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Moody Warning Congrats Burial

bz panel 03-27-14bz panel 03-28-14bz strip 03-28-14bz panel 03-29-14bz strip 03-29-14(To enlargenate any comic, click on any character’s nose.)

 

Bizarro is brought to you today by Learn to Count!

I got an angry comment from a reader about this Hulk cartoon, accusing me of “perpetuating stigma about mental illness.” I apologized for upsetting her but pointed out that the absurdity of this cartoon is enough to prevent people from taking it seriously enough to form opinions about sufferers of bipolar disorder. I’ve several friends and family members with this disorder and I’ve suffered from severe depression my entire adult life (controlled now by meds) so I fully understand both the seriousness and the stigma. If anyone else was offended, please don’t turn green and bust out of your clothes over it.

 

 

 

 

When this gag about dogs and cats came to me, I couldn’t believe there weren’t already commercially-available signs like this for cats, but after consulting the Google God, I came up empty handed. Here’s a chance for some of you entrepreneurial types.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wrote this gag about pro wrestlers out of my continued amazement at how many fans this sport has who still believe it is a “real” sport. People can be so strange. I included the strip version so you could have a gander at The Periwinkle Badger, my personal favorite “wrestler”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

bz 09-06-96 psychic funeralWEB

 

BIZARRO BOOMERANG: This charming cartoon from 1996 is very dark, I admit. For the record, I’m not a big believer in psychic abilities but I don’t wish people dead who are. There is always some chance that the human brain is capable of more things than we can readily understand, but one thing that is absolutely certain is that there are many thousands of charlatans all over the planet who bilk believers out of money with simple psychological tricks.

 

Wax Me Please

Bizarro 11-03-13 WEB Bizarro 11-03-13 hedr

 

 

 

 

 

 

(For bigger enjoyment, click the cat’s mustache.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Lip Mustache.

As I mentioned a few days ago, I’ve agreed to promote the Movember movement in my cartoons this month. This cartoon appears as part of that whole deal, which is a global effort to alert men to health issues like prostate and testicular happiness by asking men to grow mustaches this month. A thinking person might well ask how that promotes men’s health issues and here’s how––you start growing a righteous mustache and your friends, relatives, and co-workers ask, “Dude, what’s with that crap on your lip? Are you auditioning for a porn film?” And then you tell them to get their ass and balls checked by a physician. It’s just that easy.

On a more pleasant subject, I’m very happy with the artwork on both this cartoon and the accompanying title panel, so I’m going to pat myself on the back. I supersuperlove the drawing of the monkey, which is a self-portrait, of course. The cat would be, too, if it were wearing a hat. Sadly, that’s actually how most people recognize me, even my friends.  On more than one occasion, I’ve actually walked into a party without my hat and seen people who know me well look puzzled, then turn away. When I approach them they say they weren’t sure it was me. WTF?

Part of my involvement with the MoFolks is to post pics of myself with various mustachery incarnations. Here’s a little number I call “Asymmetrical Symphony.” DoubleMustachePosterizedPeople often ask me how I get my mustache to stand up in points or curls or whatever and I tell them it is done with mustache wax. I am surprised by how few people have ever heard of such a thing. It’s been around for centuries, of course, and is coming back into vogue now that men are beginning to grow mustaches again, especially the long, crazy kind. Thanks to the inherent creepiness of the fashions of the 1970s, most men abandoned lip adornment decades ago. I’m happy to see it coming back.

 

Out of the Bag

bz panel 10-09-13bz strip 10-09-13Bizarro is brought to you today by President Garfield.

I think there is one thing we can all agree on: alcoholic cats are hysterical. I especially like the ones that hang around outside liquor stores asking people to buy them booze. I’ve never done it, mind you, because I believe that providing non-human animals, or humans not of legal age with alcohol is wrong. Of course, the best thing about alcoholic cats is that if it kills them, you still have a few lives left to get them some help. There are many excellent cat rehab facilities in the U.S., as we have learned from the well-publicized case of Garfield and his battles against substance abuse. Inside sources say that Garfield is down to his ninth life, however, and is still boozing it up pretty heavily. I’m not proud of it, but I look forward to the day when he is put out of my misery.

 

 

 

 

 

JAZZ PICKLE JAR: This cartoon from 1995 seems an appropriate addition to this post because…(anyone? anyone? Beuller?)… they both are about a cat. You may recognize the text in this cartoon as it was expanded upon by some anonymous person and sent around the web and email world a billion times. Someone even made a really awful video based on it. Just for the record, the cat diary was MY idea. That is all.Bz CAT DIARY 1995 WEB

Omnibus Bizarro

bz panel 05-07-13Bizarro is brought to you by My New Desktop Image.

I’ve been so busy this week that I have neglected my blog. I have brought shame upon my entire village. I know that I can never adequately compensate my dozen-or-so readers who have searched in vain for a new Bizarro cartoon all week, but I can, at least, rectify the situation by posting the week’s adventures here and now.

 

1. This cartoon is about a standard and traditional cartoon element, the thought balloon. If you don’t get it, form a similar bumpy bubble above your own head and fill it with the words, “What’s wrong with me?”bz panel 05-08-13

 

 

 

 

2. My own recent experiences with so-called “support” payments as the result of a divorce led me to this simple wordplay. The artwork the lawyer has hanging on the wall of his office is symbolic. I will leave you to determine of what.bz panel 05-09-13

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. My lovely colleague and friend, Dan McConnell came up with this jolly bit of wordplay. He’s a funny guy and not “funny” in the way that a neighbor “was acting funny so I thought I’d call the police” and turns out to have an apartment full of explosives,  just funny in the harmless, cartoonist way. bz panel 05-10-13

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. There are two kinds of artists in the world: those who enjoy drawing super-high-tech, realistic, sci-fi robots, and those who enjoy drawing corny, old-school, clunky robots. That’s right, I am the former. The thoroughly-researched, high-tech, futuristic robots featured in this cartoon will be the living nightmare of all who dare to stand in their way in the cyborg-controlled future of 2020. You have been warned.bz panel 05-11-13

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. My last bit of buckshot this week is this dandy little bamboo bar cartoon about the panda who needs a good, stiff stalk. And then some.

My known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh concocted this notion. He says some informative and amusing things about this bambooholic here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thoughtful Companions

bz panel 05-06-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Super Powers.

I recently saw a short video of a so-called “pet pychic” visiting an animal sanctuary, and it inspired this cartoon. As Penn and Teller have been telling us for decades, there is no such thing as magic. The human mind is constructed in such a way that it can be made to believe almost anything with a little misdirection. Psychics of all kinds have played on this trait since human societies first formed, as have con men, magicians, evangelists, mediums, astrologers, wizards, etc.

You’re welcome to buy into these kinds of fantasies if you like––most of us enjoy believing in magic*––but I’ve found that the real universe is plenty fascinating enough and full of and endless supply of incomprehensible wonder to keep my brain inspired. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy magic acts; I do. I’m not keen, however, on people who charge others to tell them what their pets are thinking. It’s fraud and it’s not even clever. How could you possibly be proven wrong?

I, on the other hand, actually do have a supernatural skill, and that is reading the thoughts of your furniture. If you’re interested in your furniture’s opinion about your lounging habits, or where it would rather be in a room, I can tell you all you need to know from a simple photo of your home. It’s pricey, but your furniture deserves your attention. For an appointment, call 1-800-IWillBelieveJustAboutAnything.

*Zodiac, miracles, psychic abilities, visions, premonitions, religion, prophetic dreams, fate, etc.

Elderly Underwear Surgeon Evolution Cat Foot

 

Bizarro is brought to you today by Tiny Pediatrician.

I had a good week in my personal life in that after over a year of living in LA, I finally screwed up the courage to go to the DMV and get my motorcycle and car driver’s licenses, and register my motorcycle in California. She now has a California plate and she couldn’t be more proud. Even more importantly, I don’t have to look over my shoulder constantly for the fuzz. Anyone want to start a bidding war over my old New York State motorcycle plate? I can sign it and draw a self portrait on it!

My first cartoon this week was this one about old age. I’m not anywhere near that age yet, but at the exponentially accelerating rate that time flies, we all will be by this time next week. Seemingly. As my dad says, “Old age ain’t for sissies.”

 

 

 

 

Most regular readers know that I’m a big fan of cartoons about the Old West. Here’s one now. It is completely fictional but perhaps it really happened and was the origin of the first gay bar in the U.S.  Stranger things have happened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On to the operating theater, this winsome bit of wordplay comes from my good buddy, Cliff Harris, The King of Wordplay. He’s also a retired doctor, but it had nothing to do with a situation like this. Or so he assures me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s a fun little ditty about a whale. The punch line is pretty self-explanatory, but if you still find yourself out to sea, check out the little evolving fish in the bottom corner. I heard that one or two of my animal-rights friends thought this gag was somehow insensitive to the plight of whales. This isn’t a real whale, nor is anyone with an I.Q. high enough to find their way to a beach going to assume a beached whale is trying to evolve. Lighten up, people. This is why folks tend to think of us as humorless boobs. (Most of us are not. Honestly.) Here’s another beached whale cartoon from my past that is one of my favorite gags in recent years. I call it “Californian’s Nightmare.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you’re not familiar with the acronym, “W.W.J.D.” it means, “What would Jesus do?” You can buy tons of products with this slogan on them, including bracelets. I suppose it was popularized to get teens to feel guilty about sex. I suppose it works from time to time but it would work a hell of a lot better if (god?) hadn’t instilled in us such a powerful and overwhelming desire to spread our genetic info.

 

 

 

 

 

Our last cartoon of the week (except for my Sunday cartoon, which will appear in the next post) is about good ole Fred Flintstone, who used to stop his car by dragging his feet. Woe was he.

Until tomorrow, stay crunchy, Jazz Pickles.

 

Mao Dummy Alien Cat Pee God Santa Nixon Crook

 

(To see this cartoon as big as China, click on Mao’s third button.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Hover Cats.

I’ve been away for a while visiting my hometown of Tulsa, Oklahoma. I was asked to deliver the commencement address at their midterm graduation and had a ball doing it. As many times as I have spoken and performed in public, I was pretty nervous. Big crowd, lots of big brains, funny outfits, a giant basketball scoreboard with a live video feed of me talking hanging over the center of the room right in front of me. To top it all off, I couldn’t see my notes so I had to mostly wing it. I guess it went okay.

I love this Mao joke, which was the idea of my colleague, Dan McConnell. Some folks won’t get it so here’s the quick summary explanation: Mao had a Little Red Book that everyone in China was “encouraged” to read. The punch line of this cartoon is the cover of the book, which says “LMAO,” which, if you’re over a certain age, you might not know is a common text abbreviation for “laughed my ass off.” Instead of just featuring Mao with the book, I decided to go hog-ass wild and create an entire propaganda poster. It was a daunting undertaking but I had a ton of fun creating it. I’ve always loved those posters; here is the one I mostly based this one on.

Lots of people wrote to me to say they liked this crash test dummy gag. Crash test dummies are a perpetually rich vein of humor. I’ve got another good one coming up on Sunday, January 13. Here’s one I did in ’07.

 

 

 

 

 

Up next is a Martian playing fetch with the Mars rover. That sucker is a pain to draw, I can tell you. The strangest thing about this cartoon is that apparently both the Martian and the rover speak English. Veteran Jazz Pickles will notice that the Martian looks a bit like the alien I drop into the background of my cartoons. (See the upper left corner of the crash test dummy cartoon above.)

 

 

And now a cat joke about the legendary nine lives of cats. Cute gag, but nothing much to say about it other than that I think I did a good job with the expressions and body language of the cats. I try to put a lot into this kind of detail with the blind faith that there are readers out there who notice and appreciate things like that.

 

 

 

This “Exit Poll” gag is a favorite of mine. I love the dry aspect of the humor and also the odd fact that if the man’s response had been “Number two,” it likely would have been refused by some of my client newspapers. People are funny. Incidentally, I’m not a big fan of “potty” humor but this one makes me chuckle.

My next gag, featuring James Cromwell as god, is from my good friend and known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh. I love this gag because it cleverly lampoons the fact that so many people attribute their successes and aspirations to divine intervention. When I hear a football player or a Grammy winner thank god for their victory I always wonder if the losers in the same contest were not smart enough to pray for a win, or if god just didn’t like them as well as the one who won. The most absurd application of this phenomenon is politicians who claim god told them to run for office. Those candidates virtually never win (because most voters sense they are delusional) which means one of two things: there is no god, or god convinced them to run for office to give them a dose of much needed humility.

When I submitted this cartoon about Craig Newmark, the founder of Craigslist, there was some question among the editors at King Features if any of my client newspapers would reject it because of the word “crap.” Yes, some Americans can be that childish sometimes. I am happy to report, however, that none did and we didn’t hear a peep of complaint. I love (idiotic) hate mail so I was a little disappointed but I did find it encouraging.

My penultimate gag of this Komedy Kartoon Kavalcade is this dandy little scene of two turkeys talking in heaven. If you’re not familiar with the U.S. tradition of our president pardoning a turkey each Thanksgiving (started by Abraham Lincoln), you will have been mystified by this gag. And if you don’t remember your U.S. history, Richard Nixon was very famously pardoned by incoming sock-puppet president, Gerald Ford, after he was forced to resign from office because of criminal activity. Richard Nixon is also famous for being one of the most easily caricatured persons in the history of the human race. Still, I’m proud of the caricature I created since it’s not something I’ve practiced much.

Lastly, another cartoon collaboration with Wayno. I thought this joke was fun because I have a striped shirt like this that I wear fairly often. I’m not a pirate, Frenchman, burglar, or mime, but it is a replica of a shirt that Pablo Picasso was fond of wearing, so I wear it when I want to pretend I’m him. Here is what Wayno has to say about it.

That’s it for now. I’ve enjoyed spending these few minutes with you. Also, I like what you’ve done with your hair.

Cat Blood Sandwich

Bizarro is brought to you today by Pride.

In a couple hours I’m off on my mini comedy tour of northern California and Portland, Oregon. I hope it goes well, I hope I see some of you Jazz Pickles at the shows, I hope I find a bag of untraceable money that no one will ever know I have. That would be the perfect trip.

When I say “mini comedy tour,” I mean that the tour is mini, not the comedy. The comedy is HUGE. It barely fits in my checked luggage, in fact.

Someone asked me recently why those toothpicks with the celophane feathers are in sandwiches. This first cartoon is the image that resulted.

This political campaign cartoon seems just right as lots of candidates are on the road kissing babies these days. If Mitt Romney kisses your kid and then it comes down with a cold, feel free to sue him. I’ve heard he has a lot of money. This cartoon came from my known associate, Wayno. Here are some words that he put together to describe our collaboration.

If you’re lucky enough to have type O blood, you can use this pun next time you’re at the doctor or donating to a vampire food bank. O negative blood type is sometimes called “universal donor” because doctors working in Area 51 back in the 1950s used it to save that alien they captured from that crashed UFO. I can’t say for sure that that is true, but I bet it is.

Gotta pack now. I’ll try to blog in the coming days, but if I don’t, please don’t hate me. I live for the approval of strangers.

 

Feline Herp Loser Wrinkles

Bizarro is brought to you today by Runaway Wiener.

I got a question or two about about this cat/dog cartoon. One person wondered if the gag was that the woman is seeing a cat doctor. People who live with cats, however, will likely immediately understand that this is a depiction of a cat who is so pompous that he only sees his caregiver by appointment. Hahahahahahahahaha. (I’ve lived with many cats.)

 

I heard from another regular reader who didn’t understand this mime cartoon. If you are in this category, you are likely thinking too hard. The simple reasoning here is that a mime needs arms and legs to mime. Snakes do not possess these otherwise common appendages. Hahahahahaha. (I have never lived with snakes but I’ve seen pictures that support this assertion.)

 

I have not heard from anyone who does not get this cartoon. If you are that person, call me immediately at 202-456-1111 and I will endeavor to enlighten you.

 

 

 

 

 

When I drew this cartoon, I had no idea there actually is a FaceLiftBook. And apparently, it’s just what I said it is in this cartoon, which I assumed was fictional. I wish FaceLiftBook had something I wanted so I could ask for a freebie in exchange for the free advertising.

Are you going to any of my upcoming comedy shows? If the answer is “no,” change that answer!

San Francisco shows.    Mill Valley show.    Portland show.

Cat and Sasquatch

Bizarro is brought to you today by I’m in a Big Rush to Get Everything Done Before I Leave Town in the Morning.

Like the title says, I’m in a big rush. So no clever talk or fancy-pants links to funny pictures. Just two cartoons. If I have time, I’ll make some more posts and schedule them to come out in the subsequent days.

Geez, I’m stressed, but whatever. It’ll all get done somehow.

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