No Good Dogs

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(To experience these cartoons with embiggenation, click any blueish color in an image.)Bizarro 01-24-16 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Con Artists.

Dogs are experts of human psychology. They wheedled their way into our families tens of thousands of years ago by convincing us that they understand what we are saying, what is important to us, and how we live. When we are present, they are model citizens and can easily distinguish between your new Prada shoes and a shoe-shaped chew toy. But somehow, as soon as we are gone, they forget which is which and chew the Prada into a shape that is useless to the human foot. You may find pieces of it in a different form out in the yard the next day, but like Humpty Dumpty, there’s no putting it back together again. When confronted with this crime, your dog looks as guilty as O.J. did in his Bronco during the infamous slow-speed chase. This would seem to indicate that your dog knows they’ve done something wrong. But here’s where it gets wonky: if you accuse them of something they didn’t do, in fact, could not have done, like forget to pay your Internet provider and now your wifi has been shut off, they’ll look just as guilty. Do they understand culpability, or do they simply know that when you’re angry, looking “guilty” will garner them some leniency?
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Sinking

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(Wanna see it more embiggenated? Click the cartoon with the pointy hand deal.)Bizarro 11-01-15 clr WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Unusual Things To Do With Children.

When I lived in NYC I used to occasionally enjoy watching people playing with miniature boats in the big pond in Central Park. May I assume you will not be surprised to discover that it was the inspiration for this cartoon? I’m glad that a hurricane hasn’t hit somewhere this week and killed tons of people, otherwise folks would be all up in my grill about making fun of tragedy too soon, not realizing I submitted this cartoon for publication weeks ago. Here are a few fun things in the background of this pic that you might not be able to see even in the embiggenated view: The white sign just right of center says, “Zoo, Pool, Thugs, Vermin”: The food cart in the far background on the left is selling “Fried Vermin”: On the park bench in the center is a woman with a bird head: The pigeon in the right foreground corner is standing on my signature. Other than that, there are also 10 “secret symbols,” as the small number above my signature implies. If you’re not aware of the secret symbols, check out this link here, but keep it to yourself or they won’t be secret anymore.
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Quintuple Cavalcade of Comedy

Bizarro is brought to you today by Tiny Alien.

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Monday: Dogs are funny. Dogs without electronics are just sad. (Get a print of this cartoon.)

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Tuesday: I was on a jury once for a one-day civil trial and it was boring as hell. I can imagine after a long trial wishing that someone would kill me. (Get a print of this cartoon.)
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DNA Hippo Can Bellbottoms

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Granny Sale.

 

It’s Saturday, so I’m posting the silliness exhibited in Bizarro since Thursday. If that confuses you, consult your local calendar expert. I have no specific comments to make about any of them. I know, it is rare.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

REZARRO: From Bizarro of 1998, I offer you this other bit of foolishness that has deep, hidden meaning. Let me know if you figure out what it is so I’ll have a good answer should someone ask.bizarro981002WEB

Burning Desires

bz panel 08-16-13bz strip 08-16-13Bizarro is brought to you today by WILF.

I’ve had this gag on deck for months but resisted drawing it because it is so labor intensive. I’m glad I finally did, though, because I really love the gag.

I sat on a jury once in a civil trial where a guy who was barely tapped in bumper-to-bumper, rush-hour traffic was trying to get money for whiplash. It was a comically clumsy, sit-com attempt to cash in on a very minor traffic accident. One other juror and I voted “not guilty,” but the others wanted to give the guy in the phony neck brace the money. Some of the memorable quotes I heard from three other jurors while deliberating follow: “I think he’s lying too, but when you make a mistake, you gots to pay.” “He might be lying but I was taught it is wrong to judge.” “Aren’t we bound by law to believe everything he says under oath?” This is a true story. (more…)

Don’t Speak

bz panel 06-03-13Bizarro is brought to you today by What I’ve Been Saying For Years.

I’ve never been on trial but I’m sure it sucks. Worse yet, would be when trusted companions testify against you. All those years you thought that person was your confidant and loyal friend till the end, then suddenly, they’re telling your secrets to a public court. That would really suck. (more…)

Puppet and His Dummy

bz panel 05-31-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Introduction to Proctology.

Ventriloquistm is a favorite topic of many gag cartoonists and I’ve done quite a few over my nine-decade career. I’m pretty proud of the simplicity of this one, though. It leaves the reader to imagine the ridiculous voice the man is using as he answers questions through his dummy. This causes me to smile with my mouth. I also like the green leisure suits. (more…)