Dining with Dirt

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(To embiggenate any image in this post, click your favorite color in that cartoon.)
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Bizarro is brought to you today by Staying Cool.

The “farm to table” movement is one that big city hipsters have been concerned about in recent years; I have no idea how it’s playing in small towns or rural areas. You can read the definition of it here.  I think it’s a good thing because it favors local growers and small farms and businesses who care more about their process and products than do the practitioners of the industrial food complex that America has built since WWII. The industrial way of growing plants and animals for food has been a nightmare for human health, the environment, and the treatment of animals. Michael Pollan has had a lot of important things to say about our food system in recent years, in my opinion. So all I did here was take it to an absurd extreme, which gave me a chance to draw some realistic crops and chickens on a dining room table. In my early adulthood I made a living drawing realistic food products for advertising, so this was kind of a nostalgic process for me. I did so much of that in the old days that I can actually draw things like this without any reference.

Speaking of things I drew one time, I have a limited-edition Bizarro T-shirt for sale right now, but only until July 13th. That’s the “limited” part. I offered this shirt for two weeks back in 2014 and it sold pretty well. Since then, the Jazz Pickles that didn’t get one then have been asking me to bring it back, so here it is. Many of those who did buy it back then have reported magical powers and large amounts of cash coming their way. I can’t vouch for the authenticity of those claims but, really, why would a person lie about a thing like that?


And now, more cartoons for your chuckleness…

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Waldo has been missing for decades now and his “While You Were Out” messages are starting to stack up. His secretary’s hair is stacking up pretty nicely, too. This character is modeled after my memory of a 7th grade English teacher I had in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I can’t remember her name right now but I think it was something like Mrs. IDon’tThinkYou’reFunnyYouArrogantLittleShitNowSitDownAndShutUp.


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As an avid motorcyclist, I am always acutely aware of what other drivers are doing and it scares the hell out of me when I see people on their cell phones or primping in their rearview mirror. This idea came from that terror.


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Here’s a strange thought that occurred to me one day. A set of dentures dropped from 42 flights up would do a lot more damage than a “bite,” but you get the idea.

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Here’s one of my favorite cartoons in a good while. The idea came from my good buddy, Cliff Harris The King Of Wordplay. Like so many of Cliff’s ideas, it is simple, unexpected, and hilarious. That’s me in the back seat reading, doing another one of my homages to Alfred Hitchcock, who used to appear as background characters in his films. Cliff and a couple of his lifelong buddies have put out a pretty funny book of silliness which you may find amusing.

Folks who follow the news might think I published this cartoon in response to the story this week about the first fatality arising from a person using the enhanced auto pilot feature of a Tesla. It was not and I would not do that. My cartoons are submitted for publication four weeks before they appear online and in newspapers, so I can’t predict these kinds of coincidences. I think it is worth noting that Tesla’s cars are not advertised as “self-driving” and the person who died in that crash was not paying attention, expecting the car to do more than it was designed to do. Tesla’s feature is basically a cruise control with advanced features and is not intended to be self-driving. I think self-driving cars will be safer than human-operated cars one day but that hasn’t happened just yet and the Tesla that crashed was not designed to be one of those cars.

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One reader chastised me for this cartoon about “reality” TV as being too violent in light of all the violence in the news lately. My response was the same as it always is in these cases: Humor is a time-honored way of dealing with life’s inevitable tragedies; cartoons like this one do not incite more violence; the human world has always been an exceedingly violent one on a daily basis, it only seems more so in recent years because of the efficiency of news media. It is my belief that, since for the vast majority of our species’ time on earth we lived in relatively small villages, we’ve only evolved to process the amount of tragedy that befalls a small group. With the advent of highly-efficient, international journalism and the 24-hour news cycle, we are exposed to many more tragedies daily than our ancestors had knowledge of in a year. We’re not biologically equipped to know this much, so, quite understandably, it becomes a great source of fear and anxiety for many and the world seems like an increasingly dangerous place. Humans are dangerous, yes, but the notion that we are getting worse is mostly an illusion.

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I got a big kick out of this cartoon when I first wrote it. I’ve never joined a book club but I’m an avid reader and sometimes I bite into books that are so lofty that they become hard work. I’ve known people who never read because it reminds them of homework and thought perhaps some of us would be happier in a club like the one above.

That’s the week in Bizarro cartoons, thanks for reading along, Jazz Pickles. If you would forward my T-shirt offer to anyone you think might be a Bizarro fan, Olive Oyl and I would be most appreciative! Facebook recently changed their methods so my posts on there don’t reach nearly as many people as they used to. The Interwebs continue to conspire to make it easier for artists to get their work in front of eyes, but much harder for us to get paid for our efforts. 

I hope my American readers have a dandy 4th of July tomorrow and will remember to let go of the firecracker before the sparkles on the string get to the paper part.


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(For a more embigginated experience, click any redish color in any cartoon.)Bizarro 03-20-16 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Walk This Way.

My cartoon today is about the disappointment one feels when they trust someone to fix things and that person turns out to be a charlatan. We’ve all experienced this with politicians and one can read that message as the subtext to the Wizard of Oz: The man at the top, the Great Wizard of Oz, is just a regular guy pulling switches and levers to make himself seem more powerful than he really is. A person can also easily see this as an allegory of Donald Trump’s current campaign.

Some of my readers hate it when I get political and I understand that, but the current presidential campaign is so remarkable that I can’t resist. Part of what humorists do, and cartoonists in particular, is comment on current events and society. Trump is remarkable not only because of his unorthodox style of campaigning––proudly using vulgarisms, insults, racism, xenophobia, and threats of violence –– but also because the mainstream of his own party doesn’t want him as their nominee. They know that his policies fall under two categories––unfeasible and dangerous––and more importantly that Trump himself knows that. Trump knows that immigrants are not negatively affecting crime or the economy, that all media outlets (other than FOX News) are not lying about everything, that terrorism is not much of a threat to the average American and that it cannot be defeated with a bigger military, and that America is not failing internationally and in need of being made “great again”. But he also knows that there are people who do believe those things and that if he shouts these things into microphones they will get excited. The facts simply don’t support anything Trump says and Trump knows that, but when people become frightened that things are changing too quickly, they want an authoritarian daddy figure to get tough and make things the way they used to be, whatever that means. Trump is quite simply a charlatan cashing in on the fear of the voters.

Meanwhile, the GOP is pretending to be surprised by Trump while they clearly created him. For years they’ve been telling their constituents that the entire worldwide media (other than FOX News) cannot be trusted, that ours is a scary world full of terrorists, that immigrants and non-whites are not to be trusted, that homosexuals are deviants, that liberals/progressives want to take your hard-earned money and possessions away from you and enslave you in a communist work camp. Trump is simply the first candidate to say these things in so many words. He is a predictable result of misleading the public and scaring the shit out of people.

I am happy to say that most Americans are not frightened enough to actually elect someone like Trump to the most powerful office in the world, but it remains to be seen how many people will get hurt in the process of his trying, and how much more damage his rhetoric will do to an already divided nation. I sincerely hope the majority of us have had our fill of the childish schoolyard bullying that FOX News and Trump promotes and America will now begin to embrace a wiser and more mature approach to politics.

Gee, I’m sorry I got so serious there. Even without all that political subtext, I think this is a pretty funny cartoon. I particularly like the Scarecrow getting creamed on the Jeopardy!-style gameshow. This cartoon was a collaboration with a friend of mine in Hamburg, Germany by the name of Michael RothThanks, Michael!

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Here’s a cartoon about how cats stare at you sometimes. You’ll be happy to learn that I see no hidden political message here.


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Will I ever get tired of doing therapy cartoons? Not likely. There is just an endless supply of humor to be found in this scenario. This one does have some hidden political content though, because Trump and FOX News love to pretend that America’s problems are way bigger than they actually are. Sorry, couldn’t resist.

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Did you know that the Monopoly man is named Rich Uncle Pennybags and that he was likely fashioned after J. P. Morgan?

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Lots of readers enjoyed this airport cartoon for obvious reasons. I wanted the sign on the right to read “Your Worthless Ass” but I couldn’t get away with that in newspapers so I went for this more civilized version. This is one of those rare cartoons that was born of personal experience because I can’t afford to fly first class and always battle feelings of self-loathing when in line at the airport. I’ve only flown first class twice in my life and both times it was because of some screw-up where they ran out of cheap seats and tossed me into first class with the fancy-pants folks. On both occasions I returned to steerage mid-flight to dance on hay bales while tattered country folk played the fiddle.


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I’m kind of proud of this cat/mouse cartoon. It’s simple and says a lot about the current narcissistic trend of photographing ourselves doing literally everything every single day.


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Here’s something super cool: Drew Carey, former standup comedian and possessor of his own sit-com, now gameshow host, tweeted about this cartoon! How cool is that? Here’s his tweet. 

That’s it for this week, Jazz Pickles. I’ve got another one of my limited-time-only Bizarro cartoon T-shirts for sale right now so go grab one and give it to your friend or relative who is always complaining about politics. They’ll love you for it and so will I! Look at it here and now.


The Shirt That Won’t Die

So I’ve sold this cartoon on a T-shirt here in the US before and it was super popular, but I had complaints from foreign readers about the high cost of shipping to Europe. Here’s the solution: a UK-based campaign that ships affordably to everyone in the world, even the US! Bizarro12-30-07DevolutionWEBI also got complaints that the shirts weren’t organic cotton so we changed that, too! All organic cotton, ships to anywhere, and a percentage of every sale goes to Jane Goodall Institute’s global youth-led community action program, Roots and Shoots! 

Grab one for yourself now and a few more for holiday gifts. Sale ends on the evening of October 14, so flex those link-clicking muscles now! And please promote among your like-minded friends.


P.S. This sale features all of the colors available in organic cotton. If your fave color isn’t here, it’s because this company doesn’t offer organic cotton in that color. Thanks for understanding.

Hidden Treasures


If you’ve missed it, there is only one day left to grab one of my favorite and most popular cartoons on a T-shirt while donating to Roots and Shoots, a kid’s program at the Jane Goodall Institute. A percentage of all sales go to JGI and they promised to use it to teach kids to be better stewards of the planet than our species has previously managed. Hooray! Have a look now, then come back for the weekly roundup of my cartoons!
Bizarro 08-09-15 hdrWEBBizarro is brought to you today by Excellent Advice.Bizarro 08-09-15 WEBToday’s big Sunday cartoon addresses my long fascination with hidden furniture. I used to own a sofa bed, as probably most people do or have, but what I really wanted was a Murphy Bed, one of those beds that folds out of a wall. I don’t know why I’m fascinated with those things, I guess for the humor factor of having a bed hidden in your wall. I’m guessing they were (or are, if still being manufactured) as uncomfortable as my old sofa bed used to be. The couple of times I slept on that thing it felt as if I was laying on a bicycle frame with a beach towel thrown over it.bz panel 08-03-15Here’s a gag for the young at heart. Like most adults, I sometimes glorify my memories of childhood but when I really think about it, it was kind of miserable. The complete lack of personal freedom was, in and of itself, a terrific reason not to want to return. School (especially back then when there was no such thing as “alternative” methods of doing anything) was a nightmare of control and oppression by the ruling class. Add to that puberty and the abject fear that social interactions with the “cool kids” or any female I was attracted to would cause and it’s no wonder I laid awake at night worrying. No thanks. I prefer adulthood, even with it’s myriad pitfalls. At least now I don’t care what the cool kids think.bz panel 08-04-15A bit surprisingly, I got a couple of comments this week from readers who did not understand this hunter gag. If you’re unfamiliar with the phrase, “Surrender Dorothy,” just google it. If you find out where it came from and still don’t understand the joke, you’re on your own. bz panel 08-05-15This is just a little nod to the fact that we often confuse the term “UFO” for meaning flying saucer, when it actually is no longer a UFO as soon as you know it is a flying saucer. (Spoken like a true grammar nazi.)  It’s also an amusing example of how couples sometimes argue about trivial matters and ignore the elephant in the room.bz panel 08-06-15My regular readers know that I love ventriloquism gags and here’s another. My ventriloquists are often the sort who cross the line in their relationships with their “dummies.” Which, to be fair, would be very easy to do since as a ventriloquist you’d likely have very few “real” friends in the first place.bz panel 08-07-15I’m not sure about this humor value of this computer fraud gag. Now and again someone writes an article on how many people each year still lose money because of Internet fraud so I guess there are still people who would fall for the sort of thing this guy seems to have. My rule of thumb is don’t believe anything you see on the Interwebs except this blog.bz panel 08-08-15I was also surprised to get a few comments asking me what this cartoon about the African witch doctor meant. I thought the dramatic cliche of a (western) doctor coming out of surgery to tell the family something like, “We’ve done everything we can, the only thing to do now is wait” was pretty common. I guess maybe not as common as I assumed, though. If you didn’t like this setup, perhaps this one will make you chuckle

That’s it for this week. Don’t forget to grab a T-shirt for yourself if you intended to but got wrapped up in reading this drivel instead. Sale ends tomorrow evening, Monday, Aug 10! Thanks, Jazz Pickles!


Parabolic Cartoonery

Before I get to this week’s cartoons, I’d like to tell you about this T-shirt campaign featuring one of my most popular cartoons. A portion of the proceeds benefit “Roots & Shoots,” a kid’s program at the Jane Goodall Institute. Only ONE WEEK LEFT in the campaign, then the shirt is gone for good! Thanks! Have a look now, then come back. And don’t hesitate to “like,” tweet, forward, etc. it so that other’s may find out about it, too!Bizarro12-30-07DevolutionWEBBizarro is brought to you today by Church Humor?Bizarro 08-02-15 hdrWEB Bizarro 08-02-15 WEBThis Sunday cartoon is a long and winding road and you’ll likely need to enlarge it to get the most out of it. Do that by clicking it. On my computer, I have to click it, then reload the page it goes to before it appears. No idea why; computer voodoo, I guess.

The publication of this today has nothing to do with the dentist who killed a famous lion, it’s just a coincidence. In my opinion, hunting animals for food is a topic that can be effectively debated from both sides, but I have no sympathy for people who kill purely for fun and the “trophy” they take home. It’s an extremely arrogant and unattractive character trait in my opinion.

Back to comedy, I know how to perform both the Heimlich Maneuver and the Wisenheimer Maneuver, which is to perform the Heimlich on someone who is only clearing their throat.

bz panel 07-27-15I must admit I love this “Old West” naming cartoon. I’m a big fan of the Old West, but the habit many yuppies have had (for a couple of decades now) of naming their kids this way got on my nerves some time ago. I know, I need to find more important things to be annoyed with (definitely true) but I have the kind of mind that grabs these things and chews, usually without my permission. It’s part of how I write cartoons, so I guess maybe it’s not such a bad thing. Except for people who have to live with me and listen to my pointless rants. Sorry, Olive Oyl! :^}bz panel 07-28-15Here’s one about kindness in language. I have a habit of being very self critical and when I make even a small mistake, like hitting the wrong keyboard shortcut, I tend to mutter to myself something like “not that one, dumbass.” I’ve been told by therapists that I am being unkind to myself and should train myself to stop it. I am trying and am making some headway, but occasionally fall back into it. Probably because I’m a dumbass.bz panel 07-29-15Speaking of the Old West, here is a cowboy taking an alternative eye exam. His name is Melvin but he goes by “Snake Tooth Willy,” so he’d fit right in at any modern American private school. bz panel 07-30-15I’m happy that Donald Trump is so much in the news lately because it makes this cartoon look more relevant. I guess I could’ve guessed he’d say something controversial and be all over the news by the time this came out since he does so regularly, but I didn’t really think about it. I just liked the gag. bz panel 07-31-15Who doesn’t love and/or fear the way cats seem to be able to see things we can’t? Okay, I’m sure plenty of people don’t care one way or the other but I’ve know folks who were authentically freaked out by their cat’s doing this, and that was the inspiration for this gag.bz panel 08-01-15A reader pointed out to me that I did this exact gag (with a different drawing) just over a year ago. Man, I’m tempted to think I’m losing my mind but then I recall that I’ve published over 10,000 cartoons in my career so I suppose I’ve gotten to a point that I couldn’t possibly remember them all. Or I’m losing my mind. At the very least, I’m going to start putting an “X” on them in my sketchbook after I’ve published an idea.

Don’t forget to check out my T-shirt sale. It benefits a terrific organization and it’s part of how we keep the lights on at Bizarro International Headquarters these days in a world of a dwindling newspaper industry. Thanks so much.



Grin and Bear It?

Bizarro 06-07-15 hdrWEB Bizarro is brought to you today by Art Supplies In The Wild.

As you regular readers of my work well know, I affectionately call regular readers of my work “Bizarro Jazz Pickles”. I can’t remember why, but that’s what I call you. To show my appreciation, (and to enable me to continue to offer all of my cartoons to you for Bizarro 06-07-15 WEBFREE on this blog!) I have created a series of special designs on T-shirts. Each is limited edition and is only on sale for two weeks. The fourth in this series (and the first one in more than one color!) is available now, for ten more days only. Grab one or more here and show your pride in being a Bizarro Jazz Pickle! 

Now for this week’s cartoons, starting with today, Sunday: Bears are scary. Super smart bears with sign painting capabilities are even scarier.

bz panel 06-01-15 Monday: People rarely go to 3-dimensional banks anymore but if you did and there was a fortune teller behind the counter instead of a bank teller, you might find it bz panel 06-02-15amusing.




Tuesday: I have a neighbor who coaches his son in baseball in their backyard every night after dinner and though he isn’t this kind of dad, it made me think of this gag. My eldest daughter, Krapuzar, played baseball on a boy’s team when she was ten years old (because there were no girl’s teams in our area) and there were dads like this. One of them openly objected to her being allowed on the team because she didn’t have a penis. My original impression of him was that he was a dick but bz panel 06-03-15 after getting to know him, I also thought he was an asshole.

Wednesday: There was a typo on my part in the published version of this gag that appeared in newspapers around the world. I put 193 million miles instead of the correct distance of the sun –– 93 million miles. I misread my map, I guess. So bz panel 06-04-15 embarrassing.

Thursday: If you haven’t heard, there are a LOT of problems with America’s industrialized food system, only one of which is antibiotics in meat. It’s a very bz panel 06-05-15serious health threat to the human species, but in this case it’s a little amusing.




Friday: Don’t you hate it when something is the wrong size and you have to bz panel 06-06-15return it?









Saturday: There’s no simple answer why I wrote this gag about a nerd and his girlfriend. I just thought it was funny that he thinks he’s dating someone from another century. That seems like something a certain kind of nerd would find appealing.

That’s it for this week. Please do consider snagging a T-shirt from me, it really does help keep the lights on at Bizarro International Headquarters since most people read my work on the Interwebs for free. :^}




Bizarro Jazz Pickle T-Shirt #4!

The fourth in my series of limited-edition, Jazz Pickle T-shirt designs is finally here and AVAILABLE FOR TWO WEEKS ONLY!  This magical* garment is guaranteed** to change your life for the better while destroying the lives of your enemies. Buy several now before it is too late and you are condemned to a life of regret and horror.

*Not magical in the literal sense                                                                                           **Not an actual guarantee

Comes in black or gray and a bunch of different styles. Go here for choosing the shirt that will go home with YOU!

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