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Casual Probing Racism Comb-over

bz panel 09-15-14bz strip 09-15-14bz panel 09-16-14bz strip 09-16-14bz panel 09-17-14bz strip 09-17-14Bizarro is brought to you today by How To Fill A Diaper.

I moved from NYC to LA a few years ago and have become even more keenly aware of the differences in their cultures than I was when I was only visiting here. Life in California is generally so much more relaxed than in NYC, which isn’t surprising, but the effect it has on people is glorious. The average person on the street––behind a counter or reception desk, answering a phone call for a business, driving a bus, etc.––is friendlier by a factor of 6.3 (by my unofficial calculations) than their East Coast counterparts. I love that about the West. Thinking along this line, I couldn’t help imagining the clash between how things are done in offices in the east compared to the west.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This alien gag resulted from the fact that the traditional extraterrestrial image that people claim to have been abducted frequently settle on is always without a nose. At most, they have a couple of nostrils. Like Michael Jackson.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, today’s cartoon is another about the Old West ––a favorite theme of mine. With only a few exceptions, Hollywood gave Indians a pretty bad rap for the better part of the 20th century. Most of what the average person (probably anywhere in the world) knows about the Americas’ indigenous people is from Hollywood, and SO much of it is utterly inaccurate. I’m reading a fascinating book right now called “1491,” which is about what the Americas were like up until the villainous Columbus began the onslaught of European invaders. It wasn’t at all like you’ve been led to believe. I highly recommend this book for history buffs or Native Americans who are interested in what the latest archeological information tells us about pre-European America, both north and south.

 

 

PREHISTARROS: After all that high-minded talk about history, let’s have a chuckle at Ben’s expense, whomever he may be.bz010404CombOverWEB

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stampede Fish Rapunzel Parrot Miscreant

Bizarro 09-07-14 hdrWEBBizarro 09-07-14 WEBbz panel 09-08-14bz strip 09-08-14bz panel 09-09-14bz strip 09-09-14bz panel 09-10-14bz strip 09-10-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Attack of the Trump Clones.

To my regular readers of this blog I’d like to apologize for being so tardy in my posts of late. I was accidentally cast as the narrator/host of a show on FOX called “Utopia,” and since this is the first week of the show and I’m the only one on it allowed to leave to do interviews and press, they’ve kept me super busy. I’m having a ball with it, although it is still completely surreal. More about how this happened in my previous post here. Meanwhile, here are some cartoons to catch you up on my “real” life as a cartoonist.

SUNDAY: I’m always happy when I come across one of these old-fashioned riding toys that were ubiquitous outside grocery and dime stores when I was a kid. Compared to modern technology, these things are incredibly lame, but I guess kids are still riding them or they’d be gone for good.

 

 

MONDAY: From the inimitable mind of Cliff The King Of Wordplay, comes this take on fishing and the idiosyncrasies of the English language. I laughed, hope you did, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TUESDAY: I apologize for adding that second line, the gag would’ve been just as good without it. I guess I was having a moment of doubt that everyone would remember the story of Rapunzel, but now I’m reminded that my Jazz Pickles never miss a thing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WEDNESDAY: There is a long-standing debate over whether talking birds actually understand what they’re saying. I’ve read up a bit on this and think that while many are likely just mimicking sounds, some actually understand the basic meaning and use the words they know in context. In general, non-human animals are far more sophisticated than we egomaniacal humans have historically thought in so many ways.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BIZARRO OF THE LIVING DEAD: bz990824 COURT WEBFrom 1999, here’s a fun take on the rituals of court.

 

Loud Food Kilt Floppy Disk

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Epiphanies.

 

Personally, I never accept anything offered for free for fear that strings will be attached. I don’t like strings. Not even free ones.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This cartoon is autobiographical because while writing cartoons one day and thinking about zombies, I suddenly realized that they could eat their own brains. Sorry it is so disgusting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I meant for this cowboy to be denied entrance to somewhere like a saloon or something, but I was too lazy to draw the background that day. I figured my Jazz Pickles would still get the gist of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BIZARRO BASEMENT: Those of you under a certain age do not remember the early days of computers, but I do and this cartoon is about that. My first computer was an iMac around 1994 or so. I recall that it was a major effort just plugging it in and learning what it did. Before that, I had to do all my computing on a device I’d made from twigs, rope, and tar. You young people today don’t know how good you’ve got it.bz 03-10-99 CDromWEB

Guns and Salad

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For those Jazz Pickles who have never been to a U.S. state that allows random citizens to carry firearms (yes, Europe, we have those) you’ve never likely seen a sign on the door of a shop that says to check your gun at the door. And you’ve almost certainly never seen one of these.

“Unless need arises” gives me a chuckle.

 

BIZARROLD: I love doing cartoons on the Old West and here, from 2003, is one of my very favorites. Since I was a kid reading cartoons in magazines, I’ve always loved cartoons that make you think you’re looking at one thing when you glance at the picture, but redirect your perceptions after reading it. Click on the image to see a larger view, and the salads in our two character’s laps.bz 09-21-03Tonto Cauliflower WEB

Saggy Cat

Bizarro 05-11-14 hedrWEBBizarro 05-11-14 WEB(Make any cartoon bigger by clicking the crap out of it.)

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It’s been over 20 years now that I’ve been expecting the baggy pants fad (or “rodeo clown look”) to fade but I remain unsatisfied. In thinking about this amusing fashion, I wondered if other generations have had similar problems. Voila! A cartoon.

 

 

 

 

BIZARRO OF THE LIVING DEAD: As part of my regular habit of offering vintage cartoons to you, I give you this portrait from 2000 of a woman licking a cat. I hope it pleases you. bizarro 04-23-00 CatGroomerWEB

Git Along Gals

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A good buddy of mine and a talented stand-up comic, actor, and cartoonist, Michael Capozzola, and I collaborated on this gag. Funny thing is that over the years a number of readers have suggested a cowboy walking into a salon thinking it was a saloon but I never felt it was enough all by itself to support the gag. Michael came up with the pun independently, but his idea to have the hombre identify himself as “half blind” and “illiterate” put it over the edge for me, so I drew it. Here’s multi-talented Michael’s multi-talented web site. Have a visit.

I love doing gags about cowboys and the Old West. When I was a kid growing up in Kansas City and Oklahoma in the mid 1900s, I was fascinated by cowboys and wanted nothing more than to be one when I grew up. I gave up that dream as soon as I was old enough to realize that being a cowboy nowadays did not entail chasing bad guys on horseback, but rather working your ass off in the hot sun and driving back to your trailer at night in a pickup truck. This life was not for me, plus, I can’t stand cheap, American beer.

BIZARRO OF THE LIVING DEAD: One of my favorite things to do with cowboys and the Old West is to de-macho it. Here’s a favorite of mine from a few years ago that I hope will cause you a smile.BZ 09-07-08 Covered WagonWE

Staying Current

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I moved to Los Angeles two years ago partly to be closer to the entertainment industry, but mostly for the weather. When I draw a cartoon like this, I always pause to look at the wide-open french doors of my studio and the sunny, 75 degrees F temperature outside and thank myself rigorously for moving here. It was a tough time in my life, on the heels of a nasty divorce and a problematic exit from New York City, but MAN, was it worth it!

For those of you trudging through the snow today, be sure to wear plastic bags over your flipflops to keep your feet dry.

 

 

 

 

BIZARCHAEOLOGY: Here’s a fun little ditty from ’01 that I came across in my archives this morning and thought you might enjoy. I originally did this gag as a badly-drawn daily panel way back in the late 80s, I think, so I resurrected it and did a proper drawing in ’01. the lighting was particularly fun for me but drawing a herd of cattle is a hugely tedious pain in my cartoon ass. (The men in my family are assless so I have a drawing of an ass where my real one should be.)   Click the sixth-steer-from-the-left’s face to bigify the image.bz 12-09-01 cowboy guitarWEB

Bizarro 08-18-13 WEB

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(To see this cartoon all bigger and beautifuller, click the horse’s ass.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Malibu Cowboy.

This is a simple gag but it still makes me smile. I’ve been obsessed all my life with cowboys and the Old West. I don’t collect rifles or spurs or anything, I just love drawing cowboys, watching old cowboy movies (or new ones if they’re done well), and reading a bit about the history of it. I’d kill to be in a western movie or TV series where I get to dress up like a cowboy, ride a horse, say cowboy stuff like, “I reckon.” Man, that would be heaven. I’d be good at it, too. Having been raised in Oklahoma, I can do several completely believable cowboy accents.

My favorite thing about this cartoon, however is the title panel, shown below. I just went crazy drawing whatever came to mind and I love the way it turned out. Hope you do, too.Bz 08-18-13 hedrWEB

 

Rope-a-Dope

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This post is not about religion, but I wish it were. I got so many great comments on yesterday’s cartoon. Thanks to all.

Back to this cartoon: can you imagine killing people for a living? Or, for that matter, can you imagine working in a slaughterhouse where you kill things all day, every day? It can’t be fun or healthy to live that way.

I killed a few things when I was a kid, hunting and fishing with my dad. I’m not proud of it but I didn’t know any better and the time I spent with my dad was fairly rare and extremely important to me at the time. And it was my father’s code that you always eat anything you kill. What’s done is done.

I’d never do it now, though, unless it was a matter of survival. But given my current position in life and on the globe, it is fairly unlikely that will ever happen. I can’t imagine finding myself stranded somewhere with no edible vegetation, a weapon, and animals I was capable of killing. Even if I managed to kill something, I’d have to figure out how to build a fire since humans are not evolutionarily equipped to eat raw meat safely and gnawing on a raw, dead animal would be enormously disgusting. (Nature’s way of telling us it isn’t our optimum food choice.) Rubbing sticks together works great in animated cartoons but in real life, it’s a damned poor way to make a fire you can cook on. I wasn’t raised with those skills, so you might as well ask me to levitate a boulder, which I can’t do without Photoshop.

 

Elderly Underwear Surgeon Evolution Cat Foot

 

Bizarro is brought to you today by Tiny Pediatrician.

I had a good week in my personal life in that after over a year of living in LA, I finally screwed up the courage to go to the DMV and get my motorcycle and car driver’s licenses, and register my motorcycle in California. She now has a California plate and she couldn’t be more proud. Even more importantly, I don’t have to look over my shoulder constantly for the fuzz. Anyone want to start a bidding war over my old New York State motorcycle plate? I can sign it and draw a self portrait on it!

My first cartoon this week was this one about old age. I’m not anywhere near that age yet, but at the exponentially accelerating rate that time flies, we all will be by this time next week. Seemingly. As my dad says, “Old age ain’t for sissies.”

 

 

 

 

Most regular readers know that I’m a big fan of cartoons about the Old West. Here’s one now. It is completely fictional but perhaps it really happened and was the origin of the first gay bar in the U.S.  Stranger things have happened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On to the operating theater, this winsome bit of wordplay comes from my good buddy, Cliff Harris, The King of Wordplay. He’s also a retired doctor, but it had nothing to do with a situation like this. Or so he assures me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s a fun little ditty about a whale. The punch line is pretty self-explanatory, but if you still find yourself out to sea, check out the little evolving fish in the bottom corner. I heard that one or two of my animal-rights friends thought this gag was somehow insensitive to the plight of whales. This isn’t a real whale, nor is anyone with an I.Q. high enough to find their way to a beach going to assume a beached whale is trying to evolve. Lighten up, people. This is why folks tend to think of us as humorless boobs. (Most of us are not. Honestly.) Here’s another beached whale cartoon from my past that is one of my favorite gags in recent years. I call it “Californian’s Nightmare.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you’re not familiar with the acronym, “W.W.J.D.” it means, “What would Jesus do?” You can buy tons of products with this slogan on them, including bracelets. I suppose it was popularized to get teens to feel guilty about sex. I suppose it works from time to time but it would work a hell of a lot better if (god?) hadn’t instilled in us such a powerful and overwhelming desire to spread our genetic info.

 

 

 

 

 

Our last cartoon of the week (except for my Sunday cartoon, which will appear in the next post) is about good ole Fred Flintstone, who used to stop his car by dragging his feet. Woe was he.

Until tomorrow, stay crunchy, Jazz Pickles.

 

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