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Apple Beak Candy Ball Belly

Bizarro is brought to you today by Big Fun.

Today’s cartoon mystified a few readers, but not many, I suspect. This one is a simple twist on a famous painting by Belgian surrealist, Rene Magritte. If you’ve seen it, you get the gag. If not, you probably don’t.

I think this gag is brilliant and I SO wish I could say I wrote it. Instead, it was written by a friend and colleague of mine, a very talented cartoonist in his own right, Dan McConnell. (more…)

Tweeting Feet Drag Parrot

Bizarro is brought to you today by Crack Repair.

When I was a kid, I always watched the Olympics and dreamed of one day competing in them. I’ve always been a pretty good athlete and was the fastest runner of anyone I knew, so I figured if I just kept practicing, someday I’d have a gold medal. Life isn’t that simple, of course, and as I got older, I became distracted by other endeavors that I found more satisfying like art, music, theater, girls, beer. I doubt I’ll even have time this year to watch much of the Olympics but so be it. The synchronized tweeting event is kind of dull anyway. (more…)

The Evil 20%

Of all the millions of dollars, millions of hours of planning, training, dedication, sweat, pain, the lifetimes of dedication from hundreds of athletes and musicians, of all the lifelong dreams that were fulfilled and shattered at yesterday’s Super Bowl, the biggest point of discussion today is that a single person extended one of the two “magic, evil fingers” all by itself, without one of the other fingers as a chaperone. (more…)

Achoo, Baby!


Enlargination of this cartoon can be achieved with a click of the forklift.

Bizarro is brought to you today by Deep Needlepoint.

Good morning (or afternoon or evening) Bizarro Jazz Pickles (or first-time or occasional reader [jazz cucumber?] who is not yet ready to commit to the vinegar), happy Super Bowl Sunday (or random Sunday if you are not in the U.S. or care anything about sports.) I hope you are having as nice a day as I am. How nice is my day? I don’t know how to explain it. What gauge shall we use? On a scale of one to ten where one is a day in which you are trapped in a wooden box at the bottom of the ocean with no fresh water to drink, and ten being a day the government declares you are immune from all taxes for the rest of your life and gives you $25 million dollars to get started, I’d say I’m having a five. How about you? (more…)

Reaper Duck Stupid Rebel Hand Ball

Bizarro is brought to you today by Trojan!

The deadline gods conspired against me this week and I have had no time to post on this blog about my daily cartoons. I hope that next week will be less Sisyphussy. (NEW WORD ALERT!)  I think there are some good cartoons in this batch, but let’s let you be the judge. (more…)

Disco Photoshop

Bizarro is brought to you today by The New York City Marathon.

If you were wondering why you missed church this past Sunday, it is because that Daylight Saving Time thing happened. It went into effect in the wee hours of the same day that the New York City Marathon was run, so I wonder how many runners missed their starting time. My upstairs neighbor has run it for the past 8 years or so but it is always a disappointment. I watch the winners come in on TV every year and he’s not even in the top 10. Poor guy. But he keeps trying, so you have to respect that. Here’s a nice pic of me running in last year’s marathon. I didn’t win, either. The heavy coat and cigar might have held me back a little. (more…)

Doctor Online Alien Soup

Bizarro is brought to you today by Foot Fetish.

I’ve been busier than a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rocking chairs this week, so I’m late on posting these. I hope I haven’t lost either of my readers.

Cartoon #1 is a visual joke, nothing more. Take it however you like. The patient is fashioned after my good friend, Tiny Tony T. Smith, who recorded my someday-to-be-released album recently. Eventually, I’m going to sell a CD of four or five of my original songs. They’re all serious songs, not meant to be comedy, but the lyrics are clever (or so I’ve heard) and people often get a chuckle or two from them. Would any of you be interested in buying said album and if so, how much should it cost? Maybe I can figure a way to download them for 99 cents a piece like they do on iTunes instead of creating 3-D discs. I don’t know anything about that stuff. (more…)

Pee, Pills, and Play

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Patriotmobile!

Today’s first offering is a timely cartoon about an enterprising young man who follows the sports world. But to be honest, I’m not sure how I feel about doping among professionals athletes.

I can understand the motivation to try to keep everyone on the up-an-up and free of performance-enhancing drugs but it clearly is not possible. So given that it has happened, is happening, and will continue, if adults want to risk damaging their own health in order to be better at their job, to have giant foreheads and muscles and shrunken genitalia, why should I care? The only damage I can see being done to society is that kids who look up to pro athletes and want to be like them might do the same thing without fully understanding the risk. But whose fault is that? Pro athletes do other things that are not recommended to children –– drive cars, have sex, drink alcohol, incur tremendous amounts of debt, dress like idiots –– but these activities are not regulated. And what exactly is a “performance enhancing drug”? Ibuprofen can alleviate pain and make an athlete perform better, but it isn’t illegal. I’m just saying it’s a gray area. (more…)

>Bowl Wrapup

>(You can find this cartoon on fine products here.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Just My Luck.

A quick Monday morning update for you before I commence to feverishly inking cartoons in an attempt to reduce the amount of time by which I am late on my deadline this week.

Last night’s Super Bowl was a good game and the correct team won. Sorry to all my Pittsburgh readers, I love your city and people (honestly, I’ve visited many times and say nothing but nice things about PBgh) and I even like Mike Tomlin, the Steeler’s coach and Terry Bradshaw, the Steeler’s patron saint. But the last thing your current quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger needs is another Super Bowl ring. At least not until he stops abusing women. Some of you might say, “But Dan, Ben was acquitted. What happened to ‘innocent until proven guilty?'” to which I would say, “You’re thinking of the U.S. justice system. This is my personal blog and I’m pretty convinced Big Ben is scum.”

So congratulations to the fine folks of Green Bay Wisconsin for getting to have a big parade for the guys who won the trophy for you even though none of them are from there or would live there if they were not being paid millions of dollars to do so. And congratulations to the fine folks of Pittsburgh for not having to put up with an expensive and messy parade. It really screws with traffic.

I think the halftime show was also worth commenting on. When I heard that something called “The Black Guy Pees” was performing, I feared another “wardrobe malfunction” catastrophe like a few years back. This country is still reeling from the moral consequences of a nipple being shown on television for .5 seconds and I’m not sure we could withstand another one. (If god had meant for people to be showing their filthy parts on television, we would have been born with TV cameras facing our pee pee place.) But as it turned out, this year’s show was just four space people singing while quite a lot of batteries danced around the field. If the lights of your home flickered last night, that’s likely why.

Even if you didn’t watch the game and think football is dumb, I hope you enjoyed this post-game wrap up.

>Super Things


(If you are the person who wants to see this cartoon bigger, click the second cactus from the left. If you want to see the cartoon on fine products of many sorts, click these blue words!)

Bizarro is brought to you today by the Sacred Second Amendment.

Today is the day of The Super Bowl, the most watched TV event in American history, even more than the Civil War. Maybe you have a bulbous I.Q. and are not into sports, but for the rest of us, here is why you should watch it.

1. It’s super, it says so right in the name. Our American legal system is the best in the world, even better than the Old Testament’s, and we would not let them say “super” if it wasn’t true.

2. It has “bowl” in the name, too, and good things come in bowls. Cereal, pudding, jello, chili, soup, cherries, goldfish. You never hear of anything bad coming in a bowl. Yak dung? Wrestler spit? Soiled undergarments? No.

3. Where else can you watch millionaires beat on each other? If you ever hear of a show where CEOs, politicians and stockbrokers are beating the crap out of each other in public, let me know because I’m in! Until then, I’ll take the Super Bowl.

4. Ben Roethlisberger is the head guy on one of the teams and has been accused twice in one year of raping young women. Wouldn’t it be fun to see him lose?
4.1. If he wins, though, it would be a serious bummer because I really hate him, even though I love the city of Pittsburgh and even the Steelers if he was not on the team.

5. People say the commercials are really great, but I think those people are mostly confusing the term “really great” for “very expensive and intentionally outrageous.” Can anything be truly great now that Michael Jackson is dead? Seriously.

That’s my TV recommendation for today. Pop back by tomorrow when I’ll tell you why you should start watching the game show, “Wipeout”.

In closing, here is another installment of Bizarro Readers’ Pets. The photos have just been flooding in, if two pictures are a flood. This one features Schultzie, age 14 and was sent in by Cindy. The cartoon is from the mid-eighties, so old that I can’t even find it in my archives.

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