Church Murder Bird Poop

bz panel 08-28-14bz strip 08-28-14bz panel 08-29-14bz strip 08-29-14bz panel 08-30-14bz strip 08-30-14Bizarro is brought to you today by The Glamorous World of Taxis.

I’ve done a few Batman cartoons wherein I riff on the animal choices for he and Robin’s alter-egos. This suggestion, however, came from my good friend and colleague in cartooning, Dan McConnell. (I’ve asked Dan to double all of the consonants in his first and last name, but he resists.) You can see his original suggestion for this comic here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I thought this was a fun way to comment on the recent phenomenon of people being on their smart phones all of the time instead of being present. I was happy to find a way to do it without showing a lot of people on smart phones.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is mounting evidence that birds have better memories than we have given them credit for. I have no doubt they recognize “easy marks” from past experiences. I used to feed a flock of pigeons on the roof of my building in Manhattan years ago and a couple of them would recognize me on the very crowded streets of my neighborhood (9 stories below) and pester me for food.

 

 

 

 

 

 

BIZARRO BASEMENT: Here’s a weird cartoon of mine from 1998. It’s one of those that isn’t immediately apparent until closer inspection. At least, that was my intent.bz980810 WEB

 

Nose Lice Feet

bz panel 05-23-14bz strip 05-23-14bz panel 05-24-14bz strip 05-24-14

 

Bizarro is brought to you today by Clever Ways to Dispose of Evidence.

My Friday offering this week is an obvious reference to the old adage, “You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.”  Now you can.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This cartoon is an attempt to ruin your next selfie. The only reason school children get head lice more often than adults is that they are more likely put their heads together. Parents get them from their kids by hugging them. So it stands to reason that the “selfie” craze will be a boon to the head lice community. Thus far, we have ascertained that cell phones give people brain tumors and head lice. What next? Rotating Buttock Syndrome?

 

 

 

 

 

 

BIZOMBIES: Speaking of heads, let’s talk about feet. From 1997.bz 06-17-96 FeetWEB

Escape Photo Evidence Beer

bz panel 04-03-14bz panel 04-04-14bz strip 04-04-14bz panel 04-05-14

 

 

Bizarro is brought to you today by Where Jazz Pickles Go To Mate.

 

One enduring question of evolution is why sea creatures began slithering onto land. In the first cartoon of this post, I present my theory.

 

 

 

 

 

My second cartoon today is another of my Bigfoot renditions, of which I’ve done many. A few people have asked me what this one means, exactly. If you are one of those who are wondering, I would ask if you’ve ever tried to get a good picture of Bigfoot.

This is perhaps my favorite Bigfoot cartoon ever and it also has some nice background gags. Look up “lepus” if you’re not familiar with the word. And, I wouldn’t be your Grand Imperial Exalted Jazz Poobah if I didn’t mention that International Pickle Week is coming up sometime this year, though the Google God could not seem to tell me exactly when. Any Jazz Pickles who can provide this information will receive 75 bonus points.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My third cartoon is also about relationship friction. I have found that in hetero relationships, it is most often the female who is better at using words against the male, probably because males are oafish and tend to rely on their physical prowess to win arguments, and decent men don’t raise their fists against women. I hasten to add that these two relationship cartoons were not inspired by my current relationship with Olive Oyl, who has neither driven me out of the water nor used my words against me. Except for the time I said “I know a better way” after she had given me directions to a specific location, and my short cut ended up costing us more time. But that’s a given.

 

PREZARRO:bz 04-17-09BigFootWEB Back from the past like a foul burrito is this cartoon from 2009 in which Bigfoot explains how and why he exists. He should know, right?

Paint Sniff Click Sneak

bz panel 03-05-14bz panel 03-06-14 bz panel 03-07-14bz strip 03-07-14bz 05-09-96 dentistWEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Master Race.

 

Time to play catch up again. I was out all day yesterday and met one of my comedy idols completely accidentally, which was a huge thrill! My next post will be about that.

 

For now, let us examine this handful of cartoons from this week. All of them are pretty self-explanatory, so I won’t go into a big story here except to say that the one about telephone tech support reminds me of another connection I made once while in a cab in NYC.

When I call tech support from the US, I almost always get someone with an accent from somewhere around India. Meanwhile, most of the cab drivers in NYC have a similar accent and they are ALWAYS talking to someone on their cell phone, with some sort of hands-free, ear device. Could it be that these are the same people I reach for tech support? It’s the perfect way to make extra money while working another job. Something to think about.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PAZZ JICKLES: My offering from the archival sewer tunnels today is from 1996. I like this gag because it takes a moment to compute. If you’re having trouble with it, just play the old “what’s different about these two pictures” game.

 

Toothy

bz panel 07-10-13bz strip 07-10-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Our Lady of the Melons.

Here’s a bit of super-secret backstage gossip about this cartoon: I have some friends named John and Fiona and he’s a lawyer. I didn’t say the super-secret backstage gossip would be interesting.

Anyway, this is my covert way of finding out if my friends read my comics. If neither John nor Fiona say anything about this in the next few days, they’re off my Festivus list for good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today’s classic (older than today) Bizarro cartoon is also about lawyers, or rather about what lawyers and judges will sound like if current trends in elocution continue.

bz print 03-18-04 courtroom

Elderly Underwear Surgeon Evolution Cat Foot

 

Bizarro is brought to you today by Tiny Pediatrician.

I had a good week in my personal life in that after over a year of living in LA, I finally screwed up the courage to go to the DMV and get my motorcycle and car driver’s licenses, and register my motorcycle in California. She now has a California plate and she couldn’t be more proud. Even more importantly, I don’t have to look over my shoulder constantly for the fuzz. Anyone want to start a bidding war over my old New York State motorcycle plate? I can sign it and draw a self portrait on it!

My first cartoon this week was this one about old age. I’m not anywhere near that age yet, but at the exponentially accelerating rate that time flies, we all will be by this time next week. Seemingly. As my dad says, “Old age ain’t for sissies.”

 

 

 

 

Most regular readers know that I’m a big fan of cartoons about the Old West. Here’s one now. It is completely fictional but perhaps it really happened and was the origin of the first gay bar in the U.S.  Stranger things have happened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On to the operating theater, this winsome bit of wordplay comes from my good buddy, Cliff Harris, The King of Wordplay. He’s also a retired doctor, but it had nothing to do with a situation like this. Or so he assures me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s a fun little ditty about a whale. The punch line is pretty self-explanatory, but if you still find yourself out to sea, check out the little evolving fish in the bottom corner. I heard that one or two of my animal-rights friends thought this gag was somehow insensitive to the plight of whales. This isn’t a real whale, nor is anyone with an I.Q. high enough to find their way to a beach going to assume a beached whale is trying to evolve. Lighten up, people. This is why folks tend to think of us as humorless boobs. (Most of us are not. Honestly.) Here’s another beached whale cartoon from my past that is one of my favorite gags in recent years. I call it “Californian’s Nightmare.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you’re not familiar with the acronym, “W.W.J.D.” it means, “What would Jesus do?” You can buy tons of products with this slogan on them, including bracelets. I suppose it was popularized to get teens to feel guilty about sex. I suppose it works from time to time but it would work a hell of a lot better if (god?) hadn’t instilled in us such a powerful and overwhelming desire to spread our genetic info.

 

 

 

 

 

Our last cartoon of the week (except for my Sunday cartoon, which will appear in the next post) is about good ole Fred Flintstone, who used to stop his car by dragging his feet. Woe was he.

Until tomorrow, stay crunchy, Jazz Pickles.

 

Bitter Pachyderm Philtrum Swashbuckling Drinker Teen Whale

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bizarro is brought to you today by Time Magazine.

“If you’re only reading the cartoons on BizarroBlog, you’re missing most of Piraro’s genius.”––Time Magazine

Okay, that never appeared in Time Magazine. But from some of the comments that readers make, I know that plenty of people are only scanning the cartoons briefly and skipping all of this delicious text that I pour so much of my heart and soul into. So I thought maybe a phony quote would encourage them to read on. Am I a bad man? Yes, but it has nothing to do with that phony quote.

The first cartoon in today’s post should have been published right before the recent U.S. prez election, but my schedule didn’t work out that way so I changed the caption a bit and made it work afterward. That’s an inside trade secret, so keep it to yourself.

Judging by the emails I got, the elephant cartoon was popular with a lot of readers. I love to draw elephants; they have unique anatomy and facial qualities that make them very expressive. This guy looks a bit forlorn that nobody will acknowledge that he was in the room. Who can blame him? (I also despise the kind of cruelty they routinely undergo at the hands of humans. These magnificent beings do not belong in our zoos or circuses.)

The next cartoon about “Jon” can be a bit of a brain teaser. If you click on it, it will enlarge the image and you’ll see that those are actually ants on his upper lip. If you don’t get the joke, say the caption out loud a few times in a row, without thinking of the picture. In fact, think of an elephant. (This won’t help you get the joke, but elephants are fun to think about.)

Regarding the Zorro gag, I got an email from a reader who pointed out that I had drawn Zorro wrong––everyone knows he was right-handed. Okay, you caught me. I’m zorry. (Yes!)

If you’re viewing this blog from a country that has banned Zorro and so you don’t get this gag, he always scratched his signature, a large, flashy, (gay?) “Z” at the scene of one of his adventures.

A friend of mine in LA, Richard Dean Starr, is a writer and editor of note who has done a good deal of work on the Zorro oeuvre over the years. His Facebook image is of Zorro, in fact, so I’m hoping he saw this cartoon and liked it. Drop by his page and tell him about it.

Our next cartoon is the sort that sometimes attracts hate mail from well-meaning readers who want to protect the disabled. I rarely get angry mail from disabled people themselves –– they most often thank me for jokes like this and tell me if it weren’t for a sense of humor about their situation, they’d never make it through the day. I didn’t get any mail from blind people about this one, positive or negative. Maybe they didn’t see it. (Direct your angry comments about my previous comment  to the comments section of this post.)

I love gags about therapy and I’ve done a million of them. But this one really breaks my heart. This poor teenaged girl is not into vampires and so she has no way to relate to the other girls her age. It’s like being six and not into princesses or horses. Or being 40 and not into tranquilizers and extramarital affairs. You have no chance to relate to your peers.

Last on today’s roster is my Sunday comic from this week, which features a collaborative effort with my good buddy and talented colleague, Dan McConnell. If you’ve never heard of the “Lassie” series of books, TV shows, and movies, you’re not missing much but you might miss the point of this gag. The deal is that Lassie was a super-genius collie who followed around a curious little idiot boy named Timmy. Timmy was a typical boy in that he was always getting his head stuck under an abandoned car in a ditch just as the water began to rise, or getting his leg trapped in an abandoned mine as the walls crumbled around him, or, yes, falling down a well. If it weren’t for Lassie’s uncanny ability to bark out commands to Timmy’s guardians and government officials, Timmy would have been dead by age 3. In this cartoon, however, Lassie’s bark diction is wanting and Timmy’s dad or uncle or probation officer or whatever is confused. Poor Timmy. By now he sleeps with the fishes.

I hope you enjoyed this stupid thing I do for a living. If you did, grab a few of my books as holiday gifts or just for yourself. I don’t make a penny off these damn blog posts, you know.