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Death-Wish Slugs and More

(Here’s an old favorite of mine. Click the pretzel to see it so awful big.)

Hello, Bizarro Jazz Pickles. (That is what I’ve decided to call my readers. Thoughts?) I have a few fun things to tell you about today:

1. There is a short blog post about my secret symbols on a website called Daily Ink. The first and last paragraph were written by the person who runs that blog, the rest of the stuff in the middle was written by me. I didn’t want you to think that I wrote a hyperbolic phrase like “brilliant madcap masterpiece” about myself. That would be gross. Regardless, I explain my secret symbols, what they mean, how they started, and how they will figure into the salvation of mankind. (Not at all.) Read it here. (more…)

Toll Phone Super Tramp

Bizarro is brought to you today by Pickup Artist.

It’s funny how men just buy stuff for women they find attractive. CHNW will be standing at a lunch counter waiting for a take-out order, which usually includes lunch for me, her husband, and she’ll strike up a conversation with some guy standing there waiting for his food, too, and when her bill comes, he’ll pay for it. She says, “thanks,” gathers her food and comes home. And of course, she never has to pay for a drink in a bar if she doesn’t want to. I guess I should send her car shopping sometime and see if she can score a new BMW. This doesn’t happen to men so I’ve no idea what it must be like. And I’ve never tried this approach on women myself, so I don’t know if it ever pays off. Perhaps there are women who will sleep with a stranger because he bought them something. I don’t think I’d be interested in a woman like that. I want a woman who is attracted to me for my thrift. (more…)

Cat Crush

Bizarro is brought to you today by My First TV Crush.

Yesterday, I got an email from Julie Newmar, the original Catwoman from the Batman TV series of the 60s. Reading it, my heart was all aflutter, even after all these years. I was only 9 years old when I first saw her and fell hopelessly under her spell. The message was strong if ambiguous, given my tender age: I was heterosexual and I wanted Julie Newmar to teach me what that meant. Not long after, I saw her as Stupefyin’ Jones in the musical version of Lil Abner. Yowza! (more…)

Bizarro Art Show

I’ll be absent from Bizarro International Headquarters next week because I’ll be in Tulsa, Oklahoma to visit family, record some music, and attend the opening of a cartoon art show of my work. If you’re around, come see me. If you mention that you found out about it on this blog, you’ll get in FREE! – along with anyone else who happens by because it is a free event. (more…)

Phones and Nuts

Bizarro is brought to you today by Baby T.

Someone wrote to ask if the Irish getup had anything to do with this smartphone gag. It doesn’t. It’s just that I needed an idiot to be left for a smarter owner by his smartphone and the cartoon was part of a batch scheduled to run during the week of St. Patrick’s Day, so I combined the two. This is not to say that all people who dress up for St. Pat’s are idiots (though who am I to say they are not?) but rather that there are plenty of idiots running around any given American city on St. Patrick’s Day, drinking excessively and wearing too much green. (more…)

Log Cabin Bedbug Psychics!

Bizarro is brought to you today by Interracial Cooperation.

We don’t have bedbugs at our house but to listen to the news tell it, we’re just about the only ones. I ignore the news these days because the world is too depressing to pay attention to, but I’ve not been able to ignore all the talk about bedbugs. I’ve not listened to any full reports about them or read a single article, but based on the few things I’ve overheard while ignoring the news, this is what I know: (more…)

>Crazy Couch

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Dog Walker.

Have you ever been up sh*t creek without a paddle? (I cleverly added the * to that word so that it would be family friendly. Everyone knows that children are no good at Wheel of Fortune.)

Of course you have, we all have. And the message of this cartoon is to pay more attention to your paddle than to your wardrobe. Of course, if you’re up sh*t creek without a paddle, this advice is useless. And if you’re out canoeing in one of those smiley face shirts, you deserve whatever you get because everybody hates those things. Unless you’re wearing it ironically, in which case you probably deserve to be visited by hillbillies, ala Deliverance. (Wow, that was bitter. I didn’t know until I typed this how much pent up aggression I have toward ironic shirts.)

This cartoon about light reading is a bit of nonsense with no particular message. Unless it would be that if you find yourself bored enough to read the ends of light bulbs over and over, it’s probably time to quit your job, leave your wife, and go on a violent odyssey of some sort, ala Going Native, by Stephen Wright. (One of my favorite books, but not written by the Steven Wright who is a stand-up comedian and not funny.)

As long as we’re discussing my damaged psyche, let’s take a quick visit to Sigmund’s Couch. I quite like this old cartoon from 1997, written and drawn two years after my divorce and the most therapy-intensive period of my life. Notice you can read “ID” on the sign above the door to rhyme with “bid,” which is a Freudian term! Hahahahahahah! Also notice that back then I was often drawing the cartoon outside the borders. I did it because I liked it, I stopped doing it for reasons unknown. Probably laziness.

Let’s hear it from all those readers who have enjoyed psychotherapy at some point in their lives. I only go when I’m really troubled, but I have to admit I love it. Something so soothing about talking about myself for 45 minutes without fear of interruption.

If you’d like to see these cartoons on various fine tidbits of merchandise, just click the ‘toon. It’s fun and painless!

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>Apple Knocker

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Those Darn Kids.

Our first cartoon today is another collaboration with my good buddy, Wayno. We’re both fans of Magritte and although I’ve done a couple of takes on his famous “This is Not a Pipe” painting, I thought this one was original enough to use the theme again. I might get a small version of this tattoo myself, someday. Here’s Wayno’s description of the experience.

My caveman cartoon was dreamed up by a good friend Cliff’s son, Emilio, so he got a byline. He and his dad were talking about knock knock jokes and surmised that cavemen wouldn’t be good at it since they didn’t have doors and would not know what a “knock” was. An odd idea and odd enough to inspire me to do a cartoon about it. Emilo’s younger brother, Nicco, wrote a cartoon for me a while back, too.

Know a goth couple who just had a kid? This is the perfect gift for them! You can find it and tons of other useful products with jillions of Bizarro cartoons on them by clicking this.

Comes in other colors, too! Wow!

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>Being Super

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(Click on Batman’s nose to see larger version)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Gas Guzzlers to Die For.

Batman stag party trivia questions and answers:
1. What was Robin’s real name? (A: Dick Grayson)
2. What was the most prominent feature of the 1960s TV Batman costume? (A: Adam West’s package.)
3. What was Bruce Wayne’s middle name? (A: I don’t know for sure but it was probably Peter.)

Everyone knows that Dick Grayson was a bit of a dim bulb, otherwise how could Bruce Wayne have ever talked him into going out in public dressed like that? Especially to confront thugs? So this cartoon merely illustrates one of the many problems Batman likely had with Robin in the early days.

The second cartoon of this weekend’s 3-pack is a mystery. I don’t know what it means, I just thought it was funny having a gingerbread man asking for a job at a service station. It is based on a true story.

Lastly, we have a fun cartoon about aliens eating astronauts. I like to draw alien creatures, I suspect that most cartoonists do, so I like writing cartoons about them. Here is a link to my favorite alien drawing I’ve ever done, which I used to advertise my Bizarro Trading Cards.

By the way, you can help Batman fight crime by buying Bizarro Trading Cards. A portion of each purchase goes toward supplies needed to draw Batman fighting crime.

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