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>Bigger Better Beastly

>Bizarro is brought to you today by The Magic of Sculpture.

Again, for some reason that is probably no more exciting than coincidence, here is a cartoon about fighting.

But it’s not really about fighting. I got this idea from watching a basketball game on TV. As baggy pants became a fashion trend among ghetto thugs and then suburban mall rats, the NBA went to increasingly bigger shorts, and other levels of basketball followed. The small shorts of the 70s look ridiculous to us now, but they were that size because they didn’t restrict the player’s movement. I doubt the same can be said for the shorts of today, it looks like guys playing basketball in dresses. Once they start sweating, they’re playing in wet dresses. Charming.

I would think that if one player suddenly decided to wear a uniform that fit, he’d be able to outmaneuver the other guys in their 1920s ladies swimsuits, win games, and the trend would reverse. If it were all about function, as most sports clothing is, their uniforms would resemble that of a cyclist. But would the egos of the NBA be caught dead in bike shorts? I wonder.

So here is a cartoon featuring boxers with huge, over-sized equipment and shorts, and don’t they look cool? Can’t wait to see them wield those gloves.

>Chase Me Out to the Ballgame

>Bizarro is made possible by a grant from the Tossing Dirt on the Reaper Foundation.

Since I’m a groovy hip artsy type, people are often surprised to hear I’m a sports fan. Sorry if you are disappointed, not all sports fans are numskull beerbelly boobs like Joe the Plumber. In fact, the dude who lives across the street from me here at Bizarro International Headquarters is a college professor of some high-minded socialogical something-or-other, and he’s an even bigger sports fan than am I.

I have always been athletic, I have good genes for that in all ways but size. So I played a lot of sports as a kid and learned to love it, but as I got into middle and high school, I was not behemoth enough to leave the bench in my various coaches’ opinions, so I stopped trying out for the school teams. Additionally, I began to come into my own as a groovy hip artsy type and many of the other athletes began to come into their own as frankensteinian meatheads who cared about little more than sports. So we parted ways.

Though I love to watch sports, hockey is my favorite with American football a firm second, I loathe to watch a single athlete or coach being interviewed. I love the entertainment value of watching physically skilled humans exhibit amazing feats of athletic prowess, but when it comes to what’s between their ears, I am always bored stiff. I have no doubt that some professional athletes are bright and creative, I just don’t have the patience to wade through all of the Joe Sixpack simpletons to find them.

It is remarkeable how far we’ve come as a society, however. Just a couple of hundred years ago mobs of torch-bearing villagers hunted down mutants and murdered them out of fear. Now we dress them up in flashy jerseys and award them with multi-million dollar paychecks for slamming into others of their kind. It makes a human proud.

DISCLAIMER: Not all athletes or sports fans are idiots, maybe not even most. I said that above, so let it go. But let’s face it, a lot of them are.
My pride in how far our society has come is largely facetious, as we still hunt down women’s healthcare providers, homosexuals, atheists, etc. We have replaced torch-bearing mobs with Fox News, but you can’t really call that progress.

>Owah Tizdat Toobee

>You is bringed to day Bizarro by Satisfactory Discourse.

When I submitted this cartoon weeks ago, I knew it would cause some confusion. Since it appeared in papers a week ago, I’ve gotten dozens of emails from people who were mystified by it, which means there are many thousands more who were equally out to sea but didn’t bother to write.

The cartoon refers to a game we used to play as children, one of those games that only works on someone who has never heard it before. You get them to say these three words – owah, tagu, siam – slowly, like a chant. Then you ask them to go faster, stringing the words together, until they are saying, “oh what a goose I am.” Laughter ensues.

This kind of thing comes up from time to time, where I want to do a cartoon based on something I know or have heard or remember, but am not sure how common or widespread the knowledge is. I ask CHNW if she gets it and that’s about all the research I do. She got this one and she was raised in Florida (I, in Oklahoma), so I figured I’d give it a try.

In addition to the emails from the dazed and confused, I got nearly as many from people who remembered the game from childhood but hadn’t thought of it in years. And also one from a reader who had played a dirty version of the same thing where the end sentence makes reference to the speaker’s biological habits.

That’s the official report on the Great Basketball Cartoon Conundrum of 2009. Onward and upward.

>Wall Street and Hong Kong

>Today’s Bizarro is brought to you by Hurtful Hair.

Here’s my little shot at the legion of despicable Wall Street scum that recently destroyed our economy. We all hate them, and rightly so. We’re all tired of politicians treating them like babies strapped with dynamite and we’re all tired of these asses staying rich while the rest of us lose our jobs. But we’re also tired of hearing about it, so let’s talk about Bruce Lee.

I recently saw some old videos of this guy on YouTube and it made me question reality. How can this guy have done what he apparently did? I’m not talking about “make corny kung fu movies,” I’m talking about his feats of physical speed, strength, accuracy, agility, etc.

Below is a video of Lee playing ping pong. I’m actually a pretty decent ping pong player and was proud of that fact until I saw this. If this film is real, on my best day my ping pong skills more closely resemble a trained bear whacking a brick wall with a wet beach towel.

Either this video is fake, or Bruce Lee was a witch.

(NOTE: Lee is playing with nunchucks rather than a paddle. For the unfamiliar, nunchucks are a martial arts weapon consisting of two sticks of wood joined by a short length of chain.)

>Evil and Water


(Dude, like click the cartoon for like an awesome view.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Blind Dates Gone Horribly Wrong.

This idea came from the boy genius, Victor, a teenage pal of mine in North Carolina. I loved the idea instantly and had a ball illustrating it. If I may be immodest for a moment, I’m really happy with the way this turned out. With so many identical, complex characters standing in a group, it was a challenge to render it in a way that maintained legibility. This kind of drawing can easily become a confusing mess. The faded background characters is the trick, giving the drawing an artificial depth that was a bit of a bear to achieve.

Wouldn’t it be great if the real world were this simple? If as people became more evil, they also become more water soluble. Assassins could use water balloons instead of bullets and the innocent would be invulnerable to errant projectiles or misguided attacks.

Of course, some people would never be able to bathe or go out on a rainy day.

(NOTE: As was the case with a couple of readers from foreign countries who emailed me, some may not be familiar enough with American football traditions or the Wizard of Oz film to get this joke. At the end of a championship game (the Super Bowl), players traditionally dump a big barrel of sports drink (Gatorade) on their coach. In the Wizard of Oz, the Wicked Witch of the West was defeated when one of the heroes accidentally douses her with a bucket of water and she melts.)

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