Funeral Rash Hitman

Bizarro is brought to you today by No, Don’t.

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I particularly like this first cartoon about a unique funeral. It’s got all the things I like in a cartoon: absurdity, irreverence, a clergyman, towels, a funny picture, and, though it seems this specialized ceremony went pretty smoothly up to this point, what happens next is up to the reader to imagine.

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I once had crosshatching on my ass and it scared the crap out of me until I realized I had sat on a drawing on which the ink had not quite dried.  No, I do not cartoon in the nude, but I sometimes store drawings in the back of my pants.

In case you missed yesterday’s post, I have a new, limited-edition Bizarro Jazz Pickle T-shirt on sale for the next 12 days only. After that, the design is gone for good. The character on this shirt is an integral part of my new Bizarro.com website, which goes live on Monday! There are lots of colors and styles to choose from so check out the dropdown menu. Great gift idea, don’t you think? See the whole shebang being offered here.

Here’s what Jerry Lewis looks like in one.

BIZARRO BASEMENT: From the archival sewer pipes in the section clearly marked “1996,” I bring you this magical moment from the Sicilian version of Cinderella.Bizarro02-09-96WEB

 

Selfie Sample Guru Bus

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Bizarro is brought to you today by The Least You Can Do.

I’m in my mid-fifties and have been thinking about social media lately. I’ve gone through stages where I didn’t understand it, then I got into it, then I thought it was necessary for my business and getting the most out of life, and now I’m thinking it has nothing to do with my happiness and is likely a detriment to it. Life happens in a much more profound and satisfying way in person and it is actually true that the best things in life are free. I still use it to a small degree, of course, in ways that it facilitates me, but I’ll never be a Twitter Star. I don’t take as many selfies as younger folks, either. I know that selfies are not literally “social media” but they figure in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love this clown cartoon but it just occurred to me that I made a grievous drafting error: the toilet has no seat. I have brought shame to my entire village.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My final cartoon this week (before Sunday’s) is also about my philosophical musings about technology. Here’s a guru who is presumably trying to discover the true nature of existence and all he can do is fret over the speed of his Internet. The mountaintop guru is a terrific cartoon motif for exploring the truths of human society and I’ve used it again and again. And I’ll use it again. I just wrote a good one yesterday, in fact, that will appear in Bizarro in mid-to-late July.

 

 

 

 

 

JAZZ PICKLE JAR: Here’s a guru cartoon from 2002, though he has chosen the driver’s seat of a city bus rather than a mountaintop. I changed the name of the bus’s destination as a little shout-out to my regular readers. bz 05-10-02 Bus Guru

 

 

 

Snoopy Clog Rock Apple

Bizarro 05-18-14 hedrBizarro 05-18-14 WEBBizarro is brought to you today by Unreasonable Request.

There’s been quite a lot about the NSA in the news lately and, even though I have given up the idea that a government or the law can be “fair,” the fact that our own government is spying on us is deplorable. Many great minds have said something like: You have to choose freedom or safety, you can’t have both.  Personally, I’d rather be more free and less safe, but that’s just me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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From last Friday comes this gag which discloses one of Batman’s rare weaknesses.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And Saturday’s cartoon features a familiar scene from Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves, with a modern twist. There’s probably no end to the number of “username and password” cartoons that a person could do but I’m going to try to stop now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BYGONE BIZARRO: This cartoon from 1997 reminds us that even the Devil doesn’t take New York City lightly. I lived there for ten years and I don’t blame him.bz 08-19-97 Eden NYC

Reap Hat Wig

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Bizarro is brought to you today by But What’s the Red Pipe For?

When the Grim Reaper comes a reaping at your door, will he be able to speak to you without a larynx? Can he sneeze without lungs, a mouth, or sinus cavities? Can you knock him down an run since he has no muscles to hold him up? For that matter, how does he hold up that heavy scythe?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This next cartoon is about how certain public officials have funny hats. What does their hat-hair look like at the end of the day? When I had an afro in high school, I briefly worked at an old-fashioned ice cream parlor and had to wear one of those straw boater hats and a hairnet. The walk home after work was only a block but I was terrified someone would see me either wearing that stupid hat or the ludicrous shape of a flat disk that my afro would maintain until I washed my hair. Oh, the pain of adolescence.

 

 

 

 

 

bz 09-08-99 TOUPEEwebBIZARRO BASEMENT: And now, from 1999, is another person with a hair issue.

Hissing Bliss

Bz panel 07-03-13bz strip 07-03-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Handsome Homemade Towels.

Here is J.C.Duffy’s (Fusco Brothers, New Yorker) third cartoon of the week. If you missed my previous two posts then you may not know that a few weeks back I took a vacation and J.C. filled in for me. He did the work I was supposed to submit that week, which is just now running in newspapers, so I’m not actually on vacation now; in case you were thinking of robbing my house. (Okay, my nest hanging on the side of a building in downtown L.A.)

One of my most faithful Jazz Pickles requested that I post old Bizarros on these pages along with Duffy’s work, so here’s one from 2002 that I like. If you’ve ever had a job of any kind for any reason, you will likely relate to this gag. bz 01-09-02 job

Happy Shiny Rodents

bz panel 06-19-13bz strip 06-19-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Prankster Barbers.

I know that nobody enjoys public restrooms but I actively despise them. I’d much rather go in the woods than in a stinky public toilet, or, GOD FORBID, a Port-a-poddy. The cafe/restaurant/bar in this cartoon is complete with rats, too. Or at least that’s what the sign would indicate.

When I was 16, I worked in a swanky, expensive restaurant briefly as a busboy. It took me quite some time before I could eat in one again. Let’s just say it was not as clean as one would hope, especially at those prices.

Not a GREAT cartoon, but it spoke to me.

Beasts of Beauty

bz panel 05-17-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Do-it-Yourself Dentures.

I used to live with a couple of different women, at different times, and both of them spent a fortune on youth and beauty creams. They were both naturally youthful and beautiful and weren’t the type to wear tons of makeup or fuss over their hair, but their fear of getting old led them to fall prey to the beauty cream racket. It is, by the way, astounding how much that stuff costs. (I don’t like looking older, either, by the way, but I don’t do anything to prevent it other than dye my hair, tape my eyelids up, wear a toupee and a girdle, and shove white Chiclets into the spaces where I’ve lost teeth.)

So with that background, this cartoon occurred to me. I did a different type of cartoon using the same basic premise about our obsession with looking younger. You can see it by clicking these blue words. (For color blind readers, click the red words.)

Poopy Pun

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Power of Footwear.

This cartoon will divide my readers into two groups: those who got it immediately, and those who got it eventually, and those who never got it at all, and those who would not have gotten it had they not read this blog. And those who are not great at math.

This gag’s concept was pooped out of by my good buddy, Cliff Harris The King of Wordplay. Cliff’s ideas are often quite simple, like this one, but always unexpected. When he first described this to me in an email, it took me quite a few seconds to get it. Once I did, I laughed at myself for missing it. I had fun with the process and hoped you would, too.  If you still don’t get it as you read this sentence, the answer is written below, upside down.

Speaking of shoes and indoor toilets, aren’t they both just so convenient? Where would we be without them? (Answer below)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer 1: I have no idea how to make type upside down on this blog. The answer is that the lady’s toilet was “clogged”and the object clogging it was a clog!

Answer 2: Outside barefooted.