Thoughtful Companions

bz panel 05-06-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Super Powers.

I recently saw a short video of a so-called “pet pychic” visiting an animal sanctuary, and it inspired this cartoon. As Penn and Teller have been telling us for decades, there is no such thing as magic. The human mind is constructed in such a way that it can be made to believe almost anything with a little misdirection. Psychics of all kinds have played on this trait since human societies first formed, as have con men, magicians, evangelists, mediums, astrologers, wizards, etc.

You’re welcome to buy into these kinds of fantasies if you like––most of us enjoy believing in magic*––but I’ve found that the real universe is plenty fascinating enough and full of and endless supply of incomprehensible wonder to keep my brain inspired. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy magic acts; I do. I’m not keen, however, on people who charge others to tell them what their pets are thinking. It’s fraud and it’s not even clever. How could you possibly be proven wrong?

I, on the other hand, actually do have a supernatural skill, and that is reading the thoughts of your furniture. If you’re interested in your furniture’s opinion about your lounging habits, or where it would rather be in a room, I can tell you all you need to know from a simple photo of your home. It’s pricey, but your furniture deserves your attention. For an appointment, call 1-800-IWillBelieveJustAboutAnything.

*Zodiac, miracles, psychic abilities, visions, premonitions, religion, prophetic dreams, fate, etc.

Chordate Chords

Bizarro 05-05-13 WEB










(To see these beasts closer to life-size, click the Hippo’s belt buckle.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Rockin’ Non-Humans.

Until relatively recently, scientists believed that large mammals only participated in jazz and classical music. Then, in June of 2006, explorers from National Geographic happened across a heavy metal band in the African Congo. They weren’t particularly good, but then you don’t have to be to play heavy metal. Perhaps the strangest element of this band was not that they were breaking all previously held scientific beliefs about non-human mammal musicianship, but that the drummer was able to consistently show up on time to rehearsals and gigs, in spite of the fact that he had no visible means of traveling on land. This is doubly surprising because it is something that human drummers can rarely accomplish.

This fun little ditty was the brainchild of my known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh. I loved the idea primarily because it would be so much fun to draw, and I wasn’t disappointed. I must admit that this was a blast to envision and create. I used to be the lead singer for a band “back in the day,” so I drew upon lots of memories of those times. Although, my band was New Wave, so we didn’t wear the same kinds of costumes these gents are sporting nor did we make gratuitous references to death or the devil.

Here’s what the talented Wayno of Pittsburgh has to say about this collaboration and the upcoming adventures of his own band.

Screaming for Sex

bz panel 05-04-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Hot Babe in Hot Pants.

I’m one of those people who hates nightclubs. If I’m going to spend time in a bar, it has to be a reasonably quiet, neighborhood bar where I can have a conversation with a friend over a drink. As long as I live, I’ll never understand the attraction of a crowded room with music blasting so loudly that one has to shout to be heard.

These places are immensely popular and their primary purpose for the patrons seems to be to arrange sexual encounters. I have personally never had any luck in getting a woman to want to have sex with me while I’m shouting at her. I remain utterly mystified by this process.

Unnatural Acts

bz panel 05-03-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Choice.

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I believe that denying non-heterosexual couples the right to marry is as bigoted as denying women or non-whites the right to vote. Fortunately, it seems that most Americans currently agree and this particular injustice is probably on its way out of the justice system for good. Maybe not tomorrow, but in my lifetime. Unless I’m killed prematurely. At the hands of a homophobe. Probably with a gun he bought without a background check.

But more to the point, I think marriage should be taken out of the government’s hands entirely; it should be a personal or religious choice and unregulated or documented by the authorities.

(Child support, on the other hand, should be a part of the legal system because basic social responsibility for the crotch fruit a person drags into this world is good for all of society.) The only reasons I can think of for marriage’s inclusion in the government’s business (and I’m speaking as an amateur historical expert here) are archaic.

America’s current marriage and divorce laws are based on ancient times when men “owned” their wives. For centuries, women were kept at home like slaves––cooking, cleaning, spitting out babies and taking care of them until she (or he) dropped dead. The men often had sex partners on the side, which was silently accepted in most societies, but if the woman did, she was executed or at least ostracized by “decent” society. Even in more recent and less barbaric times, like when I was a kid in the sixties, most women didn’t work so if a man dumped his wife in her later years, she had no reasonable way to take care of herself. Thus the concept of alimony. Under those conditions that seemed fair and probably was.

In today’s America, however, staying home to raise children is something that women are not forced to do, but choose to do. In the society I am imagining, if a woman chooses this and her husband leaves her in midlife without any logical means of support, she could still sue him for the injustice, and the courts would hear these cases. But women who never had children but still chose not to work, despite their husband’s encouragement to do so, have no logical argument for alimony after the marriage is over. If the only reason the woman has no means of supporting herself was her own choice, why does the husband owe her a living beyond the time they are living together?

I personally know a man whose wife cheated, lied, stole money, got into trouble with the law, drank and drugged to excess, and personally made their apartment a pig sty. When he’d finally had enough, he left. But because of their state’s “no fault” policy toward divorce (most states in America have this system), his story was never considered or even allowed to be told in court. The courts don’t care. Instead, he is routinely ordered to pay her thousands of dollars a month for years. No matter what the situation is, everything gets split in half, including the hard-working member of the marriage’s income for years after they split. How does this make sense in today’s America? (This sometimes happens the other way around and the woman is the one with the money and must share it with the deadbeat husband, but it is rare.) These laws are clearly based on more primitive times and have their roots in the ownership of women. Yet almost everyone knows someone to whom this has happened.

So while I’m happy that non-traditional couples are slowly but surely being granted the rights of the majority, I increasingly find myself in the camp that wonders why anyone would want to drag judges and lawyers into their relationship. I know I’ll never make that mistake again.

Missing Fruit(s)

bz panel 05-02-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Sexy Time!

I personally know someone here in the United States of America who didn’t get this gag at first. So that leads me to believe that people in other countries may not, either. So here goes another explanation of a joke, which you’re never supposed to do. But I like to live dangerously so I’m going for it. Without a helmet or seat belt, I might add.

“Grow a pair” is a fairly common expression spoken to a man when he  is not acting like manly. The assumption is that a “pair” of something is what makes you act manly: aggressive, foolhardy, judgmental, macho, butch, tough––all of the things we hate in others. No one ever says a pair of what, so one is left to make one’s own assumption.

On the outside, the head, neck, nose, mouth, navel, rectum, and penis are the only things there are not a pair of. On the inside, the list is a little longer: heart, liver, pancreas, intestines, spine, sternum, stomach, appendix, and other gooey things like that. Everything not on one of those lists is a candidate. Choose wisely before you decide to grow some.