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Victors and Spoils

Bizarro 02-09-14 hedrBizarro 02-09-14 WEBBizarro is brought to you today by Required Reading.

I have a friend who lives in Dallas, Texas or somewhere like that, named Brian Levy.  He sends me about 50 fragments of cartoon ideas every week. Most of them are just interesting musings, a few have inspired me to cartoon ideas that I’ve actually used. This one was brilliant, I thought, and it came just in time for the opening of the Olympics. As you can see, Bigfoot (Sasquatch, Yeti, Abominable Snowman) has won gold, the Loch Ness Monster snagged the silver, and Waldo must go home with Bronze because although he is very good at hiding, he has actually been found by millions of children on a fairly regular basis. In my opinion, he could take a lesson from Bigfoot. (more…)

Big Feet, Big TV

Here’s a tip for the Jazz Pickle Jar. Tonight at 10 and 11PM Eastern and Pacific, on Spike TV, are TWO episodes of “10 Million Dollar Bigfoot Bounty.”  If you enjoy watching rednecks scrounging through the woods chasing unicorns and tooth fairies as much as I do, you’ll love this.

One team on the show is using live women as bait because they believe Sasquatch is attracted to menstruating females. Yes, I’m serious. Take a look at this clip and tell me these guys aren’t natural comedians. In the last seconds, they find something in the woods that they believe will snag them the $10 million. (more…)

Space Cookies

bz panel 09-12-13 oreobz strip 09-12-13oreoBizarro is brought to you today by Suspicious Origins.

Here’s the latest offering from my good friend and occasional collaborator, Cliff Harris the King of Wordplay. It’s a simple gag but I think it’s fun.

I’m not sure where I stand on the existence of extra-terrestrial life and its likelihood of visiting this planet. Considering the vastness of the universe, it seems likely that there is intelligent life elsewhere. Whether or not there exists any capable of visiting here is endlessly debatable. Humans have a natural habit of seeing things that aren’t there and building stories around the experience, so my rational side is inclined to dismiss UFO stories. On the other hand, I saw a video once of 8 or 10 very respectable citizens of Earth testifying at length before a Senate committee about experiences they’d had that defied any other explanation. These weren’t random rednecks (like Cliff) or creative yahoos (like me) but people who held high-ranking positions in the military and business world, so they had plenty to lose by saying things into a microphone that most people would consider wacky. Based on that one video, I’m still skeptical but open minded. It would not surprise me greatly to find out either were true. (more…)

Mirror Viewers

bz panel 06-01-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Alternate Lifestyle Hygiene.

Have ever felt you were being watched? When I was a little kid, I had this ongoing fantasy for years that I was the only real human and I was created by an alien civilization that was watching me through mirrors. The entire earth and all of its other inhabitants were androids put here as an experiment to see how I would react. I never really believed it, but anytime I walked past a mirror, I would look into it and wink, not at myself, but at the aliens watching me. Just in case I was right, I wanted them to know I had figured it out. (more…)

Anal Painting

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Costume That Wouldn’t Come Off.

I thought I might get an editor or two who did not want to publish this cartoon because of the phrase, “anal probe.” But no one blinked and it made it into all my client papers. I did, however, get a brief note from a reader who said it was “very inappropriate for a family newspaper.” (more…)

Famous Alien Roofs

Bizarro is brought to you today by Spot The Joke.

I’m not a pop-culture scientist (and have never even played one on TV) but it seems to me that we now experience far more “celebrities” who cannot actually do anything special than we ever have before. I blame reality TV shows. If you can somehow con your way onto one of these god-forsaken shows, you can become a rich and famous “celebrity” by just being the jackass you’ve been all your life. The most distressing part of this equation is that millions of people will actually worship you. Kim Kardashian’s most unique gift is her inherited fortune and comically huge clown ass. Snooki’s is her utter lack of dignity or shame. These are now considered talents. It makes me shudder. Then vomit. Then hold a gun to my head. (The only reason I’m still able to write this post is that my unfamiliarity with guns led me to buy batteries instead of bullets.) (more…)

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