOU, by beloved blog friends.

I’m back now and can’t believe all I’ve missed. Republicans have aired a TV commercial linking Sotomayor with Puerto Rican terrorists and infamous unrepentant domestic terrorist, William Ayers. WHAT?!!

Okay, that was about all I missed, I think. I’m back now, until the tiny plastic box bulging with wires and rubber bands and globs of hot glue that services my entire neighborhood in Brooklyn with cable and Internet is bumped by a squirrel again. Keep your cyber-fingers crossed.

>Serving Pervs

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Nine Nekked Men.

This cartoon appeals to me not because I think that transvestites are perverts – what do I care what somebody wears?– but because it sort of represents the hypocrisy we’ve seen in the news lately.

Once again, politicians who had formerly been outspoken and very “Jesusy” about others for cheating on their wives have been caught cheating on their wives. A politician who was turned down for a federal judgeship by a Senate judiciary committee years ago for being a racist, is the ranking Republican on the committee reviewing Judge Sotomayor. And he is, of course, accusing her of being racist. Business as usual in Washington.

Back to transvestites, I’d much rather see a man dressed in drag than anyone dressed like this.

NOTE: Before the “what about Bill Clinton?” comments start pouring in, I’m not talking about politicians who cheat, I’m talking about politicians who use their religious beliefs as a cudgel and toss around terms like “family values” like a frisbee. Yes, Bill Clinton and many other Democrats have been cheating scum. The difference to my mind is that they don’t whip up the religious right to vote for them by pretending to be otherwise. Just my opinion, not worth a nickle more than you paid for it.

>Twitter and Twits

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Gifted Equines.

I don’t Twitter yet – or Tweet, or Twit – but I’m told I should. I can’t remember anything else ever sweeping the globe as quickly as this thing has. A year ago, I don’t know that I’d even heard of Twitter, now I can’t watch five minutes of the news without someone mentioning it. As well as millions of average nobodies like you and me, celebs, polititicians, terrorists, and who-knows-who else is Tweeting. Here’s a random sample from this morning:

Demi Moore...”Ashton is playing with his Hot Wheels on the living room floor again and some of my lady friends are coming over for bridge soon!”

John McCain…”Okay, I confess, I’m a young guy hired to make McCain look hip. He’s sleeping in the back seat of the limo again.”

Pope Benedict XVI…”Damn, these masses are long. I get hungry. Thank God I thought to stash some bratwurst and beer in my big tall hat.”

Okay, I admit that last one was made up. The pope likely is Tweeting, but I doubt any of them are about bratwurst or beer. More likely, he sends out hourly reminders for people not to use contraception or to let their women get too much authority.

Speaking of which, Sarah Palin has been batting 1000 lately. Man, what a media train wreck she is. Her “Quitters Are Losers And I’m No Loser So I’m Quitting The Governorship” speech led me to create the following image. Hope you like it. If you don’t recognize the reference, watch this.

>The Devil, You Say?

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Pure Evil.

This cartoon resulted in a lot of emails from readers, as I suspected it would. The majority loved the cartoon because they hate Cheney, but a few folks are among the dozen-or-so Americans who still support the Dick and wrote to register their complaints.

Some people just wrote asking what this cartoon means. Apparently, there are a lot of folks who are not familiar with the expression that has become popular with some Christian teens: WWJD? (What Would Jesus Do?)

This slogan is the latest in a couple thousand years of attempts at keeping youngsters out of trouble and away from sex. When you’re all worked up and pulling at the buttons of your clothing, you’re supposed to ask yourself, “What would Jesus do if He were here in this situation?”

Well, Michael, Jesus wouldn’t be in the back seat of his Hyundai on top of Jessica from Algebra class in the first place, He’d be standing on a downtown street corner shouting at passers-by, so you’re on your own.

Trying to fight teenage lust with religious guilt is like trying to stay dry in a hurricane with an umbrella. In both cases, it makes more sense to pass out the raincoats and weather the storm.

NOTE: Just for giggles, here’s an image I created before the 2004 “elections.”

>Happy and Erect Fourth!

>Bizarro is brought to you today by the Phallic Police.

I’m not a doctor, but I saw one on TV. So I feel fully qualified to say that I’ll bet 90% of so-called “erectile dysfunction” is caused by poor blood circulation brought on by fat in the viens caused by a crappy diet. We eat garbage and too much of it, then complain because it ruins our bodies, then drug companies design a work-around so you can have your chili cheese fries and boner, too. Until you drop dead, of course.

So instead, let’s address Independence Day. I was fortunate to grow up in a less civilized place and time when it was both legal and socially acceptable to hand a grocery bag full of explosives to a child and send him outside to play. My siblings, cousins, friends and I did this each year, blowing up our toys, the local flora, items from the trash, and occasionally each other. Sure, an occasional finger or eye was sacrificed to “independence,” but what good is a democracy without some wounded veterans?

As teens we graduated to bottle rocket fights, which entailed making a “gun” by attaching a handle of some kind to a piece of plastic pipe, loading a bottle rocket into the pipe, lighting it, pointing it at your opponent, and laughing as they ducked the airborne incendiary. Large groups of us would go to an industrial park or gravel pit, divide up into two armies and shoot at each other till we ran out of ammo. Casualties were anonymously deposited on their parents’ front porch and most people just chalked it up to another teen lost to the cause of freedom.

Now, thanks to the godless, homosexual girlyman liberals, there are laws against explosives inside city limits and children are not allowed to leave the house without safety helmets and proof of insurance. I wonder how we expect to defend our way of life in the future if youngsters are not accustomed to working with explosives.

I never thought I’d live to see this day (with my one good eye.)

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