Hot Crackers

(Embiggenation is within your reach with a simple click on the parrot’s cloaca.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Maybe If Your Business Is Pimping.

Olive Oyl and I are not big enough fans of technology to want one of those thingamajigs––whatever you call them––in our house, but we do like to appear to our friends to be “hip” and up-to-date, so I spray painted a tomato juice can black and put it on our coffee table. When our friends come over, I just casually say, “Alexa, take a nap for a few hours and don’t bother us while our visitors are here unless it’s an emergency.” So far no one is the wiser.

If you have a thingamajig, ask Alexa to order you a Jazz Pickle enamel pin pronto. Apart from being aesthetically very attractive, it also achieves two important objectives:

  1. Identifies you as a member of an elite group of highly intelligent, tasteful, and discerning individuals
  2. Looks awesome on your girl scout beret

There are also three other pins currently on offer and you can see them here. Or visit my entire new Bizarro Shop by starting on the home page. Once these pins are sold out, we’ll be replacing them with other designs, so don’t get left behind with a blank space on your sash or beret.

And now, the week in Wayno cartoons:

As a result of our growing understanding of genetics, there are big-brained scientists who are considering the distinct possibility that what we call “free will” is actually an illusion. That is to say that, given your exact genetic makeup, there is only one decision you can and will make under a given set of circumstances and you really don’t have a choice at all; you only think you do. If you throw out your personal beliefs for a moment and consider it objectively, it could absolutely be true and we’d never know it. And if it was true and we could prove it, it would dismantle everything we believe and think we know about religion, law, criminal behavior, personality, success, etc.

I enjoy thinking about this kind of crazy stuff.

They say that vertical stripes make you look thinner than horizontal stripes, which I guess is why prisoners in a jail look thinner than cattle in a corral. (Just think about it awhile before you ask what I meant by that.)

Pro tip for artists: If you ever want to draw a turd, use a #2 pencil. If you want to draw urine, use a six-pack of beer.

If Mom and Pop are devotees of Fox News Channel, they should have no trouble buying into this kid’s bullshit. Most Fox viewers seemed to have no trouble accepting it when they were told that the middle class and poor would be better off if rich people and corporations got a huge tax cut. I guess because rich people are so famous for sharing their good fortune with their employees and those of us who did not get a red carpet invitation to an expensive education and a lucrative career.

In the next scene, he tries to remember whether or not his apartment number is 2B. (Anybody get the reference to a famous 20th-century detective here? If not, Wayno has a link in his blog post today that explains it.)

I like the way that Wayno drew these guys’ eyes. I never trust a person whose irises don’t touch their eyelids on any side. It’s just creepy.

That’s the rundown for this week, Jazz Pickles. Thanks for following me this far through traffic; I hope I didn’t drive too fast. Don’t forget to avail yourself of Wayno’s blog this week and the other handy-dandy links below. Those of us at Rancho Bizarro (Mexico) and Bizarro Studios North (Pittsburgh) thank you from the basements of our hearts.

Wayno: Weekly blogTwitterInstagramWaynoVision

Piraro: Bizarro shop  Bizarro tip jar Signed, numbered, limited edition prints and original cartoon art Piraro Instagram  Twitter Piraro coloring book

My Last Post Ever

Well, Jazz Pickles, these last few years of blogging have been an incredible ride. I’ve had such fun sharing my thoughts, ideas, photos, and cartoons with you and your responses have been a great inspiration to me. But all good things must come to an end and this is my last post ever.

I am sorry if this distresses or disappoints you but soon you won’t care. Once the world ends (sometime tomorrow) we’ll all be thrust into oblivion and nothing will matter. As Mark Twain once said, “I was dead for billions of years before I was born and it didn’t inconvenience me in the slightest.” I take great comfort in that idea.

Here, for your last minute amusement, are two of my cartoons about the Maya Apocalypse.  (Yes, I know the calender depicted is Aztec, but cartoons are about using common vernacular to get the joke across, not accuracy.)  You may notice this first one is from 2009. It seems the Mayas are not the only ones who had predictive abilities.

The second cartoon is based on the assumption that if the world does not end on December 21st, the Mayas will be disappointed. If it does happen, however, every other religion will be disappointed that their version of a world-crushing, torturous apocalypse that causes the suffering, misery and death of billions of nonbelievers wasn’t true.

Most people find it tough to be wrong, though I don’t mind it so much. I’ve not been right in my life often enough to have developed a taste for it.

Happy oblivion, Jazz Pickles!

Rock Parking Fire Babe Death

Bizarro is brought to you today by High Tech Noses

I’m overworked and underpaid this week so I’m taking a few days off of blog duties. Here are some cartoons to catch you all up, sorry for the lack of witty banter to accompany them. My brain is getting some much needed rest.

My good buddy, Michael Capozzola suggested the parking cartoon. Check out his other cartoons here.

If you don’t get the second caveman cartoon, it’s likely because you don’t know the Venus of Willendorf. Yo, check it. If you don’t recognize the woman’s image, check this.

The last one, about the apocalypse that is always coming but just never seems to get here is a collaboration with my known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh. See what he has to say about it here.