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Cluck Brag Kiss Shout

bz panel 11-10-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Food Discrimination.

Here’s a lovely pastoral view of a truly free-range chicken farm where some of its residents are planning a vacation. It is nothing like where real chickens come from.

 

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I’ve been giving a lot of thought recently about the important things in life and have decided that the amount of money and “things” you have isn’t one of them.

 

 

 

 

This idea from my good friend, Cliff Harris the King of Wordplay is a bit dated, but only if you don’t know jack-shit about history. Henry Kissinger was once one of the most powerful people in the world. Now he’s relegated to a carnival midway booth, which is both deep and funny, if you look at it a certain way.

BYGONE BIZARRO: Here’s a fun one from 2000bizarro 09-01-00WEB. If you’ve ever been in a recording studio, you’ll find this hilarious.

Stomp Break Fall Stink

bz panel 09-25-14bz strip 09-25-14bz panel 09-26-14bz strip 09-26-14bz panel 09-27-14bz strip 09-27-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Scary Baby Man.

 

My clever friend in Germany, Michael Roth, had the idea that Ant-Man’s archenemy might be a guy with a big shoe to step on him. I added the picnic basket to drive home the point, as everyone knows that picnics attract ants.

The strip version of this one is turned sideways because I wanted readers to be able to see the entire image, but to shrink it down and place it vertically, as I normally would, would make it too small. I’ve done this a few other times, too, but not often. Here’s one now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The idea of breaking up with someone in public to avoid a scene is common, but I thought this was a new twist on it. After drawing it, I added the twist of her being into the waitress, instead of the waiter, because humor is often found in surprise. Saucy!  (Personally, I’d never break up with someone in public. Not only is it cruel to attempt to handcuff a person’s emotions in that way, but you’re just begging for them to cause a big scene to teach you a lesson.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The ancient philosophical question, “If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?” has been used in comics many times, but I thought this one seemed fun enough to revisit the motif. Plus, it’s the first time (that I can think of) that my Bizarro Bunny has had a speaking role in one of my cartoons.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BIZARROLD: Here’s another fun take on another fun saying about the forest. BearShitsWoodsBizarroThis one is from last year.

 

 

Puke Snooze Drink Puke

bz panel 09-01-14bz strip 09-01-14bz panel 09-02-14bz strip 09-02-14bz panel 09-03-14bz strip 09-03-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Abe and Friends.

Since I was a child I’ve been fascinated by the fact that some animals feed their young by eating something, then regurgitating it into their mouth. First, let me say how happy I am that humans are not among the species with this charming habit, and secondly, perhaps we should be. Some babies have difficulty digesting certain kinds of foods and perhaps a little pre-digestion would be a good thing. If anyone decides to try this with their own baby, let me know how it turns out, and remember that I am not a doctor nor even a particularly well-educated person so don’t blame me if your baby is irreparably damaged by this experiment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As long as I’m helping raise other people’s kids, why not try turning your child’s life completely over to the Internet like this fine fellow? It’s going to happen eventually anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Lincoln gag is one of my favorites in a long time. I have my buddy, Cliff Harris The King Of Wordplay to thank for it. I wish I was this clever, but, alas, I guess I’m not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BYGONE BIZARRO: Just so you don’t think I’m not clever at all, here’s one of my favorite gags from my archives that deals with the baby-food-puke issue. Bon Appétit! Bz BirdPuke 10-05-07 SM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cannibal Ghost Superman Dinner

bz panel 08-11-14bz strip 08-11-14bz panel 08-12-14bz strip 08-12-14bz panel 08-13-14bz strip 08-13-14

Bizarro is brought to you today by Gourmet Dining.

If you haven’t visited a KwikKannibal recently, you should. They have a new sausage sandwich that is filled with ground lips, ears, and nostrils––not the usual penis-on-a-bun that these kinds of places typically have. I recommend it.

My good buddy Cliff The King Of Wordplay came up with this delightful pun and I am pleased to present it to you today. I hope it made you giggle. Buy a print of this cartoon here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And here’s a fun take on ghosts from my friend Michael Roth, who lives in Germany where ghosts are much more common than here in Los Angeles, where I live. And many of them are wrinkly, evidently. Buy a print of this cartoon here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not sure if this gag works the way I wanted it to. It was supposed to be about Superman as a kid, using his ability to fly to catch wild ducks for dinner. Now that I see it again, I’m not sure it’s any good. The good news is that I just submitted a different Superman gag that I think is really good. It will appear in papers on September 6, so keep your eye(s) peeled. Buy a print of this cartoon here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pazz Jickles: And now, Jazz Pickles, feast your eyes on this cannibal gag from 2001 in which everyone’s favorite celeb meets her doom. bz 06-15-01 MarthaWEBOr does she?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chomp Stroll Eat Naked

Bizarro 06-01-14 HedrBizarro 06-01-14 WEBbz panel 05-29-14 bz strip 05-29-14bz panel 05-30-14bz strip 05-30-14bz panel 05-31-14bz strip 05-31-14(For a bigger, more better experience, click on any image to enbiggen it.)

Bizarro is brought to you by Who Wouldn’t Want This Done To Their Mouth?

This week was kookoobananas and left me without time to keep up with my blog posts. So here now, are all the cartoons from Wednesday until today.

Since it’s Sunday, we’ll start with today’s. This delightful image of a couple of popular TV characters being devoured by Tyrannosaurus children was a collaboration with my good buddy, Cliff The King Of Wordplay. This one isn’t really about wordplay, showing that Cliff is equally gifted in other areas. (And I’m not just talking about his prolific career as a go-go dancer.)

 

 

 

Wednesday’s cartoon was a collaboration with another good buddy and my known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh. He came up with the idea for a sign like this one and the two of us kicked it back and forth until we found a fun way to use it. Some of you may not know that pirates didn’t leave their plank up all the time because it made it difficult to park in tight spaces. Wayno discusses some of the earlier versions here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love this “Revenge Diner” cartoon because it requires a little effort from the reader to put it together. If you were not able to figure this one out, it is very likely that you’ve never heard the famous phrase, “Revenge is a dish best served cold.” The origins of this phrase are unknown but you can read a bit about it here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And finally, we have this little ditty that features cattle musing over why they are so poorly treated by we humans.

Tattoo Find Funny Age Gumby

bz panel 03-08-14bz strip 03-08-14Bizarro is brought to you today by a Prison For Bearded Children.

We start this post with last Saturday’s cartoon, which I have not posted yet because I was on a secret CIA mission to the moon. It was lovely up there but I was almost killed by secret agents from somewhere in the Andromeda galazy. Damn, it’s exciting being a cartoonist.

 

Starting with the wedding cartoon, I will say that I’ve been involved in far too many weddings. Always as the groom, never as a best man. If you’re like me, one of the many sickening things that occurs to you when you’re going through a divorce is how embarrassing it is that you had so many friends and relatives spend their time and money on a trip to your public declaration that you’ve found the right person and your love is special, then having them find out later that your marriage was no more special than the average third date. Bummer, dude. My most recent bride had a lot of tattoos, but that wasn’t the impetus for this cartoon, nor the reason for our divorce.bz panel 03-10-14bz strip 03-10-14

 

Monday’s cartoon is about an archeological dig in which one man found something important. Something quite like this happened to me twice in the nearly ten years that I was married to the aforementioned tattooed lady. I lost my wedding ring on two separate occasions and found it later both times. The first was in the pool beneath a waterfall in Hawaii, of all places. It slipped off my finger in the deluge of water pounding down into the pool and I immediately reached down to try to find it. There was nothing but potato-sized, round rocks beneath me. I searched and searched, blindly feeling around beneath me for several minutes to no avail. I called the tattooed lady over and said, “I just lost my wedding ring! I’m going to go back to the car and get my snorkel mask and see if I can find it. Stand right here to mark the spot until I get back!” She did, then as I was wading out of the pool, she stooped down, put her hand among the rocks and found it. I erroneously took it as a sign that our marriage would last forever. The second time was less interesting because it happened in our own apartment, but the ring was missing for over a year before found again. That time I did not take it as a sign because our marriage was by that time, seriously on the rocks. (pun intended)bz panel 03-11-14

 

Tuesday’s cartoon is about the ponderous mystery behind The New Yorker’s cartoon editing process. In my business, it’s pretty hard to spit without hitting a colleague who has wasted years of their life submitting cartoons to NYer magazine, with no success. When you look through any given edition, however, you see a few brilliant efforts and a lot of amazingly mediocre nothings that leads one to wonder how they go about choosing cartoons for publication. I do not know the answer, but I’m guessing a chimp and a dartboard are involved. I’m happy to say I’ve never submitted to New Yorker because I’ve never felt that what my life was missing was more disappointment.bz panel 03-12-14

 

 

 

 

Today’s cartoon is about disappointment of a different kind and comes from my dear friend, Cliff Harris The King Of Wordplay. Here we see two citizens who are both excluded from enjoying a particular TV program because of their age. The dog might enjoy it, though.

 

 

 

 

bz 11-08-96 gumbyREZARRO: Today’s ancient cartoon from the archeology wing of Bizarro Interenational Headquarters is from 1996. If you don’t know who Gumby and Pokey is, you’ve got some googling to do, amigo.

Shrinks, Nuts, Crooks, Tramps, Cons

bz panel 02-10-14bz panel 02-11-14bz panel 02-12-14bz panel 02-13-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Strange Fetish.

 

As is often the case, my Monday and Tuesday were too busy with Bizarro deadlines for me to post, then I got arrested on Wednesday and was still unable to post, but now I’m out on bail so here at long last are Mon’s, Tues’s, Wed’s and Thurs’s cartoons from this week.

Monday’s is about something that most couples experience at some point. I’ve been to couples therapy with three different women in my life and all three relationships ended shortly thereafter. In my cases, the therapy was an effort to save something that was already gone. In one case, and it was more-or-less the impetus for this gag, my wife and our female therapist spent all of their time agreeing with each other and telling me I just needed to forgive her. To add insult to injury, I was the one paying for the therapist. I don’t recommend her.

 

 

I got a fair amount of responses from people on the Grape-Nuts gag; it seemed to resonate with readers in some unexpected ways. Check out this adorable story. For my Jazz Pickles in foreign countries who may not be familiar with the product, it is a breakfast cereal that’s been around for over a hundred years and contains neither grapes nor nuts. This pun on the well-known quote from Shakespeare’s “Twelfth Night” is the brainchild of my good friend Cliff Harris the King of Wordplay. (For those of you in the know, Cliff was able to get the piano for his son. Yay!)

 

 

 

 

Wednesday’s cartoon is about an American TV show that has been widely touted as the best TV drama of all time. I concur but there’s no doubt it is at least in the top five. If you’ve not seen the entire series, this joke will evade you. If that is the case, it’s not worth explaining, so just move on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thursday’s cartoon is perhaps a little trite. The old “don’t try this at home” punch line has been used to death but for some reason I thought this version of a bum sleeping on a public bench was amusing enough to draw. I’m not so sure now, however. Oh well, at least we get a nice shot of Bunny’s Pie Repair in the background and that dashing man in the foreground with his Bizarro Jazz Pickle button.

 

 

 

 

bz 06-02-98 titanicWEBVintage Pickling: Today’s ancient relic is from 1998. I remember seeing an ad for a submarine tour of the Titanic, just like the one in the cartoon and for the same price. Being the entrepreneurial type that I am, I immediately thought of an alternative, more affordable way to visit the wreckage. To date, I’ve only actually sold a handful of these travel packages.

Rare Humorous Art Sale

JAZZ PICKLES: ONLY A FEW HOURS LEFT TO IMPROVE YOUR LIFE AND THE LIVES OF THOSE LESS FORTUNATE THAN YOURSELF!

My good friend and frequent collaborator, Cliff Harris the King of Wordplay, is selling four of his prized possessions––original art panels from Bizarro which I gave him in return for his humorous efforts therein––in order to buy a piano for his young, very talented son.*

Cliff works as a shoeshine boy in a coal mine for 18 cents per week. He can’t even afford patches for the knees of his homemade, burlap trousers, much less a piano. So he’s resorting to selling some original art I gave him so that his own child may have a better life than he has. Poor Cliff. Poor unfortunate child of Cliff.  Will their suffering ever end?**

You can help ease their misery by bidding on one of these pieces of rare, one-of-a-kind (another way of saying rare!) cartoon art. Once you hang one or more of these babies in your house, your social standing will skyrocket so fast it will make your socks damp. Do it now, before the president comes to dinner at your house and wonders why you don’t have any fine art on the walls.

Go here to see the art and bid on the piece(s) that rock(s) your trailer home the hardest.

Each piece comes with my personal guarantee: If you’re not 100% satisfied with your purchase, you can give it to someone else.

*Totally true

**May not be totally true

miner&son1947

 

Royal Blood

bz panel 01-27-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Flotation Device.

Today’s gag is dry and subtle but I like dry, subtle gags and so do many of you Jazz Pickles so I proudly present it to you here. The idea is from my good friend, Cliff Harris, the King of Wordplay. Puns are often thought to be lowbrow and easy, but truly surprising puns that the reader would likely not have thought of themselves are a delight that usually result in a chuckle. My job here is done.bz 10-22-95 MorguePricesWEB

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BIZARRCHIVES: I came across this relic from 1995 in the archives this morning and was delighted. It’s always been one of my favorite gags but I’d forgotten all about it. I hope you like it as much as I do.

 

TWO DAYS LEFT to nab a piece of scrumptious Bizarro original art. Check it out here!

THREE DAYS LEFT to nab a Bizarro Jazz Pickle pride shirt! This design will not be offered again!

 

Uncommon Tuts

bz panel 01-09-14bz strip 01-09-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Modern Convenience!

If you have trouble remembering spelling rules, imagine what it must have been like for the ancient Egyptians and their funny-picture-writing thing. (Why isn’t there a word for that?)

I confess that I used an old piece of art for this cartoon, which is something many syndicated cartoonists do all of the time but rarely admit. I don’t like to admit it, either, but I figure what the hell? This image was perfect for this gag, why redraw it slightly differently when I can save my time for more important things like repainting my hot air balloon to look like Darth Vader?

I’m quite fond of the gag from the original cartoon, as well, so I offer it to you here.

 

 

 

BYGONE BIZARRO: Since we’re talking about spelling, here is a related gag from a couple of years ago that was the brainchild of my good buddy, Cliff Harris the King of Wordplay. I hope this journey into the history of our Egyptian neighbors has amused you in some way.bz 10-22-12 egyptWEB

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