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Sproing Talk Acknowledgement Shred Pee Flake Underpants

(To enlarge this tragic moment in time, click the unfortunate diver’s butt.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Hall and Oates.

I’ve done plenty of crash test dummy gags over the years and I’ll likely continue because it’s just so much fun. They’re such great spokesmen for the foibles of the human race. (Legal Disclaimer: I should say now that these are professionally trained stunt dummies and that you should not try this yourself, but I won’t. If you’re stupid enough to knowingly jump into an empty swimming pool, it would be better if you didn’t live long enough to reproduce.)

You may recognize the art of this next cartoon. I created it a few years ago for a Xmas comic, but used it again here both because it has the perfect look for this gag and I was careening at top speed toward a deadline and needed to save some time. Cartoonists with regular characters use the same art almost daily, so don’t get your nose out of joint over it.









The punch line here is in the sign on the fence. Your mind might glance and perceive it as “Beware of Dog”, which is what you’re supposed to do, but then you’re supposed to look again and see that it is different. Another notable aspect of this cartoon is that I make a cameo in it. No, I am not the dog.









Here is a therapy cartoon from our good friend and known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh. I love cats but the most unfortunate thing about them by far is the sharpening claws thing. I’ve had tons of expensive stuff ruined by them. It is unacceptably cruel to declaw them and nearly impossible to teach them not to do it if they have a mind to, so you’re just stuck dealing with it. I wish there was a simpler solution. Anyway, here are the words Wayno put together in a specific order to talk about this cartoon.






Since we were visiting the cat world, let us now drop in on the world of dogs. They’ve had a social networking system way longer than we have. It probably works just as well, too.






What’s this, then? Another stem cell cartoon? Wasn’t there one last week? Sometimes ideas come in bunches and this is one of those times. If you’re having trouble with this one, think of stem cells as the building blocks of life for animals, then how snow flakes are the building blocks of life for a snowman. Any given stem cell can become any given thing in the body, same with snowflakes. Blah, blah, blah, you get the point. It’s funny, though, right? (I’m sorry the snowflakes are black instead of white, but it is the only way I could guarantee they’d be visible in a small newspaper comic.)



My last comic this week is about the famous fictional champion of the American West, the Lone Ranger. Apparently, it took him a while to come up with that moniker.

Tune in next week for cartoons about snowmen, cats, pie, marriage, dentists, crabs, and tryptophan. Also, thanks to my daughter, Krelspeth, for the use of the picture of her Halloween costume from this past year. She’s a clever girl.

Have a crunchy weekend, Jazz Pickles.


Bitter Pachyderm Philtrum Swashbuckling Drinker Teen Whale









Bizarro is brought to you today by Time Magazine.

“If you’re only reading the cartoons on BizarroBlog, you’re missing most of Piraro’s genius.”––Time Magazine

Okay, that never appeared in Time Magazine. But from some of the comments that readers make, I know that plenty of people are only scanning the cartoons briefly and skipping all of this delicious text that I pour so much of my heart and soul into. So I thought maybe a phony quote would encourage them to read on. Am I a bad man? Yes, but it has nothing to do with that phony quote.

The first cartoon in today’s post should have been published right before the recent U.S. prez election, but my schedule didn’t work out that way so I changed the caption a bit and made it work afterward. That’s an inside trade secret, so keep it to yourself.

Judging by the emails I got, the elephant cartoon was popular with a lot of readers. I love to draw elephants; they have unique anatomy and facial qualities that make them very expressive. This guy looks a bit forlorn that nobody will acknowledge that he was in the room. Who can blame him? (I also despise the kind of cruelty they routinely undergo at the hands of humans. These magnificent beings do not belong in our zoos or circuses.)

The next cartoon about “Jon” can be a bit of a brain teaser. If you click on it, it will enlarge the image and you’ll see that those are actually ants on his upper lip. If you don’t get the joke, say the caption out loud a few times in a row, without thinking of the picture. In fact, think of an elephant. (This won’t help you get the joke, but elephants are fun to think about.)

Regarding the Zorro gag, I got an email from a reader who pointed out that I had drawn Zorro wrong––everyone knows he was right-handed. Okay, you caught me. I’m zorry. (Yes!)

If you’re viewing this blog from a country that has banned Zorro and so you don’t get this gag, he always scratched his signature, a large, flashy, (gay?) “Z” at the scene of one of his adventures.

A friend of mine in LA, Richard Dean Starr, is a writer and editor of note who has done a good deal of work on the Zorro oeuvre over the years. His Facebook image is of Zorro, in fact, so I’m hoping he saw this cartoon and liked it. Drop by his page and tell him about it.

Our next cartoon is the sort that sometimes attracts hate mail from well-meaning readers who want to protect the disabled. I rarely get angry mail from disabled people themselves –– they most often thank me for jokes like this and tell me if it weren’t for a sense of humor about their situation, they’d never make it through the day. I didn’t get any mail from blind people about this one, positive or negative. Maybe they didn’t see it. (Direct your angry comments about my previous comment  to the comments section of this post.)

I love gags about therapy and I’ve done a million of them. But this one really breaks my heart. This poor teenaged girl is not into vampires and so she has no way to relate to the other girls her age. It’s like being six and not into princesses or horses. Or being 40 and not into tranquilizers and extramarital affairs. You have no chance to relate to your peers.

Last on today’s roster is my Sunday comic from this week, which features a collaborative effort with my good buddy and talented colleague, Dan McConnell. If you’ve never heard of the “Lassie” series of books, TV shows, and movies, you’re not missing much but you might miss the point of this gag. The deal is that Lassie was a super-genius collie who followed around a curious little idiot boy named Timmy. Timmy was a typical boy in that he was always getting his head stuck under an abandoned car in a ditch just as the water began to rise, or getting his leg trapped in an abandoned mine as the walls crumbled around him, or, yes, falling down a well. If it weren’t for Lassie’s uncanny ability to bark out commands to Timmy’s guardians and government officials, Timmy would have been dead by age 3. In this cartoon, however, Lassie’s bark diction is wanting and Timmy’s dad or uncle or probation officer or whatever is confused. Poor Timmy. By now he sleeps with the fishes.

I hope you enjoyed this stupid thing I do for a living. If you did, grab a few of my books as holiday gifts or just for yourself. I don’t make a penny off these damn blog posts, you know.

Traitor Crowded Dragster

Bizarro is brought to you today by Cannibals.

This cartoon is an offshoot of a feeling I’ve had since I was a child, some 30 years before I became vegan. Why would an animal want to advertise its own murder and consumption? Long before I thought it was wrong to eat animals, when I was still under 10 years old, I wondered why a happy pig would be on a sign for a BBQ restaurant. It just seemed wrong somehow. So here is a cartoon that took 40 years gestate.

And here are a couple more cartoons from this week. If you’re in the U.S., I hope you had a good few days off for the holiday and for you readers in other countries, hope you had a few good days for no particular reason.

Surviving Magic Alien Harry

(To see the above celebrities in all their TMZ glory, click on Snooki’s butt.)

Bizarro is brought to you by Freak Shows.

I admit I’ve never seen any of the “Survivor” TV shows. I’m not a big fan of that sort of reality game-show stuff, but I get the gist. It was therefore simple (and a LOT of fun) to imagine one in which my favorite celebrities to despise are left on an island to fight it out amongst them selves and never be heard from again. Simon Cowell is one I missed. Can’t stand that guy. I didn’t want to mess with caricatures, but if you click on the image and blow it up, you should be able to spot Paris, Bruce Jenner, Kim Kardashian, Richard Simmons, Donald Trump, and Snooki. The others are just cast members of Jersey Shore or lesser Kardashians.

This shrink gag is a strange one. For some reason, I thought the idea of a therapist having a hoop to check for wires if his patient began to levitate, the way a stage magician would, is funny. I hope you got a smile from it.

My next offering is another collaboration with my known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh. If you’re old enough to remember when “crop circles” were a new thing and tons of people all over the world believed they were being made by extraterrestrials, this joke will make perfect sense. If not, check out this article. It was a hoot when it was happening and is my favorite prank in the history of human mischief.

And, humans being the mystical, superstitious creatures we are, I’m sure there are still people who believe these were made by spaceships. If you are one of these people, good luck to you. I sincerely hope you’re right; this planet could use some new entertainment. Here’s what Wayno says about it.

Apparently this was a week for strange and vague comics. This one has no obvious or hidden meaning. It’s just funny to me that a guy is covered with hair everywhere but where he wants it, ends up in the hospital, and the doctors are amused. I don’t know, it just made me smile. There is an actual medical condition where people grow hair all over their faces––they were the people often known as “Dog-Faced/Ape Man/Boy” in circus sideshows of the past. I’m not making fun of them nor would I laugh at them. I’m sure it’s a major drag. This guy is different and completely made up, so put away your complaint pen.

If you don’t have this book, that can be remedied right here.

Pet Parking Eunuch Humping Loaf

Bizarro is brought to you today by Parenting.

I took some time off to travel but am happy to be back in my captain’s chair here at Bizarro International Headquarters.

Accordingly, here are a passel of cartoons to catch you up to date. First up is a cartoon that proved popular among readers. Personally, I never use my first pet’s name as a security question because, although I loved the dog, I never liked her name: “Penny.” I don’t have anything against the name per se, but my older sister picked it and so it seemed feminine to me. I was rooting for “Spike” or “Killer.” She looked not unlike the dog in this cartoon, except that her spots were brown. Like you care.

This gingerbread house witch cartoon could easily have been one of my Sunday Punnies, but I liked it so much I wanted to use it as a stand-alone image. I wonder if anyone actually sells that sign? I’ll bet someone does.







From the woods we jump to the restrooms at a coffee shop. I’ve done gags about these characters before, lots of people have. In this one, however, they’re falling in love. I’m happy for them but I’m guessing the sex isn’t so great.





Speaking of sex, what’s with the term “hump day”? It’s used to refer to Wednesday being the day you’re “over the hump” in terms of waiting for the weekend, but to me it always sounds a little vulgar. I’m happy to see that the boss is finally doing something about it.

By the way, camels are fun to draw and even more interesting than that is that paleontologists say they originated in North America. Some migrated south and evolved into llamas and alpacas, others went over the Bering Strait and became Bactrian camels and some went further into the Middle East and Northern Africa, became dromedary camels and went into the cigarette business. The ones in North American died out entirely. Of course, if you’re a creationist, none of that is true.

Terms like “athletic socks” and “dress shoes” are always funny to me. None of my socks are particularly athletic; they could no more catch a ball or run for a touchdown than Richard Simmons. And I never wear my dress shoes with a dress. “Loafers” isn’t a bad term considering shoes do little more than loaf but who wears loafers when they’re actually loafing? Seems like sneakers should be called loafers, since that’s what we wear when we want to be comfortable. I never “sneak,” so I don’t really have any use for sneakers.

It just occurred to me that that last paragraph could have been written by Andy Rooney, which is a little embarrassing. Sorry for that.

For more important insights about unimportant things, get one of my books.

Corpse Lineup Crackpot Signage

Bizarro is brought to you today by a Terrible Mime.

Good day, Jazz Pickles. There have been countless cartoons done about mimes but I’m very proud of this one because it seems to me to be a new angle and we cartoonists love coming up with a new angle on a common cartoon cliche.  It also has the added benefit of being one of those cartoons that you don’t get immediately until you look closely. I love that kind of humor and my Jazz Pickles tell me they do, too.

Let me know if you enjoy having to figure out a joke or if you prefer the kind that are self explanatory in an instant and the drawing doesn’t really matter. I do plenty of those kinds of gags, too, of course.

Waldo is another character that is used a lot in cartoons, though not as often as mimes, in spite of his striped shirt. I’ve done a few Waldo gags myself, here is my favorite from the late 1900s.

In this one, he is some kind of perp. We don’t know what kind exactly, as he is only described as an “assailant,” so I’ll leave that to your imagination. Maybe he only stole the old lady’s red and white stocking cap.

Next up today we drop into the conversation of a young therapy patient who is evidently obsessed with water slides. Surely that can’t be the only reason she sees a shrink, though. Again, I’ll leave it to your own fertile imaginations.

When I was a kid, all we had were Slip’n’Slides. Which, if you’re too young to know, was a long strip of plastic you laid down in your yard (hopefully on a hill) with a garden hose hooked to the top. You ran as fast as you could, flung yourself onto it and slid. It was a lot like a birth canal in that when you landed on the ground at the end of it, you frequently needed the wind knocked back into you.

Our final cartoon today is about the way many elderly people drive. Not ALL elderly people, of course. My own parents are in their 70s and I’m certain they drive as well as they ever did. The fact that my mother sits on a stack of phone books to see over the steering wheel has hardly affected her abilities at all.  In fact, my father teaches a defensive driving course so he takes great pride in not being a road hazard. Good for you, Dad! (Although he does incessantly point out the faults and mistakes of every other driver on the road so a trip to the store with him is like a defensive driving course all by itself.) Love you, Dad!

Don’t sit on phone books, sit on Bizarro books!

Knock Wrap

Bizarro is brought to you today by Simple Concepts.

I don’t normally post as often as I have in recent days but this cartoon about the delivery man has more than a few readers puzzled, so I thought I’d explain it here and just direct all questioners to this blog.

There is no secret meaning to this, it’s just that a tiny person lives in a tiny home and the doorbell is too loud for their tiny ears. A bit esoteric, yes, but that’s what my Jazz Pickles like.

This one isn’t confusing anyone that I know of but if you still find yourself confused, perhaps you should speak to a licensed physician and have them adjust your medication.

One final note: I must say I’m happy with the way the drawing of this dress turned out. It looks stiff and poofy, just as certain formal gowns do. I like it when I can nail the look of something off the top of my head like that. Cartoonists are easily amused, I guess.

Bizarro books make great gifts for friends and enemies alike.

Friends and enemies alike both frequent my FrontOfYourHeadBook page.

Wolf Shrink Valet

Bizarro is brought to you today by Barking Backpack.

We here at BizarroComics Blog caught up with cartoonist Dan Piraro in his Los Angeles hideaway for an exclusive interview about his career.

BCB: What makes you so cool?

DP: Gosh, am I cool? Thanks, I don’t really think of myself as cool. I’m just me.(makes “aw, shucks” face)

BCB: How do you keep your hair so thick, shiny, and healthy looking?

DP: I use a shampoo/conditioner combo that I bought at a drug store. Since I bought it at a drug store, I tried to smoke it but it made me kind of sick, so now I just use it on my hair.

BCB: What was the hardest part about doing the cartoon posted here about a wolf?

DP: Getting him to pose in an anthropomorphic stance like that. He bit me several times during the modeling process.

BCB: Do you draw all of your cartoons from live models?

DP: Yes. I do my cartoons as close as possible to the way Renaissance cartoonists did it. I even make my own paper and ink. Take the cartoon about the shrink’s advice; the man playing the doc is Bob Abrahams, a neighbor of mine here in Hollywood who used to be a sound engineer for television. I cast him because he has a great “psychiatrist voice.” The patient is played by my dentist, Dr. Floyd Payne.

BCB: You’ve been in LA for over six months now, yet your teeth are still the color of human teeth. Do you plan to get them whitened?

DP: I can’t really afford it at the moment, so I’m going to try to get away with it a little longer. I understand that after you establish residency in Los Angeles, you have 30 days to get your driver’s license switched over and get your teeth whitened. I just hope I don’t get stopped by a cop on either count.

BCB: Is this cartoon about the valet parkers drawn from an actual stand here in LA?

DP: No. I found these guys in Minnesota while visiting the Mayo Clinic recently.

BCB: Mayo Clinic? Are you all right?

DP: My legs were making strange noises when I walked and local doctors couldn’t figure it out so they sent me there. Turns out it was just the corduroy pants I was wearing, rubbing together. They gave me a pair of cotton twill pants and it solved the problem.

Submarine Water Dog

(If you find yourself wondering what this cartoon would look like bigger, click the taxi’s license plate.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by My Short Career in Crime Fighting.

I’m posting this cartoon a few hours before it is officially published so I can’t say for sure, but I anticipate some questions on it. This seems to me to be one of those cartoons that some people will want to find a “deeper” meaning for. But there is none. If you turn a bus sign upside down, it says “sub” (sort of.) So it’s just one of those odd visual things that amuses me. For those of you keeping track of utterly trivial information in some sort of a stalker’s scrapbook, the street scene was drawn without reference from my memory of my old neighborhood in Brooklyn.

This ocean cartoon is one that I’m particularly proud of. It is simple, surreal, and leaves the reader wondering what the hell happened to this guy. You could go with several scenarios, from perfectly reasonable –– he was walking on a freshly mopped deck of a cruise ship, slipped, grabbed the sign and fell overboard –– to the preposterously bizarre –– the floor he was walking on is incredibly wet. I like the latter.

I got this idea when reading a suggestion by my young, collaborator buddy, Victor the Magnificent. His thought was a “wet floor” sign on a buoy out at sea. I liked it but this idea came to me as soon as I read his and I liked it even better. Sorry, Victor. One of your ideas was done as a Sunday comic and will appear in a few weeks, so chill out, awesome dude.

I’ve been to therapists off and on my entire adult life and really gotten a lot out of it. Most of them were very conversational and did not hesitate to suggest solutions to whatever problem that brought me there. But there have been those who said nothing and remained as silent and aloof as possible. It occurred to me during a visit with one such therapist that if all I needed was a silent confident with a sympathetic demeanor, I could save a lot of money by talking to my dog.

Legal disclaimer: Before using this suggestion for your own therapeutic treatment, consult a licensed therapist. (Hint: a good one will tell you, “sure, go ahead.”)

For those of you in the LA area, I’ll be doing a short comedy, musical set at World Fest tomorrow, Sunday, May 20. I’m scheduled to be on the main stage at 5:30pm. For a couple of hours before and a bit after, I’ll also be sitting at a table at one of the booths near the front gate, signing/selling books and posters and stuff. If you identify yourself as a Jazz Pickle, I’ll give you a free pack of trading cards! Click this paragraph for deets.

Less Than a Dozen Cartoons

Bizarro is brought to you today by Eye Jinx.

Are you a person who enjoys things? I am too. Here’s something I hope you’ll enjoy: between five and seven cartoons.

The first one is about how Newton discovered gravity when an apple conked him on the noggin. The truth is, the whole story is a myth. Newton was not hit by an apple, but a grand piano falling from the fourth floor of those old, crumbly European buildings they have everywhere over there. The blow to his head caused him to go crazy and make up a bunch of sciency stuff about gravity and some other things. It was hilarious.

But not as funny as this cartoon of a woman who is going to wear a coat made of dead animals and her daughter who is going to wear a dead chicken on her head in protest. The “red paint” reference is to something that anti-fur protestors used to do back in the late 1900s when they saw someone wearing a fur coat. This only happened in civilized places where people don’t have to abuse animals to stay warm. I don’t think anyone ever threw red paint on an Eskimo.


If you want to talk about lots of dead human body parts being sewn together to make a new person, this would be a good time because here is a cartoon about Frankenstein. Where was he from? Lots of places, of course. Thanks to Cliff, my good buddy and wordsmith.



If you’re younger than an old person, you may not remember seeing those two antennae that TVs used to have that pretty much everyone called “rabbit ears.” They’ve been gone since the days that cable TV became ubiquitous, but when I was a child, we used to have to grab TV shows right out of the air with metal sticks. It was positively prehistoric.




Every time I do a cartoon that suggests that obesity is caused by a horrible diet and way too much of it, I get an email or two from someone who says that they eat a low-fat, vegan diet, exercise 18 hours a day and are still fat, so their problem is genetic. If you are a person like that, this cartoon is not for you. It’s for people who don’t exercise, eat fast food hamburgers, and wonder why they’re dead at 50.  I am confident that none of those people are reading this blog because dead people don’t read much.

Our last cartoon today is about the amazing acrobatic feats that the human eye can accomplish. All hail the eye –– window into the soul and sunroof to the nasal cavities.

I’ve enjoyed our little chat today. I hope that wherever you are, unicorns and leprechauns are dancing in the streets, liquid gold is flowing from your faucets, and super-sexy celebrities want to date you.

Ciao, Jazz Pickles!


Please “like” my FrontOfYourHeadBook page so I can convince my parents I have fans.







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