Early Alert System

bz panel 04-25-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Differently Abled.

If you are a blind person reading this post, I’d love to know how. Do you have a computer that speaks the words on the screen or is it a braille device that interprets what I’m typing now into little raised bumps on some exterior device? I don’t know if this kind of technology exists, but I wouldn’t be surprised and it should if it doesn’t.

If you do have this technology, I should explain the picture. It’s an optometrist’s office and the doctor is holding a paddle over one eye of a seeing-eye dog, while he is facing a typical-looking eye chart. But instead of random letters, the letters on the chart spell these words from top to bottom: bus, car, bike, puddle, banana peel.

If this technology does not exist, I just typed all of this for nothing.

Anyway, I hope you get a chuckle from this gag.

Cartoon No Otrac

bz panel 04-24-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Confusing Blind Date.

The cleverness of the human mind seems almost boundless. Give people enough spare time and they’ll fill it with all kinds of weird ways to occupy their minds. Palindromes is such an activity. At some point in history, some bored guy who had plenty to eat, a roof over his head, and no predators in sight, decided to see if he could construct a sentence that was spelled the same backwards as forwards. Thus, palindromes were born.

The earliest palindrome was discovered in Herculaneum (even though this sentence starts out this boring, read on!), a city buried by ash in 79 AD, which said “Sator Arepo Tenet Opera Rotas.” Now here’s the cool part: It is remarkable for the fact that the first letters of each word form the first word, the second letters form the second word, and so forth. Hence, it can be arranged into a word square (see below)  that reads in four different ways: horizontally or vertically from either top left to bottom right or bottom right to top left. Palindrome Square

WHAT?!! How the hell do you do that? That’s WAY harder than soduku or sudoku or soduko or whatever it is called. Of course, the translation in English is a bit strange: Pie Dynamite Eyeball Bunny Alien.

For more on this crazy thingamajig and to find out which of the sentences above I stole directly from Wikipedia, click here.

Dept. of Depp

bz panel 04-23-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Past Tense.

Okay, I’m going to slip one more post in before I crawl under the house for the evening. Here we have a dry cleaner gag, of which I’ve done many, but this one is different because it also features JOHNNY DEPP!! 

For reals, though, the dry cleaner near my house in LA has tons of signed autographs of celebrities on the wall. So does the little mail shop and the shoe repair shop and just about every shop in all of LA. Because celebrities live here and they have to buy stuff just like the rest of us. But it’s usually not the A-list celebrities whose pictures are on the walls, they have peons for that kind of thing. It’s usually the guy who hosted The Price is Right when Bob Barker was in the hospital––people like that.

So don’t get too excited, that’s all I’m saying.

Not So “L”

bz panel 04-22-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Inappropriate Reading.

Gosh darn it. No sooner do I switch back to blogging every day, I get busy and have to neglect two days in a row. I have brought shame to my entire village.

Regarding this cartoon: if you’re under forty, you likely don’t remember libraries. They are big buildings where people put a lot of books of all kinds so that when TV, the Internet, and e-books finally take over for good and we decide there is no further use for physical books, they’ll all be in centrally located places for ease of burning.

I’ll post the other two cartoons from the week thus far later today.

Dog Days Cat Nights

(To witness this cartoon getting bigified before your very eye(s), click on the lightbulb.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Pet Connections.

I’ve lived with cats and with dogs and I like them both, but for very different reasons. Cats are much easier house guests since they don’t mind being left alone, they don’t have to be walked, and they don’t require too much attention. Unless you object to house guests who shred your furniture with their claws. Dogs are better if you want an excuse to get outside everyday whether it’s freezing cold and raining or not, if you like to play fetch and other games with non-human animals, and if you want a lot of one-on-one face time with someone who understands your  language but can’t speak a word of it. They both have their benefits and most people find life more enjoyable with a companion animal or twelve.

But if you’re looking for protection in your home, dogs are the way to go. Even a chihuahua will die trying to defend you (often by attacking the ankles and eardrums of the intruder), whereas a cat will likely just be annoyed that your cries for help woke her up.

Dogs are also better for housecleaning. They’ll vacuum up anything edible that you happen to toss on the floor, so your garbage disposal ends up lasting many years longer. Cats won’t provide this service; even if they do eat something you dropped, they’ll just bring it to another room and barf it back up.

Because I’m renting at the moment (because all my money is tied up in a very expensive and childish divorce) I’m not allowed to have pets, per se. So I’ve adopted and named some of the local wildlife in my back garden: Dale the snail, Snyder the Spider, Joe the crow, Robin the robin, and Earl the squirrel.

To round this chat out with some good citizenship, NEVER buy an animal from a breeder or pet store. You can pretty much guarantee that the mother of that animal is a miserable slave to reproduction. You can get pretty much any cat or dog you want from a rescue shelter and they make better pets. Which would you rather have in your home: a snotty rich person who’s had everything handed to him since the day he was born or a person you rescued from a cage and owes you their very life? Remember, it isn’t a fashion accessory, it’s a fellow earthling.