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Psychic Longneck Cat Worship

bz panel 12-01-14bz strip 12-01-14bz panel 12-02-14bz strip 12-02-14bz panel 12-03-14bz strip 12-03-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Gun Lingo.

Does anyone out there have a modern solution to the password thing? You’re supposed to use different passwords for all your sites to reduce the possibility of having your identity stolen, but how do you remember them all? If you write them on a list, someone will steal the list and steal your life. I’ve taken to keeping a list but writing it in code. But sometimes I can’t remember what the code is. Gosh, life in the future can suck sometimes.
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Erect Bum House

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bizarro is brought to you today by Neanderthal SuperCuts!

A reader from New Zealand wrote to me and asked me to post her favorite comic of mine from years ago. I think this cartoon may have been published in Scandinavia at some point so maybe she saw it there or in a past episode of this blog. Not sure. So here it is, in all its glory. She didn’t say why this is her favorite; perhaps this is a common pick-up line in the land of the kiwi. (more…)

Pies, Clowns, Smut

Bizarro is brought to you today by Patriotic Wedding Wear.

Here’s another gag from my known accomplice,Wayno. I admit I did very little to change this one, as you’ll find out from his blog entry about it. I did add the orange sign in the background.

I know from experience that there are a dozen-or-so of you who read the copy in these posts and leave comments. But I’m beginning to believe that the overwhelming majority of people just read the cartoons and move on. I don’t blame them, I don’t read long blogs, either. But it’s time consuming to produce these posts and I’m wondering if there is any point to it when I could be using that time to chase rainbows and unicorns through fields of wildflowers or Tweet things I saw on my way to the store. Maybe I should just post the cartoon and a short sentence about it and leave it at that. Let me know your thoughts. Especially those of you who have not read this far. (more…)

>Electric Jesus

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For a larger view, click the image.

I had a special request from a beloved reader for this cartoon, so here it is. It’s never been published in the U.S. but appeared in some Scandinavian magazines with Bizarro a few years back. Some people find it crass, but it is merely an observation. If Jesus of Nazareth had died in an electric chair, millions of you readers would be wearing tiny gold chair earrings right now.

Hope you enjoy, another post and more cartoons to come later today.

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>Beauty Through Boredom

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Dubious Travel.

Day two of my Journey into the Bizarro Archives.

The first cartoon shown here is from a few days ago and I like it. So did a woman who wrote to me to say her husband is very funny and she looks like hell as a result. Sorry to hear that and congratulations. I once read that most women rank humor and intelligence above looks and money when it comes to choosing a mate. This is the one and only reason I have been successful with attractive women, for I am no George Clooney in either looks or money.

The next cartoon is from the late 1900s. This was drawn at a time when I was on my “Mooch Book Tour,” one that was funded entirely by my readers. I visited around 15 cities on donated plane tickets, stayed with Bizarro readers who had volunteered to drive me around, feed me and let me stay at their house. Some had nice guest rooms, others put me on the couch on in their child’s room. (sans toddler) At one house, I slept in a pink bedroom with Little Mermaid sheets. I wrote a book about it, which is long out of print but I still have a box or two of them. If you want one, I’ll sell them for $15 each, signed. Just a little way to clear my closet space and make some cigar money.

You may notice the hirsute man at the back of the line. That is a self-portrait from the period. To add to the impact, I’ve posted here a publicity photo from ’95 as well. I painted the big pink sign and cut a hole in it for my head. I thought is was funny.

That concludes today’s trip down memory lane. I hope nobody got car sick.

>Food?

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(click the lettuce to make the image bigger)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Suspicious “Food”

Today’s offering, which ran in papers last Sunday, is a Jack and the Beanstalk spin off. Magic beans aren’t always a good thing; who needs a four ton head of lettuce in their yard? Imagine the size of the bunnies it would attract.

Drawing the lettuce reminded me a lot of my days as a commercial illustrator. I worked for many years in a small commercial art studio in Dallas and we specialized in line drawings of products, mostly food. Some of our regular clients were Frito Lay, Armour Meats, Pepsi and American Airlines. AA had us draw planes, of course, not food. It was not glamorous work but it was good, consistent money in those days.

Most of what we did was photorealistic stipple drawings like the image I’ve posted here. This was not for a client but was a promotional image we did for the studio, which was called “Cat Pak.” Get it? It’s food in the shape of a cat. I wasn’t vegan then, so drawing a dead fish as food did not conflict with my personal ethics. This is a bad copy of the original but was the best I could find today. The original was not so “gloppy” looking. Gloppy is an advertising term used to describe things that are, I don’t know, gloppy-looking.

In the first ten years of Bizarro, from 1985 to 1995, the feature didn’t make enough money to support my family so I worked full time as an illustrator and did all my cartooning at nights and on weekends. It was a grind.

>THE BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!

>So here it is President’s Day and Valentine’s Day back-to-back. Who can afford all of the presents for both such important holidays, especially in this sluggish economy?!

The solution is to get that special someone (and yourself) a Bizarro iPhone app! Boy, am I excited about it! I’ve been working for months with some very cool app designers here in NYC and we’ve come up with a new innovation in the comics-for-phones field!

Previously, with other comics apps, you could only buy a given number of cartoons and cram them into your phone and when you’d seen them all, that was that. Could take you ten minutes, could take you ten years.

With the Bizarro app, a NEW COMIC is added EVERY DAY! (The same comic that appears in newspapers.) PLUS, at any given time there is a YEAR’S ARCHIVE of comics that can be accessed super easy and fast from a handy-dandy calendar page. You can also click to access bio info about me (oh! so funny!), info about Bizarro (more humor!), and a help link if pushing buttons on a phone ends up being more than you can handle. Also, you can shoot an email to your other cool friends who might like this app, and you can leave comments. Last, but not least, you can
click to access this very ever-lovin’ blog.

ALL FOR ONLY $1.99 PER YEAR! How can we give all of these laughs, drawings, insights, and life-changing experiences away for only $1.99 per year? I’m not sure, I’ll have to ask them about raising the price to something more appropriate, like $10K per week. But for now, the price is DEAD CHEAP, so don’t miss it!

As you can see from the graphic below, the home page is super long, so scroll down, amigos!

MAY I READ MORE ABOUT IT NOW?
YES! READ MORE ABOUT IT NOW!

Click it to big it…

>Tears of a Clown Shoe

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Footwear Violence.

Here’s one of those stories you’ll only hear if you read this blog. (And only “hear” if you read it aloud.)

I originally wrote this joke as the black and white version below shows. When I submitted it, I knew there might be some discussion over whether it was wise to submit it to my client papers and I was right. After a conversation with my editor and friend, whom we’ll call “Choppy the Editor” for reasons of anonymity, it was decided that matters of erection might raise some eyebrows in many of my smaller-town markets.

You might say I should forge ahead and ignore the priggish ways of the powers that be, but in this economy, newspapers are looking for ways to save money and one of their routine practices is to cancel a comic. Giving them an excuse isn’t wise, so I changed the gag.

I’m glad it happened this way, because the clown picture is much funnier anyway.

By the way, the Washington Post Express canceled Bizarro recently, a client that I really cherished. No idea why, probably just financial concerns. If this bothers you, please contact them (you can likely find an email address pretty easily) and tell them you have tears in your eyes and can barely get through the day. You’ll be my new best friend.

>Sketchbook-a-go-go

>Bizarro is brought to you today by Irrefutable Evidence.

(To see more detail, click on each image to enlarge)

Instead of posting one of my published cartoons today, I thought it might be fun to post a few random pages of sketch book stuff. Perhaps I am wrong.

These images are drawn without any plan or goal, just taking a pen to paper and drawing whatever comes to mind. There is no pencil sketch first or reference to draw from, just whatever comes out of the end of the pen. These are all about 5″x7″.

These are my favorite kinds of drawings to do, but unfortunately there’s no money in it.

One might be inclined to say, “Dan, wouldn’t it be cool to put all of these in a book?” to which I would say, “Yes, cool, but I’d be lucky to sell enough to fill the glove box of a Smart Car.”

Wouldn’t it be great if we could all make a living just doing whatever what we want? I vote for that option.


P.S. I should also mention that these drawings have nothing to do with drugs or alcohol. I can only do this sort of thing when straight and sober.

>Strange Things

>I just received an email alerting me that an old animation project I created in 1989 is on YouTube. I’d forgotten all about it, but here it is in all its homemade glory as part of a popular indie TV show of the day in Canada. The show was out of Toronto, as I recall, and dealt with comics and graphic novels and sci-fi stuff. The first part of this segment is about The Watchmen and V for Vendetta, my segment starts at about 3:50 in. Please enjoy.

The first part of my segment, showing me as a 32-year-old pup, was taped on a home video recorder in the Dallas commercial art studio in which I worked at the time. The voices from off camera are my coworkers. The actual animation was all done with hand-made props and pictures in a local cable TV station with my friend, Steve Dirkx, who knew how to do that stuff. I tried to sell this thing but never got anywhere. It’s fun to see it again.

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